Few dates in - are my expectations too high?

[Datinglifed]

I’ve been chatting to a guy who I met on Hinge. We’ve been on three dates over 8 weeks as he travels a lot for work and I have been busy. He has said he has time for dating but he can struggle due to long hours and travelling and can be challenging. I thought this would be ok as I work very long hours too and was just open to getting to know him. One date a week is fine, maybe a bit longer.

But there was three weeks between dates 2+3 and I did explain that was too long and queried whether he actually had time. He said yes, and he was keen to get to know me better.

Our last date was on the weekend and it was smoking hot. The chemistry was off the roof, which rarely happens for me. I really liked him. And I knew he liked me too. I won’t go into all the details but he went to great lengths and even drove me an hour home at the end of it all despite the fact that he didn’t have to at all. He said he really enjoyed the evening and messaged the next day to say the same. He hasn’t asked me out since although we messaged once every day during the week and I asked him via text if he had any trips coming up and he said yes he was working abroad from next week and week after. I asked him if he wanted to catch up this weekend but he said he needed to help his elderly parents and then flying next day.

This is absolutely fine although I was disappointed as I had enjoyed our last date so much. And he knew he was going away and didn’t try to see me this week. What bothers me is that he didn’t say ‘let’s catch up when I’m back.’ Or ‘sorry I would have liked to have seen you.’ Nothing like that. I just wished him good travels. That’s it 🤷‍♀️

I’ve taken this as the end, I feel rejected, but I don’t know if I’m over reacting or expecting too much after three dates. I know his work is crazy, but even still, this is more about communication than anything else.

I don’t feel like he’s very into me as he doesn’t message much between dates but on the date it was on fire.

any thoughts ?

Have you considered that he can't meet you that often because he is:

• married
• or seeing several people already.

I would personally be suspicious of the fact that he has so many excuses (travel, work, parents) as to why he can only see you every few weeks.

Also, of course a man will do all he can while he is on a date with you to charm you to get what he wants, it really is not always a sign that he really cares about you. He probably drove you home because he was hoping you would invite him in.

That may sound cynical but with online dating especially you have to be very careful and spot the red flags.

Even if he is genuine it just sounds like too much hard work and I would move on to someone else.

He's married. He'd have to get divorced first...

Artygirlghost I did go back to his in that we had walked in the door, so he could pick up his car keys. He quickly showed me around and then joked ‘see I’m not married.’ I don’t think he is. But he could he seeing others.

I won’t say what industry/ place he works but it is famous for seriously long hours, being fast paced, regular travel. I’ve called him when he said he’s been abroad and it’s always matched up - international dial tone etc. he sends pics and his work posts updates about travel. He’s also being pushed out of work, so on top of a demanding job, he has that stress. Not making excuses at all, he told me about this early on. I thought it would be ok but I didn’t realise the travel would be this frequent and I’d only be seeing him once every few weeks. I was fine before because I didn’t know him but I really started to like him.

Youre right it is hard work and no momentum can be built this way. He did say work will calm down soon, but I don’t think it will. It’s the nature of his industry.

Why didn’t you kiss if you wanted to? Seems like a lot of game playing and generally just hard work

Can't you just lay it out with him?

"Hi I get you're very busy as am I but I'd like to keep seeing you. Can we do xxxxx when you get back?"

flatterthanever because I didn’t feel ready. It’s not game playing.

hopeishere I just feel like I already asked him if he had time to meet before he goes away, he should make the next move. He hasn’t. So maybe he’s not interested?

v

Whether or not he means it, it sounds like his lifestyle isn’t going to match up.

I’d arrange to meet one more time with the view to really discuss these things and make your position clear. Is there a good compromise? Once a week or once every 2 weeks max? If not then it won’t work for you.

Trust me he's not that into you. I agree with other posters that he was either after a shag or you are a 'second option.'

Either way, it all sounds like ridiculously hard work if you're having to go weeks without going on another date.

It doesn't seem like you want to listen to the majority of posters who can give an objective opinion so what is it you want from posting?

You sound like two people who don’t have time, or the inclination to make time, for a relationship. You have the odd half hour every now and then and he’s never here. You’re as much a player as he is - doing the dance ffs 🙄. Move on.

You work 12-16 hour days, he doesn't live close, he works abroad from time to time, three dates in two months

Not sure how this would ever work

What job do you do! Your work/life balance must be non existent. Between working and sleeping you must have literally no spare time

BiscuitLover3678 that’s good advice, as open communication is important and avoids crossed wires. It’s something I would also suggest and I have raised it: As I already flagged three weeks between meeting last time, he knows. I guess there isn’t much he can do with his job - and I do get how exhausting it can be. There was a period when I had no time to see him, but it was temporary. For him it’s constant. It’s just not going to work.

You want someone you can have regular dates with - he can't
You want a relationship to move a certain pace - he doesnt
you want someone into you that will make a couple of hours spare - he doesn't

So you move on OP. Stop overthinking and trying to work out everything and read between the lines. It must be doing your head in. This is too hard.

And I wonder if you'd this into him if he was keener? I think him stringing you along like this had got you all wound up.

Find someone who will make time for you.

blippi123 for the past year I’ve had no life 😞 I work in a senior role in finance in the city. I am bring promoted soon so things should ease up. It’s not been good for my
Mental or physical health

Good point fruitbrewhaha it’s probably the uncertainty and being tired so I’m confused, trying to figure it out etc
but practically this isn’t going to work

Oh no no no. Never, I repeat, never be someone’s option.

Take him to the woods and leave him there

🗑

Remainiac I’m not a player 🤷‍♀️

I’m listening and engaging icelolly12 and trying to process it all. No need for a rude post.

He drive you home because he wanted you to invite him in. Because the chemistry was ‘off the scale’.

He has enough manners have said he enjoyed the date, and not look like a complete wolf, but he had already set up his non-committed extraction plan with his warnings of working away etc. And voilà! Suddenly he has elderly parents to tend to, too!

I wouldn’t be surprised if he is married.

he’s def travelling as it’s a public role and I see picture and updates he sends etc
and he could well be seeing lots of women
which is fine as we haven’t agreed exclusivity- it’s only been a few dates

If he's doing that , then he has plenty of time. Perhaps he's choosing not to spend his free time with you.
You are contradicting yourself.

He sounds flakey. Flowery with his wording but that's about it.

If a man is interested in you he will make the effort to see you. I did OLD for a while, met a few flakes and they never changed! If it's this much hard work early on it will never improve so you just need to swipe him away and keep
Looking. If he was that into you he would make it known. Basically you're being benched, he'll keep you hanging around just in case nothing better comes along.

Next!!

Also if you in your own words "haven't had a life" over the past year, then it is understandable that this nice date with some sexual chemistry feels off the scale to you as you have nothing to compare it to other than grinding away at work 12-16 hours a day.

For him he's travelling, possibly going on dates regularly and although may have had a great time with you, it's not the highlight of his entire year.

There isn't a default what's right and wrong, just what works for two people and what doesn't.

Personally I wouldn't put someone I've dated 3 times at the top of my priorities. Even if the chemistry is great, I've still got other commitments already and wouldn't just drop everything (like career and caring for elderly parents) for a new squeeze. I'm not a teenager...

Sounds like he has a full life already.
Up to you really OP - you either find the time together if he wants to take it slow, or if you've got lots of better options lined up sack it off and pursue one of the others better suited to what you deem as acceptable.