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Original poster

Have I been dumped by text? Should I respond?

110 replies

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 18:38

I've been seeing someone for a year. I'm late 50s and he's early 60s. We were seeing each other a lot. Shortly after we met, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had a prostectomy which left him with ED but a good chance of full recovery.

The last 15 weeks have been unusually busy for us both and we couldn't find a time to meet. I got a bit fed up of messaging all the time (he texts around 20 times a day) and stopped for a day which really, really upset him. He thought he was boring me. The one time made an arrangement to meet, he came down with covid (or so he said). Last couple of weeks, he told me that he was meeting up with two old friends but he didn't ask to meet me. He was obviously being evasive so I sent a text asking if he'd like to meet up. I asked him to be honest if he didn't so that I could move on. He said he needed time to respond.

The next day I got a very long text essentially saying that the time we've spent together has been fantastic but the long gap in seeing each other has taken its toll. He said he's sure that if we see each other again things will be back to where they were straight away but that whilst he felt before that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he doesn't see that future anymore. He said that he was putting off meeting me because he was worried that when he saw me, he wouldn't be able to tell that and he didn't want to lie to me.

What really got me though was a separate text about his health in which he mentioned various ailments and said that he's waiting for a call from the hospital about injecting something into an intimate part of his body to try and get an erection. Why the bloody hell is he doing that if we're not seeing each other? Is he seeing someone else? Health wise there's a lot going on right now.

I don't know what to say or whether to respond at all. That was three days ago. I sent a couple of messages but deleted them soon after and I don't think he read them. Then I archived the chat. Should I respond?

OP posts:
xPeaceX · 29/10/2022 22:19

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:05

Suzi, that's what I was thinking. I think he's scared of hurting my feelings or me being angry with him (he can't stand anyone being upset with him or any form of confrontation). I think he fancies me but doesn't find me intellectually challenging. We're quite different. He loves watching the same old black and white movies again and again, I rarely watch anything twice. He doesn't own a TV, I've got a rather large TV and multiple TV subscriptions. He goes to church every day, I never go. He's tight with money and I'm generous. He's a snob and I'm not. He's a Tory and I'm left wing. Yet, despite those differences and many, many more, I love him very much.

HE sounds absolutely AWFUL

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:22

That's so right about the injections. I did, of course, wonder if that is why he was finding out about them now. It's perfectly normal to want things to work in the way they used to or to feel the same way.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 22:24

I thought he was being a snob and very judgemental

OK. You're mismatched. You're worrying yourself about whether you've been dumped by someone you actually aren't compatible with anyway.

Why would you want to carry on a relationship with someone who had this reaction to you having a chat with some people during an evening out?

I think your self esteem is low, OP. Has it always been?

ThreeLocusts · 29/10/2022 22:26

OP it's all bloody confusing and I understand that you want to protect yourself - but there is a chance that he doesn't actually want to move on from you, but rather interprets your difficulties to find time for him as a sign that you want to move on.

I imagine that the PC and ED must be hugely traumatic and he may be projecting, thinking that you find him unfanciable now because he's afraid of being unfanciable, iykwim.

Not sure what follows from this practically but I'd be tempted to try and arrange a meeting in person.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:27

What you said xPeaceX said before sums up how I feel. I feel used. I feel that he used me for sex before he had the operation because he knew that things might not recover afterwards. I also provided a distraction from the illness. He didn't tell anyone else. I was there with a sympathetic ear and lots of handholding throughout. Now he's through it and in generally good shape (he recovered very quickly and the nerves will hopefully heal eventually so that he won't need the injections in future), I'm no longer needed.

OP posts:
lifeinmidthirties · 29/10/2022 22:28

Op - be careful here. I don't like it. Something about how you've described his behaviour sounds like he is trying to control you. This all started when you didn't text him back for a day.... I'd be concerned this is just manipulative tactics on his part to get you back in line

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:30

Yes, Watchkeys, I think I do have low self esteem. I never used to. It's got so much worse in recent years.

OP posts:
goldfinchonthelawn · 29/10/2022 22:33

I feel a bit sorry for him - he's had Covid and some major health scares and you haven't really been around or supportive and didn't even properly explain why you couldn;t see him for weeks on end. I think I would reassess whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone who was that indifferent to me so I understand why he said this.

But maybe you are not compatible. You sound much more independent and naturally cool than he is. He sounds quite needy and full on. Like you, I'd be driven up the wall by 20 texts a day. I'd find that so intrusive. Maybe you need a man who is more self-confident and self-reliant.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:33

That's interesting lifeinmidthirties. I hadn't thought of it that way. He was so very upset when I didn't text him that time. Now I think about it, whenever we went anywhere, he always planned the day. Where we would meet, eat, drink at and stay and all the activities in between. When I sometimes pushed to go somewhere new, he really struggled with it. He didn't like admitting it if I took him somewhere that he enjoyed.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 22:37

I think you need to stop psychoanalysing someone who has sent you unclear communication about whether he wants an ongoing relationship with you. The very fact that he's done that, and that you're asking a forum to clarify it, rather than approaching him, should be telling you that the relationship is not the one one for you, long term. Have a look at why you're not seeing it that way, rather than focussing on him. After all, is your life about making you happy, or making him happy?

lifeinmidthirties · 29/10/2022 22:38

Well, listen to your gut and look after yourself please Flowers

If it's all a bluff and he is controlling he won't be letting things go that easily

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:39

goldfinchonthelawn it was usually much more than 20 texts a day. Sometimes there were 150 or more! At first it was fine because work wasn't so busy but in the last three months it has gone crazy and I just couldn't respond to them all and that upset him I think. I did tell him the reason why but I don't think he fully understood because before that it was OK.

