Can we just be honest and say many women are trapped

[workiskillingme]

In unhappy relationships /marriages for years due to housing /income

I read so many threads on here advising people to leave their marriage if they are unhappy and live the life they deserve but in reality
A) women are often part time lower earners and wouldn't be able to afford to rent a property by themselves
B) couldn't afford to buy their husband /partner out
C) even if they sold their property and had equity would struggle massively to get a mortgage on one income
D) their other half/husband may more than likely refuse to leave the family home and continue to pay the mortgage so the wife and kids can remain there

Can we please just talk about this very real scenario and how women are meant to try and make it work?

That said, benefits aren’t awful. I just calculated a single mum with 2 primary aged children on 1300 a month would be able to claim £800p/m in UC, child benefit and council tax reduction. Which seems a fair amount to me.

This might include a housing element which is only applicable if you rent.
I have lived on roughly that, and it was fine whilst we sorted out our divorce but I couldn't get the housing benefit element of the UC because I owned a property (albeit not living there).
It becomes very difficult if you have any sort of debt to repay as well.

I was lucky I left when I did. I could afford to rent a nice 3 bed flat in decent area.
Looking about now I would have to pay about £300 a month more even if something did come available.

Yes I could have managed in a 2 bed, in a crappy area, but when you're weighing up your decision to leave you're constantly thinking about your children and I was pretty confident I wasn't taking my kids out of a comfortable home into something awful just because I wasn't 'happy'.
Don't know what I'd do if I was trying to do it now to be honest.

Many women are trapped for the reasons OP gave.
Society has changed and I think a lot of women my age (early fifties) thought they would have more protection than they now actually do and I have friends that have ended up being in a vulnerable situation.
I was a SAHM for a few years, I loved spending time with DC, much more so than DH who wasn't bothered about nativity plays etc and often found doing with things with DC dull.
He would accept work commitments, such as travelling abroad for a few weeks without a moment's thought and just assumed I would cover childcare.
I definitely fitted work around my family in a way that DH just didn't which limited my progression and earning power. Maybe I was brainwashed in the 70s and 80s!
Buy I think there are differences, possibly for biological reasons, between the sacrifices mothers and fathers are prepared to make, ime as a rule men won't put their DC consistently above their own needs for a sustained period of time. Mothers usually do.
So as a mother of both a son and daughters I think advice to woman not to make themselves financially vulnerable and put their careers in second place to their DHs is sound but I also think we need to educate our sons to take on 50% of childcare/ running of household etc including the invisible mental load.
But there will always be a biological difference and you can't make people feel the same or prioritise in the same way.

This is true. Also the other issue that can lead to feeling or being trapped is not wanting to share custody.

Sending children to spend 50% of their time with a parent who can’t parent is what keeps many women in relationships they’d like to leave.

I have worked in a good profession since having kids. I work part time currently because like many women I am the default parent and doer and sorter of everything. If I were to work full time I'd still be looking at having about 500 left after paying rent to pay bills run a car so I can get to work etc

Ermm well done you with your amazing salary! I haven't stopped training and educating myself yet sadly couldn't dream of being able to pay 6 months rent or mortgage at any one time

But there will always be a biological difference and you can't make people feel the same or prioritise in the same way

I’d question the idea of a biological difference, my children are adopted, I don’t share a biological link to them and yet found myself being the default parent. I think society tells us good mothers always put their children first, and that women are homemakers whether they work or not - finding our way out of decades of social messaging is hard.

I worked part times when DC was small because I simply couldn't afford full time childcare. Lots of people receive top up with benefits and especially in South East where childcare is expensive you end up penalised for working full time as you have less money then working part time. That's even more true for those with more children.

Yes full time work is an investment but its a privilege to make that choice and only possible when you don't have to count every penny.

I had a career which I couldn't continue after DC due to working hours so I also had to start somewhere else on minimum wage again - many women are in similar situations.

And marriage does nothing when a man is not well off himself, doesn't have assets and an own home.

I moved here from abroad when I was very young. I had no family support but was sending money home to help out my parents. I had to get any full time job I could find to afford rent and basics, worked myself up but saving enough for a house or university was a dream.

Lots of people just assume that others just make bad choices and if they didn't then we all would have had houses, great jobs and lots of savings and security. It's not exactly how it works tho. Life is not that simple for many of us.

I'm extremely proud of myself for doing the best I could under circumstances that I had and I know many are in similar position.

I’m not completely convinced of that. Many many MNers warn of risks involved in dropping hours and giving up careers and jobs. But there are an equal number who tell women to just do it. Sometimes not even to look after young kids.

I think couples who decide to go down the SAHP or career sacrifice route should have access to a calculator which shows them exactly what the situation will be if they split within 5, 10 or 15 years time. Then both of them should accept the consequences if that happens and not get angry because they can’t afford CMS or to stay in the family home.

And maybe we as parents need to steer our daughters towards the high earning careers that all the men seem to get. And tell them never to give them up.

Having a supportive extended family helps and gives more options I think. Not always possible with toxic families though.

It's a shame that some jobs are so low paid compared to technical/analytical work. I don't consider childcare unskilled.

