Few dates in - are my expectations too high?

[Datinglifed]

I’ve been chatting to a guy who I met on Hinge. We’ve been on three dates over 8 weeks as he travels a lot for work and I have been busy. He has said he has time for dating but he can struggle due to long hours and travelling and can be challenging. I thought this would be ok as I work very long hours too and was just open to getting to know him. One date a week is fine, maybe a bit longer.

But there was three weeks between dates 2+3 and I did explain that was too long and queried whether he actually had time. He said yes, and he was keen to get to know me better.

Our last date was on the weekend and it was smoking hot. The chemistry was off the roof, which rarely happens for me. I really liked him. And I knew he liked me too. I won’t go into all the details but he went to great lengths and even drove me an hour home at the end of it all despite the fact that he didn’t have to at all. He said he really enjoyed the evening and messaged the next day to say the same. He hasn’t asked me out since although we messaged once every day during the week and I asked him via text if he had any trips coming up and he said yes he was working abroad from next week and week after. I asked him if he wanted to catch up this weekend but he said he needed to help his elderly parents and then flying next day.

This is absolutely fine although I was disappointed as I had enjoyed our last date so much. And he knew he was going away and didn’t try to see me this week. What bothers me is that he didn’t say ‘let’s catch up when I’m back.’ Or ‘sorry I would have liked to have seen you.’ Nothing like that. I just wished him good travels. That’s it 🤷‍♀️

I’ve taken this as the end, I feel rejected, but I don’t know if I’m over reacting or expecting too much after three dates. I know his work is crazy, but even still, this is more about communication than anything else.

I don’t feel like he’s very into me as he doesn’t message much between dates but on the date it was on fire.

any thoughts ?

I came across so many men like this when I was OLD. They are single because they don't want to make sufficient room in their lives for a proper relationship. He might be happy with the sporadic nature of yours dates but if you're not, then move on.

Please go back on the app and start chatting to others. The memory of this one will soon pale. Blocking is difficult but it's the right thing to do. And no, you're not weak by blocking but it helps getting him out of your head. If you want something serious you have to let go of all distractions

You're focusing way too much on this guy. Who knows whats going on in his head. You feel a connection because you've been messaging so much. My advice is to pull back , limit the texting , date others and get busy with other things besides work. stop putting all your eggs in one basket

Aah you need to move on I’m afraid.

Know your worth and put this down to experience.

Take care of yourself

Sorry I'm struggling to understand the problem here. If it's simply that you want to see him more, and he will always be too busy then fine. You just need to make a decision about that.

But you seem to have all this complex analysis and worry around what he's feeling and why he does/ doesn't do and say x and y.

Men often don't do this kind of analysis. They just get on with their jobs and the good ones try to be basically decent blokes in how they interact with dates. They also compartmentalise more often, and aren't thinking long term as early in a relationship So when he's busy, I really doubt he's questioning exactly what you said to him, if it was enough, whether it means x of y. He's probably thought "great date .... now it's work time again'.

I think you either need to decide to chill. After all, this is three dates and you haven't even kissed. Date other people in parallel, or get on with other stuff and just see what happens whenever he gets in touch and if you want to go out again at that time, fine. Or just communicate. Tell him what's bothering you, how you interpret it, that you are switching off, and give him a chance to respond.

I will say, neither of you kissing each other, despite having chemistry and you wanting to, on a third date sounds to me like one or both of you may have an internal blocker either to sex generally or moving this forward. Could be anything from religion, through sexual dysfunction/ ED, to just some emotional doubt about taking the leap/ being intimate with each other specifically.

You had a good time ,but he was holding hands and not making a move to kiss you? Seems strange ,I hesitate to say this ,but he may be in a RL already.Long breaks between dates is a bit of a red flag TBH.If you are busy with your job then no need to sit about and maybe he may be in touch .However be careful,you dont want to be second fiddle!

Your expectations aren't too high. They're too low. Regardless of how busy someone's life is, if they want to see you they make it happen. They get a date in the diary. He hasn't fine that. 3 dates in 8 weeks is seriously dragging things out. By not addressing this, you're showing him that you're okay with being low on his priority list - and you'll likely end up staying there. He'll see you when he's bored / lonely - not just because he wants to. Personally I'd move on and date someone with more time, and who ours more effort in.

SnowyPetals I know what you mean

he’s older and has been single for years despite wanting to find someone and get married, so my initial thought was he doesn’t want a relationship, not really. But after learning about his job and industry (which has been discussed on mumsnet before, about these men not having time for families ) it’s clear that’s the main blocker

heartbroken40
romdowa you’re right it’s time to starting matching and talking to others

BraveGoldie I agree I’ve given myself a headache 😂 I think it’s confusion and tiredness and trying to make sense of it. But I’ve agreed to let it go now. It was definitely me holding back because it felt too soon for me. I like to get to know someone first. Also if I had started kissing, I think it would have led to bed as it was so charged.

