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Original poster

Few dates in - are my expectations too high?

146 replies

Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 22:59

I’ve been chatting to a guy who I met on Hinge. We’ve been on three dates over 8 weeks as he travels a lot for work and I have been busy. He has said he has time for dating but he can struggle due to long hours and travelling and can be challenging. I thought this would be ok as I work very long hours too and was just open to getting to know him. One date a week is fine, maybe a bit longer.

But there was three weeks between dates 2+3 and I did explain that was too long and queried whether he actually had time. He said yes, and he was keen to get to know me better.

Our last date was on the weekend and it was smoking hot. The chemistry was off the roof, which rarely happens for me. I really liked him. And I knew he liked me too. I won’t go into all the details but he went to great lengths and even drove me an hour home at the end of it all despite the fact that he didn’t have to at all. He said he really enjoyed the evening and messaged the next day to say the same. He hasn’t asked me out since although we messaged once every day during the week and I asked him via text if he had any trips coming up and he said yes he was working abroad from next week and week after. I asked him if he wanted to catch up this weekend but he said he needed to help his elderly parents and then flying next day.

This is absolutely fine although I was disappointed as I had enjoyed our last date so much. And he knew he was going away and didn’t try to see me this week. What bothers me is that he didn’t say ‘let’s catch up when I’m back.’ Or ‘sorry I would have liked to have seen you.’ Nothing like that. I just wished him good travels. That’s it 🤷‍♀️

I’ve taken this as the end, I feel rejected, but I don’t know if I’m over reacting or expecting too much after three dates. I know his work is crazy, but even still, this is more about communication than anything else.

I don’t feel like he’s very into me as he doesn’t message much between dates but on the date it was on fire.

any thoughts ?

OP posts:
Arghh1234 · 29/10/2022 23:57

Guaranteed he is seeing multiple women. Prob not even travelling, more likely got dates every night.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 29/10/2022 23:59

Arghh1234 he’s def travelling as it’s a public role and I see picture and updates he sends etc
and he could well be seeing lots of women
which is fine as we haven’t agreed exclusivity- it’s only been a few dates

OP posts:
Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:00

Justmuddlingalong yes maybe I am, I can accept that. It’s been years since I met someone to feel that chemistry with and it’s gone to my head.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 00:00

Actions speak louder than words. Don't listen to his words. Pay attention to what he does and how he makes you feel.

Watchkeys · 30/10/2022 00:01

maybe I am being needy

You are the level of 'needy' that 100% fits you. A compatible partner will meet this. A non-compatible partner will have you questioning this. There's no right or wrong - pick someone who meets your needs. He's not. If he was, you wouldn't be posting here.

Watchkeys · 30/10/2022 00:02

Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:00

Justmuddlingalong yes maybe I am, I can accept that. It’s been years since I met someone to feel that chemistry with and it’s gone to my head.

So meet more.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:02

Watchkeys trust me I’ve met many 😂

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/10/2022 00:04

Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:02

Watchkeys trust me I’ve met many 😂

And so now it's time to settle for someone you feel 'needy' with?

It doesn't matter if you've met 10, 100, or 1000. This guy isn't making you feel good.

junipermarten · 30/10/2022 00:08

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

Whether he's a player or this is how he rolls he is not going to give you what you need. You've had 3 dates in 8 weeks, chemistry is off the hook but not even a kiss? Or him being desperate to arrange another date? It sounds like a head fuck tbh.

He may be into you, he may not, but he is not what you want him to be so throw him back before you get too invested.

Medoca · 30/10/2022 00:12

junipermarten · 30/10/2022 00:08

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

Whether he's a player or this is how he rolls he is not going to give you what you need. You've had 3 dates in 8 weeks, chemistry is off the hook but not even a kiss? Or him being desperate to arrange another date? It sounds like a head fuck tbh.

He may be into you, he may not, but he is not what you want him to be so throw him back before you get too invested.

