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Original poster

Also had the feeling of being kept hidden

152 replies

wishingwaslucky · 02/11/2022 10:56

I read on here recently a thread about a woman whose DH wasn't inviting her to social events and that she felt she was being kept hidden.
I wanted to summarise my own situation in case it helps at all.
Some while ago now I posted a similar question to this forum. With my DH he seemed to be avoiding being seen with me, but only in my home town. He was quite happy for us to be out together, at pubs and restaurants and outdoor activities, but only in other parts of the country/abroad.
At the time MN came up with various suggestions as to why this might be happening.
I worked methodically through each one and discounted them. For example.
I hadn't changed my appearance or put on weight, so could rule out him being ashamed of me.
He hadn't developed depression, or agoraphobia or similar because we still went together to shopping centres in neighbouring counties, pubs and restaurants further afield and on holiday overseas.
It wasn't that he was bored with the home town because it is one of the more beautiful in the UK, with plenty to do and see.
Having eliminated options, I engineered a situation where he had no choice really but to walk with me through the main shopping area of my home town during the day. It felt crazy that we hadn't really done that for probably about ten years.
He seemed edgy, walked quickly, got to a certain point, then exclaimed 'you don't really need me with you to do XYZ do you? I'll go back to work' (he's self-employed so wasn't under any time limit). He promptly turned round and basically left me standing in the middle of a shopping area.
I still haven't got to the bottom of this, but my only conclusion is that there must be someone who could potentially be in the area and that he does not want to bump into them whilst with me.
This is the only logical conclusion.

OP posts:
Tillynoodle · 06/11/2022 13:57

I think he cried with relief that you hadn’t stumbled upon the truth. He’s tense with guilt.
Pursue the woman who looked you up and down. She knows more than you do; despite his denial he knows her well. Quite possibly she holds the key.
I hope he hasn’t bad-mouthed you, that it’s not as bad as it looks and it can be resolved.

something2say · 06/11/2022 16:43

I wonder - is he a police officer and there is someone who threatened you, his wife, and he doesn't want to be seen with you in front of town scallies, or tell you that there has been a threat? The crying and 'is THAT what you thought?' would add up?

pastabakeonaplate · 06/11/2022 16:46

Get a PI

Findmeintheshed · 07/11/2022 08:21

The thing that strikes me about this thread and the other thread is that both women seem to be intelligent, they know something very dodgy is going on, but they are also very passive and not able to make decisions or take action.
I guess they know once the big secret is revealed (Homosexuality/affairs/another family/gambling etc) then their lives will never be the same, even if they stay with their husbands.
I personally would still want to know.

Tillynoodle · 07/11/2022 08:38

once the big secret is revealed…then their lives will never be the same
Agreed. Fear and the idea of change don’t sit comfortably, plus there’s the uncertainty and self-doubt which freeze people into inertia.

Definitelycross · 07/11/2022 09:17

Findmeintheshed · 07/11/2022 08:21

The thing that strikes me about this thread and the other thread is that both women seem to be intelligent, they know something very dodgy is going on, but they are also very passive and not able to make decisions or take action.
I guess they know once the big secret is revealed (Homosexuality/affairs/another family/gambling etc) then their lives will never be the same, even if they stay with their husbands.
I personally would still want to know.

Or, it could be, as it was with me, that you've been gaslit for so many years that you don't know which way is up.

You question yourself on everything.

With me it was never a fear of change. It was being made to feel like you're going crazy and imagining or projecting things that aren't there. Particularly if they are still at the stage of 'loving' you.

I'm sorry but I find these type of comments are made by people who have never been caught up with a manipulative person who you thought you knew inside out.

Believe me when it does come out you feel so stupid it's unreal. Then you question every single part of your life.

Being gaslit is so abusive.

likeyourshoes · 07/11/2022 11:46

I agree, it's gaslighting. I think most people would have to experience it to truly understand what it's like.
I say it's like, at moments, the world closes right in, or just stops. It's like you know you're looking at familiar things, places and people in your world but they suddenly become unfamiliar and strange. It's like you are shifted out of your frame of reference or your perspective shifts. It's like viewing normal, everyday things through a different lens - then lens of lying and cheating. It's like seeing a young woman in the street and wondering if your cheating partner has had sex with someone like her.
It's fucking soul destroying if you let it and it needs a herculean effort to overcome it and re-see the beauty in the world.

likeyourshoes · 07/11/2022 14:44

something2say · 06/11/2022 16:43

I wonder - is he a police officer and there is someone who threatened you, his wife, and he doesn't want to be seen with you in front of town scallies, or tell you that there has been a threat? The crying and 'is THAT what you thought?' would add up?

That would add up but it doesnt explain him not introducing his wife to people she doesnt know does it?

