Also had the feeling of being kept hidden

[wishingwaslucky]

I read on here recently a thread about a woman whose DH wasn't inviting her to social events and that she felt she was being kept hidden.
I wanted to summarise my own situation in case it helps at all.
Some while ago now I posted a similar question to this forum. With my DH he seemed to be avoiding being seen with me, but only in my home town. He was quite happy for us to be out together, at pubs and restaurants and outdoor activities, but only in other parts of the country/abroad.
At the time MN came up with various suggestions as to why this might be happening.
I worked methodically through each one and discounted them. For example.
I hadn't changed my appearance or put on weight, so could rule out him being ashamed of me.
He hadn't developed depression, or agoraphobia or similar because we still went together to shopping centres in neighbouring counties, pubs and restaurants further afield and on holiday overseas.
It wasn't that he was bored with the home town because it is one of the more beautiful in the UK, with plenty to do and see.
Having eliminated options, I engineered a situation where he had no choice really but to walk with me through the main shopping area of my home town during the day. It felt crazy that we hadn't really done that for probably about ten years.
He seemed edgy, walked quickly, got to a certain point, then exclaimed 'you don't really need me with you to do XYZ do you? I'll go back to work' (he's self-employed so wasn't under any time limit). He promptly turned round and basically left me standing in the middle of a shopping area.
I still haven't got to the bottom of this, but my only conclusion is that there must be someone who could potentially be in the area and that he does not want to bump into them whilst with me.
This is the only logical conclusion.

All of this💯

In another life, I ended up spending time and becoming friendly with a woman my ex had been working with (much much older, recently remarried woman, not ex's target market). After a while, she said; she had to tell me, she was very surprised by me; I wasn't at all what she expected or how she imagined I would be from what my ex was saying about me/talking about our marriage Shame she wouldn't say more.
caveat emptor

Any public toilets in the vicinity of the place where you were walking?

He’s not going to tell you the truth. Private investigator is the way to go, get your evidence and then confront him.

Agree with this.
I think he's secretly gay.
These men have ' beards' for years often choosing attractive/glamorous/feminine women.
Is he waiting for a parent to die before coming out?
Is he hoping to do a Schofield where everyone ends up applauding him?

In my experience that is highly suspicious behaviour. No explanantion, the crying , the hug. All red flags.

Like others on here I would like to know what happened after the non explanantion, the crying and the hug? Did you just leave it there? Why? You didn't persue an answer? Surely that's how it would go 99.9% of the time with a scenario like that.

I know someone who turns on the waterworks whenever he gets caught out or put in an uncomfortable position. Knowing his parents and the dynamic in the family I can well imagine that it got him out of trouble as a child and continued into adulthood. It's a tactic.

@knittingaddict 'Did you just leave it there? Why? You didn't persue an answer? Surely that's how it would go 99.9% of the time with a scenario like that.'

I don't know if this is the OP's DH is like this, but some men just will. not. talk. It's like pulling teeth and 4 out of 5 teeth are rotten lies. They leave the room, need to work, need to sleep, change the subject, try to turn your attention to some minor emergency. It's maddening.
Nearly impossible to spot until something goes wrong in the relationship.
They can talk and communicate about anything else just like normal people though, as long as they come out looking great.

I would get a tile or a similar device and put in his car, phone case or wallet to track where he is going. From what you told us he is been very secretive and is possibly up to something.
I would also have a look at his business bank accounts and see what money is coming and out. I would also set up a new email address and a fake FB profile to go with it. This will enable you to see his FB friends and what he is putting up their as long as he has not used the various settings of who can see and add to his posts.
A fake Facebook profile helped a friend of mine a few years ago to confirm that her boyfriend had another woman on the go.

I would even consider getting a pi and let them follow him and do some digging. You need to find out what is going on. Some people can keep things hidden and be secretive for years but next thing something happens and it all comes out.

A man I know got involved with a lady a few years ago not in the UK. She had a number of red flags that he chose to ignore. Instead he thought it would be a great idea for them to live together and later to have a baby together.

As time has gone by he realised that she only got involved with him because of what he had to offer financially. They are not married.

