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Original poster

Have I been dumped by text? Should I respond?

110 replies

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 18:38

I've been seeing someone for a year. I'm late 50s and he's early 60s. We were seeing each other a lot. Shortly after we met, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had a prostectomy which left him with ED but a good chance of full recovery.

The last 15 weeks have been unusually busy for us both and we couldn't find a time to meet. I got a bit fed up of messaging all the time (he texts around 20 times a day) and stopped for a day which really, really upset him. He thought he was boring me. The one time made an arrangement to meet, he came down with covid (or so he said). Last couple of weeks, he told me that he was meeting up with two old friends but he didn't ask to meet me. He was obviously being evasive so I sent a text asking if he'd like to meet up. I asked him to be honest if he didn't so that I could move on. He said he needed time to respond.

The next day I got a very long text essentially saying that the time we've spent together has been fantastic but the long gap in seeing each other has taken its toll. He said he's sure that if we see each other again things will be back to where they were straight away but that whilst he felt before that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he doesn't see that future anymore. He said that he was putting off meeting me because he was worried that when he saw me, he wouldn't be able to tell that and he didn't want to lie to me.

What really got me though was a separate text about his health in which he mentioned various ailments and said that he's waiting for a call from the hospital about injecting something into an intimate part of his body to try and get an erection. Why the bloody hell is he doing that if we're not seeing each other? Is he seeing someone else? Health wise there's a lot going on right now.

I don't know what to say or whether to respond at all. That was three days ago. I sent a couple of messages but deleted them soon after and I don't think he read them. Then I archived the chat. Should I respond?

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 29/10/2022 18:41

No, just move on.

bigblueyonder · 29/10/2022 18:47

No, he has made his decision, just move on.

BronnauMawrion · 29/10/2022 18:47

Move on. He's not worth investing any more time in.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 29/10/2022 18:51

Sounds like you’re mismatched in the level of contact you want so on that basis alone, let him go. You deserve someone who really wants to be with you.

Re the ED, he could just want to feel well and good about himself aside from dating you or anyone else.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 18:52

I'm furious with him and want to give him a piece of my mind. I feel that he was just using me to get through a difficult period in his life. However, he's also vain and I expect he's hoping I'll be begging to see him.

I'm not sad or upset (yet), just extremely angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 18:54

Yes, maybe that's true about the injections. The last time we went away for the weekend, I know that he was struggling with feelings of inadequacy and frustration that there was no sensation at all. I woke in the middle of the night and he was wide awake and in tears.

We were terribly close before. We went out two or three times a week together, had lots of weekends away and everyone remarked on what a great couple we made. He was really lovely and that's why this is such a shock. I never, ever expected it of him.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 29/10/2022 19:00

I’d be angry too. I like the way you’ve done texts and then deleted them, that’s what I would do, write what I would really like to say, but in reality not reply. What would you like to say, tell us instead.

Sidge · 29/10/2022 19:00

If you’ve not managed to see each other in 15 weeks - nearly 4 months - out of the year you’ve been together I’d suggest you’re not that into each other.

Just reply, saying ok all the best, and move on.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 19:06

Actually, it's not 15 weeks, I miscalculated. We last went away together in mid August. Then he had to go away for 3 weeks, I was busy every weekend after that and also went away with friends, work was manic and he got covid.

OP posts:
Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 19:08

I think one of the texts I deleted said something like 'I was thinking more of a drink to catch up with each other rather than waltzing off into the sunset holding hands'. The other one was angrier and said that I couldn't understand why he was finding out about the injections if he wasn't planning to meet up with me and that it suggested he wasn't only seeing me.

The text he sent was odd in that it said he was putting off seeing me, not that he didn't want to but I think that's just him being cowardly.

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 29/10/2022 19:15

I don’t know what you have to be angry about at all. It sounds like the not seeing each other for fifteen weeks was more driven by you than him, but I expect you both could have made more of an effort than you did. If I had not seen the person I was dating since August, I would have assumed it was over a long time ago. I think you should draw a line under this and move on.

CPL593H · 29/10/2022 19:19

I honestly would reply with the passive aggressive thumbs up emoji and block him. Engaging will achieve nothing. I'm sorry that you are upset but this isn't going anywhere.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 19:21

You could be right. I probably should have made more of an effort during the week to meet up. Work was so crazy and I was constantly exhausted. Then I was away every weekend (family stuff). I suppose I didn't explain this properly to him. Maybe he thought I was avoiding him.

OP posts:
JuliaDomna · 29/10/2022 19:51

Do you think perhaps he is worried about the prostate cancer and he can't focus on the relationship just now? Or the ED?

