Few dates in - are my expectations too high?

[Datinglifed]

I’ve been chatting to a guy who I met on Hinge. We’ve been on three dates over 8 weeks as he travels a lot for work and I have been busy. He has said he has time for dating but he can struggle due to long hours and travelling and can be challenging. I thought this would be ok as I work very long hours too and was just open to getting to know him. One date a week is fine, maybe a bit longer.

But there was three weeks between dates 2+3 and I did explain that was too long and queried whether he actually had time. He said yes, and he was keen to get to know me better.

Our last date was on the weekend and it was smoking hot. The chemistry was off the roof, which rarely happens for me. I really liked him. And I knew he liked me too. I won’t go into all the details but he went to great lengths and even drove me an hour home at the end of it all despite the fact that he didn’t have to at all. He said he really enjoyed the evening and messaged the next day to say the same. He hasn’t asked me out since although we messaged once every day during the week and I asked him via text if he had any trips coming up and he said yes he was working abroad from next week and week after. I asked him if he wanted to catch up this weekend but he said he needed to help his elderly parents and then flying next day.

This is absolutely fine although I was disappointed as I had enjoyed our last date so much. And he knew he was going away and didn’t try to see me this week. What bothers me is that he didn’t say ‘let’s catch up when I’m back.’ Or ‘sorry I would have liked to have seen you.’ Nothing like that. I just wished him good travels. That’s it 🤷‍♀️

I’ve taken this as the end, I feel rejected, but I don’t know if I’m over reacting or expecting too much after three dates. I know his work is crazy, but even still, this is more about communication than anything else.

I don’t feel like he’s very into me as he doesn’t message much between dates but on the date it was on fire.

any thoughts ?

daisychain01 I think Im impatient because I just don’t know what his intentions are and I liked him a lot after last date

I do know, which is why I posted, I may be getting ahead of myself but I also think as the date was so nice, and I asked if he had time to meet, he could have said sorry no, but let’s catch up when I’m back

just for that reassurance 🤷‍♀️

It’s just going to take more than this to get it off the ground.

I’d say he enjoys your company but isn’t interested enough to keep things moving.

I think you are just mismatched.

He wants something casual due to his work and you want to settle down and have a family.

I find dating so difficult as I’m just so busy and men say I would make the time if I wanted to see them, but it’s not that easy.

If things did work out and you got together and had a child.
Would you be ok seeing him so little still?

His work isn’t going to change so it’s going to be like this for the foreseeable, so are you ok meeting up so little, if not I think it’s time to find someone else instead.

CarefreeMe yeah I think he’s too consumed by work to make even dating at this early stage possible. i think he may end up leaving but I don’t have time to waste and hang around for that. He has always stressed he is looking to date seriously but then says his job makes it challenging.

CarefreeMe if he gets back in touch during or after his trip, I’ll let him know it was so lovely to spend time with him, but the job situation isn’t making things tenable

Forget about him. Jeez

I haven't read the full thread but honestly seeing someone once a week / every fortnight is hopeless. I've just ended a 8 month 'relationship' with someone like your man as they were completely emotionally and physically unavailable. It was just going nowhere and wasn't enough.

My advice - stop focusing on this guy, accept dates from lots of other people and if you feel 'crazy chemistry' for goodness sake give them a kiss! But continue to be mindful that some guys only want one thing.

I’m kind of confused, you ask if you are expecting too much one minute and the next post you are saying you didn’t have thirty minutes to spare in two weeks. I wouldn’t waste my time on somebody who can’t spare me thirty minutes in two weeks either. Three dates in eight weeks, there is nothing here, neither of you seem very interested, I wouldn’t have any expectations about this at all, it is pointless.

Brainstorm22 yes it’s not going to work, I thought it would be ok in the getting to know you stages, and while my work will improve, his won’t. If we had been together a long time, I could maybe handle not having him around as much, but it’s impossible to get something off the ground to begin with

Why’s the onus on him to initiate? He might be analysing the situation in the same way you are, “she seems keen but isn’t asking to arrange a date after I’m back from work trip” …

I don’t think he is that into you. The experience is no different when dating someone busy or not busy but stringing you along. Doesn’t mean that you both didn’t have a great date - I believe that from what your saying. The test of how much he likes you, or any growing emotional connection, is when your not together. When your together, the chemistry could be lust and fits in my mind with what you describe. I can be very busy and have a demanding job etc. if I was dating, I’m not but if I were, I know there is time to message little sentiments so the person knows that I’m thinking of them and to give a sense of my growing feelings, to keep building the momentum and letting them know whilst apart I feel the same way, and intensifying the chemistry to the point I probably couldn’t wait to see them. Quick message whilst plane taxing, standing in airport queues, hotel check in que, in airport lounge. In taxis or commuting, whilst grabbing something to eat, in bed - if it means 2 mins less sleep surely it would be worth it. Not about being needy, it’s about communicating when schedules are demanding which if you can’t manage now then very little chance when you throw in settling down together, demanding jobs and the possibility of a family. I think he likes you but not to the degree that he is questioning are you the one, and curious to get to know you better on a different level. He may be in touch again when he is free one as he likes your company and knows there is some ‘pent’ up chemistry.