He sold his house in X and moved to y with no mortgage. She had no money to put towards buying this house.
As a result the house deeds are in his name only.
He has made a will that if he dies before his child is 18 his house, his pension, savings and life insurance will be put in a trust. His solicitor and trustee's will decide what funds can be taken from that trust until the child is 18. After that the child will inherit the house and funds left.
The childs mother is not aware that he has done this and expects all this to be hers in time.
She earns far less than him and won't be given money from the trust unless the trustee's and solicitor decide it's a valid request.
I know she won't be happy hearing the news.

You don't want to find out at a later date that he has a girlfriend/boyfriend or a secret child or children. You don't want to find out he has a serious gambling problem or a lot of debit secured on your home. You tried asking him and you got that reaction. That tells me he is hiding something and it time to see what now.

Why are you accommodating his bs, the tears were a cynical attempt to manipulate you by distraction. Organise something very public and let him know in no uncertain terms that you’re not buying his BS anymore.

He is definitely using dating apps, ,meeting ppl , and/or sleeping around claiming that he is single. Believe me on this.

It's not always as easy as that.

I kept on asking, demanding - at home, in a cafe, in a pub. He either told me I was imagining things or accused me of cheating and that was why I kept asking him.

My ex could lie that black is white without even a flicker.

When I found a receipt for something that was near her work he even blamed my eldest son.

It hasn't taken a fizz out of him that he's lost his partner of 33 years (wife of 26), his three kids, any respect anyone ever had for him. He's moved on totally as if we never existed.

Some people are just psychopathic.

Me again! Lots of great advice about how to investigate him. Catch him out etc. I did all of this over a 2 year period before a chance meeting led me to his other fiancé and the cat was firmly out of the bag.

I truly wished I had trusted my gut. My gut told me he was up to something. He couldn’t explain odd things. Instead of playing detective for 2 years which I actually think gave him a bit of a thrill. I should have walked away. I wasted 2 years being unhappy and stressed out trying to figure out what was going on.

What was going on was he was a cheating lying bastard living a double life and shagging some other woman and getting engaged (I’m guessing to keep her placated) telling her a pile of shite about me. That I was mentally unwell, suicidal. He was really concerned what I might do to myself if he left me etc etc. he had to tread carefully as he was so concerned about me and I was dangerous.

He had been in a relationship with this woman, all conducted daytime when I thought he was at work-self employed. They had never spent a night together.

Imagine her surprise when I rocked up. A picture of health. Not dangerous. Not mentally unwell.

Don't waste any more time. Your gut is telling you he is lying to you. And not just once. His behaviour is weird. He cannot explain it. Instead he bursts into tears. Save the tears tell me the truth or leave. A nice simple choice.

When I found out about my ex’s other woman he did the oh I’m having a midlife crisis. She is mentally unstable. I’ve tried to break it off but she has threatened suicide. Help me. It’s you I love. Bullshit.

Honestly when I look back I can hardly believe the shite he was spinning both of us. I cut him out of my life. It was like a switch for me. After a crazy two years of playing detective. No more. Quite a relief actually. Best thing I ever did. I’ve moved on. Married. None of the crazy anxiety I had about where was he. Things not adding up. Me trying to get to the bottom of it. Don’t do what I did. 2 years being lied to.

Best of luck OP x

I would also be very suspicious…

The people he spoke to in town who ignored you… that’s extra weird.

Book a family dinner in town and say it’s non-negotiable. When he squirms ask him outright what the problem is.

Maybe consider your finances first to make sure you aren’t going to get shafted if it comes out that he has another life…

If you haven’t walked across your hometown with your dh in 10 years, it honestly sounds like you have been burying your head in the sand. Are you sure you want to know op?

It doesn’t sound like it if you didn’t even question him for more when he started crying.

{You need to regularly patrol the town with your DH: do this regularly to check for threats and for all the town's bitches to know he's yours. Go around town with him at heel, showcase his skills; sit, fetch, etc. and test his recall. If you don't do this you have only yourself to blame if your marriage goes wrong.}
Sorry OP I just couldn't resist. I can't see how going into town with your DH = no lies, no cheating.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

It's very strange.

Self-employed: does he have a workspace separate from your home? I'd hire someone to follow him.

