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Original poster

Have I been dumped by text? Should I respond?

110 replies

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 18:38

I've been seeing someone for a year. I'm late 50s and he's early 60s. We were seeing each other a lot. Shortly after we met, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had a prostectomy which left him with ED but a good chance of full recovery.

The last 15 weeks have been unusually busy for us both and we couldn't find a time to meet. I got a bit fed up of messaging all the time (he texts around 20 times a day) and stopped for a day which really, really upset him. He thought he was boring me. The one time made an arrangement to meet, he came down with covid (or so he said). Last couple of weeks, he told me that he was meeting up with two old friends but he didn't ask to meet me. He was obviously being evasive so I sent a text asking if he'd like to meet up. I asked him to be honest if he didn't so that I could move on. He said he needed time to respond.

The next day I got a very long text essentially saying that the time we've spent together has been fantastic but the long gap in seeing each other has taken its toll. He said he's sure that if we see each other again things will be back to where they were straight away but that whilst he felt before that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he doesn't see that future anymore. He said that he was putting off meeting me because he was worried that when he saw me, he wouldn't be able to tell that and he didn't want to lie to me.

What really got me though was a separate text about his health in which he mentioned various ailments and said that he's waiting for a call from the hospital about injecting something into an intimate part of his body to try and get an erection. Why the bloody hell is he doing that if we're not seeing each other? Is he seeing someone else? Health wise there's a lot going on right now.

I don't know what to say or whether to respond at all. That was three days ago. I sent a couple of messages but deleted them soon after and I don't think he read them. Then I archived the chat. Should I respond?

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 29/10/2022 21:17

Well.. I still don't know what he is after. Does he want you but scared of his own feelings or does he want you but scared of your (lack of) feelings? Confused

I know you will pick 100s of holes in it if you want to, but you probably won't bother! xxx
But this part stood out to me. Hes blaming you for his inability to communicate. Hes blaming you for not doing enough. Hes blaming you for anything he thinks he can get away with.

And that is why you are feeling angry.

Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 21:21

Canihaveacoffeepleasexx · 29/10/2022 21:13

I think you’re in the wrong here. If you’re not going to see him or reply what is he meant to do. He obviously wanted your support through a difficult time

OP isn't in the wrong if her time schedule doesn't allow for what he wants. It just means they're incompatible.

I want your support, does that mean you're in the wrong if you say no?

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 21:24

I believe I have supported him through a difficult time and wanted to continue to do so. The op took place in April and I've been by his side throughout. It was such an emotional time but it brought us very close together. I really do want to be there for him but I feel like he's pushed me away. Not seeing each other for so long undoubtedly put a huge strain on things but I feel we were both to blame for that, not just me.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds his message confusing. I just don't know what he wants.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 21:26

I just don't know what he wants

Just to get back to basics here, why isn't your first move to ask him what he wants, if you're not clear? How come you're posting on a forum to find out how he feels, rather than asking him?

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 21:31

I suppose I'm posting on here because I didn't understand the message and felt angry, upset and confused. I didn't want to start a conversation with him if he was simply saying that it was over. I've always struggled to read between the lines or understand things if they're not said very clearly.

I suppose I felt humiliated and wanted to retain some dignity by not responding and now I'm having second thoughts.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 29/10/2022 21:33

It reads pretty straightforwardly to me- he wants to finish with you and was too afraid to tell you in person so is telling you, awkwardly, by text.

Fentylipgloss · 29/10/2022 21:36

I would just take it as face value.
Delete his number and move on.
I've been 'dumped' countless times by text and I learnt the hard way by wanting answers, trust me, not worth it!

OhILoveDoughnuts · 29/10/2022 21:37

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 18:54

Yes, maybe that's true about the injections. The last time we went away for the weekend, I know that he was struggling with feelings of inadequacy and frustration that there was no sensation at all. I woke in the middle of the night and he was wide awake and in tears.

We were terribly close before. We went out two or three times a week together, had lots of weekends away and everyone remarked on what a great couple we made. He was really lovely and that's why this is such a shock. I never, ever expected it of him.

By the sounds of it, you had a lovely relationship.

Could this be down to embarrassment on his part? Has he been avoiding you, hopefully that things with the ED would improve? And now he's pushing you away. You've not seen each other for a while. You've been genuinely busy. Does he believe this? Or does he think you've not wanted to see him? Because of these issues!

sunshinealwayscomesback · 29/10/2022 21:41

You should certainly meet to discuss this. Crazy not to.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 29/10/2022 21:41

The other one was angrier and said that I couldn't understand why he was finding out about the injections if he wasn't planning to meet up with me and that it suggested he wasn't only seeing me.

that’s really unfair. He must be in absolute pieces and the fact that you haven’t found time to meet up while he’s been dealing with all this doesn’t paint you in a great light either.

If I was struggling with sexual sensation etc and my DP wasn’t able to find a moment to spend time with me in several months, then accused me of sleeping around if I wanted to get it sorted, I’d be dumping him too. It’s really insensitive of you to base his medical decision around how it affects you. It’s HIS penis and he should be able to get whatever treatment he wants to make it function whether or not he’s with you.