@Datinglifed "he’s older and has been single for years despite wanting to find someone and get married, so my initial thought was he doesn’t want a relationship, not really. But after learning about his job and industry (which has been discussed on mumsnet before, about these men not having time for families ) it’s clear that’s the main blocker"

You're sort of dating the male version of the old me, it seems. Married to the job, not letting anything get on the way of what needs to be accomplished, putting practical needs (work, parents etc) first, avoiding distractions (feelings).

I wouldn't worry too much about what he did or didn't say in his last message, I'd say 50/50 chance of him getting back in touch, probably more in favour considering your date went well.

What you've got to ask yourself is whether you could live with a relationship like that where you barely have time to see each other, considering both are busy. People like that tend to succeed with someone who's not that busy, who can be at their beck and call when they're back from abroad, who put their career on hold when things get more serious, who can help them offload stress. Sounds harsh but true. I'd love to be able to do what my male colleagues do and take partner/kids with them on a 2-week long work trip to a nice destination. Sadly if said partner has a big job themselves, that's really hard to make happen.

If your emotional and physical needs are already suffering at this stage, really think about what the coming years would look like and how you would be affected long-term.

Hi OP I can understand why this would feel disappointing, you had a red hot date then this!

I’d suggest trying to put him on the back burner mentally, maybe go back to online dating etc and let him make the first move (or not) when he’s back, and then be very cautious.

I would not necessarily kiss anyone within 3 dates either, no matter what chemistry and certainly not sleep with them. That’s just a personal preference. Everyone is different, but I don’t like the tone of some posts here where you’re (both you and your date)being criticised for not kissing or taking it further physically.

Look after yourself.

Thank you for your lovely message Flyinggeesei234

WhiteChocMocha It’s good to hear from someone with similar life experience. These are all really good points. I have to date seriously as I want to start a family in the next few years. My career can take a hold, but with this guy, I’ll be 70 by the time we’ve dated enough and get married! I think he’s just too busy, at a time critical stage where he has to deliver or he’ll be sacked, and I think that’s where his mind is. And it won’t change. I asked if he planned to retire early and he said I have no plan, like he’s not even thought about his life. He’s all over the place to be honest. I need to find someone else - busy, but not at this level.

Yes, this too... People are different. Not everyone is happy kissing someone who they've met that very day, or sleeping with someone they've met 3 times.

It takes people varying amounts of time to build trust. Honestly all the guys I've kissed on the first time of meeting them have turned out to be mostly after one thing, and while I found them physically attractive, I mostly just felt confused after kissing them, even though the kissing wasn't unpleasant 🙂Meanwhile the person who we had love-at-first-sight type of chemistry with had me on his sofa maybe 4 dates before he dared make a move, and actually asked before the kissing 😊Both men and women sometimes take it slow. Why do we tell each other 'they aren't interested' if someone doesn't follow 'the rules'.

@Datinglifed I know a fair few men like that. Some of them have girlfriends in a particular country that they see every few weeks, and they say that relationship suits both them and their partner. We talk about it openly and it's a bit like 'you get the positives of a relationship without the day-to-day negatives' (presuming housework, chores etc). It does suit some people, seemingly. However I'm getting to a point where the highlight of my business trip is evening phone call with my partner, and also feel like I've been a d* with partners previously, leaving them to deal with difficult situations on their own.

So, you know... What you're getting now likely mirrors what you'll get in the future until you decide to get more serious or move in together and possibly make sacrifices to be together. Some really wonderful people out there with this lifestyle definitely worth a second look, just think about your own needs and if you could handle this. You're posting on here already so sounds like you just need someone who can give you a bit more 🌺

WhiteChocMocha thanks for your post. I think I’d be more open to it, if he showed more interest about meeting up when he returns. You know? ‘Hey I’m away for a couple of weeks but would love to see you when I’m back.’ None of that. Just why he couldn’t see me this weekend. We chatted a bit and I wished him well on his trip.

Men sometimes do take a longer time to get going with arrangements at the beginning of a relationship, in my experience. I’m risking getting flamed on here, but you have to let them set the pace a bit at the start (unless they’re pushing to go too fast).

Again, posters will possibly pile in and say not to, but read The Rules or The Rules for Online Dating. It’s brilliant at making you take back a bit of control and not go too nuts second-guessing blokes at the start of relationships. Good luck!

So when all's said and done, there's been two months of basically nothing.
He can't even commit to arranging/or even be positive about seeing you when he gets back.
Sorry the parent thing is bullshit.
He's making you dangle.
He's a head-fuck, so what you do with those is fuck them off.

Why didn't YOU suggest getting together when he gets back? Maybe he thinks you're not that into him?

OP, glad to see you've seen its going nowhere. Ime chemistry is something dates can give on a one night or even several month basis with nothing substantial backing it up. As for why he messaged after and continues to, dont let it confuse you. I've had this before, it can play with your brain, the only information needed is how he acts upon it. A good book on situations like this is 'mr unavailable and the fallback girl'