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Original poster

Also had the feeling of being kept hidden

152 replies

wishingwaslucky · 02/11/2022 10:56

I read on here recently a thread about a woman whose DH wasn't inviting her to social events and that she felt she was being kept hidden.
I wanted to summarise my own situation in case it helps at all.
Some while ago now I posted a similar question to this forum. With my DH he seemed to be avoiding being seen with me, but only in my home town. He was quite happy for us to be out together, at pubs and restaurants and outdoor activities, but only in other parts of the country/abroad.
At the time MN came up with various suggestions as to why this might be happening.
I worked methodically through each one and discounted them. For example.
I hadn't changed my appearance or put on weight, so could rule out him being ashamed of me.
He hadn't developed depression, or agoraphobia or similar because we still went together to shopping centres in neighbouring counties, pubs and restaurants further afield and on holiday overseas.
It wasn't that he was bored with the home town because it is one of the more beautiful in the UK, with plenty to do and see.
Having eliminated options, I engineered a situation where he had no choice really but to walk with me through the main shopping area of my home town during the day. It felt crazy that we hadn't really done that for probably about ten years.
He seemed edgy, walked quickly, got to a certain point, then exclaimed 'you don't really need me with you to do XYZ do you? I'll go back to work' (he's self-employed so wasn't under any time limit). He promptly turned round and basically left me standing in the middle of a shopping area.
I still haven't got to the bottom of this, but my only conclusion is that there must be someone who could potentially be in the area and that he does not want to bump into them whilst with me.
This is the only logical conclusion.

OP posts:
Threadkillacilla · 04/11/2022 10:59

Can you get access to his phone? It does sound fishy and his reaction seems to say he's expecting to be caught soon.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 04/11/2022 11:01

He has a secret dc imo. One that could be hanging around that area...

Definitelycross · 04/11/2022 11:03

Threadkillacilla · 04/11/2022 10:59

Can you get access to his phone? It does sound fishy and his reaction seems to say he's expecting to be caught soon.

Absolutely do this.

Mine wouldn't let me near his. We would have stand up rows about it and how awful I was for not trusting him. Meanwhile he has full access to mine, as did the kids - I had nothing to hide.

I really hope you get to the bottom of this soon. It can be absolutely soul destroying when something just doesn't seem right.

Original poster
wishingwaslucky · 04/11/2022 11:08

thank you for sharing @Definitelycross and sorry.

I had been thinking about three odd occasion where he bumped into people he knew (I didn't know them) and he didn't introduce me. Firstly, it was a guy who he used to know through his work. The had a fairly long conversation while I stood there. I just put it down to DH being not very aware, I couldn't get a word in to introduce myself. What was odd was that the other guy made zero eye contact with me. Like I was invisible.
When I asked DH about this immediately after he said the guy didn't have very good social skills.
The other time it was with a couple. Again, not introduced. The guy made zero eye contact with me as he and DH chatted. The woman responded curtly to a question I asked her, then moved away to sit down on a bench and left me standing there!
The third time, it was a woman, who did make eye contact with me and smiled, but she looked me up and down, almost 'raised eyebrow' surprised. Something DH said to her in their convo should have indicated to her that DH and I lived together. DH afterwards said that he couldn't remember her name.

Your story @Definitelycross has made me view these in a different light. I'm wondering if they thought I was not the wife.

OP posts:
rockingbird · 04/11/2022 11:12

Could it be someone who's working in a shop in town he's not wanting to bump into? Maybe try mentioning some shops you'd like to visit in that location and see if you can gauge from his reaction.

bjrce · 04/11/2022 11:13

OP

The one thing that stood out to me was the fact that he burst out crying when you challenged him is absolutely bizarre behaviour.

He is definitely hiding something! Its almost as if you are questioning yourself but when you brought him into the shopping centre it confirmed your suspicions.

I think he burst out crying with sheer disbelief that he was exposed and that was trying to distract you in further questioning him. Its a known tactic.

The fact that you don't know where he is day to day is strange - he is definitely doing something that he doesn't want you to know about.

If you can't get into his phone - is there a possibility you could put a tracking device on his car?

Bumzoo · 04/11/2022 11:15

He started crying? He's a cheater.

Definitelycross · 04/11/2022 11:17

wishingwaslucky · 04/11/2022 11:08

thank you for sharing @Definitelycross and sorry.

I had been thinking about three odd occasion where he bumped into people he knew (I didn't know them) and he didn't introduce me. Firstly, it was a guy who he used to know through his work. The had a fairly long conversation while I stood there. I just put it down to DH being not very aware, I couldn't get a word in to introduce myself. What was odd was that the other guy made zero eye contact with me. Like I was invisible.
When I asked DH about this immediately after he said the guy didn't have very good social skills.
The other time it was with a couple. Again, not introduced. The guy made zero eye contact with me as he and DH chatted. The woman responded curtly to a question I asked her, then moved away to sit down on a bench and left me standing there!
The third time, it was a woman, who did make eye contact with me and smiled, but she looked me up and down, almost 'raised eyebrow' surprised. Something DH said to her in their convo should have indicated to her that DH and I lived together. DH afterwards said that he couldn't remember her name.

Your story @Definitelycross has made me view these in a different light. I'm wondering if they thought I was not the wife.

Oh I had those things too. I'm so sorry.

We used to go to a coffee shop sometimes on a Sunday and we would bump into an ex-colleague of his.

Him and his wife never spoke to me ever.

I since realised that he'd told other people all sorts of things about me - I'd abandoned him and our children, I'd moved to a different country etc so I think anyone who did know who I was was obviously not impressed with what they thought was my behaviour.

