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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think I'm in an abusive relationship

103 replies

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 14:46

Went out to eat with DP who I have been with for a year. He was a bit quiet so I asked him what was wrong. He replied "Can I be honest? I really don't like those leggings that you're wearing. Don't wear them around me again. You should burn them." He then spent the entire meal telling me how "out of place" I looked in comparison to other women. He even said "I scroll through Instagram on see women on there and think to myself, why doesn't my girlfriend look like that?" He said he is used to a "certain standard" of woman and I don't meet that standard. I got up from the table and locked myself in the toilet and cried. I felt absolutely shit. Pathetic and worthless. I eventually came back to the table and was visibly upset. He said I shouldn't be upset about him telling me his "preferences".

This isn't the first time he's made me feel like this. Here are some other things he's said:

  • told me he doesn't like my underwear and it puts him off me. He said I should wear thongs everyday.
  • only likes me to get my toenails painted white and questions me if I choose another colour.
  • hangs up on me and refuses to talk to me if I ever try to talk to him about how he's upset me.

I have spoken to my cousin and she said it's emotionally abusive/controlling - is this true? Writing it all down it definitely seems that way but I'm just so confused because he wasn't like this in the beginning and there are times he can be so loving and complimentary to me.

OP posts:
badassbaby · 26/10/2022 14:47

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 14:46

Went out to eat with DP who I have been with for a year. He was a bit quiet so I asked him what was wrong. He replied "Can I be honest? I really don't like those leggings that you're wearing. Don't wear them around me again. You should burn them." He then spent the entire meal telling me how "out of place" I looked in comparison to other women. He even said "I scroll through Instagram on see women on there and think to myself, why doesn't my girlfriend look like that?" He said he is used to a "certain standard" of woman and I don't meet that standard. I got up from the table and locked myself in the toilet and cried. I felt absolutely shit. Pathetic and worthless. I eventually came back to the table and was visibly upset. He said I shouldn't be upset about him telling me his "preferences".

This isn't the first time he's made me feel like this. Here are some other things he's said:

  • told me he doesn't like my underwear and it puts him off me. He said I should wear thongs everyday.
  • only likes me to get my toenails painted white and questions me if I choose another colour.
  • hangs up on me and refuses to talk to me if I ever try to talk to him about how he's upset me.

I have spoken to my cousin and she said it's emotionally abusive/controlling - is this true? Writing it all down it definitely seems that way but I'm just so confused because he wasn't like this in the beginning and there are times he can be so loving and complimentary to me.

What a dick.
LTB

H1994 · 26/10/2022 14:48

This is 100% abusive, he's breaking your self esteem... this isn't healthy :( I'm sorry he's being this way, he's full of shit, you're wonderful... leave. You deserve someone who loves you in leggings, with green toenails and all the other gross stuff us NORMAL humans do ❤️

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 26/10/2022 14:48

It's your first date and he tells you all this - you'd run a mile, right? That's how they reel you in - if he'd shown his true colours from the off you wouldn't have given him the time of day. If he was like this all the time, you would leave him. The only way to keep you on the hook is to keep you off-balance - loving one day, horrible prick the next.

If I had written your post, what would you tell me to do?

Donepaying · 26/10/2022 14:51

Here- I've written your next text to him , hope this helps

"Dear Fred , your tiny cock , appalling BO and vile personality don't suit what I'm looking for anymore so I'll wish you well for the future . Please don't contact me again , best wishes "

MakeWayMoana · 26/10/2022 14:52

That’s so sad - what a prick.

Definitely emotionally abusive, and could easily escalate to coercive control - if you don’t wear thongs, heels etc that means you don’t love him, he’ll make life unpleasant because of your choices, therefore he is controlling your choices by his reactions to them.

Leave him now - he can go and find someone who fits with his ‘preferences’ 🙄

hoorayandupsherises · 26/10/2022 14:52

It absolutely is abusive.

The parts where he is nice to you and loving? It keeps you thinking that the nasty part wasn't on purpose, that the "nice guy" is who he really is. It means you stay with him. It's all part of the abuse.

It's so hard, after a year he's already whittled away at your self-esteem a lot. But the longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to break up.