Definitelycross · 07/11/2022 17:08

likeyourshoes · 07/11/2022 11:46

I agree, it's gaslighting. I think most people would have to experience it to truly understand what it's like.
I say it's like, at moments, the world closes right in, or just stops. It's like you know you're looking at familiar things, places and people in your world but they suddenly become unfamiliar and strange. It's like you are shifted out of your frame of reference or your perspective shifts. It's like viewing normal, everyday things through a different lens - then lens of lying and cheating. It's like seeing a young woman in the street and wondering if your cheating partner has had sex with someone like her.
It's fucking soul destroying if you let it and it needs a herculean effort to overcome it and re-see the beauty in the world.

You sound like you've been through the hell too. I'm so sorry.

I still question my perception of things now. It's something, luckily, people who haven't experienced it can't imagine.

It's like saying - why did you put up with it. First I didn't even realise 'it' was happening. Then you believe, well I did, that the problem was me, not him.

Gaslighting is insidious and often only apparent in hindsight.

blisstwins · 08/11/2022 04:02

Definitelycross · 07/11/2022 17:08

You sound like you've been through the hell too. I'm so sorry.

I still question my perception of things now. It's something, luckily, people who haven't experienced it can't imagine.

It's like saying - why did you put up with it. First I didn't even realise 'it' was happening. Then you believe, well I did, that the problem was me, not him.

Gaslighting is insidious and often only apparent in hindsight.

Show quote history

Also, it preys on you having the capacity to love and trust, which are so normal and essential. You should be able to love and trust without questioning everything. It makes it so hard to get back to baseline—very insidious, very abusive.

Definitelycross · 09/11/2022 14:18

@wishingwaslucky how are you feeling now?

Polecat07 · 09/11/2022 20:45

Could it be a mental health issue, OP?
I had a ex who managed to hide his anxiety and self medicating quite well - never noticed for a long time because we could go out and about together to the neighbouring villages and local towns - but someplace outwith a certain radius and he just went awol. Literally ran away and left me in the middle of our nearest city. Close to home was 'safe', but outwith that he was secretly having huge panic attacks and abandoned me many times (before boarding a train to another city, another time I'd booked tickets to an event further afield etc). He was so dishonest about it and I had no clue what was going on for quite a while, he'd make up such nonsense and stall or ruin plans. Secretly drinking to manage other things. Just a thought. Hope you get to the bottom of your one.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/11/2022 14:43

How's it going, OP?
Have you received any further explanation?
Flowers

Original poster
wishingwaslucky · 14/11/2022 14:56

No further explanation, haven't got a PI, but think he might recently have sent me a Whatsapp message by mistake so I tried looking at his phone. Only had ten seconds and noticed there's an archived chat with one of his friends names. Didn't have time to read it but will do.

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 14/11/2022 16:34

I think you're right to further investigate. What was the message he sent by mistake?

Seaweed42 · 14/11/2022 16:42

Ah here, somethings not right about this post.

"he seemed very shocked at this, and then he immediately started crying"

Your DH of 10 years suddenly starts crying and you don't think to pursue it?

Does he cry a lot then for no reason?

If you are not pursuing his reason for crying inexplicably, then what else are you turning a massive, massive blind eye to?

mrsmillertron · 11/01/2023 17:10

Did you get any further with your investigations OP?

DeeCeeCherry · 11/01/2023 19:56

He's having an affair with a man or a woman. He's told whoever it is that you no longer have a life together, or the usual crap that you live in the same house but have zero relationship and he'll move out when it's easier just needs to wait for (insert dumb reason here___).

He's telling lies about you to whoever is cheating with, and also to other people which is why they look at you appraisingly when you come across them. To them you're likely the bitch wife he's still living with but can'tgwt away from just yet.

I've absolutely no idea why you have been faffing around for so long, instead of telling him you know he's up to something and that if he isn't then come on, let's go have lunch in the centre of town in a nice restaurant and you can explain whats up whilst we eat and chat.

Your husband is a pig. He's making it blatantly obvious that he wouldn't be seen dead with you. The nerve of him. You shouldve called him out long ago. If he wont go out for meal in town with you then boot him out as you have no relationship anyway.

booboo24 · 11/01/2023 23:46

Nothing much to add except my initial reaction to him crying was that it was due to relief, he was relieved that that's what you thought rather than him being caught out. I hope you've managed to get some answers op

quietnightmare · 11/01/2023 23:51

Hope you get to the bottom of this and it isn't sinister

emptythelitterbox · 12/01/2023 00:52

Any updates?

mathanxiety · 12/01/2023 01:17

It could be an affair, and it could be a man or a woman.

mathanxiety · 12/01/2023 01:28

@likeyourshoes

Very well described. Been there too.

I wish I had had the money for a PI. If I had hired a PI it would have taken me far less time to find out that my very strong sense that exH was deeply uncomfortable walking with me through a public transport hub was because there were men's loos there which were notorious for their anything goes m2m sex scene.

Geppili · 12/01/2023 02:11

Go back to the geographical point at which he stopped and left you in town. Thereabouts will be his secret.

Geppili · 12/01/2023 02:17

"As to when he left abruptly it was literally like, we're walking side by side, quite quickly, he seemed edgy, I said something let's go into that shop, he stops, states that he didn't think I really needed him with me to do that, and high tails it. " Go here and look at the shops, flats and cafes.

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