Also had the feeling of being kept hidden

[wishingwaslucky]

I read on here recently a thread about a woman whose DH wasn't inviting her to social events and that she felt she was being kept hidden.
I wanted to summarise my own situation in case it helps at all.
Some while ago now I posted a similar question to this forum. With my DH he seemed to be avoiding being seen with me, but only in my home town. He was quite happy for us to be out together, at pubs and restaurants and outdoor activities, but only in other parts of the country/abroad.
At the time MN came up with various suggestions as to why this might be happening.
I worked methodically through each one and discounted them. For example.
I hadn't changed my appearance or put on weight, so could rule out him being ashamed of me.
He hadn't developed depression, or agoraphobia or similar because we still went together to shopping centres in neighbouring counties, pubs and restaurants further afield and on holiday overseas.
It wasn't that he was bored with the home town because it is one of the more beautiful in the UK, with plenty to do and see.
Having eliminated options, I engineered a situation where he had no choice really but to walk with me through the main shopping area of my home town during the day. It felt crazy that we hadn't really done that for probably about ten years.
He seemed edgy, walked quickly, got to a certain point, then exclaimed 'you don't really need me with you to do XYZ do you? I'll go back to work' (he's self-employed so wasn't under any time limit). He promptly turned round and basically left me standing in the middle of a shopping area.
I still haven't got to the bottom of this, but my only conclusion is that there must be someone who could potentially be in the area and that he does not want to bump into them whilst with me.
This is the only logical conclusion.

I think he could have been untruthful either making out that you are a bossy controlling woman and he's not allowed out or that yes he's available.

You must feel like you are going crazy.

I feel you have to confront it head on.

His response was 'was that what you thought?', he seemed very shocked at this, and then he immediately started crying, he said 'no, no', then hugged me

Well, he won't mind walking with you in this area tomorrow then , just to prove you wrong, will he?

Yep again.

I ended up seriously considering my sanity. It's taken me three years and counting to realise all the lies

I'd say he's online presenting himself as separated or divorced even.

Sounds like he is cheating on you

Could he have frequented some gay bars out of curiosity and maybe doesn't want to bump into anyone he was chatting to there, or a gambling place, or had some kind of (drunken/out of character) altercation with someone that he is ashamed of and he doesn't want to bump into any of those potential people while out with you.

Perhaps he's a bigamist.

This sounds so stressful and confusing for you OP.

I can only think:

• Affair with a man or woman
• Secret clubs that he attends and doesn't want them to bump into you both incase it comes out
• He is embarrassed of your job? You said you can't have SM due to it, is it something that can be considered political or divisive such as social work/police or something taboo?
• Another wife or two?
• More children from different relationships?

Just have it out with him. Be blunt and direct. Just talk through all the evidence and tell him it’s fucking weird behaviour for a husband and ask him what the fuck is going on?

I couldn’t be dealing with all this tiptoeing around and doing detective work,

The bit where you said he doesn't introduce you to people in the town you live in rang massive bells to me as this is what my ex husband did...as you can tell by the ex there was a lot I didn't know about what he got up to.

Why don’t you spend some money on a private investigator & get an answer once & for all?

You can't "have it out" with some men. They won't ever tell the truth until they are confronted with hard evidence.

OP, I'd buy an air tag and put it in his car.

Just one thing - that day when he walked off, when you got home, was he there?

Not sure why but I'm thinking it's another man 🫣 he's got a whole double life you know nothing about. I hope to god I'm wrong of course!! You need to become a private investigator quick sharp

Hire a private investigator to do all the leg work for you.

I remember a thread on MN where a woman did that and FINALLY got evidence her husband was cheating.

She confronted him. He admitted it. She divorced him and from her last update, is living a happier life.

Not always possible.

I had to WhatsApp the other woman in front of him and asked her. Whilst he sat beside me denying it.

I even said to him - what will she say?
He shrugged his shoulders
She told me it'd been five years

I turned to him
He shrugged so I threw him out before I was tempted to hit him.

Some people are just bad

@wishingwaslucky

he is not worried about your daughters friends seeing him and a affair partner in town as they don’t go together. He is worried about affair partner seeing you both when they are not with him, he does not know where there are and they could be in town.

just a theory

I think it was @RishisProudMum who asked about him perhaps being gay.
I thought he was gay when I first met him, actually, but then quickly changed that belief. He definitely is attracted to me (and to other women I'd say, not just to me). I know that doesn't rule out bisexuality of course.

I can't remember. What, are you thinking he had a pre-arranged meetup time?

Been thinking that.

Is there a bar (gay bar?) or casino or something like that near there? Somewhere he frequents behind your back? He might be worried about running into another regular

It's obvious he's up to something and at this point I'd seriously be considering a PI. And if that 'something' was no big deal, he wouldn't need to conceal it.

Are you able to get into his finances, particularly his business? Look for large cash deposits & withdrawals and unfamiliar places or businesses. If not, what would he say if you asked to see them to allay your suspicions. If DH and I had separate finances and he asked to see mine because he was worried, I'd be upset and angry that he doubted me but I'd tell him to take a look if he'd feel better.

My thoughts are; an affair, secret child, gambling, drugs, debt owed to a loan shark. I'd say maybe he's lost his job and is afraid you'll run in to someone who will spill the beans, but you say he's self-employed. Is it possible he's lost the business?

As far as putting an Air Tag in the car goes, if he has an iPhone, or a specific app on an Android phone, he will be notified if an AirTag not registered to him is 'following' him. It doesn't happen immediately, sometimes it doesn't happen for hours or days. And there's no way for the 'owner' of the AirTag to silence the notification. I know this because we have one in our car (by mutual consent) and it's registered to DH. Every so often I'll get a message on my phone telling me that I'm being 'followed' by it. Plus, if he has half a brain, he'd park the car and take an Uber to do whatever he's doing.

Well he will most likely lie and gaslit her.

Private investigator is the way to go for sure.

He cried out of guilt.