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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dad is becoming a dad again at 70

123 replies

viennisewhirl · 07/11/2022 16:54

For what it's worth, I'm not one to judge other people's relationships and you love who you love, ok. My husband is 14 years older than myself and I know how it feels for people to comment and judge that. But I just can't wrap my head around this, he's still married to my mum. They've not gone on for as long as I can remember, but they stayed married and living together (albeit very separately in a big house). Mum is just upset because she wanted it to stay that way and doesn't want to start again by herself in old age but says she has no feeling towards him being with other people despite that.
It's just all so weird! The woman he has gotten pregnant is 45 and apparently it was a big shock at her age as she didn't think she could have kids but she wants to have the baby and he wants to 'do the right thing' and be with her (funnily enough the exact same reason he married my mum!)

Not entirely sure how to process this whole thing? Has anyone had this? It's just surreal to be honest. I'm a few weeks off having my second child so he's going to have a baby younger than this grandchild.

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 07/11/2022 16:59

Hey there. No I have no experience but just wanted to say, I think anyone would struggle. It's an unusual situation to find yourself in.
I think it's normal to feel a bit strange about it. Just take some time to get your head around it.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 07/11/2022 17:01

45 - I’m sorry but the pregnancy needs to be viable and at 45 it increases complications.

wait and see and support your mum

AdoraLovesCake · 07/11/2022 17:02

Wow! It is unuasual. My grandmother married a man twice her age. She was 30 and he was 60. He had been married before and before they had my mum (youngest of three) my mum's half brothers had kids who were 12!

Delectable · 07/11/2022 17:05

To get pregnant at 45 without trying and with a 70yr old is a significant event. Not what your mum hoped for but time will give clarity in the long run.

Your dad is legally married to your mum still.

Original poster
viennisewhirl · 07/11/2022 17:07

He waited for her to reach the halfway point before telling us, presumably for this reason. My mum warned us it was coming and I thought she was joking. I'm mainly just focusing on being there for her, yes. It's just ridiculous to me that my dad and me will have kids the same age. He had me when he was in his mid fourties!

I haven't met her and I don't want to, definitely not yet. My dad isn't a wealthy man, or particularly youthful or attractive or any of the stereotypes you'd think, obviously you love who you love I guess. It's just crazy to me! I sometimes worry about the long term ramifications of my own age gap, but 26 years is just something else.

OP posts:
Bakeacaketoday · 07/11/2022 17:11

viennisewhirl · 07/11/2022 17:07

He waited for her to reach the halfway point before telling us, presumably for this reason. My mum warned us it was coming and I thought she was joking. I'm mainly just focusing on being there for her, yes. It's just ridiculous to me that my dad and me will have kids the same age. He had me when he was in his mid fourties!

I haven't met her and I don't want to, definitely not yet. My dad isn't a wealthy man, or particularly youthful or attractive or any of the stereotypes you'd think, obviously you love who you love I guess. It's just crazy to me! I sometimes worry about the long term ramifications of my own age gap, but 26 years is just something else.

The main problem (knowing someone who was the child of a 70yo), was that his father passed away when he was 10. He never really "knew" him as a father as his health declined sharply at about 73/74 and that affected the child a lot.

Original poster
viennisewhirl · 07/11/2022 17:13

Yes he's a type 2 diabetic who isn't in great shape so it definitely feels unfair on the child. He wasn't an engaged father with his kids when he was younger and is far from a hands on granddad, he plays with my son for 10 minutes then disappears back into his study until we leave whenever we usually visit him. I hope she doesn't expect much more from him.

OP posts:
CatsAreAlwaysCute · 07/11/2022 17:15

Please remember that the baby in all this is innocent.

cptartapp · 07/11/2022 17:17

Your dad needs to make sure his will is up to date if he is still married to your mum. Unless he'd be happy for her to inherit everything. And especially now he may well be likely leaving the mother of his youngest child to bring it up alone at some point. Diabetics are five times more likely to have cardiovascular disease.
Sorry if that sounds crass.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 07/11/2022 17:22

My main worry would be for the child. Who’s going to provide for them? Nursery fees at the same time as care home fees? Not ideal!

Soontobe60 · 07/11/2022 17:27

cptartapp · 07/11/2022 17:17

Your dad needs to make sure his will is up to date if he is still married to your mum. Unless he'd be happy for her to inherit everything. And especially now he may well be likely leaving the mother of his youngest child to bring it up alone at some point. Diabetics are five times more likely to have cardiovascular disease.
Sorry if that sounds crass.

Yes, very crass. His wife presumably will still need to be housed and live.

Soontobe60 · 07/11/2022 17:29

If your parents house is owned as joint tenants then if he dies your mum will inherit it. A will doesn’t change that. If their money is in joint accounts the same holds true,

2bazookas · 07/11/2022 17:48

It hasn't happened yet. Wait and see if the pregnancy survives, both parents carry higher risks.

Fattoushi · 07/11/2022 17:59

I wouldn't have anything to do with him or his new family. It's got disaster written all over it, never mind the major ick factor.

ShirleyHolmes · 07/11/2022 18:09

It sounds understandably difficult for you.
My dad was in his sixties when I was born and was the most amazing dad.
My mum was in her mid thirties when her father remarried and had 2 children in quick succession, so they’re my aunts 15 years younger. My younger aunt was a great aunt when she was 3. However, my grandfather, who was an absent father to my mother was a fantastic, loving and hands on dad. My mother was relieved about this and not bitter that she’d not had the same experience of him. He lived well into his nineties so my aunts had their dad until they were independent adults.
However, your poor mum, I really feel for her.

I just hope, for the baby’s sake, your dad pulls his finger out and improves his parenting skills. Although I lost my dad in my teens, I wouldn’t have swapped him for a younger parent and there were loads of benefits to him being older, availability, patience and wisdom.

I hope it works out for you all.

Quarique · 07/11/2022 18:11

Is he planning to divorce?

Whatsleftnow · 07/11/2022 18:17

Does his partner actually want him to move in? I just can’t wrap my head around the idea of taking on a new baby and an elderly man in failing health. When your dm recovers from the shock, she may consider it a lucky escape. But as a daughter I’d be concerned about how it might work out for your df when reality bites. Are you prepared to take him in if neither his wife or lover will take care of him in his old age?

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/11/2022 18:19

I have a friend who is the eldest child from her father's first marriage. He married for a second time and her half siblings are approximately 20 years younger. He then married for a third time and the half siblings from that marriage are approaching 40 years younger. He appears to trade his wives in for a younger model each time.

MavisCruet2023 · 07/11/2022 18:20

Oh dear.
Poor kid.

emptythelitterbox · 07/11/2022 18:23

poor child.
so irresponsible of him.

Windmille · 07/11/2022 18:23

Just imagine going to a parents meeting at the age of 85…

BabyClubYEEAAH · 07/11/2022 18:27

My dad has kids younger then mine and it is really weird tbh!

thebestcestmoi · 07/11/2022 18:28

Same sort of thing happened to someone I know although his dad was very late 50s I think. But he was basically 35 with a new sibling! And his own small children had a baby uncle :S He found it VERY difficult to get his head round as he had been an only child his whole life as well, there were also other things that had gone on and the relationship wasn’t great anyway. Not sure how things worked out in the end.

This sounds like a lot to process especially with being pregnant yourself which takes up enough time and energy!

VollywoodHampires · 07/11/2022 18:29

Silly old (fertile) fool

drpet49 · 07/11/2022 18:31

emptythelitterbox · 07/11/2022 18:23

poor child.
so irresponsible of him.

And so irresponsible of her