I'm trying to keep this short for everyone, but it probably won't be. I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable so I don't think this belongs there, but if it needs to be somewhere else, please move it there - what I need to know is has anyone got any advice for how to approach this issue with my step-kids' mother. For a little (or a lot) of background info:
I have two steps-kiddos, one biological (husband's child) one the younger sibling of my husband's child, however her father was out of the country before the test even showed a result so...
Doesn't matter, they come as a set and seem to be awesome kids, so not a problem.
Here is my problem: my step-kids' mother (along with myself) cannot seem to draw the line financially, so to speak.
And I cannot ask my husband to address this with her because they have absolutely no contact. I don't 'blame' either one of them for taking that position, honestly, and I really just try to be as accommodating and diplomatic as I possibly can be with this entire situation.
My husband wasn't aware of my stepson's existence until he was almost 4, because his mother had spent his entire life telling several other men they were each his father, and getting support from all of them. (None of them lived in the same country, and none of them knew about each other. My husband was actually the last of the men to know...My husband had a one time liaison with her while they were in the same country, but she was married and when he found out soon after they had slept together, he washed his hands of the situation). He didn't hear from her for years after that. It was only after her main 'relationship' with the primary gentleman went badly that she tracked my husband down and here we are now.
My husband is still very jaded by the way she handled things and how she has (unfortunately) continued to manipulate situations for financial support... He won't have any contact with her. His son is a teenager now and learning English so my husband got him a cellphone so they can communicate and there's no need for him to have contact with her, he says...
I have tried for years to get them to do this between them but he won't often budge and whenever he does, she always does something related to lying about why she needs money (above what he and I send her on a regular basis) and for him it's not the money, it's the anger he constantly feels at the fact that she LIED to basically everyone for so long about the child's paternity and screwed them out of a relationship, etc. etc.
I don't ask what she does do with the money, ever, but her own mother stays in contact with me because it's (in her own opinion) the only way to keep her daughter on the honest and straight and narrow because she herself has been manipulated out of money and her main concern is her grandchildren, always)
I'll give you an example. When I was pregnant with our eldest child, my husband found his dream car for a good price. He bought it and was fixing it up, and hoped to save some of it for when our child was old enough to help, and he was going to hand the project car down to our child. (Remember, we didn't know his son existed at this time)
After we learned of his existence, she contacted my husband is a frenzy saying she and her brother had had a huge physical fight and the child had been injured in that altercation, and he needed to be seen at a hospital. She had no money, of course. My husband immediately sold the car for a pittance compared to what it was worth, and sent the money on over.
This is the beginning of my contact with my stepkids' grandmother because she wanted to check where the money had come from (she was still living in the country at the time)
When I told her what we'd been told she was horrified. Her son would never do anything like that to his own sister and certainly wouldn't hurt his nephew. So we were duped and my husband was enraged. Stepkids' mother then admitted she lied - I won't bore you with the details...
It's like every single extra lie about something just shuts my husband back down and it's months again, if not years, before I manage to convince him to extend an olive branch. It's exhausting and so I just don't bother trying to push the issue because it's not fair to him. I will add that, while it is not how I would have gone about things, I understand she was in a tough situation, and wasn't using the best judgment... so I do try to not judge her.
Oh, and stepson was born was born some time before we were together or married so there is no contention or acrimony - no cheating...
Anywho, I am typically of the opinion of being pretty much all-in financially - whatever money is needed and available is what is sent over without issue... But things have changed now and I cannot seem to figure out if I'm a dick or if she is overstepping.
Step-kids' mother does not work. I am not blaming or judging her at all, it is simply the way things are. She has no employment prospects and no education... In her home country she has no support at all, she only has her own mother who now lives in a different country and is letting her and the children live in her home while she is out of the country... When she met my husband she was married to a citizen of a different country and traveling for work with her husband... He found out she was seeing other men, had her deported, divorced her, and so on. So that's how she ended up in her home country, pregnant with no support. I imagine it's been a long and hard slog for her. She has had only basic schooling and has never worked a job.
Hope everyone is still with me.
So my husband and I send money regularly, and whenever extra expenses pop up. The silver lining is that, financially, we can just about afford to support two households because where they live the cost of living is a fraction of where we live. Does that make sense?
So the kids are cared for, all of them.
Here is the rub. My husband has (over the years) voiced his objection to basically me sending as much money as I do. He's not dumb, he knows what things cost here and over there and he thinks I'm overly involved (I am). He thinks now that my stepdaughter is in school (which we pay for) that their mother should go get a job, even if it's in a factory a long distance away.. Or means moving the kids from the stability of her mother's/their grandmother's home, into the city so she can work...
And the thing that has really thrown a spanner into the works is this past weekend she messaged to ask for money. No problem, except we are cutting back everywhere because we are having another baby and so everyone is having to make concessions. We are still able to give the kids what they need and some of what they want but we all need to be very careful about spending. I don't involve myself with what she spends money on because the kids are fed and have their uniforms and attend school so the money must be going on them, surely.
She now wants money because she has enrolled both the children into an extracurricular activity that is not related to school or Church (religion is very important in their community) and has contacted me asking me to send x amount of money to cover the registration costs for a huge jamboree they're having, and because she has offered to supply and cook all of the food for it.
This is the time of year whenever my husband and I move things around, squeeze and pinch so that all of the children can have some presents at Christmas. There is no other way to say it, really. And he is very upset that she enrolled them both into this extra curricular activity with absolutely no way to pay for it at all.
I wanted to gently ask her why she has done this, but it's not my business. I wanted to ask her how she plans to support this long-term, but it's also not my business and, although my stepson is old enough to contact his dad without her, stepdaughter is not and I don't want any hard feelings that develop because of this to result in stepdaughter missing out or contact (electronic, there is no physical contact, have never met either child in person) being withheld...
The activity is very costly, year round. Which is the reason our residential children at home don't participate in it, so it's isn't as though our children at home are having a go at it and the NR children aren't being offered the same opportunity...
Idk what to do. My husband is adamant that we should not pay for it, but I don't know if that's exactly the correct position to take.
What do I do? Any advice? Anyone ever been in this situation. I know I need to talk to him but it always ends up him feeling bad based on my argument of my position, and him giving in, but I do worry he thinks I value my coparenting relationship with the kids' mother more than I do his opinion on these matters.
I have nobody to ask in real life because my family all think I'm stupid for even entertaining her and not just blocking her because there has never been a DNA test, because by the time she finally agreed to do one, we only asked for one of those peace of mind tests... And she sabotaged the test by telling the post office there (the sample needed to be mailed) that my stepson had TB (he didn't!) and they then would not ship the sample. Also there is no reciprocity between our countries, so no court in either of our lands can force her to submit to one... So, no joy there...
Thanks for reading all of this, you're a gem.
Sorry that was very long.