DP follows practically naked women on instagram

[Perridot]

Hi all,

I can’t sleep so thought I may as well post for advice. I’m in a new relationship. We’ve been together almost 4 months. I don’t really use social media but DP sent me an instagram friend request. I accepted and had a peek at who he was following. To my horror he follows quite a few women, a lot of whom are wearing next to nothing. Not sure if they’re only fans models but they may as well be since they’re wearing so little. I made a lighthearted comment about it and he responded with a joke.
AIBU to be put off by this? I feel like this crosses my boundaries. None of my friends partners follow these types of accounts and I find it quite disrespectful. I’m meant to be staying over at his tonight and I just don’t want to anymore. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable and I hate men who follow these kinds of accounts. It’s creepy and tells me they lack sexual discipline. If I’m being honest it’s given me the ick. I imagine we’ll have a proper conversation about it at some point today but I’m not sure on what I should say? Do I tell him to unfollow them? I want to but that seems controlling and I don’t want to be that type of person. My ex was a shit but even he didn’t follow these kinds of people on social media and that’s saying something as he turned out to be an utter twat. Do I just cut my losses? We haven’t been together very long so it wouldn’t be a massive loss but I would be sad as I do really like him and this is the only issue I have with him. We’re supposed to go on holiday next month but I’m unsure about him now. we’re late twenties if that’s relevant. Any advice would be appreciated.

I might be wrong but I thought the OP said he said he offered to go through and delete them , not that she was making him it sitting with him going through it ?

You've handled this situation so well OP and I'm so glad there was a positive outcome!

This, totally.

Mens perspective here. Without social constraints, heterosexual men generally like looking at pictures of attractive females not wearing very much, and this hopefully shouldn't be news to anyone. Heterosexual females also like looking at pictures of attractive men, though it's less overt and often more focused on specific individuals.

Neither of these things are wrong, or creepy, and I hope you wouldn't get upset with a female friend crushing on a male celebrity or following them on Instagram.

But these very natural feelings and behaviours can cause problems when you move into new environments where social norms are different. As far as I can tell, your problem is you have transitioned into a relationship, and worry about how acceptable his behaviour is for a long term partner and how your friends will react to being able to see a public display of his interest. You have checked your friends partners to see if they do the same. Would this have been OK if they had been doing so? If this absolutely wrong, wrong for your social group, or wrong for you?

(TBH I think finding someone who understands after explaining why you don't like this, and be prepared to change, is a sign they might be a decent bloke and worth giving some time to)

Ugh, here we go..

Quite.

Thanks for mansplaining why women should always give their men total freedom to be lecherous and not disrupt the normality of objectifying anonymous naked women. Got it. 👍🏼

Op I've had these issues with my husband. Numerous times now. It's upsetting and makes you feel like shit and causes trust issues. He was even commenting on pics. Nothing that bad but the fact he was doing it hurt me. It's up to you what you do. There's a big difference between looking at celebs/pretty celebs etc and looking at half naked models. Sending hugs xxxx

For example I forgot to add
I love Henry cavill and like his Instagram and photos. But I don't have other men or half naked male models on mine sexually provocative photos etc and I wouldn't either. There's a big difference and it's all about respect aswell

I completely agree with you

This thread is a bit 🤔. I know my partner follows some attractive Hollywood Celebs, some footballers, basketball players and some fitness guys on Instagram. Who do post topless picture etc. I can't imagine telling her to unfollow all of them because I feel uncomfortable.

Would this not be a red flag if one of your friends said her new partner asked her to unfollow David Beckham and 20 other famous men because it made him feel uncomfortable?

I think there's a massive difference between following hot celebs such as David Beckham and the type of women my husband was following ("suicide girls", half naked models in seductive poses etc and loads of them ) and if it's excessive then yes it is an issue and right to mention you dont like it

It's not quite the same as naked female models being letched over.. but yeah I've never followed male celebs either. Will there ever be a man who "gets" this? It would help their relationships no end.

I would never follow an attractive man on Instagram just because he was physically attractive and so I could get a little thrill out of seeing his body or even his nice twinkly eyes every day. If I did and my H said 'you're objectifying him and it's horrible' I would have to agree with him.