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 29/10/2022 22:42

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 29/10/2022 21:41

The other one was angrier and said that I couldn't understand why he was finding out about the injections if he wasn't planning to meet up with me and that it suggested he wasn't only seeing me.

that’s really unfair. He must be in absolute pieces and the fact that you haven’t found time to meet up while he’s been dealing with all this doesn’t paint you in a great light either.

If I was struggling with sexual sensation etc and my DP wasn’t able to find a moment to spend time with me in several months, then accused me of sleeping around if I wanted to get it sorted, I’d be dumping him too. It’s really insensitive of you to base his medical decision around how it affects you. It’s HIS penis and he should be able to get whatever treatment he wants to make it function whether or not he’s with you.

I’ve had anorgasmia in the past and it’s heartbreaking to think you might never have an orgasm again. I was lucky mine was fixable but if it hadn’t been I know it would have had a huge affect on my relationships.

100% this, sounds like the guy is struggling with life / health right now and is feeling quite unhappy/ unsure what to do next

Mlb123 · 29/10/2022 22:47

He's got his eye on someone else . The fact he's not showing interest in meeting up and the injections tell me that. Many will say I am paranoid but with men the fact is they act this way when it's the case down to the guilt tripping and the future talk etc xx

Azulocean · 29/10/2022 22:49

Is he worth being vulnerable for? If you open up and give him the benefit of the doubt and offer a meet up, he may be thrilled you’ve made time for him and it works out. It may slam the door and say he’s moved on. But if you stay guarded and not ask will you be happy never knowing?

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:57

I think you are all right. I should just ask him to explain clearly what he meant.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 23:02

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:57

I think you are all right. I should just ask him to explain clearly what he meant.

Why? You feel he's used you. You feel he's not communicating clearly with you. You feel that you've not had time to dedicate to meeting his needs.

How do you think that a relationship with him will make you happy?

Thymeout · 29/10/2022 23:05

I think you're massively underestimating the effect of his prostatectomy. It sounds as if there's a significant degree of uncertainty about the chances of the cancer coming back if it was on the verge of metastasising. This will make the regular blood tests extremely stressful. It will always be at the back of his mind that this could be the beginning of the end.

Meanwhile, he can't forget about it because he can no longer perform sexually. The operation has effectively castrated him. There might be a treatment that would restore some sort of function, but there are no guarantees. That is HUGE.

Obviously, it's going to affect your relationship. He must have been scared that you would leave him. That's why he was so upset when you didn't answer his texts and the long gap must have felt as if you were trying to let him down gently.

I think you do need to reply. It sounds as if there's so much that hasn't been said, on both sides. He may feel that no relationship is better than one where he continually feels frustrated and humiliated as a man. You may feel that it's too much of a sacrifice for you to make and not enough left of the relationship to sustain it. Both v reasonable positions. But I think you will regret it if you don't make the effort to be clarify where things stand.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 23:15

Thymeout, I agree. I know that the operation has been so very difficult for him. It really is heartbreaking to watch someone you love going through that. I think he really does feel like less of a man which he never was to me. He told me he couldn't even stand to look at himself in the shower. I wanted to weep. It has been truly devastating for him and I feel so bloody awful now for not considering that me not responding to his messages as I normally did would have such an effect. I thought he'd understand that I was busy at work but he may have thought I was just making it up.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 23:21

But would your ideal partner assume you were making stuff up? This is basic trust. If he doesn't trust you to tell him the truth about when you're too busy to see him, how would you fare together with more nuanced relationship communication?

FinallyHere · 29/10/2022 23:23

want to give him a piece of my mind

I'm so sorry but honestly, don't give him any more attention or headspace. No need for all this messing around.

There is someone loads better than him out there for you.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 23:52

I'm just sooo confused! I can't believe I'm so useless at this kind of thing. I'm in my late 50s FFS.

OP posts:
suzyscat · 29/10/2022 23:54

If someone I was seeing couldn't see me for a month after 3 weeks apart, and randomly ignored me and our usual messaging routine for no reason I'd walk away and assume I was just taking the hint.

Watchkeys · 30/10/2022 00:09

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 23:52

I'm just sooo confused! I can't believe I'm so useless at this kind of thing. I'm in my late 50s FFS.

Recognise that you are not useless at anything. Walk away from what doesn't make you feel happy and safe. It really is that straightforward. How old you are is irrelevant. Some people are raised to know it, some people learn it, some don't learn it.

But you'll be happier once you have learnt it. There's no confusion. 'Do I like this?' 'No' 'Well, I'm off, then.' And that's it.

MMmomDD · 30/10/2022 00:13

Frankly - if I was dating someone, we saw each other weekly, and then after I came back from visiting family - the person I was seeing regularly was all of a sudden constantly not available …. visiting family every weekend; seeing friends; claiming work was manic, etc - for the next 4 months , I’d assume they have moved on and not into me anymore. This would seize being a relationship.
Actually - I’d probably be gone much sooner as who wants to hang around and wait for some crumbs.

So yes - it’s amazing he hang around as long as he did. And he does sound hurt.

I feel bad for the guy, as you really don’t seem bothered about actually seeing him.
Not sure why you are surprised by his message.