Can we just be honest and say many women are trapped

[workiskillingme]

In unhappy relationships /marriages for years due to housing /income

I read so many threads on here advising people to leave their marriage if they are unhappy and live the life they deserve but in reality
A) women are often part time lower earners and wouldn't be able to afford to rent a property by themselves
B) couldn't afford to buy their husband /partner out
C) even if they sold their property and had equity would struggle massively to get a mortgage on one income
D) their other half/husband may more than likely refuse to leave the family home and continue to pay the mortgage so the wife and kids can remain there

Can we please just talk about this very real scenario and how women are meant to try and make it work?

Having children is what traps women. Surrender your body, surrender your life. Maybe tell your own kids the truth and don't keep perpetuating a lie? When does the cycle get broken??
'they fuck you up, your mum and dad, they may not mean to but they do......get out as early as you can, and don't have any kids yourself '

The concept of romantic love being the be all and end all is bullshit - figuring that out is liberation. How can one person possibly meet all these ridiculous expectations? If someone just had 'one friend' that would be odd - but somehow one magical other person is meant to be appear and give your life meaning. This is an impossible expectation that only leads to resentment. Couples end up isolated, women stuck alone in a house with a baby and no other adults to speak to. Humans are herd mammals and thrive in small communities. It is much more natural for a group of women to share childcare while men would handle more physical labour such as building houses. Neither can survive without the other and therefore they view each other as equals. This lifestyle however has been dismantled and actively discouraged - small self sufficient communities don't make anyone rich, and might rise up against the ruling class. Better to dehumanise by selling everyone an impossible fantasy which traps them in debt, teaches contempt for their fellow man and provides a labour force. Spoonfed sexism and capitalism dressed up as progress.

I've often been baffled by the fact that the sole protective measure for a womans (most times) financial security after children is marriage. Why is this emotionally loaded contract the only option? Surely we should be able to draw up a binding contract that recognises the valid labour involved, the financial sacrifice. And do all that without the social contract of 'marriage'

You can. Your marriage and wedding don’t have to be an emotionally loaded contract.

You can protect yourself with legal contracts such as ensuring the property is in both names etc.

You can have a civil partnership.

Marriage doesn’t actually protect all women. It’s situation dependent. If you are going to put your career on the back burner or give up work and don’t have a lot of independent wealth, it’s often better.

However, if you are both low earners with no assets it may not be.

It’s never been hidden that marriage is a legal contract at its core. The romance, big day, beat day of your life etc is all stuff that’s been added on later. Anyone who gets married without actually looking at the non emotional legal side and do it’s simply for love is taking a real risk

@Ekátn Ah I wasn't aware re the civil partnership, i'm in Scotland and it seems it only came in for mixed sex a couple of years ago.

Re Marriage, I think that's all i'm saying, it's mixed up with a lot of crap which is totally besides the point. I suspect it's also what puts many people off

Adults have choice children do not, if a partner is ill treating you to start with do not keep on having children and then complain, children are trapped in situations not adults

In UK law the spouse is entitled to 50% of the other's assets in the event of a divorce. A spouse is exempt from inheritance tax. Both parties can be named on the deeds for a property. The question is though why women want this and continue to choose it? Even when both parents work full time inevitably most if not all of the housework and the mental admin is done by the woman. And because women keep filling this role ('someone has to do it!') men don't learn, children don't learn, and nothing ever changes. Giving children a chance to do things differently doesn't mean someone has failed or that they aren't loved or wanted. Why don't people talk about how stifling marriage and child rearing can be?

Yes CP is quite recent.

I don’t think the love and romance bit puts people off. I think people who don’t want to get married, more often don’t want to get married due to the legal stuff. Although I am sure it puts some off. The legal part is the reason I won’t marry dp (though we aren’t having child together).

There’s always threads here from women who want to marry and men don’t see the point. Most of the time the woman wants to marry ‘because I love him’ and the men don’t want to marry because they don’t want to be legally tied to their current partner.