It's not about somebody doing something (eg playing basketball) and posting revealing shots sometimes, it's about people posting pictures of their revealed bodies for the sake of their half naked bodies. They can do it if they want and people can follow them if they want, but I think it's objectifying and I don't like it. If there were men who regularly posted like that (and there probably are and it's probably also for the male gaze) I would feel the same about women (or gay men) following them too.

Perridot · Yesterday 03:43
@FlamingoRoad I will be able to see if he has unfollowed them or not. If he says no then the relationship is over. I’m not going to tolerate disrespect. None of my friends would put up with this so I don’t see why I should“

exactly the right response. Sick of the “all men do it” trope. They really don’t.

@Sosillysilly yes you’re right. He has offered to go through and unfollow them. I’m certainly not sitting him down and hovering over him whilst I state which accounts are appropriate to follow as a pp suggested.

@letitcomedown i find your response a tad patronising although I’m sure it was well intentioned. I don’t understand your comment about what I’d do if it was a female friend doing these things as that is a platonic relationship and therefore none of my business. And no it still wouldn’t be acceptable if my friends partners followed that sort of content. This behaviour is wrong for my social group and for me. I do agree with the last part of your comment. He has understood where I’m coming from with no defensiveness or anger and he has taken the necessary steps to make things right which I really appreciate

I wish men would understand what we mean when we say this makes us uncomfortable. We are not saying you can’t find other people attractive. Nor are we saying you can’t look at other people. But there has to be a limit. I have no issues with him following beautiful female celebrities. With them you might get the odd bikini pic but it’s not prolific like the types of accounts I mentioned earlier. These accounts post highly sexualised content day in day out. You cannot compare it to the odd top less pic of David Beckham. Women also don’t tend to objectify men the way men objectify women. To the men who posted on this thread, how many times have you been catcalled in the street? How many times has a stranger tried to inappropriately touch you on the train? My guess is never, but for women this is a daily occurrence.

@Kittycatkitty I’m sorry to hear that. Is it still happening? Have you been very firm with him? If he’s still doing it despite you asking him not to then that’s incredibly disappointing and I would struggle to find a way forward. Seeing them fawn over others erodes your confidence. And yes you’re right. I follow attractive male celebrities but I would never follow a guy that posts underwear pics all the time. That gives me the ick

My ex who I was with for 9 years followed women like that on SM. I was the same as you, it made me feel icky and put me off him a bit. Same as you, I light heartedly made a joke about it at the beginning and he deleted them all straight away. There was nothing all the years after so I wouldn't worry (although my ex is a knob for other reasons!)

I gotta say I’m pretty suprised by these comments.
I didn’t know so many women were againts this kind of behaviour.

Can I ask, does this include porn to you?
I just ask, because usually MN is mostly (not all) pro-porn, and if that is okey, why does instagram matter?
What about OF?

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup so porn is a tricky one. I watch porn myself but I use a particular site which features porn for women that is made by women. That way I’m as sure as I can be that there’s no trafficking/coercion happening. So as weird as it sounds I try to watch porn ethically. I accept that most men watch porn so it doesn’t bother me as much as it’s done privately and not for all to see. I wouldn’t date someone who watched violent porn or porn with teenage/barely legal women. I also wouldn’t date someone who watched porn excessively as this shows a lack of sexual discipline. I feel like the social media bothers me more as it’s seems more personal/intentional. You actively seek out the profile and follow it and then engage with the content as it shows up in your feed everyday.

He may take them down now to please you, I'd still be wary though, this isn't the odd celeb crush it's following half naked women, he probably has only fans too, this is the kind of man he is. Female friends too, you say this doesn't bother you, for now.

Only Fans is an absolute no as again this is way more personal and there is money involved. I would consider that cheating.

I'd say MN is usually anti-porn. And only fans is 🤢 Of course it's sleazy!

@minticecreamisjustok i doubt he has only fans. I will keep an eye on the situation but for now he’s more than happy to unfollow. He only has a couple of female friends and he usually sees them in a group with other guys. That doesn’t bother me at all. I believe men and women can be friends. They’ve been friends for years so if something was going to happen it would have happened by now.