My dad is becoming a dad again at 70

[viennisewhirl]

For what it's worth, I'm not one to judge other people's relationships and you love who you love, ok. My husband is 14 years older than myself and I know how it feels for people to comment and judge that. But I just can't wrap my head around this, he's still married to my mum. They've not gone on for as long as I can remember, but they stayed married and living together (albeit very separately in a big house). Mum is just upset because she wanted it to stay that way and doesn't want to start again by herself in old age but says she has no feeling towards him being with other people despite that.
It's just all so weird! The woman he has gotten pregnant is 45 and apparently it was a big shock at her age as she didn't think she could have kids but she wants to have the baby and he wants to 'do the right thing' and be with her (funnily enough the exact same reason he married my mum!)

Not entirely sure how to process this whole thing? Has anyone had this? It's just surreal to be honest. I'm a few weeks off having my second child so he's going to have a baby younger than this grandchild.

[Chersfrozenface]

Given your father's change in behaviour, OP, remember that type 2 diabetes greatly increases the risk of dementia and Alzheimer's.

[blisstwins]

Definitely a paternity test. If you mom can get her equity out of the house and a divorce she can probably get a nice apartment and have a much easier and more pleasant life. Your father is going to be freaking miserable. Given the state of their marriage I don’t know what to say about his involvement with another woman, but what a fool to have gone for this age gap and to have gotten someone pregnant. Ugh.

[aurynne]

"When we were children, we used to spend many weekends and holidays together, my mum's step mum and my gf (who is only a few years older than her) babysat us on a regular basis (my mum was a sp) and we loved her to bits."

And herein lies the problem... the children who result out of these ridiculous situations are often cared for the women in the family, hence enabling men to keep doing whatever they want (i.e. shagging younger women) without having any responsibility for the consequences (i.e. the new life they bring on, and the older children they often forget about and ignore when the new woman comes in).

The ones of you who say the OP should help because the child is innocent... why don't you help this child yourselves? The OP has as much responsibility to their life as you have.

[Watchthesunrise]

Yes, you're getting a vasectomy for christmas present this year Dad

[SpangledShambles]

Strangely I have been in similar though not identical situation. Putting aside all the parents - my regret is that I never got to know my half sibling. That person is out there somewhere and grew up never knowing or being loved by their family on dad’s side.

[NicholJO]

Hi op 26 year age gap is big but not a big deal I have 7 children 5 by the same man and 2 youngest by my DH I have been with for 10 years I'm 41 my children are 26/24/23/20/12/8/3/

[taliaG]

This sounds absolutely awful for everyone concerned OP. I have no ideas about the legality of things, but I just wonder whether emotionally and practically it might be best for the big house to be sold and your mum could get her own cosy little house, that would be hers and easier to keep. I'd prefer that to looking after a philandering old man and a huge, dilapidated old house as they both decline!

[billy1966]

@HelenWick

your mum needs to divorce him quick op.
Just read your update. My dad and mum were in this situation. Dad moved new woman in and the nastiness forced mum out (huge house - like yours). Mum is now in a tiny flat and cannot force the sale because the new children get residency until they are adults. One has profound needs so will never be independent. So my dad will die, and the woman will stay at the property as long as she wishes and my mums 55 year working life amounts to nothing.
Your mum needs to divorce him immediately and protect her asset - her home.

I feel very sorry for you OP, what a mess.

Protect yourself from this mess.

Advise your mother re the above and if she wishes to ignore you, step away.

This is not your mess.

You are not under any obligation to be involved.

[Mirabai]

Not being divorced is very much in your mum’s favour here. But I very much doubt DF will make any change to his life. I highly doubt he wants to move in with this woman and I doubt she would want him to. If he does I suspect she’ll chuck him out at some point. She’s not going to want to parent him as well.

[user1471538283]

If your DM cannot face divorce she at least needs to be tenants in common with your DF so she can ring fence her half of the house.

She may have to sell because your DF may want to move in with his gf and baby.

What an awful situation all round. I hope it works out for your DM.

[Comedycook]

I know a man who did this... Was divorced with grown up kids, then had a baby with a much younger woman.. can't remember his exact age but easily 65-70 age bracket. He died before the child's was even three. I think it's incredibly selfish

[emptythelitterbox]

Family should chip in and gift these old goats a vasectomy.