My father and another close relative had prostate cancer. The treatment isn't always straight forward. There are regular blood tests to monitor PSA levels, possibly radiotherapy or hormone therapy. It isn't always the case that a prostatectomy gets rid of the cancer. It can come back. 3 years after my close relatives prostatectomy the cancer has spread and he is receiving palliative care.

valadon68 · 29/10/2022 19:54

Argh, what a disappointing message to get OP. You could reply something like 'ok, thanks for letting me know. Very sad to hear it but I respect your decision.' He will chase you if he wants to, but means you are acknowledging his message and behaving honourably & also leaves you free to commit to moving on without waiting in limbo for him to initiate an actual conversation about things. Then throw yourself into being busy (sounds like you have that covered!).

Pixiedust1234 · 29/10/2022 19:58

You've done the right thing by archiving it. I really can't work out what he wants from you, and I don't think you can either.

If he can explain better, ie I need cancer support, or ed support or can we go back to friendship rather than relationship until I sort my head out..then you would know, but he's dumped it all on you. And that is why you might be angry.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 20:00

I am so sorry to hear about your close relative. There's no doubt that the PC is a huge worry for him. He was told that they removed it just in time as it was about to spread but no further treatment is needed. However, there is the stress of the constant blood tests for the next five years. He's got other health worries too at the moment. I know he's really struggling with the ED. He told me before that if we split up, that would be the end of sex for him because he really would just give up on that. That's why the whole injection thing threw me. I appreciate that the psychological affect of all of this must be huge and I think he's been in denial the whole way through his treatment. He was so jolly all the time. Now the reality is beginning to hit. That's why I'm not reacting angrily to him even though I want to. I know he's struggling with this and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I don't know whether to just say that I've loved our time time together and wish him the very best for the future, or just to leave it as I have and say nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 20:05

Yes, that's it Pixiedust, I just don't know what he meant by the message. He said he was putting off meeting, not that he didn't want to. I don't know what he wanted to happen next.

He doesn't use WhatsApp generally. He never used to be on there unless he was messaging me. He would message me early morning through to bedtime every single day. I know he's been checking regularly to see if I'm online or have responded, mainly because I look at the archived chat a lot for the same reason (I know that's defeating the object and have now changed the settings so we can't see when the other's last seen).

OP posts:
Bestofthree · 29/10/2022 20:06

I would probably text its a shame abt his decision as you had a good time and liked him but if thats what he wants then you wish him all the best.
Ignore thr injection stuff. Not ur problem anynore is it.
Very sad for you though OP, sorry it didnt work out. And I can see why youre angry but dont bother with that emotion - too draining.

Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 20:20

I'm not sad or upset (yet), just extremely angry

Well, given that his communication with you has left you confused, he's obviously not that bothered about clear communication or making sure you've understood what may have been an important message. So, why not say nothing until your feelings are clearer to you? No need to put pressure on yourself to respond 'right' to someone who isn't bothered about messaging 'right' in the first place.

You're under no obligation to say anything at all.

oldbrownjug · 29/10/2022 20:23

Call him rather than ask us wht you think he meant.
You don't sound that bothered - too busy with work to see him when he's being/ been treated for cancer. He maybe thinks he is not getting the support he needs. You don't seem to think you're getting what you need. So either the relationship has run its course or you speak to each other and talk it through. And if he won't talk to you - then it's not going to go any further is it?

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 20:29

Huge thanks to all of you for reading my long post and taking the time to reply. It is more helpful than you could ever know.

The last part of his message says:

There is lots to all this I know and a simple on here, in my clumsy and long winded way, cannot capture all the emotions I am struggling with. I suppose in my head I had this idea that if we met I could say some of this, but I don't know that would be able to once we held on to each other again, or even just saw you! So, yes I am putting off seeing you. Because I am a chicken I suppose, but mainly I hope because I really don't want to lie to you. This is a rubbish message but I have to say something. I know you will pick 100s of holes in it if you want to, but you probably won't bother! xxx

OP posts:
valadon68 · 29/10/2022 20:59

Hmm, that paints things in a slightly different light. Without wanting to blame you at all OP, it does sound like he's pretty hurt and has missed you, and wants you to actively demonstrate that you're on the same page as him by showing that you too are vulnerable. After reading his message, I think it must worth phoning him as a PP suggested, what do you think, OP? He must be feeling on edge and raw due to the medical stuff and is probably testing you ('you probably won't bother') - quite understandable given the circs. He definitely seems to want you to engage, even if it's just 'picking holes'. Could you phone him to test the waters and, if he seems like he wants to commit, reassure him you'll start making more time for him? And that not replying to texts doesn't mean you're not interested etc etc.

Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 21:08

Not reading it anything like Valadon has; looks like a clear 'I'm ending things by text because I'm too chicken to do it in person... go ahead, berate me!' to me.

Either way, he's blethering about and not saying precisely what he means. The fact that it can be interpreted so differently shows how unclear it is. Find someone who says what he means and means what he says; this guy is proving himself to do neither.

Canihaveacoffeepleasexx · 29/10/2022 21:13

I think you’re in the wrong here. If you’re not going to see him or reply what is he meant to do. He obviously wanted your support through a difficult time