DP follows practically naked women on instagram

[Perridot]

Hi all,

I can’t sleep so thought I may as well post for advice. I’m in a new relationship. We’ve been together almost 4 months. I don’t really use social media but DP sent me an instagram friend request. I accepted and had a peek at who he was following. To my horror he follows quite a few women, a lot of whom are wearing next to nothing. Not sure if they’re only fans models but they may as well be since they’re wearing so little. I made a lighthearted comment about it and he responded with a joke.
AIBU to be put off by this? I feel like this crosses my boundaries. None of my friends partners follow these types of accounts and I find it quite disrespectful. I’m meant to be staying over at his tonight and I just don’t want to anymore. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable and I hate men who follow these kinds of accounts. It’s creepy and tells me they lack sexual discipline. If I’m being honest it’s given me the ick. I imagine we’ll have a proper conversation about it at some point today but I’m not sure on what I should say? Do I tell him to unfollow them? I want to but that seems controlling and I don’t want to be that type of person. My ex was a shit but even he didn’t follow these kinds of people on social media and that’s saying something as he turned out to be an utter twat. Do I just cut my losses? We haven’t been together very long so it wouldn’t be a massive loss but I would be sad as I do really like him and this is the only issue I have with him. We’re supposed to go on holiday next month but I’m unsure about him now. we’re late twenties if that’s relevant. Any advice would be appreciated.

@InsertSomethingInspiring I’m glad he did the right thing and unfollowed them! It’s so icky. Unfortunately it’s very normalised but I still refuse to put up with it

I follow Chris Hemsworth.

However, I don't look at him in the nude and fiddle with my foofoo whilst I do it.

That's the difference between what this guy is doing. He'd be gone, if I was seeing a guy doing this,

So do I, and Chris Hemsworth, and I agree with the rest of your post.

Interesting. So it's less about him looking at the images and more about the fact what he looking at is open to everyone.

It feels a bit of a wavy line. You don't like him following "her" on Instagram when she's clothed but happy for him to watch the same person on PornHub for example.

@whatnow123 it's not a wavy line. It's quite clear.

The function of porn is to create sexual arousal, whatever you think about people watching it/wanking to it.

Instagram is a public forum. The function of it is communication. Women's bodies are just women's bodies. The function of a woman's body is just to exist for its own sake. To use Instagram photos as porn, which is what you're doing if you're following women on a public forum in order to become aroused by their bodies, is to suggest that you think the function of women's bodies is to create sexual arousal and you are declaring that in public.

That's the problem. None of it is illegal. But trying to argue with someone about why their objections are wrong is quite annoying.

MN is much more anti porn than pro porn!

Okey, so it’s more that you’d like it to be more out of sight - out of mind?

Maybe he could get a second and private account for masturbation habit?
Since you clearly don’t have any moral objections to objectifying women.

Tbh I fon’t know what violent porn means these days, hitting, strangulation, degradation is mainstream these days. Isn’t that violent?
Teens are the most searched term, so highly lilely he / men watch that.

Why is paying not okey?
Isin’t ’female friendly’ or ’ethical’ porn usually something you have to pay for?

Also I don’t think women making porn makes it automatically any better. A lot of women don’t like other women are are okey using and exploiting them.

Definetly not more anti porn.

Have you ever seen threads were woman says her husband doesn’t watch porn?
She gets piled on and laughed at.
I posted on FEMINIST board to ask how did they (a feminist who wants to date men) navigate finding a man who doesn’t watch porn, I was told they all watch it.
You can go and have a look, it’s on the front page still.

There are ’anti’ porn people here, but drowned out by pro porn voices.

I think you could find a different attitude on any given day. Mn is huge. It always used to be broadly anti-porn but I think the demographic has changed as it has grown.

I'm a man and I want to say thanks to the women on this thread for taking the time to write about how this feels for them. I came to Mumsnet mostly to listen and learn, because @Perridot is right: I don't know how it feels to be catcalled or groped and so on. I don't know how it feels to be in the half of the population who get objectified constantly. Lots of posts on Mumsnet really shock me. I am trying to learn and understand more, but I admit that I can never fully know.

I think a lot of men don't "get it", and it's tempting for some men to think "these people's opinions clash with mine, so I will try to prove them wrong" but I'm trying to spend more time thinking "these people have good reasons for feeling how they feel, and I want to try to understand where they are coming from."

Not sure what the point of this comment was.
So one day it’s pro, the next it’s anti…
Okey.
Luckily this topic pops up quite often, so everyone can join.

🙌🏼👏🏼

My point was I don't think MN is pro-porn generally.

We’ll have to agree to disagree mandy.

@MoonbeamsGlittering I’m so glad you’re taking the time to listen and learn. I think a lot of relationships would be smoother sailing if more men did this. @whatnow123 i most certainly wouldn’t be happy with him following porn stars on social media. @Mardyface has hit the nail on the head. Social media isn’t meant to be for arousal. If he wants that then he can do that privately on a site that is specifically for that. You’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to mine.

OP so porn is a tricky one. I watch porn myself but I use a particular site which features porn for women that is made by women. That way I’m as sure as I can be that there’s no trafficking/coercion happening. So as weird as it sounds I try to watch porn ethically

Ever heard about 'people in glass houses?'

Ethical porn doesn't exist. Porn objectifies people. Porn creates fantasies that are unobtainable.

You've been in a relationship 4 months, you both use porn and it's causing problems.
There's a lesson here somewhere.

My ex once called me a "miserable fucking bitch". I told him to never call me that again or I'd leave him. I remember feeling assertive and proud of myself for the "reasoned" way I brought this up with him. He never called me that again either (at least not to my face!). But he was still the same person who had those thoughts about me.

Be careful that you're not ignoring who he is. You're still with a man who publicly follows naked women and sees nothing wrong in you and the rest of the world knowing that. Unfollowing them doesn't change who he is or what he believes about women. There are nearly always problems down the line with men like this. (My ex had no qualms about public social media comments about near naked women either. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.)

I agree
I had an ex who used to follow similar accounts and it bothered me that he was that type of page 3 loving guy who oggles women. He did end up unfollowing a few accounts but he also had only fans and also followed others on snap chat so just beware. If that's what he likes to look at throughout his day, he will find other means. I've never felt so insecure in a relationship than with this guy it was absolutely awful and I ended up feeling like every time his followings would go up I'd panic that he started following some other girl. It wasn't me and it was awful for my mental health.

Yeah they're just like this, it's a compulsion and they've probably done it since teens. If you don't want to be eternally insecure then get out now.