You can do it ❤

Mumofnarnia · 26/10/2022 14:55

Yes it’s abusive! Next time he decides to pick at you and tells you how much he dislikes something about you, tell him you don’t like the size of his or is or how he performs in bed.

leave him, he’s awful

Pashazade · 26/10/2022 14:55

So if your cousin came to you with this scenario I'm pretty sure you'd say the same to her. Leave him, you are worth more than this, no one gets to talk down to you like that and someone who makes you cry on a regular basis is not someone to be in a relationship with.

Mumofnarnia · 26/10/2022 14:56

Mumofnarnia · 26/10/2022 14:55

Yes it’s abusive! Next time he decides to pick at you and tells you how much he dislikes something about you, tell him you don’t like the size of his or is or how he performs in bed.

leave him, he’s awful

Sorry that should say tell him you don’t like the size of his penis

AndyWarholsPiehole · 26/10/2022 15:00

You've only been with him a year. Don't waste any more of your life with him.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 26/10/2022 15:01

Well he’s a charmer isn’t he?
As pp says, if he’d said these things on a first date you’d have told him to fuck off. You need to say that now.
Hes really showing his true self now, and it’s not nice. controlling, verbally aggressive, critical — if he’s like this over you choice of nail polish can you imagine how he’d be if you had joint finances. 😳
Tell him he’s not good enough for you.

Isitsixoclockalready · 26/10/2022 15:01

Mumofnarnia · 26/10/2022 14:56

Sorry that should say tell him you don’t like the size of his penis

Personally, all I would be saying is "goodbye".

America12 · 26/10/2022 15:07

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 26/10/2022 14:48

It's your first date and he tells you all this - you'd run a mile, right? That's how they reel you in - if he'd shown his true colours from the off you wouldn't have given him the time of day. If he was like this all the time, you would leave him. The only way to keep you on the hook is to keep you off-balance - loving one day, horrible prick the next.

If I had written your post, what would you tell me to do?

She's been with him for a year.

America12 · 26/10/2022 15:08

Tell him to fuck off and block him on everything.

WetFallingleaves · 26/10/2022 15:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Fireballxl5 · 26/10/2022 15:11

America12 · 26/10/2022 15:07

She's been with him for a year.

She knows.
It's hypothetical.
Read it again.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/10/2022 15:12

@America12 - @MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard is saying that if this absolute prize Hmm of a man had acted like this on their first date, there wouldn’t have been any more dates, but what he has done is to act all nice initially, and gradually build up the abusive behaviour over time.

@daisyblue7 - you deserve SO much better than this. Please dump his sorry arse and look for a decent man who will love, support and encourage you. They exist, I promise you.

Topseyt123 · 26/10/2022 15:21

Yes, your cousin is right. This is abuse.

Dump him, otherwise you will always be wondering when the next episode is coming and what it will be about, and that is no way to live.

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/10/2022 15:21

Please leave now before he destroys your self esteem

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

OP posts:
Ladyof2022 · 26/10/2022 15:24

The only thing you should be crying about is wasting a year of your life on this vile abuser.

Of COURSE they are not horrible all the time - they know that would not work - the woman would of course leave.

Instead of crying in the toilet you should have poured his drink or bowl of spaghetti over his head and stormed out, then blocked him.

Leave him now, or he WILL destroy your mental health.

Ladyof2022 · 26/10/2022 15:25

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

They are not like you, and they are not like me. They actually enjoy making someone cry, destroying others' self-worth.

DON'T LET HIM DO IT TO YOU.

OhCobblers · 26/10/2022 15:25

100% abuse.
12 months in and he's like this? Imagine another 2 or 3 years?

And I mean this gently and kindly OP but if you feel like this not and still question whether it's abusive then could I suggest some counselling for you and your boundaries?

Please get rid of him you deserve so much more xx

mickandrorty · 26/10/2022 15:27

used to a certain standard is laughable, he is pathetic & insecure and trying to grind you down so you will stay with him because he knows you are too good for him. LTB.

JanglyBeads · 26/10/2022 15:31

These sad men are just seeking power and control, probably because of very deep seated complex problems of their own. Not problems that any woman is going to be able to fix.

They also have a very poor view of women.

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