I’ve had anorgasmia in the past and it’s heartbreaking to think you might never have an orgasm again. I was lucky mine was fixable but if it hadn’t been I know it would have had a huge affect on my relationships.

Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 21:46

I think that if you're not sure and you can't ask him for clarity, you're not as close as you're making out. Two close people can ask each other things and not feel humiliated if the response isn't what they'd hoped, because they'd assume the other person's intentions towards them were, at least, kind.

If you ask him 'Are you ending our relationship?' and he says 'Yes', how are you humiliated? Why would you feel humiliated?

SpentDandelion · 29/10/2022 21:46

Life is too short OP, l would ring him and maybe arrange to go for a coffee so you can chat face to face, just be honest and say you didn't understand his text, at least that way you will have clarification and you can both decide where you go from here.

blippi123 · 29/10/2022 21:52

Sounds like this relationship petered out from both sides some time ago

You haven't seen each other since August, we're nearly in November. If both of you wanted to see each other you'd have found a way

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 21:53

Yes, you're right SteveHarrington, and it was very selfish of me to think about the injections in that way. Thank you for making me see that. I honestly do care very much about how he feels. I loved him deeply and wanted to continue to support him.
I had never considered that he wouldn't have believed me when I said that I was busy with family stuff and work. He didn't actually ask if we could meet during the week instead but I suppose I didn't suggest it either. I'm the sole provider for my family which is why I take my work seriously. When work is really busy, I just have to put in more hours.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 29/10/2022 21:53

It sounds like he wants to end it to me but doesn’t have the guts. Perhaps he finds you attractive and feels he will want to act on it, but other aspects of your relationship aren’t there. I’m not sure, the only way to find out is to call him.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 21:56

I suppose if he says he wants to end the relationship it would be a huge knock to my self confidence. I would feel that I'm not good enough and I'd be devastated because I adore him. I know that's an issue for me and I'm seriously thinking about counselling to address that.

OP posts:
whoisthatpersoninthemirror · 29/10/2022 21:59

That message clearly says he wanted to end it in person but was too chicken. I wouldn't respond.

whoisthatpersoninthemirror · 29/10/2022 22:00

Sorry op. There's something off about him though if he goes from 'rest of our lives' to that.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:05

Suzi, that's what I was thinking. I think he's scared of hurting my feelings or me being angry with him (he can't stand anyone being upset with him or any form of confrontation). I think he fancies me but doesn't find me intellectually challenging. We're quite different. He loves watching the same old black and white movies again and again, I rarely watch anything twice. He doesn't own a TV, I've got a rather large TV and multiple TV subscriptions. He goes to church every day, I never go. He's tight with money and I'm generous. He's a snob and I'm not. He's a Tory and I'm left wing. Yet, despite those differences and many, many more, I love him very much.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 22:07

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 21:56

I suppose if he says he wants to end the relationship it would be a huge knock to my self confidence. I would feel that I'm not good enough and I'd be devastated because I adore him. I know that's an issue for me and I'm seriously thinking about counselling to address that.

But what about if he communicates in a way that makes you feel that he might be ending it? Is that the sort of thing you're looking for in a partner? Communication that's so unclear to you that you don't even know if you have a relationship, and you're too uncomfortable to ask?

Why is everything about whether he is leaving you? Why aren't you the one who is deciding that after his latest missive, he's not what you're looking for? Why aren't you rejecting him?

fruitbrewhaha · 29/10/2022 22:07

I can’t help but think if you were really into him, you would have found more time to see him. August was a long time ago. Why didn’t you move something around? Or invite him to join you? Or cancel something so you could have seen him? Was there really not an evening he could have come and shared a takeaway?

AngelinaFibres · 29/10/2022 22:12

The relationship has probably run its course Op. That's always going to be hard but time will ease the disappointment.

As far as the ED and injections go he may just be desperate to feel like a normal man again. If you had had breast cancer and a mastectomy you might be okay with a missing breast or you might be desperate for reconstruction to feel more like your old self. It might be because you want a relationship with someone new, it might just be that you want to feel that you are the same as you were before this frightening event occurred.

CampariAndSoda · 29/10/2022 22:16

Can't you ask him outright what he means and if he wants to end the relationship? You really don't have anything to lose at this point.

xPeaceX · 29/10/2022 22:18

Wow. I'd either text back ''ok''
or

''I wasn't determined to spend the rest of my life with you, but your realising this with such certainty after you have recovered makes me feel a bit used. It's a bit shabby.''

Original poster
champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:19

Our last weekend away in August was a bit strange. We away were having a late night drink in the hotel bar and a couple came in and started chatting to us. They were just being friendly and so I chatted away to them. He was very quiet which was unlike him and I could tell he was uncomfortable. After about 45 mins we went up to our room but he was clearly upset and told me it was because they were taking his time with me away. He thought they were a bit 'rough' and that the guy was drinking too much and could have turned nasty at any time. I thought he was being a snob and very judgemental. Then there was the whole physical side which left him feeling frustrated. After that, he went away for three weeks and then I was away for a week and Sept was just a crazy month which I'd warned him it would be for a while.

Maybe there's a part of me that wasn't so sure about things either after that night. It all felt a bit controlling. Maybe you're all right and I didn't make an effort to meet up.

OP posts: