DP follows practically naked women on instagram

[Perridot]

Hi all,

I can’t sleep so thought I may as well post for advice. I’m in a new relationship. We’ve been together almost 4 months. I don’t really use social media but DP sent me an instagram friend request. I accepted and had a peek at who he was following. To my horror he follows quite a few women, a lot of whom are wearing next to nothing. Not sure if they’re only fans models but they may as well be since they’re wearing so little. I made a lighthearted comment about it and he responded with a joke.
AIBU to be put off by this? I feel like this crosses my boundaries. None of my friends partners follow these types of accounts and I find it quite disrespectful. I’m meant to be staying over at his tonight and I just don’t want to anymore. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable and I hate men who follow these kinds of accounts. It’s creepy and tells me they lack sexual discipline. If I’m being honest it’s given me the ick. I imagine we’ll have a proper conversation about it at some point today but I’m not sure on what I should say? Do I tell him to unfollow them? I want to but that seems controlling and I don’t want to be that type of person. My ex was a shit but even he didn’t follow these kinds of people on social media and that’s saying something as he turned out to be an utter twat. Do I just cut my losses? We haven’t been together very long so it wouldn’t be a massive loss but I would be sad as I do really like him and this is the only issue I have with him. We’re supposed to go on holiday next month but I’m unsure about him now. we’re late twenties if that’s relevant. Any advice would be appreciated.

If you're uncomfortable about it, stop seeing him. You can tell him why if you want to. Is it likely to make him see the error of his ways and change? Probably not. It would be interesting to know why he follows them. Are they friends of his irl, for example?

I think talk to him before making any decisions.

He could have followed them years ago and just never unfollowed and they may never show up on his homepage etc.

Little tip: if you get him to click on the 'search' page on his account (the magnifying glass at the bottom), this will bring up a page of similar posts to ones he interacts with. If it's filled with naked girls I would have a problem with that - I agree it's just kind of gross.

So they’re not people he knows irl. They have thousands of followers. He clearly follows them because he finds them attractive. I’m in two minds about the whole thing. He obviously followed them before we got together and he sent me the request so obviously wasn’t hiding it which suggests he’s just a bit thoughtless. I will tell him it makes me uncomfortable and take it from there. If he’s funny about it or insists on continuing to follow them then I guess it’s not meant to be. The whole thing just makes me feel uneasy. I wouldn’t dream of following such people when in a relationship but we’re two different people I guess. I’m worried about coming across as controlling or insecure

Thanks for the tip @redtshirt50

"I feel like this crosses my boundaries."

Then enforce your boundaries and get rid of him.

"None of my friends partners follow these types of accounts and I find it quite disrespectful."

That's because it is.

You’re right @FlamingoRoad . I’m usually good at enforcing boundaries but I’ve never been in this situation before. I will make it clear I’m not happy about it and ask him to unfollow them.

@Perridot "I will make it clear I’m not happy about it and ask him to unfollow them."

OK, but be prepared for him to refuse or, worse still, say he has unfollowed them when he hasn't.

@FlamingoRoad I will be able to see if he has unfollowed them or not. If he says no then the relationship is over. I’m not going to tolerate disrespect. None of my friends would put up with this so I don’t see why I should.

@Perridot 'I’m not going to tolerate disrespect.'

Good for you.
If more women stood up for themselves the men would have to raise their game !

You need to say no to men like this to make way for one who shares your values of decency and respect. Be strong and clear about what your want for your life. Incidentally, objectifying women is a warning sign for a whole lot of other sexist attitudes, so by moving on you have probably dodged a bullet.

Unfollowing them doesn't change his attitude about it does it?

This is a variation on the "he watches porn" theme that features in many threads on here. As others have said, it's up to you to decide on your boundaries. Many couples accept, or turn a blind eye, to passive use of visual sexual images, it is not always a deal breaker.

Another Instagram porn hound, and you can bet that he gets himself off when looking at those images.
It's an extremely addictive habit, and one I doubt he will be able to change very easily. He probably doesn't see any issue with it.

If that crosses your boundaries, then you know what needs to be done.

I wouldn't even bother talking about this because this is who he is. Even if he unfollowed them to appease you, he still followed them in the first place.

I'd tell him it's not working out and I'd end it very quickly.

If it makes you uncomfortable then finish the relationship. I want my husband not to do stuff like that because he doesn’t want to not because I told him not to. I just wouldn’t want that kind of man.

Get rid. Won't change. Will resent you for being controlling. You're not, you're right. It's pathetic and obviously shameless. Nah! Move on.

I hate men who follow these kinds of accounts. It’s creepy

Me too. You must now have a fatal case of the ick, surely?

I would end it purely because publicly creeping on scantily clad women is not a quality I look for in a partner. It says a lot about him, none of it good.

I also wonder how little self-respect these men have, that they don't mind bring creepy in public (Instagram follows are very public). Do they not realise their female friends judge them heavily for it?

I hate it when people think this can only be about jealousy.

I would be so turned off by a man who did this because it's just a bit pathetic and seedy.

Makes me cringe!

Completely fair reaction OP, exactly what mine would be.

To be clear I'd have no issue with any partner looking at pictures of naked women. I happily look at pictures of naked men sometimes.

But to do so in public and actually follow them on Instagram seems so unbecoming, and uncontrolled. No one else needs to know about what turns you on.

I wouldn't get into a relationship with a man like this, the first thing I do before a date is see how many women they follow and if they have too many that look dodgy, I dont even bother with them, that type of man is constantly on the look out.

Do they? I couldn't give a damn to be honest.

I wonder as well how many women on here follow attractive male celebs on insta? Or does the fame make it less offensive?

I have no idea who my partner follows on social media and haven't the time or inclination to find out. It doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is how he treats me, the kids, the people close to him and the values that matter to me. And he worships us all and has done for many years, couldn't do enough for us all and works hard to provide.
That's not to say everyone should be the same. Op, if it crosses your boundaries fair enough, but decide what your own boundaries are, not what your friends boundaries or people on the Internet feel. A man could have the tamest social media profile in the world, doesn't mean he's not shagging about 🤷‍♀️

That would give me the ick too.

DH and I have been together 14 years but in the early days (2008ish so before smart phones- just!) but he had a pc , mainly for gaming but he had a folder on it full of semi naked/ poser type model girls and actresses etc which was gross, I asked him to get rid and he deleted the whole folder and has never done anything like that since. So if he respects you and you ask him to unfollow, he should gladly do it. If he doesn’t, bin him.

If you want to talk to him about it before dumping him I wouldn't ask him to unfollow them. I would just mention it and see what he says. Literally 'you follow a lot of half naked women on Insta'.

This isn't really about jealousy or you wanting him not not find other women attractive is it? It's about his attitude in general. So try to find out about that rather than telling him not to look. Or just dump him which would be quicker and honestly is probably going to be the end result if you are serious about your boundaries.

4 months does not make a partner, he isn't even a boyfriend, he is just someone you are seeing and he is letting you know exactly this by opening up his instagram and showing you what he is like.

Listen to him, end this now, he isn't the man you are looking for