Have I been dumped by text? Should I respond?

[champagnelottie]

I've been seeing someone for a year. I'm late 50s and he's early 60s. We were seeing each other a lot. Shortly after we met, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had a prostectomy which left him with ED but a good chance of full recovery.

The last 15 weeks have been unusually busy for us both and we couldn't find a time to meet. I got a bit fed up of messaging all the time (he texts around 20 times a day) and stopped for a day which really, really upset him. He thought he was boring me. The one time made an arrangement to meet, he came down with covid (or so he said). Last couple of weeks, he told me that he was meeting up with two old friends but he didn't ask to meet me. He was obviously being evasive so I sent a text asking if he'd like to meet up. I asked him to be honest if he didn't so that I could move on. He said he needed time to respond.

The next day I got a very long text essentially saying that the time we've spent together has been fantastic but the long gap in seeing each other has taken its toll. He said he's sure that if we see each other again things will be back to where they were straight away but that whilst he felt before that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he doesn't see that future anymore. He said that he was putting off meeting me because he was worried that when he saw me, he wouldn't be able to tell that and he didn't want to lie to me.

What really got me though was a separate text about his health in which he mentioned various ailments and said that he's waiting for a call from the hospital about injecting something into an intimate part of his body to try and get an erection. Why the bloody hell is he doing that if we're not seeing each other? Is he seeing someone else? Health wise there's a lot going on right now.

I don't know what to say or whether to respond at all. That was three days ago. I sent a couple of messages but deleted them soon after and I don't think he read them. Then I archived the chat. Should I respond?

Lots of issues on his side in terms of his behaviour and you may not be compatible, but do you really think it's okay to have "been busy" yourself for however many weeks it was? Busy doing what? Yes at work, manic, in the week, what about the rest? When he's recovering from and adjusting to having had cancer and you were really close before? Why do you think that he wouldn't think that you are the one blowing him off now he's not as fit and well? How do you think you may have made him feel? You don't sound like that much of a catch for him long term either unless I've misunderstood something?

He's a retired man with time on his hands who desperately wants his ego, and cock, stroked. He is ridiculously demanding of your time and attention and dangerously controlling. You are badly mismatched in so many aspects, for God sake do yourself a favour and get out.

He sounds very hurt that you ignored his texts for a day.

I'm not sure how you explained your behaviour or why you think that is kind or loving.

Sadly this has no drifted too far for you to put this right.

I'm not sure how strong communication was in this relationship. You do seem here to feel more comfortable criticising than self reflecting, and that's never going to make a relationship easier.

Sending then deleting angry texts doesn't work because the other person's device will retain them.

If he were right for you this series of misunderstandings could have been resolved but overall two people letting precious life go by waiting for the other to apologise or explain whilst never doing it themselves.

I think you should be more assertive, OP, and request to meet much sooner than the two weeks he suggested! He does seem to 'lead' and got used to it and then he didn't like that you stepped away from you usual revolving around him - and rightly being supportive back in April - and showed more independence.
But I agree with your friend, he sounds hugely needy/insecure rather than a cold narcissist.
Being controlling is a form of insecurity - i.e. they need to feel in full control of their partner otherwise he feels panic that you are distancing / losing interest! It's better to be controlling but showing vulnerability like he does, than a cold controlling behavoiur though -
so it may be worth talking to him and having a serious chat about trust and how you have a family / job and are busy while you do love him too. Maybe this will make him relaxed enough to contiue in a more healthy way (NOT 150 texts a day). If he wants things back to that or nothing - then good riddance really!

Send him the noodle emoji 🍜

You sound lovely

I must be reading a different thread! I am reading about a woman who had been too busy to make a single moment to see her “partner” since August and despite him having just gone through cancer! Goodness knows why it took him this long to end this joke of a relationship. Although I would also say his communication is very waffley and hard to understand, I would have been much more direct.

I think if you didn’t prioritise seeing him after he had been away for 3 weeks, you didn’t like him that much. If I were him, that is how I would have read the situation.
So maybe he thinks you aren’t that keen and he’s too old to chase someone who is lukewarm about the relationship.

All very strange. Not seeing each other for 15 weeks and only communicating by text. Hardly a relationship.

Call him and meet for a coffee like a pair of grown ups. You sound very aloof and I would have got the impression you were barely interested

Honestly this is so long-winded.
Do you want to carry on seeing each other? Yes/no?
If yes, what can we work on.
Such long pointless messages and confusion is wasting time and drawing all the stress out.

@champagnelottie "There is lots to all this I know and a simple on here, in my clumsy and long winded way, cannot capture all the emotions I am struggling with. I suppose in my head I had this idea that if we met I could say some of this, but I don't know that would be able to once we held on to each other again, or even just saw you! So, yes I am putting off seeing you. Because I am a chicken I suppose, but mainly I hope because I really don't want to lie to you. This is a rubbish message but I have to say something. I know you will pick 100s of holes in it if you want to, but you probably won't bother! xxx."

he strikes me as a covert narcissist (albeit a gentle one), like every narcissist he's incredibly insecure and needs LOTS of attention (as in 24/7) that you were obviously not giving him because a) You're not retired b)you have a life that didn't spin around his. He felt he had no control over you and narcissists NEED to be in control of the narrative all the time, he was not. A narcissist will dump you when they loose control over you, harsh as it sounds. the text he sent you is very ambiguous and he's not being honest with the real reasons he's dumping you. he also wants to punish you for being so "off standish" and not giving him the constant attention he deserves. I believe you're better off without him because this relationship will not work in the long run. However... expect "hoovers" from him, he will get in touch with you every now and then with silly excuses telling he misses you but nothing good will come out of there. With narcissists things are always very confusing and unless you block them you never get rid of them.