Some blokes won't want to get together with an educated woman with a career in the first place. I remember a degree-educated female friend of mine warning me in 2008 to stop talking about the financial crisis as it's the sort of thing that a man doesn't want a woman to be knowledgeable about. Sure enough, she married a bloke who can't stand me... had a couple of DCs with him, and now messages me to say she wishes she'd had a career. Her being proposed to in the first place by that guy was predicated on her not being inclined towards career, IYSWIM.

Lovely aspirations!

I have been torn about leaving my husband. But I have no family, and having being brought up with next to nothing I just don’t want my kids to deal with the same. We are stuck between me having a shit relationship, but being well off and the kids having everything they could ask for, or being pretty poor and fighting for everything. One of my kids is disabled too. I just can’t do that, be poor, and lose my career alone. Whilst our relationship is shite we do work well as parents together- being split just seems to look like a nightmare especially in these times. id rather suffer. Maybe one day I will snap, maybe my freedom will be worth it, who knows.

Absolutely agree OP.
In my case even though I work full time, have a postgraduate education, I can't get a mortgage on my own in the area. Salary is simply not enough (local government). Rent is extortionate and what would be left would just about cover bills and food but not enough to run a car as well or have any life/fun. Car is essential to do my job but we don't get car allowance as part of pay! Utter madness.
2 incomes are needed in these times and it's a sorry state of affairs :(

once the woman is trapped though, there is little recourse. The prevention has to happen years earlier. (Even then, children with special needs can throw the best laid plans out the window. )

It's not just children with special needs. I had postpartum psychosis followed by a massive breakdown which destroyed my sense of self and cost me my career. Over the years, I've encountered several women who became trapped because of the injuries birth did to them, whether mental or physical. I think I'll honestly be advising dd not to have children. Better antenatal and postnatal care would help. I tried explaining how I felt straight after dc1's arrival, I was fobbed off until it was essentially too late. Still recovering 7 years later.

If I'm being honest, I hate dh sometimes for convincing me to try for a baby when he got broody.

That’s on top of a FT salary so £2100p/m total. More if child maintenance

I a full time working mum of 3 dc and I
made choice to stay with dh after his affair because I didn’t want to not have a house/joint income/family home for me and my dc. I’m trapped and sadly it’s my own doing. I still have hope that one day, I’ll be free to do and go where I want when the children are older and independent.

Sorry I can't find the post now, but huge sympathies to the poster who's stuck abroad with no prospect of financial support if she leaves.

I think we are basically discussing the UK benefits, housing, practises on this thread, though.

I think another poster mentioned you need two partners willing to work, as required together. That's the crux.
I stayed at home a lot, and was able to go back full time when I could, very lucky. I'm now coaching my daughter to get a career like teaching or a trade like solicitor, architecture, which she can pick up and put down as required.

Can anyone help me!!

I've just stumbled across this thread, perfect timing.

My husband came home this evening and told me he is done with our relationship, he wants out and wants the house sold so he can move on. Literally bombarded me with it all within 30 minutes of being home. Shell shocked isn't the word..... I'm devastated and dun-founded. I won't go into details as I don't have the composure right now.

But I'm 30, we own a home together, have been here for 6 years. I'm so determined not to loose my home here, I worked so so hard to get here. It's decorated just as I like, I have three dogs who love it here, it's my home... and I don't want to loose everything because he's decided he doesn't care for it anymore.

My question is about buying him out ; anyone who's been through it able to offer advice.

I've done a lot of googling and this is the conclusion I came to, but I'm not sure if I am right.

Would I need to get a valuation done on the property, then deduct the remaining mortgage from that valuation, and whatever the equity is I would have to pay him 50%?

Allowing of course that the bank would allow me to transfer it solely into my name. I could have a guarantor if needed. But I could more than afford the home and bills alone.

We have debt, but it's his. Which would be cleared from my name.

Just frantically looking for guidance and an insight... feeling very stuck. Don't want to loose everything.

You’d be better doing your own thread TBH.
Have you get kids ?

Think the UN answers that question.

I absolutely agree OP. I'm one of those fortunate woman who probably could go it alone if I had to with the kids (it would be a very different standard of living than I'm used to though) but this is because I've always been adamant I have my own career and earning power. I do wonder how the SAHMs I know would cope. My parents split up when I was in my 20s and my mum had to rely entirely on the proceeds from the house sale to get back on her feet. She was fortunate that there was a shit ton of equity in their house - there is no way that would work as well for women now. So this has always been a driver for me.

Absolutely. This was me.

Fortunately, ex was not a dick when it comes to money and I have been able to stay in family home. Though I will have to sell in next couple of years.

I think this also explains why women sometimes bring new partners into their children's lives quite quickly post divorce. It's a tough choice between struggling on a single income and juggling work/childcare and having some relative comfort but having a new person in the home. Many can survive alone but the temptation to move on quickly for the chance of the nicer things (holidays etc) rather than always making to is probably overwhelming.

As a previous poster said, ultimately, it's all down to personal responsibility. If you make choices that mean your life depends on another person's largesse, then of course you're going to feel trapped if you want to leave. I don't buy blaming your situation on 'societal pressures'. Yes, prices are rising which means it's more difficult to be single, but that affects everyone. The truth is that being a stay at home parent is a luxury and only the rich can really afford it. Middle and lower income earners will be fucked over by taking years off work, either at the time, or years later when they want to leave or need a pension.