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Original poster

Have I been dumped by text? Should I respond?

110 replies

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 18:38

I've been seeing someone for a year. I'm late 50s and he's early 60s. We were seeing each other a lot. Shortly after we met, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had a prostectomy which left him with ED but a good chance of full recovery.

The last 15 weeks have been unusually busy for us both and we couldn't find a time to meet. I got a bit fed up of messaging all the time (he texts around 20 times a day) and stopped for a day which really, really upset him. He thought he was boring me. The one time made an arrangement to meet, he came down with covid (or so he said). Last couple of weeks, he told me that he was meeting up with two old friends but he didn't ask to meet me. He was obviously being evasive so I sent a text asking if he'd like to meet up. I asked him to be honest if he didn't so that I could move on. He said he needed time to respond.

The next day I got a very long text essentially saying that the time we've spent together has been fantastic but the long gap in seeing each other has taken its toll. He said he's sure that if we see each other again things will be back to where they were straight away but that whilst he felt before that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he doesn't see that future anymore. He said that he was putting off meeting me because he was worried that when he saw me, he wouldn't be able to tell that and he didn't want to lie to me.

What really got me though was a separate text about his health in which he mentioned various ailments and said that he's waiting for a call from the hospital about injecting something into an intimate part of his body to try and get an erection. Why the bloody hell is he doing that if we're not seeing each other? Is he seeing someone else? Health wise there's a lot going on right now.

I don't know what to say or whether to respond at all. That was three days ago. I sent a couple of messages but deleted them soon after and I don't think he read them. Then I archived the chat. Should I respond?

OP posts:
Natty13 · 30/10/2022 00:17

The ONLY acceptable reply to this is "ok, thanks for letting me know" and not a word more.

If he is expecting you to chase after him his bluff will be called and he will feel like an idiot. If he is a genuinely nice person with no ill intention to you then recieving that is a nice way to draw a line under it.

I've both sent and received that exact message in the past.

Unseelie · 30/10/2022 00:24

Well he’s just had / has cancer and has a lot to deal with and sounds very muddled so if you’ve been together a year I’d try to sort this out rather than something childish like blocking or assuming you’ve been dumped or whatever.

Can you not… Phone him and talk?

Downunderduchess · 30/10/2022 00:43

Don’t reply, just move on. Give yourself closure by getting on with your life. For whatever reason he doesn’t want to see you anymore, don’t beg for his attention.

OpheliaPlum · 30/10/2022 05:08

Just read your whole thread OP as I’ve got clock change early waking and can’t get back to sleep.

You sound lovely and I can’t help thinking there’s someone more compatible out there. Move on, don’t look back.

Sux2buthen · 30/10/2022 06:34

suzyscat · 29/10/2022 23:54

If someone I was seeing couldn't see me for a month after 3 weeks apart, and randomly ignored me and our usual messaging routine for no reason I'd walk away and assume I was just taking the hint.

Absolutely

AnuSTart · 30/10/2022 07:26

Don't reply.

Your needs are different and 15 weeks is a long time for there not to be space in your life for someone. No matter how busy.

The text sounds quite respectful to me. And he's entitled to do what he likes with his penis at the hospital whether or not he's in a relationship with you. No man wants to have ED.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 30/10/2022 17:53

Sent him a message late very last night. Apologised for not responding sooner and said that I had difficulty processing and understanding his message and that I had only asked if he wanted to meet up, not if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I still don't know if he wants to meet or not. He replied immediately and said he thought I wanted him to be honest about where the relationship was going because I was thinking longer term. He said we should meet up because then he could say more clearly the things he wants to say and suggested meeting in just over two weeks on a week night instead of the weekend. I'm not even worth him spending a weekend day or night with now, am I? I work full-time, he's retired. It's not as though he's got a busy social life either. I actually feel worse now but I don't think I"m seeing things clearly. He said we just get our wires crossed when texting and that the problem arose because we haven't seen each other.

I think we might be best not to chat in between now and the meet because we're both scared of saying the wrong thing and it is all a bit stilted. But if I say that to him, would he take offence?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/10/2022 17:58

Say what you think. If he's offended by you being yourself, he's not your man.

Really, I'd be saying 'Haven't you got any time before that? If that's how high on your priority list this conversation is, forget it.'

Marthasfrog · 30/10/2022 18:03

champagnelottie · 29/10/2022 22:39

goldfinchonthelawn it was usually much more than 20 texts a day. Sometimes there were 150 or more! At first it was fine because work wasn't so busy but in the last three months it has gone crazy and I just couldn't respond to them all and that upset him I think. I did tell him the reason why but I don't think he fully understood because before that it was OK.

That sounds awful.

Marthasfrog · 30/10/2022 18:04

I mean it sounds so excessive. I'm surprised you didn't end things yourself.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 30/10/2022 18:56

I was surprised he suggested waiting so long.

