My dad is becoming a dad again at 70

[viennisewhirl]

For what it's worth, I'm not one to judge other people's relationships and you love who you love, ok. My husband is 14 years older than myself and I know how it feels for people to comment and judge that. But I just can't wrap my head around this, he's still married to my mum. They've not gone on for as long as I can remember, but they stayed married and living together (albeit very separately in a big house). Mum is just upset because she wanted it to stay that way and doesn't want to start again by herself in old age but says she has no feeling towards him being with other people despite that.
It's just all so weird! The woman he has gotten pregnant is 45 and apparently it was a big shock at her age as she didn't think she could have kids but she wants to have the baby and he wants to 'do the right thing' and be with her (funnily enough the exact same reason he married my mum!)

Not entirely sure how to process this whole thing? Has anyone had this? It's just surreal to be honest. I'm a few weeks off having my second child so he's going to have a baby younger than this grandchild.

[MagnoliatheMagnificent]

If he's happy... DH was in his 60's when we had DD (now 12). He is very fit and active for his age, loves the gym, cycling, swimming etc Things aren't perfect but what family is?! We have a 26 year gap, I am a similar age to his first dd but for us it works. We get on well.
My eldest dd has never seen her 'absent' father, I'd much rather dd2 has a relationship with hers for as long as possible then lots of happy memories etc rather than feeling betrayed that her father doesn't care like dd1.
I think it's lovely that your children will be a similar age, so great for them growing up. We all need support, try and get past these initial feelings and embrace these new relationships.

[Watchthesunrise]

I wouldn't want any sort of relationship with the new family either, tbh. Just focus on the financials for yourself and your mum here. Your mum should divorce him properly to get her share of the house.

If your mum does nothing, and your mum dies first: your dad inherits his half of the house, then it could go to the new partner if they get married. You potentially get zero. You might get a share as one of his children if he remains unmarried or gets a pre-nup, but you're leaving it to chance.

If your mum divorces him, and she dies first: she gets half the house, that half goes to you and your immediate siblings; your dad's half goes to you, the new baby and your other siblings when he dies if he remains unmarried.

[WhatsTheStoryThisTime]

What is his relationship with the 45 year old like? I’m guessing he is 100% certain that the child is actually his?

[ShandaLear]

@Meklk

I don't think someone would say a word if he would be 50,and she 25. If she has a good health - why not? 45 is not a pensioner.

If he was 50 he’d have another 30-40 years of parenting in him potentially, so no, nobody would bat an eyelid.

[PortiasBiscuit]

This child will be your half-sibling, they is unlikely to have a father into adulthood. They will need the support of her/ his family.
Why make this just about your Dad, there is a child here too

[Bramblejoos]

DM should speak to a solicitor with regard to finances - can she refuse to divorce him.

[RambamThankyouMam]

Disgusting.

[isthismylifenow]

My first thought was also is he sure this baby is his?

What will the living arrangements be after the birth OP?

[RandomMusings7]

@PortiasBiscuit

This child will be your half-sibling, they is unlikely to have a father into adulthood. They will need the support of her/ his family.
Why make this just about your Dad, there is a child here too

A child who is by no means OP's responsibility. Why should she take it on herself to help fix the issue that a 70 year old and a 45 year old created through sheer selfishness?

Would you say the same if OP was a man? The women in her father's life are not there to pick up his slack...

[gogohmm]

I have a friend who is 46 with a 14 year old half brother, it's not that uncommon. My friend's fear has been that his father would pass away (now early 80's) and his stepmother would turn to him for financial support, she lacks financial know how, ok stereotypical bimbo by all accounts not met her but he calls describes her has cultivating the wag look and always lived off mens money

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Sounds awful OP- I feel like everyone will suffer in this scenario. No 70yr old wants a newborn and a toddler- the 45 yr old woman won’t get this family unit she expects - and you and your mum lose the dad you knew.
I would keep my distance a bit tbh

[Bigbadfish]

@PortiasBiscuit

This child will be your half-sibling, they is unlikely to have a father into adulthood. They will need the support of her/ his family.
Why make this just about your Dad, there is a child here too

None of that is her problem. She owes this kid nothing.

[ElBandito]

If you honestly believe that your father is starting the road towards dementia then advise your mum to divorce as soon as she can for both their sakes. Looking after someone with dementia is hard enough; looking after someone with dementia when you can hardly tolerate them would be impossible, horrendous for both of them.

[Novemberhater]

A relative of mine had a baby at 45 with a 60 year old. The father died three years later and she couldn't cope and ended up in a secure MH facility.

Child was passed round relatives and grew up with MH problems. It's not a healthy scenario.

