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Original poster

Few dates in - are my expectations too high?

146 replies

Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 22:59

I’ve been chatting to a guy who I met on Hinge. We’ve been on three dates over 8 weeks as he travels a lot for work and I have been busy. He has said he has time for dating but he can struggle due to long hours and travelling and can be challenging. I thought this would be ok as I work very long hours too and was just open to getting to know him. One date a week is fine, maybe a bit longer.

But there was three weeks between dates 2+3 and I did explain that was too long and queried whether he actually had time. He said yes, and he was keen to get to know me better.

Our last date was on the weekend and it was smoking hot. The chemistry was off the roof, which rarely happens for me. I really liked him. And I knew he liked me too. I won’t go into all the details but he went to great lengths and even drove me an hour home at the end of it all despite the fact that he didn’t have to at all. He said he really enjoyed the evening and messaged the next day to say the same. He hasn’t asked me out since although we messaged once every day during the week and I asked him via text if he had any trips coming up and he said yes he was working abroad from next week and week after. I asked him if he wanted to catch up this weekend but he said he needed to help his elderly parents and then flying next day.

This is absolutely fine although I was disappointed as I had enjoyed our last date so much. And he knew he was going away and didn’t try to see me this week. What bothers me is that he didn’t say ‘let’s catch up when I’m back.’ Or ‘sorry I would have liked to have seen you.’ Nothing like that. I just wished him good travels. That’s it 🤷‍♀️

I’ve taken this as the end, I feel rejected, but I don’t know if I’m over reacting or expecting too much after three dates. I know his work is crazy, but even still, this is more about communication than anything else.

I don’t feel like he’s very into me as he doesn’t message much between dates but on the date it was on fire.

any thoughts ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2022 23:00

Too much hard work. NEXT.

feindVicarInATutu · 29/10/2022 23:01

If it's hard work now - I can't see it getting any better

Justmuddlingalong · 29/10/2022 23:03

When you say he went to great lengths to drive you home, were you intimate with him?
I'd say he's either got what he was after
Or
Didn't get what he was after.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:04

Justmuddlingalong no we didn’t do anything
but he messaged next day to say what a lovely time he had and how much he enjoyed it

OP posts:
Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:05

I mean, not only did he say no to meeting this weekend, he didn’t even say let’s catch up when I’m back. In two weeks! It’s like he’s just letting it go, right? Not keeping up momentum. He could have said I’ll call you when I’m away or I’ll let you know when I’m back so we can arrange something. Anything to keep it going but he hasn’t.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 29/10/2022 23:06

Very strange. But yes disappointing and not really good enough. You’re quick to spot everything that’s happening though, we’ll done you. Lots of us would be hanging on and dragging out the misery.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:07

It’s so unbelievably confusing for me as the date was SO good. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2022 23:09

Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:07

It’s so unbelievably confusing for me as the date was SO good. 🤷‍♀️

To you. For him, he could have just been playing a role hoping to get a shag. Apart from that day, his actions say otherwise. Move on.

Justmuddlingalong · 29/10/2022 23:11

I'd be fed up being on the back foot, waiting on him to make contact, plans and the next move. I'd ignore and if he does eventually get in touch, say it's not working for you. Keep it light because it sounds like he has your address, but having to chase someone isn't worth your time.

Eslteacher06 · 29/10/2022 23:11

He likes you, but you are not a priority. He's just not that into you.

So either get used to being treated second best or keep some self esteem and move on.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:12

Aquamarine1029 He felt the same - he said so. And he messaged next day to say he enjoyed it etc. It felt very real, I can usually see straight through men and their intentions. Maybe I got it wrong.

But if he were just after a shag, he was close, would’nt he still be trying? I think he will get back in touch when he returns but with what I sense as his lack of interest now has killed it for me and I won’t see him again.

i am just trying to make sense of it all and wondering if I’m expecting too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:15

What bugs me is he hasn’t said let’s meet when I’m back or anything. That most of all. I get his busy schedule, I know his line of work etc that I’m forgiving of. But it’s just how he isn’t showing a desire to meet again…he’s not interested right ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2022 23:16

He felt the same - he said so. And he messaged next day to say he enjoyed it etc.

Words and texts are easy. His actions aren't backing those up. I really wouldn't be expending this much emotional energy trying to figure this out. It just doesn't matter. Move on.

Justmuddlingalong · 29/10/2022 23:18

He said all the right lines, was close to getting a shag. Maybe that's his MO and it usually works. Maybe as it didn't with you he's decided he'll move on to his next date. I wouldn't take it personally or overthink it if you've already decided you wouldn't see him again anyway.

JennyJungle · 29/10/2022 23:19

He likes you but he’s just not that into you enough I expect.

Rooster25 · 29/10/2022 23:20

I’m going through similar where the person I like actions and words are polar opposite. Know your worth and move on x

Eslteacher06 · 29/10/2022 23:21

He's keeping you on the hook and clearly doesn't like you as much as you like him cause he'd move mountains to dee you if he really wanted to.

You deserve better

ZaphodDent · 29/10/2022 23:22

When he gets back he'll be in contact again and will be hoping to pick up from where he left off so you'll need to stick to your guns.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:22

When I say close, we didn’t even kiss. It was the chemistry from laughter and a great night. I felt like kissing him but he made no move. We held hands etc. it didn’t feel like he was after a shag.

OP posts:
Medoca · 29/10/2022 23:23

Did you ask him if he wants to meet up when he’s back? If so, what did he say, did he brush you off? Sounds like you both had a nice time, but you’ve different expectations. If expectations are not aligned now, and now is probably when you’re both feeling the chemistry the most, then I’d probably not bother. You’re both busy, but if you really wanted to meet each other you’d make time.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:25

Medoca when I found out he was working abroad next week, I asked if he had time this weekend to catch up, he said he was busy with elderly parents and flying on Sunday. That’s fine. I didn’t want to ask about when he returns - I felt that was chasing too much and he should have said something. That he didn’t felt like a rejection / blow to me.

OP posts:
TerrifyingGhostTrain · 29/10/2022 23:25

It’s not that he’s not into you OP, he just sounds like a player.

I know it’s easy for me to type but I think you should make yourself unavailable to him, there are better guys out there who won’t cause you to start a thread questioning yourself. Good luck.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 29/10/2022 23:25

If a man likes you, you’ll know. If he wants you he won’t let you go and give someone else the chance to get in there instead.

It’s been a lesson that’s taken me way too long to learn and I’m still struggling with a situation much like yours at the moment, but I just keep reminding myself that if someone really wants something they will make sure they get it. It’s just how we are wired.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:28

SteveHarringtonsChestHair that’s true and I’ve always adopted that approach. But I have an intense job, so does he, and there was a time I couldn’t meet him for 2 weeks. I literally didn’t have 30 mins free. So I get that. Life can get in the way. That’s why a busy guy actually appealed to me. But it’s more the lack of contact about when he returns and wanting to see me. It feels like this is it - we won’t be seeing each other again.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 23:28

Why are you worried about him meeting your expectations? Get on with your life - you've got plenty going on, right? If he wants to see you, he can ask. And you'll see if you've got time.

Or 'What is he thinking?', 'Has he rejected me?', 'Am I asking too much of him?'

Who do you want to be?