Sorry if I've missed this, but how long has it been since your DH first started avoiding the local town centre with you?

Can you clarify why his turning on his heel and basically ditching you didn't escalate into a massive showdown (either then and there / or at home later)
I mean this is massively odd behaviour and would require some sort of explanation, no?

And also how he got away with the tears and the 'I can't believe you thought that' but without actually telling you the real reason...

Are you avoiding conflict by not asking him straight questions?

I'd be like a dog with a bone if I thought my DH was hiding something - if I really wanted to know the truth that is!

A friend in a similar situation hired a P.I. For them it was money well spent, they got a result and peace of mind.

I couldn't put a date on it but it must be about ten years. I'm basing that on me getting a new job around ten years ago which took me out of the area so I would never have had opportunity to be in my hometown. He still worked in the area. I did change jobs after that and actually worked in the town centre for a while but by that time I suppose it never occurred to me that he and I could meet up for lunch.
I dunno. I know it sounds odd but when you're not suspicious about anything these things don't really occur. Well not to me anyway.
It was kind of a trickle effect where I started thinking that's odd, that we're never together in my home town.
That's why I engineered the visit with him coming with me. To see if he would actually come with me and to see how relaxed he would be. He tried to resist saying I didn't need him to come with me. I said oh come on, it will be nice. He had to come then but it was less than ten minutes before he decided he had had enough.
As to when he left abruptly it was literally like, we're walking side by side, quite quickly, he seemed edgy, I said something let's go into that shop, he stops, states that he didn't think I really needed him with me to do that, and high tails it. Think how David Cameron acted when he would finish an interview with a journalist. Google it. That was him!
I was literally left standing there. He didn't look back.

As for why I didn't press him on his tears - I was shocked.
I actually took it to mean that he felt sad for me that I had been thinking that there was something about me that I felt was shaming.
Because him bursting into tears is extremely out of character, I didn't know what to do. He hugged me and I didn't think to pursue it.
He did say something at the time about there not being anywhere decent to go.
That's not true in my opinion but maybe it's true for him.

I still don’t really understand your reactions here, if I’m honest. However, it’s all past and there’s no point dwelling on it. What is clear, though, is that before you go hiring private investigators and/or any of the other somewhat mad things that have been suggested on here, you need to talk to your husband.

Hugs and tears notwithstanding, demand explanations and do not end the conversation until you’ve received them.

As it sounds you are in shock and unable to think clearly, and you also need concrete evidence in your shoes I would hire a PI.
You sound strangely detached.

Evidence for me that he is hiding a MASSIVE secret:

1. The avoiding an area when with you, but often goes there without you.
2. The fact you don't know anything about his work schedule.
3. The crying (I can't believe you dropped the conversation at this point, if you had asked him you probably would know the truth by now instead of asking Mumsnet).
4. The not introducing you to his colleagues/friends when you bump into them (I've had similar and within the hour the guy I was seeing told me he was also shagging other women - in my case it was ok because I was on the verge of finishing it with him because I was bored of him/the relationship anyway).
5. The fact you are in a long term 'happy' marriage but you are too scared to ask him what the f is going on.

The people he spoke to in town who ignored you… that’s extra weird.
I'm now wondering if he's previously introduced the OW to them as his wife; and they thought you were the OW, and gave you the cold shoulder.

I came to that conclusion too and then discounted it as it's too mad and it's so open to failing as a lie. Because there are people that live locally that do know us as husband and wife. So unless he's keeping groups of people entirely separate (and he can't control who speaks to who) then surely that would come out eventually.
Someone would surely say oh that's not his wife?!

Several years ago now we attended an event where there was another couple and I assumed it was the guy's wife. I was talking to her as if she was the wife and she was responding to me as such.
It only came out much later that this guy actually took his employee on these events. It was DH who told me this later when he found out from someone 'in the know' (a man) and he hadn't known at the time so he had also assumed they were husband and wife.
I think that is an evil thing to do, especially to parade as husband and wife, in front of people who may well know the truth. She was actually really friendly and I liked her. I felt duped.
So, it is possible, but I can't see DH ever doing that to me, nor why would he, he would have no reason to.