[caringcarer]

Is your Dad certain baby is actually his? He should get test done as soon as baby born. If baby his he will have to pay to support it. Diabetics often have erectile dysfunction. Support your Mum. Suggest to your Mum she changes her will for you and not her husband to inherit. Your Dad may decide to stay married to your Mum. Difficult situation for you but baby innocent and as old egg and old sperm may have additional needs.

[viennisewhirl]

@ElBandito

If you honestly believe that your father is starting the road towards dementia then advise your mum to divorce as soon as she can for both their sakes. Looking after someone with dementia is hard enough; looking after someone with dementia when you can hardly tolerate them would be impossible, horrendous for both of them.

I don't feel like I know enough to make that assumption but there definitely have been changes in his behaviour that are odd. My mum has been saying he's becoming an awkward old man but a lot of things seem almost sensory related such as textures of things, refusing to eat any form of bread anymore because it's too hard work, odd behaviour like when my mum went away for a week he just didn't really eat and she came home to find him struggling (or maybe he's just lazy and too used to him cooking for her!)

It's a strange dynamic between my parents and always has been, they have separate bedrooms and living rooms, holiday separately, spend the evenings separately in their retrospective living areas. Mum still does all the cooking, making cups of tea, cleaning, laundry, even of his rooms. He pays for everything and gives her some money each week as they don't have a joint account. The house they live in is huge (8 bedrooms) but in poor condition and needs a lot of money spent on it which it isn't having. It's left to the surviving parent in case of death and then after that divided between the 6 kids (presumably now 7).

We've mentioned divorce a million times over the years, they've settled into their strange little situation for so long now neither of them wanted to rock the boat and deal with being alone. They are both very co-dependent in lots of ways, I don't think dad would know how to cook for himself or do his own laundry and mum doesn't have anything to do with money or bills. This is what my mum is most upset about as she is saying they had agreed that it works for them both and now things are going to change and she isn't prepared for that. We've always worried what will happen when one parent, we've always presumed my dad, goes first but a situation like this just hasn't come into my mind whatsoever. I know my mums feelings on her marriage and I cannot ever imagine her agreeing to divorce even if told it's the most sensible option (which we did tell her lots when we were all a lot younger and they were at each others throats 24/7)

[HelenWick]

I am 47 and have a 14 and 16 yo half brothers. They have a lot of problems. I am constantly asked to help and support. I do not help. Pull up the drawbridge, focus on your kids and your mum and ignore the old fool. These men expect women to facilitate their lives and you need to watch you aren't earmarked as babysitter no 1

[Artygirlghost]

Both are selfish and irresponsible.

Way too old have a baby.

Especially considering one side is still married.

Of course it is not that poor kid's fault but this is really messed up and it must be hard for you and your mum. She should finally divorce and kick out your father.

[viennisewhirl]

The thought had crossed my mind about paternity and the thought of having that conversation with him makes me feel a little bit ill. I will speak to my brothers and sisters as someone is going to have to do it, might be better coming from one of my brothers.

[HelenWick]

your mum needs to divorce him quick op.
Just read your update. My dad and mum were in this situation. Dad moved new woman in and the nastiness forced mum out (huge house - like yours). Mum is now in a tiny flat and cannot force the sale because the new children get residency until they are adults. One has profound needs so will never be independent. So my dad will die, and the woman will stay at the property as long as she wishes and my mums 55 year working life amounts to nothing.
Your mum needs to divorce him immediately and protect her asset - her home.

[butterfliedtwo]

@PortiasBiscuit

This child will be your half-sibling, they is unlikely to have a father into adulthood. They will need the support of her/ his family.
Why make this just about your Dad, there is a child here too

That's not OP's problem.

[butterfliedtwo]

Read the update. Your poor mother. I hope you can persuade her to get away from that situation. She's basically the live-in maid.

[LemonDrop22]

This child will be your half-sibling, they is unlikely to have a father into adulthood. They will need the support of her/ his family.
Why make this just about your Dad, there is a child here too

This brings to mind a catch phrase of a YouTuber I watch occasionally "Was I in the bed fucking? No".

What family does the Mum to be have? ... She's the one who risked pregnancy with a 70 yr old married man with diabetes etc.

[LemonDrop22]

(And she's the one who decided to continue the pregnancy when she found out).

[WakingUpDistress]

@viennisewhirl from your description I’d say your dad is ill/is developing dementia.
The fact he couldn’t actually eat when on his own is big huge red flag for me. No one stops eating for a week out if laziness.

Just for that, I’d say you need some medical involvement for your dad.

As for the child…. even when removing the age factor, who would welcome a baby born from an affair whilst still living with your spouse? And would then expect everyone to welcome both the child and by extension the mother with open arms.