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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP follows practically naked women on instagram

119 replies

Perridot · 03/11/2022 03:06

Hi all,

I can’t sleep so thought I may as well post for advice. I’m in a new relationship. We’ve been together almost 4 months. I don’t really use social media but DP sent me an instagram friend request. I accepted and had a peek at who he was following. To my horror he follows quite a few women, a lot of whom are wearing next to nothing. Not sure if they’re only fans models but they may as well be since they’re wearing so little. I made a lighthearted comment about it and he responded with a joke.
AIBU to be put off by this? I feel like this crosses my boundaries. None of my friends partners follow these types of accounts and I find it quite disrespectful. I’m meant to be staying over at his tonight and I just don’t want to anymore. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable and I hate men who follow these kinds of accounts. It’s creepy and tells me they lack sexual discipline. If I’m being honest it’s given me the ick. I imagine we’ll have a proper conversation about it at some point today but I’m not sure on what I should say? Do I tell him to unfollow them? I want to but that seems controlling and I don’t want to be that type of person. My ex was a shit but even he didn’t follow these kinds of people on social media and that’s saying something as he turned out to be an utter twat. Do I just cut my losses? We haven’t been together very long so it wouldn’t be a massive loss but I would be sad as I do really like him and this is the only issue I have with him. We’re supposed to go on holiday next month but I’m unsure about him now. we’re late twenties if that’s relevant. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Musti · 03/11/2022 14:05

It is creepy and you’re right, even if he unfollows them, the fact that he followed them in the first place is gross. I started seeing some content on Facebook from some girls doing hula hooping and they were very talented and the. They got skimpier with their clothing and started flashing a bit and then I could see all these comments from these old pervs. Click on their profile and they’re married with kids. Yuck yuck. These beautiful girls wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole.

i categorically know that my boyfriend doesn’t objectify women and that’s the way I like it. An ex defended going to strip clubs as the only place open to do business after a certain time of day. Funny how I’d managed to do business for years and never had to step foot in a strip club.

Original poster
Perridot · 03/11/2022 14:28

@Notaboutthebass he is very respectful towards me/ other women and I’ve never caught him gawping at other women. This is why I was shocked because he treats me like a queen. This is the most confident I’ve ever felt with a man. This is why I feel like I need to discuss it with him before making a decision. I’m not a doormat despite what people think but I do believe in giving people one fair chance. My ex crossed a massive line when he attempted to do something sexually inappropriate behind my back and I left him so clearly I don’t excuse/ignore poor behaviour. I completely understand objectifying women is wrong. However I also believe in educating people instead of writing them off immediately. How will they learn if they’re not shown the error of their ways? I searched the likes on their pics and he hasn’t liked any of the ones I searched so I believe it’s just looking instead of actively engaging with it but it still makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 03/11/2022 14:31

Notaboutthebass he is very respectful towards me/ other women and I’ve never caught him gawping at other women. This is why I was shocked because he treats me like a queen. This is the most confident I’ve ever felt with a man. This is why I feel like I need to discuss it with him before making a decision. I’m not a doormat despite what people think but I do believe in giving people one fair chance

But you said he gives you the ick. Surely you don't want continue a relationship with someone that you find slightly repulsive?

The ick is enough of a reason to leave.

madnesss · 03/11/2022 14:36

he is very respectful towards me/ other women and I’ve never caught him gawping at other women. This is why I was shocked because he treats me like a queen.

Urgh, vomit inducing 'he treats me like a queen'

What you need in a relationship is an equal parented sot someone who fakes your pedestal.

However I also believe in educating people instead of writing them off immediately. How will they learn if they’re not shown the error of their ways?

Yes poor adult man Hmm

I don't know why you posted OP because you are going your hardest to defend this situation. It's a shame really, if you take a step back you would see the bigger picture.

Original poster
Perridot · 03/11/2022 14:53

I’m not trying to defend his behaviour. I’ve said if he agrees to unfollow then I’m happy to move forward provided it doesn’t happen again. I’d be doesn’t then I’ll end the relationship. I personally think it’s fair to give him a chance to see why it’s wrong if he’s able to realise why I feel the way I do. I don’t see why that’s so wrong.

OP posts:
madnesss · 03/11/2022 14:56

I’m not trying to defend his behaviour.