[Wheredoallthepensgo]

@HelenWick

your mum needs to divorce him quick op.
Just read your update. My dad and mum were in this situation. Dad moved new woman in and the nastiness forced mum out (huge house - like yours). Mum is now in a tiny flat and cannot force the sale because the new children get residency until they are adults. One has profound needs so will never be independent. So my dad will die, and the woman will stay at the property as long as she wishes and my mums 55 year working life amounts to nothing.
Your mum needs to divorce him immediately and protect her asset - her home.

That is fucking horrendous, your poor Mum!

[CookPassBabtridge]

@RandomMusings7 It just is. It's either transactional or pervy.. why doesn't he meet a woman his own age.

[DogGoneCrazyNow]

My dad was a widow and remarried a much younger woman who was younger than his son. My dad got sick and died, my mum was an awful parent however... I am super close to my half brother. His son and I grew up together as kind of cousins and as I got older I'd pop by, chat etc. We are very similar, despite being half siblings with a 35 year gap. He's amazing and I love him. I'm forever grateful that he overlooked the weirdness and stayed present. Just an alternative view (although it is bloody weird and I still don't get it!)

[Carouselfish]

oh god, my 76 year old dad has a new gf younger than me. I dread this happening....
It would be because of his behaviour that I would dread it - if he could treat everyone equally, it wouldn't be a problem but she already has a child the same age as one of mine and I dread him like them more than his own grandchild.

[whumpthereitis]

It's not an ideal situation but it could work out well for all concerned so be optimistic. The baby is the most important person in the scenario. Put on a brave face!

sure, for the actual parents. OP doesn’t have to do anything.

[whumpthereitis]

I’d suggest he has a paternity test.

I’m another one that would be throwing up the peace sign and having zero to do with the situation. Not your kid, not your problem OP. You don’t have to have a relationship with them if you don’t want to.

[LBFseBrom]

I doubt your father intends to disrupt your mother's security, by 'doing the right thing' he may mean moving in with his soon to be baby's mother or just giving her support. As others have said, he does need to sort out his will.

If the pregnancy is half way through, the mother will have had various tests and if she is in good health, there is no reason why she should not have a normal healthy baby.

Some 70 year olds are fit and go on until they are 90 but whatever happens, the child will have its mother and hopefully, for however long it lasts, dad too.

You can't blame him for seeking company and comfort and they are both consenting adults. They didn't intend to conceive a child but it happens. They are not the first and won't be the last.

It's not an ideal situation but it could work out well for all concerned so be optimistic. The baby is the most important person in the scenario. Put on a brave face!

Once again, urge your father to ensure security for your mother. Presumably she co-owns the house anyway.

[RandomMusings7]

@CookPassBabtridge

Disgusting age gap!

Why? They're both consenting adults with decades of life experience behind them.

It's the making a baby when your combined ages are 115, with no regard to that baby's prospects that is absolutely disgustingly selfish :(

[Allthegoodnamesarechosen]

Just another reinforcement for the ‘solution’ of getting your mother to divorce asap. She needs to get her share of whatever capital they have out of this mess, because she is going to need somewhere to live and some means of support.

If your father is suffering from early onset dementia, the situation is going to get much, much worse, very very quickly. The new beloved has presumably seen a rosy future with this rather demanding elderly gentleman, so she is welcome to it. I suppose I’m another sceptic on the ‘source’ of the pregnancy, but that is not your or your mothers concern, once you have cut the ties.

he sounds very old fashioned OP. My OH is older than this, and cooks the supper two nights a week, makes breakfast etc, etc. Anyway, it’s going to be easier for you and the rest of the family to help your mother with managing her finances, than with helping look after this bizarre household.

[CookPassBabtridge]

Disgusting age gap!

[WakingUpDistress]

Btw i agree with your mum getting a divorce and protecting her assets.
Shell be the one to left to struggle :(

[WakingUpDistress]

@viennisewhirl from your description I’d say your dad is ill/is developing dementia.
The fact he couldn’t actually eat when on his own is big huge red flag for me. No one stops eating for a week out if laziness.

Just for that, I’d say you need some medical involvement for your dad.

As for the child…. even when removing the age factor, who would welcome a baby born from an affair whilst still living with your spouse? And would then expect everyone to welcome both the child and by extension the mother with open arms.

[LemonDrop22]

(And she's the one who decided to continue the pregnancy when she found out).