@Datinglifed is he a pilot?

iammother good guess but no he’s not

dottiedodah he did lean in a few times and brushed my leg, arm etc I was holding back

BraveGoldie the problem for me is that I asked him if he had time to meet before he went away, he said no, we chatted some more, but no talk of meeting up again

As Albgo if he was interested, wouldn’t he have said something? As others have said though, isn’t it implicit? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

@Datinglifed you've already asked if he had time. Please don't sound desperate and ask again.

heartbroken40 no I won’t

Datinglifed Sorry I missed that .Maybe as you held back he may have thought you werent interested ? If he messages again ,maybe say to him that you really liked him ,but were holding back? TBH these do seem like mixed messages he was getting!

What I don't get is the 'on fire' chemistry, the hand holding, touching etc but still no kiss??? Are you grown adults or young teens cause it sounds very immature. It was date 3 not the first date, surely a kiss would have been appropriate if you both felt the chemistry?

I would say he was hoping for alot more than a hand hold, he could sense your resistance and now has bolted because he realises that shag is not coming anytime soon. Tbf I would think the same if after 8 long weeks and 3 dates we haven't even got to a kiss.

dottiedodah He messaged me the next day to say what a lovely time he had, he really enjoyed it - and I said the same. it’s clear we liked each other, I don’t think mixed messages were the problem. I just wanted to take it more slow otherwise I’d end up in bed with him and I wasn’t ready for that.

I am part of a walking group. Met a new friend who sounds as if she was a lot like you in her youth. We have chatted a lot over the last 6 months. We are exactly the same age (57) but our lives have panned out in totally different ways. She lived and worked in London. Her job was organising huge glamorous events for high powered people and corporations.She dated busy, international travel type people and an American football player who lived,obviously, thousands of miles away in America. I was a single mum of 2 for many years before I married again.I am now a granny. She wanted a husband and children but her job meant she was always hyper busy. She focused everything on her job and then would have a short block of time to fly out somewhere fabulous and have an intense, passionate love fest with the latest man. Nothing long term ever came out if it because neither party made the time to stand still and create something real and lasting. There was never a time where she prioritised the future she said she wanted. Op if you want a husband and children you need to change your work/ life balance and you need to date men who also have a life that is compatible with that. If you are both in some weird competition to see who can be the busiest, who can travel the most miles and be the highest up the ladder you will never achieve what you say you want. If you date men who are busy and tell them that they appeal to you because you are always busy, busy ,busy you'll always get what you are currently getting.

AngelinaFibres good points. My work will improve after my promotion. But his won’t.

I have two kids aged 18 and nearly 16 who live with me. I split from their dad about 8 years ago after he cheated, he is still with the woman he left us for, and my younger boy sees them every other weekend.
I met a new partner 18 months ago and see him every weekend either at my house or his depending on whether my son is home or with his dad.
My partner made a big effort with both my kids at the beginning but my eldest is quite shy and reserved and didn't really respond. My youngest was initially friendly but now seems to have decided he doesn't like my partner so is becoming quite monosyllabic.
This isn't great but it's made even worse by the fact that I know it really bothers my partner and instead of just brushing it off as teenagers being awkward, he now doesn't make any effort to engage with them either unless they talk to him first (which doesn't really happen). That annoys me that he is putting his own feelings ahead of mine, and I think he is being pretty immature. But I'm also upset that my kids haven't made more of an effort and don't understand how important this is to me.
I hate that I now feel that I am stuck in the middle and feel on edge whenever my partner is at my house. My youngest just keeps telling me he wants me to go and stay at my partner's as he as more comfortable when my partner isn't there, and I have done that a few times now but it just bothers me that I should have to, and that I can't feel comfortable in my own home.
Should I just leave them all to get on with it and sort themselves out? I feel like I deserve to have someone in my life who makes me happy, but I hate that my kids aren't on board with it. If all carries on going well I would love to be thinking about living with my partner in a couple of years time ( he would love us to live together now but even if things were simple with the kids, I wouldn't be able to move til my youngest finishes school).
Has anyone else been through a similar situation where they feel stuck between their kids and their new partner?

If a man is interested, you will know about it! When me and now dh first started dating he was quick to secure the next meet, after each date!

Reading your update, he has for many years chosen his job over a relationship and continues to do so. If he isn't prepared to make changes to his work life balance to accommodate the relationship that he is allegedly looking for, how does he expect that to change? I think the fact that you also have a full on job is a red herring here - you are being way more generous than many others would be in this circumstance.

You sound impatient to know what's going to happen next, will he contact me, will he express an interest to see me again, will he ... rather than letting things take a natural course.

Only 3 weeks into a relationship, you sound way too intense about it, over-investing your headspace, talking to him about marriage. It sounds exhausting, which is not a good sign.

this type of arrangement rarely ends well, not least of all with both of you having to fit each other into a busy work schedule. it sounds like it has already burnt out through lack of the ability to just let things happen naturally. Maybe you're both so much in work mode, you're trying to schedule and control things to the nth degree.

Let this one go and be realistic about what you really want. It sounds like you aren't clear on that.

He drove you home to sleep with you. It didn’t happen. He’s no longer interested and is fading you out

SnowyPetals yes that’s the reality - there’s no way he has time to build the kind of relationship I am looking for, I realise that now