He'd then tell me that the colleague was a dick and he didn't want to put me through having to talk to him.

I know this all seems unbelievable but sadly it is all true plus a whole lot more.

As I keep saying I hope I'm not right but please listen to your gut. I wish I had sooner.

Definitelycross · 04/11/2022 11:18

bjrce · 04/11/2022 11:13

OP

The one thing that stood out to me was the fact that he burst out crying when you challenged him is absolutely bizarre behaviour.

He is definitely hiding something! Its almost as if you are questioning yourself but when you brought him into the shopping centre it confirmed your suspicions.

I think he burst out crying with sheer disbelief that he was exposed and that was trying to distract you in further questioning him. Its a known tactic.

The fact that you don't know where he is day to day is strange - he is definitely doing something that he doesn't want you to know about.

If you can't get into his phone - is there a possibility you could put a tracking device on his car?

Yep. I agree totally.

NoTimeforManiacs · 04/11/2022 11:18

@wishingwaslucky Exactly.

“Is that what you thought?” = Wishing knows that there’s something up with me. Wonder if she’s guessed what it is?

My bet would be she works in town, somewhere within a two minute radius of wherever you were when he tried to push off the last time.

itsnotdeep · 04/11/2022 11:22

OP the simplest answer is usually right. He's having an affair.

BankseyVest · 04/11/2022 11:22

Is he in social media, are you?

Start tagging him in photos and see how he reacts?

Original poster
wishingwaslucky · 04/11/2022 11:27

BankseyVest · 04/11/2022 11:22

Is he in social media, are you?

Start tagging him in photos and see how he reacts?

I can't do this as not on SM due to my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingwaslucky · 04/11/2022 11:28

I actually don't think he would make up lies about me to slag me off to people purely because our DC would disown him if he did that to me.

OP posts:
itsnotdeep · 04/11/2022 11:28

You could start posting prolifically on different social media platforms about your life and him and see how he reacts.

You know lots of lovely pictures of you eating brunch together or having a morning coffee or going for a run or similar.

blisstwins · 04/11/2022 11:28

Can you hide an AirTag somewhere?

itsnotdeep · 04/11/2022 11:29

oops sorry didn't see that latest post

BankseyVest · 04/11/2022 11:31

I think the only thing you can do is force the issue

'Right, dh we're going shopping in the middle of town today and having lunch in X pub. You've been refusing to be seen with me and I want to know why it makes you so uncomfortable, so we are going out and you can explain to me what the issue is over lunch'

If he refuses then I'd seriously consider the relationship.

SandAndSea · 04/11/2022 11:32

You could open SM accounts in another name.

You could also put a phone in his car and track that.

Original poster
wishingwaslucky · 04/11/2022 11:33

BankseyVest · 04/11/2022 11:31

I think the only thing you can do is force the issue

'Right, dh we're going shopping in the middle of town today and having lunch in X pub. You've been refusing to be seen with me and I want to know why it makes you so uncomfortable, so we are going out and you can explain to me what the issue is over lunch'

If he refuses then I'd seriously consider the relationship.

I think you're right. That's my only option.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingwaslucky · 04/11/2022 11:40

A few years ago the idea of me investigating my own husband would has sounded crazy, paranoid, wouldn't have even been a thought.

OP posts:
Definitelycross · 04/11/2022 11:41

Mine had no SM and now he's in her profile picture.

My children have totally disowned him.

I had to go into where she worked when I still was suspicious - he tried to persuade me it wasn't worth doing. No mention of her. I went and she called in sick.

By the way I only got to the truth by lurking on here and I realised he was following 'the script'

rainbowstardrops · 04/11/2022 12:16

My first thought that there's someone who works in the shopping centre that he doesn't want you to see/them to see you.

Whether that's a person who he's having an affair with, a hidden child, someone he's crossed, who knows but there's someone!

RishisProudMum · 04/11/2022 12:20

wishingwaslucky · 04/11/2022 10:16

This is the thing. No he doesn't. I don't know what he gets up to during the day when he's supposed to be working though.
When I spoke to him about his reluctance to be seen with me, I asked him if it was something about me that he didn't want to be seen with me. His response was 'was that what you thought?', he seemed very shocked at this, and then he immediately started crying, he said 'no, no', then hugged me.
I didn't know what to think at that point.

Show quote history

And then what? You just left it? Why?

‘Yes, that’s what I thought. I’ve thought it for some time. If that’s not what’s going on, then please tell me what is.’

RishisProudMum · 04/11/2022 12:23

wishingwaslucky · 04/11/2022 11:08

thank you for sharing @Definitelycross and sorry.

I had been thinking about three odd occasion where he bumped into people he knew (I didn't know them) and he didn't introduce me. Firstly, it was a guy who he used to know through his work. The had a fairly long conversation while I stood there. I just put it down to DH being not very aware, I couldn't get a word in to introduce myself. What was odd was that the other guy made zero eye contact with me. Like I was invisible.
When I asked DH about this immediately after he said the guy didn't have very good social skills.
The other time it was with a couple. Again, not introduced. The guy made zero eye contact with me as he and DH chatted. The woman responded curtly to a question I asked her, then moved away to sit down on a bench and left me standing there!
The third time, it was a woman, who did make eye contact with me and smiled, but she looked me up and down, almost 'raised eyebrow' surprised. Something DH said to her in their convo should have indicated to her that DH and I lived together. DH afterwards said that he couldn't remember her name.

Your story @Definitelycross has made me view these in a different light. I'm wondering if they thought I was not the wife.

This is going to sound weird, but have you ever had reason to suspect your husband might be gay?