I think, as a society, we need to do a better job of educating women about marriage, cohabiting, giving up work to raise kids etc and the pros and cons of each. Men generally seem to know. Older women who have been burned or seen people burned in RL or Social media, seem to know. But so many girls seem to grow up still seeing marriage as a romantic act only. Hopefully, that is starting to change though.

It has to be the hormones or fear of being alone / different from others / everyone else does it.

There is so much knowledge and posts on social media, many men tells it straight to your face how the view women etc.
And STILL to most women boyfriends/husbands/kids are the meaning of life.

It’s crazy. It’s insane what mist women put up with! But men know women will put up with it, and that’s why they don’t change. Only get worse. Because they don’t have to, and the know it.

it's interesting really that in matriarchal societies - though surviving ones are few and far between - marriage is not a feature nor anything close to a nuclear family.

I have worked so hard to build my own career while also trying to be a good mum. I earn a good salary and I still cannot afford to house my children and provide a good life for them and myself on my own. Me and my husband earn the same, we split bills 50/50 and I’m still trapped. It’s impossible to do it on a single income, it’s so wrong.

there is also the possibility of the woman being the higher earner/wealthier party, which does not usually occur to people.

i was advised by family and friends to get married “for protection”. In reality I’d be much worse off as I’d be giving away half my house, pensions and assets. Dp is a much lower earner and had no material assets when we met.

People have choices both men and women can think about their choices, it is not hard to realise if you stay at home and have no income not work experience then you are soley reliant on another, sure no one can see into the future things happen but there is lots of choices people can make to protect themselves that do not take a uni degree to work out

That's not being trapped. They aren't being held captive, nor imprisoned. They can leave, they make the choice not to for various reasons...and give various excuses.
There's help available out there

Yes that’s by what I mean by its situation dependent. And mentioning if you are giving up work and don’t have personal wealth. It’s often better. Not always.

I am in the same position as you. I earn more and have more in assets than Dp and we don’t share kids. Marriage is no protection for me either.

Is it not also somewhat self-inflicted? Women 'often', as others have said, get into relationships for financial security. Men who earn less are labelled as cocklodgers.

There's no reason why women can't climb the ladder, marry anman earning less (so it makes sensenfor the man to stay home while she earns), have babies and take minimal maternity leave (as they do in America), have the lower-earning man stay home to look after the kids... that way ALL the security is there for the woman.

If you make choices that mean your life depends on another person's largesse, then of course you're going to feel trapped if you want to leave.

Yup, it's totally largesse for men to actually have to pay for their children.

Women haven't realised that times have moved on, and they need to move on too - and I don't mean that cruelly, but look at the shock/surprise some poor women hit when they find out that 15 years of birthing and caring for the children, doing the vast majority of the housework, and putting their job on the back burner counts for absolutely nothing in divorce (and less than nothing if not married) - that if the kids are older now, it'll be 50/50 down the line (unless of course he can't be bothered then she'll get a pittance towards the kid's upkeep, and nothing to compensate her for her time at all), and off you pop to get a job to support yourself and the kids, you don't get anything for the years you put everyone first and so he could concentrate on growing his income.

I thought I was at least protecting myself a bit, burning out keeping my hand in with a job while still ending up doing everything (manipulative ex), but it's still a shock when you find that out.

So you play the 'which is worse' game, until you can't stand it anymore, and living in un-remitting slog, with very little money is actually better than staying another day with that bastard.

It sucks. We need to teach our daughters to realistically look at what can happen, and our sons to take responsibility for their children and their relationships.

Place marking and intending to read this all properly because I also feel horribly trapped. 😪

@Ponderingwindow 100% spot on. My mother was a SAHM with no qualifications and a sulky, spiteful husband. As a result I was absolutely never going to have children before I was qualified and able to support my kids myself if needed.

I also think that continuing your career and contributing financially to the family can help to maintain a more equal balance of power in some relationships.

My situation is that we have a child with a disability and our house has been modified to give DC more independence. So if we split we have to sell the house and I can’t sell the house because that would be detrimental to DC.
I honestly do not see a way out.