Yes agree. Think they both have a completely different idea of what chemistry means.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:13

Medoca 😂😂😂 I can’t bring myself to say anything anymore. I haven’t come here to be gaslight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:13

Good advice junipermarten

OP posts:
Medoca · 30/10/2022 00:22

Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:13

Good advice junipermarten

Yes I was agreeing with this person’s good advice! I didn’t realise it could be interpreted otherwise - so apologies!

NicLondon1 · 30/10/2022 00:31

I wonder why there was no kiss in all 3 dates..? Feels like that should happen on the 2nd date if not the 1st? He sounds interested in you but maybe more as a friend.
Is it possible that you were feeling the chemistry but he wasn't..?
Either way, like previous posters have said, he's not seemingly motivated enough, you deserve better

Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:34

NicLondon1 he was touching me a lot, and leant in, brushed my leg and arm frequently etc lots of gazing into each others eyes
he paid me lots of compliments eg my beautiful eyes
so the sexual attraction was def there
he suggested going back to his place for a bite to eat
but I was the one holding back
it takes me many dates to warm up and want to be affectionate - that’s just me 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:35

I am not making excuses - I agree I am disappointed we didn’t meet before he left and he hasn’t said anything about meeting when he returns

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/10/2022 00:37

So you turned down his suggestion to go back to his on a sexually charged date, and now you're disappointed that he's not so forthcoming relationship-wise?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2022 00:39

he was touching me a lot, and leant in, brushed my leg and arm frequently etc lots of gazing into each others eyes
he paid me lots of compliments eg my beautiful eyes so the sexual attraction was def there

I'm sorry, op, but none of that really means anything. It was all just words and lame flirting.

he suggested going back to his place for a bite to eat but I was the one holding back

Like I said, he wanted a shag. He didn't get it and he's moving on.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:39

Watchkeys no - I am keen to get to know him better. I don’t know if I want a relationship with him as it’s only been three dates. My thread is about him going away and no plane being made to see each other again.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/10/2022 00:42

Yes, OK. You didn't go back to his place and now you're disappointed that his interest seems to have dropped? You seem to be deliberately missing the point that he was after getting in your pants and, having tried, has now moved on.

Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:44

Aquamarine1029 that may be the case, I don’t know. But if it were, why did he messsge me the next day to say what a lovely time he had. And he messaged me every day since? That’s what’s confusing me.

I go from thinking he’s interested, of course he is, to thinking he isn’t as we don’t have firm plans to meet.

But maybe as others have said, he will continue to msg and he will arrange to meet when he’s back. Just not sure I like the uncertainty, it’s killed it for me and I don’t know if I’m expecting too much.

also if he just wanted a shag, I’m sure he would still try, not move on, given how close we got on the weekend. These kind of guys will continue to chase.

OP posts:
Original poster
Datinglifed · 30/10/2022 00:45

Watchkeys but that’s my question - has he moved on? Nothing has changed in terms of our frequency of messages or anything. He regularly travels for work. The only thing that has changed is how much more I like him after the third date.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/10/2022 00:52

So, you like him more now or less?

GarfieldsAunty · 30/10/2022 01:17

He sounds like a lot of guys... charming, and keeping his options open, and tbf it's only 3 dates and you're also allowed to do the same if you so wish, OP. This early on, and with such big gaps between meets, I'd suggest also dating other people. Don't make this guy your focus - he hasn't done anything to be put on such a pedestal, has he?

It's a persons actions that count. Yours, as much as his - so I wouldn't be holding out for this chap if I were you. No matter how busy a guy is, if he's keen, he will want to be meeting, and meeting soon! It sounds like he enjoyed his dates with you, but you may well not be the only one.

WokingOrNot · 30/10/2022 02:36

I think your gut feeling is right and he's planning to move on.
But even if he isn't that doesn't change much for you, does it? 3 dates in 8 weeks and you clearly want more, I would too. That's not enough to build a foundation for a relationship.
Maybe he just wanted sex . Maybe he doesn't have time to see you more often. Maybe he likes you but you're not a priority. The reason for his actions is not important, he makes you feel bad and rejected regardless. Try to forget about him and move on.
When I met my husband it was effortless. I hope that soon you will find someone who won't make you post here. Good luck!