DP follows practically naked women on instagram

[Perridot]

Hi all,

I can’t sleep so thought I may as well post for advice. I’m in a new relationship. We’ve been together almost 4 months. I don’t really use social media but DP sent me an instagram friend request. I accepted and had a peek at who he was following. To my horror he follows quite a few women, a lot of whom are wearing next to nothing. Not sure if they’re only fans models but they may as well be since they’re wearing so little. I made a lighthearted comment about it and he responded with a joke.
AIBU to be put off by this? I feel like this crosses my boundaries. None of my friends partners follow these types of accounts and I find it quite disrespectful. I’m meant to be staying over at his tonight and I just don’t want to anymore. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable and I hate men who follow these kinds of accounts. It’s creepy and tells me they lack sexual discipline. If I’m being honest it’s given me the ick. I imagine we’ll have a proper conversation about it at some point today but I’m not sure on what I should say? Do I tell him to unfollow them? I want to but that seems controlling and I don’t want to be that type of person. My ex was a shit but even he didn’t follow these kinds of people on social media and that’s saying something as he turned out to be an utter twat. Do I just cut my losses? We haven’t been together very long so it wouldn’t be a massive loss but I would be sad as I do really like him and this is the only issue I have with him. We’re supposed to go on holiday next month but I’m unsure about him now. we’re late twenties if that’s relevant. Any advice would be appreciated.

I read Uni to you said you got the ick.

Don't whatever you do stay over. Just walk away.

A lot of you have hit the nail on the head. Unfollowing them would be great but I hate the fact he followed them in the first place. And the fact it’s so public makes me sick. I feel so embarrassed. I’ve just told him I’d like to discuss it at some point today. He hasn’t responded yet

@Mardyface I haven’t asked him to unfollow yet and I like your suggestion. To be honest that’s exactly what I said last night and he responded with a joke about how he follows someone that isn’t like that. Think Louis Theroux. And then he went to bed I don’t think he realised I was annoyed. I will just say it makes me uncomfortable and then his response will tell me everything I need to know. To the poster who said social media presence doesn’t really mean anything, I’m aware of that but I do think it says a lot about them. I really like him but this has made me look at him differently. When I think of the type of men who do this sort of this thing I think of sad old men. I don’t know a single man irl that does this which is why it came as a shock. I don’t really agree with porn but I’m accepting of it within reason. This just feels way too personal. Likes he’s personally sought them out and likes them coming up on his feed everyday as they’re all prolific posters. The whole thing is just icky

What is there to discuss? He is the sort of person who looks at women he doesn't know in provocative clothing or practically naked for sexual gratification. If that crosses a line for you then telling him to stop following them doesn't change who he is, merely shifts the visual evidence from plain sight.

No men I like do this because they don't objectify women. Some men do. Some women don't mind.

Enforce your boundaries and move on.

I would approach it with "I don't think this is working, we have different values and I find some of your behaviour disrespectful".

Gauge his reaction. If he's interested in what you mean, apologetic and immediately unfollows, then give him a chance. He might have followed them years ago without thinking.

Do you think a discussion, asking him to unfollow even, will make a difference to who he actually is?

After 4 months you have nothing to lose by relaying this man is not what you are looking for and setting yourself free

Just get rid of him. He objectifies women. He should have deleted his account immediately . He’s a sleaze ball.

This never used to bother me, but looking back, there is a significant correlation between guys who do this and guys who cheat. In my experience anyway.

Yep gives me the big ick. I have a tip to see what they're liking on facebook too if you want it. Just a massive turn off and crushes any feelings.. how are we mere mortals meant to compare? When they tell us we are beautiful how can we believe it? They're standards and tastes are way high and make us feel shit.. making a living breathing woman full of love and affection for them feel insecure is not gonna be a good relationship. They have to make their woman feel like a queen and the only one for their eyes.
They'll also be the types to be eyeing up young women and have wandering eyes when they're out with you.. their eyes are insatiable.

And yes it's not about being in a relationship. It's about who he is as a person even when single. Even if he unfollows them, he followed them in the first place.

I’m busy with work so won’t have time for a phone call. I’ve sent him a voice note saying I don’t like him following this type of content at all. I find it disrespectful and I would prefer if he unfollowed and didn’t follow this type of content again. I told him I accept he’s followed them for a while but I hate he followed them in the first place and I’ve told him why. I’ll update once I hear from him. Thank you all for your advice!

@CookPassBabtridge ’making a living breathing woman full of love and affection for them feel insecure is not gonna be a good relationship. They have to make their woman feel like a queen and the only one for their eyes.’

The is perfectly put, think this should be told to every man with a partner to be honest!

You sound like a doormat. It's been 4 months. Cut him loose.

Totally agree madnesss. I wouldn't be engaging over this at all .

I hardly think I’m a doormat @madnesss I’ve made it clear It makes me uncomfortable. I’d be a doormat if I decided to ignore it despite it bothering me. He followed them before we were together and obviously i don’t like it but some men can be oblivious and he seems like a nice guy so I’m hopeful he’ll apologise and unfollow them. Yes it’s only been 4 months but this is someone I get on great with. This is the only issue at the moment. Surely the fair thing to do is voice my discomfort and give him the opportunity to make things right? Cutting him off without a discussion seems over the top. If he decides he doesn’t want to unfollow then I’ll end things but I need to know what his response is first before making any decisions.

I said doormat become your reaction is to hope he unfollows because you get on great and he seems like a nice guy. The truth is he isn't that nice or he wouldn't be following in the first place. You are excusing him and willing to carry on if he unfollows. That is about as clear an example of a doormat as it gets. Have more respect for yourself. After 4 months he is showing you who he is and you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position by even considering continuing this relationship.

Yes, I agree. The fact that he didn’t mind you knowing shows that he has no respect for you, or for women in general. I wouldn’t want him to touch me.

But I would tell him why I’m leaving him. Not just say it’s not working.

This is something that I geel strongly about too OP.
I would say the same, it tells you who he is. It's objectifying women and even if he agrees to take them down it doesn't change him.
How is he around you, is he respectful, does he gawp at women, make comments, make disrespectful comments towards you, make sexual comments to you too much?
I'd see it as a red flag but maybe give him one chance. If he's great in other ways persue the relationship. If he's respectful and not generally childish...
Sometimes it takes a while for you to realise other stuff, and it's only been 4 months. Normally they're on their best behaviour at the start.

Should my husband break up with me for following a couple of male sports stars and musicians that I fancy? Am I a terrible person for occasionally looking at Jack Grealish's legs when mindlessly scrolling recipes, clothes, childrens phonics tips and gardening ideas?

People like to look at photos of attractive people. I agree is off putting if someone starts making creepy comments, or spends a lot of time doing this, and of course everyone has their own boundaries - but I don't think a single man having followed a couple of people willingly putting provocative photos on Instagram is a massive issue.

Your boundaries are your decision. Most men have at least looked at content like that in the past so you surely don't want rule out someone else based on the time before they met you?

The thing is @JofraArchersFastestBall that of course it's fine for you to feel like that but the OP doesn't. She can justify him doing it all she likes but ultimately she's just talking herself round. There must be very few of us who haven't ignored our own boundaries/instinct for the sake of a relationship and come to regret it.

For me following loads of half naked women on Instagram is a total turn off because it is openly declaring a particular attitude about women's bodies existing for titillation and to me suggests you don't think of women as human beings equal to men. You absolutely don't have to agree with me on that but I would be making a mistake in persuading myself to feel otherwise in order to have a relationship with someone who does it. I would be diminishing my own values and that's not a healthy way to be in a r'ship.

Good for you, OP

You've only just found out he does this and its given you the ick. And you are telling him how you feel. Up to him what he does with that now.

Its not controlling. Its saying you can't respect someone who follows half naked women publically, especially when in a relationship. I'd be exactly the same. Its a hard line for me.

If my DP was doing that and he carried on wanting to do that, even though he knew how disrespectful it would be to me and how I felt about it, then he can keep his half naked fantasies and sod off.

His reaction to you telling him you don't find it acceptable will be very revealing.

some men can be oblivious and he seems like a nice guy so I’m hopeful he’ll apologise and unfollow them

Some men can be oblivious is a poor cop out. Actively seeking out and objectifying multiple women online isn't oblivious at all and there's a reason you feel uncomfortable with it.

And he doesn't owe you an apology. If he owes anybody an apology, it's the women he objectifies. It sounds like you're in danger of minimising/excusing already and forgive me if I'm wrong, but you're pitching yourself into the role of woman who changes oblivious man by getting him to toe your line rather than having his own healthy and respectful line as part of his own character/boundaries.

Do you want to share your life with a man who doesn't objectify women or a man who gives the appearance of not objectifying women because you issued an ultimatum? They're not the same thing.