I said 'the situation', not his behaviour. There is a difference. You have found yourself in a situation where a man you have been seeing for only 4 months is showing you who he is. You are defensive if anybody suggests this man is not for you, because you 'get on great' and he 'treats you like a queen' - your defence is preventing you from being objective here.

Ofcourseshecan · 03/11/2022 15:01

I personally think it’s fair to give him a chance to see why it’s wrong if he’s able to realise why I feel the way I do.

Fair enough, OP. He may just be doing it because his friends do, or he thinks it’s just laddishness. I have to remember how porn-soaked the internet is, so kids are growing up thinking that’s normal.

It will be good to explain your views to him. Maybe he’s never encountered any resistance to the objectification of women before. (And it is still objectification when the woman engages in it apparently willingly.)

Original poster
Perridot · 03/11/2022 15:03

He has responded. He said he’s happy to unfollow them. He apologised and said he’s had instagram for 10 years so it’s not something he’s given thought to. I’ve said I appreciate that and would rather just go for a drink tonight instead of staying and he will go through the accounts he follows and unfollow the inappropriate ones when he sees me tonight. He also said he’s glad I brought it up. To be honest, I know people will judge me but I’m happy with this outcome. He want defensive at all and respected my feelings which is what I wanted. Thank you to those who gave me helpful advice and helped me realise I wasn’t unreasonable for feeling the way I do

OP posts:
H34th · 03/11/2022 15:15

Gosh, can ppl back off - 'he should be treating you as a queen', OP replies he is treating me as a queen, to then be told: 'yikes, he should treat you as equal'.

And for the people to call OP a doormat - just why? How is that helpful support?

I do believe the best thing you're looking for in a partner is to be able to communicate. OP has communicated her boundaries with no ambiguity and is trusting her instinct with regards to this man, taking into account his behaviour overall.

Op, good luck. He now knows where you stand with this. And you now know what to may be keep an eye on while you're still getting to know each other.

madnesss · 03/11/2022 15:21

Gosh, can ppl back off - 'he should be treating you as a queen', OP replies he is treating me as a queen, to then be told: 'yikes, he should treat you as equal'.

And for the people to call OP a doormat - just why? How is that helpful support?

I said both of these things.

The 'treats me like a queen' - yes he should treat OP like an equal. This treating her like a queen is fake shit, same lines as lovebombing. A red flag for sure.

I explained the doormat comment. How is it helpful? It's designed to make the person think and realise their situation. It goes one of 2 ways... they think about it and start to realise the truth of the situation they are in, or they get defensive. OP got defensive, OP seems not ready to give up the man because they get in great, regardless of his red flags. OP will probably be back to the forum in the near future regarding this relationship.

I know I didn't say it but it was absolutely meant to be supportive, as in to make OP eyes open.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2022 15:22

Was this discussion over texts?

Etinoxaurus · 03/11/2022 15:30

Perridot · 03/11/2022 15:03

He has responded. He said he’s happy to unfollow them. He apologised and said he’s had instagram for 10 years so it’s not something he’s given thought to. I’ve said I appreciate that and would rather just go for a drink tonight instead of staying and he will go through the accounts he follows and unfollow the inappropriate ones when he sees me tonight. He also said he’s glad I brought it up. To be honest, I know people will judge me but I’m happy with this outcome. He want defensive at all and respected my feelings which is what I wanted. Thank you to those who gave me helpful advice and helped me realise I wasn’t unreasonable for feeling the way I do

That sounds good. Particularly the time frame and non defensiveness.

Original poster
Perridot · 03/11/2022 15:52

@Aquamarine1029 it was initially over text but I wasn’t very clear as Ny text was quite lighthearted. I sent him a voice note earlier clearly explaining how it made me feel and why I was uncomfortable with it. He sent me a voice note back apologising and said he was happy to unfollow them and it wasn’t his intention for me to feel hurt. Thank you @H34th I’m glad I communicated my feelings clearly as the old me would have bottled it up for a while and then all my feelings would have come spilling out in an undignified manner. I’ve had a lot of therapy and I’m continuing to work on myself. I’m very happy with his response. I was anxious as my ex would often try to minimise and gaslight me so I’m glad that hasn’t happened with this guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perridot · 03/11/2022 15:58

@madnesss i feel you’re reading into my treats me like a queen comment a little too much. It was a poor choice of words as he doesn’t put me on a pedestal but he doesn’t treat me well. He’s very sweet and until now I’ve had no issues/red flags. He’s a lovely, reserved guy which is why I wanted to give him a fair chance as it’s a refreshing change from my last relationship. This guy has been happy to take it slow and has become more. Forthcoming as we’ve gotten to know each other. My ex definitely love bombed me and that relationship moved way too fast in the beginning. We treat each other as equals.

OP posts:
ChocChipOwl · 03/11/2022 16:05

Christ some of these comments are total overkill.

Of course it's really ugh and creepy when men follow dozens of fit women online and make creeper comments etc etc

But only YOU know your relationship and it's really early days by the sound of it. I'm not sure you can be making demands for him to unfollow people on his social media accounts? Are you really going to work through each one together and decide whether they can be kept or whether they go?

So I'm on the fence. I wouldn't want to date a man doing this but I also wouldn't want to be dating someone who, after 4 months, sits down with me and my social media accounts and tells me who to strike off and who can stay

madnesss · 03/11/2022 16:12

i feel you’re reading into my treats me like a queen comment a little too much.

That's entirely possible. It's hard to get a full understanding from a few words. Sorry.

FloydPepper · 03/11/2022 16:14

ChocChipOwl · 03/11/2022 16:05

Christ some of these comments are total overkill.

Of course it's really ugh and creepy when men follow dozens of fit women online and make creeper comments etc etc

But only YOU know your relationship and it's really early days by the sound of it. I'm not sure you can be making demands for him to unfollow people on his social media accounts? Are you really going to work through each one together and decide whether they can be kept or whether they go?

So I'm on the fence. I wouldn't want to date a man doing this but I also wouldn't want to be dating someone who, after 4 months, sits down with me and my social media accounts and tells me who to strike off and who can stay

I think I agree with your last sentence. If someone I’d been with a very short period of time made me go through who I follow, and gave her approval or disapproval, I don’t think that works for me

yes you can break up, that’s your right, but policing who someone follows, is friends with, looks at. Nope

Fairislefandango · 03/11/2022 16:16

I'd just end it. Whether he agrees to unfollow them or not, he's still the kind of man who does that. He'd certainly give me the ick too.

Fairislefandango · 03/11/2022 16:22

So I'm on the fence. I wouldn't want to date a man doing this but I also wouldn't want to be dating someone who, after 4 months, sits down with me and my social media accounts and tells me who to strike off and who can stay

I agree. It's pointless and unreasonable to try to impose your expectations on a man you've been with for 4 months and try to change his habits. Either decide you're happy with this kind of man or ltb.

CookPassBabtridge · 03/11/2022 16:26

When I said "see her as his queen" I didn't mean lovebomning, apoiling her, flowers and all that shit.. a relationship is about being equal and real. I meant in terms of not seeing other women in that light anymore and being focussed sexually and giving attention only to OP, to create security.. which will mean a happier relationship. A woman will flourish with a man if he has eyes only for her.

Original poster
Perridot · 03/11/2022 16:27

I hear what you’re saying which is why I posted as I wasn’t sure if it is controlling. However now I’ve thought about it I think I was wrong to say I’d rather he didn’t follow them. I’m not saying he can’t follow any women, I just personally don’t feel comfortable with him following women who post countless underwear selfies. I don’t think that’s unreasonable and clearly neither does he as he’s agreed to unfollow and said he’s not bothered about having to do so. I do see where you’re coming from though

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 03/11/2022 16:27

Lovebombing*
Spoiling*

Original poster
Perridot · 03/11/2022 16:28

I also made it clear he doesn’t have to unfollow them if he doesn’t want to but that I also don’t have to stay with someone if they’re crossing a boundary of mine. He has female friends and that doesn’t bother me at all, nor would I police how much time he spends with them.

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 03/11/2022 16:28

Yes don't try and change someone.. he will still probably look at this stuff without you knowing. It's up to you if you're okay with that.

FloydPepper · 03/11/2022 20:09

I still don’t think you get to choose. You can’t decide one is too revealing but another is ok. Too many selfies? Underwear? Swimwear? Too attractive?

you either stay or go, but it’s not right to expect to pick and choose who he looks at online.