I looked back over our messages and there was never a day when I didn't message until this last week, but I stopped messaging so much (one day I only replied once). I was mega stressed with work and there just didn't seem to be much to say. Then he sent a message saying it was sad we had stopped talking to each other and saying goodnight etc and that he knows it happens sometimes but this time was more serious. Things just never picked up again after that.

OP posts:
Original poster
champagnelottie · 30/10/2022 18:59

He sent the message above in Sept, so things started to deteriorate some weeks ago.

This week I didn't respond to his message for 3 days because I couldn't understand why he didn't answer my question about meeting with a 'yes' or 'no'.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 30/10/2022 19:21

It all sounds a bit too hard work. For what it's worth, I don't like the sound of him at all to be honest.

TheRossatron · 30/10/2022 19:38

Bloody hell more drama than Die Hard. It shouldn't be this hard OP a healthy relationship should make you feel loved, wanted and secure not full of doubt and confusion. I'm 38 and way too old for that bullshit, just wish him well and leave him to it. Although I know how much it will hurt x

butterfliedtwo · 30/10/2022 19:50

If someone hadn't made time for me in months, they'd be getting a week day meeting too, if at all.

Just go see him if you want, finish it, and you can both move on.

Myyearmytime · 30/10/2022 19:51

He has hover you up again ...

Please just stop all this
He is controlling you.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/10/2022 20:13

Wait...you've not seen each since August, he sends a garbled confusing message, you agree to meet up to sort out your relationship but not for TWO WEEKS?????

OP. - with all due respect. That is not a healthy relationship especially when one half is retired with nothing to do. He really has you dancing and asking how high you should jump. RUN!

imacatmeow · 30/10/2022 20:16

It's strange how some people can't see how controlling this guy is and are focusing on the months apart.

150 messages in a day is not normal. Sending you texts guilting you for being busy is not normal.

dontputitthere · 30/10/2022 20:17

For the love of god just no

If he doesn't want to immediately sort it out just sack it off. It's not that important to him is it.

Hey there's even a thing called the telephone that's been invented. You could speak. Which might clear things up quicker than this laborious texting

But honestly. Just sack it off. Two weeks twiddling your thumbs in limbo wondering what he's going to say? Fuck that

It. Is. Not. Worth. The. Drama.

Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 10:41

This week I didn't respond to his message for 3 days because I couldn't understand why he didn't answer my question about meeting with a 'yes' or 'no

Have a think about why, when you don't understand something, your instinct is to say nothing. Whether that's a trait of yours in all relationships or whether it's just with him, it's not healthy, and that's the part of things you can change for yourself, regardless of this relationship.

BankseyVest · 31/10/2022 12:52

Tbh op I'd grab the bull by the horns and finish it. The old saying 'if someone is genuinely interested in you, he won't leave you in any doubt' seems apt. You deserve better than to feel second best, or to feel used. I agree re the text about his injections, on the one hand he's telling you he doesn't see a future, yet he's also touting for sympathy. Won't give you any commitment, but wants your support on his terms. Just no! Walk away.

Fantan · 31/10/2022 13:17

I haven’t read all the posts so maybe missed something that was important, however this man has had cancer and his head will have been all over the place. Perhaps if you had read up on prostate cancer recovery you would understand a little bit how he must be feeling.

Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 16:23

Fantan · 31/10/2022 13:17

I haven’t read all the posts so maybe missed something that was important, however this man has had cancer and his head will have been all over the place. Perhaps if you had read up on prostate cancer recovery you would understand a little bit how he must be feeling.

If someone's head is 'all over the place' to this extent, then it's best to distance yourself rather than trying to continue with a relationship they don't have the mind-space for, regardless of why.

Pinkbonbon · 31/10/2022 16:34

Let's face it, someone who messages you all day every day is obviously some sort of narcissist.

Normal people don't need you to keep them on your mind 24/7. Nor do they guilt trip you when you go one day without messaging them.

Original poster
champagnelottie · 31/10/2022 19:11

Watchkeys, in situations such as these I struggle to understand what I am feeling and it takes me ages to process everything. I had a strong emotional response to the message and I felt a range of responses, from anger (feeling used) to guilt for not responding immediately, to resignation and even an odd feeling of liberation.

I do think it has been a really difficult time for him and understand why his head might be all over the place. It was unusual for him send such an unclear message because he had been thinking about that message all day and normally spends a lot of time getting the message just right. I used to get rather annoyed with the fact that he wouldn't just tell me what he wanted to say without drafting and redrafting.

Pinkbonbon that's interesting because a friend of mine is convinced he's a narcissist but he does seem to have empathy and insight. I think his issue is more one of insecurity and too much time on his hands.

OP posts: