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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm in an abusive relationship

103 replies

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 14:46

Went out to eat with DP who I have been with for a year. He was a bit quiet so I asked him what was wrong. He replied "Can I be honest? I really don't like those leggings that you're wearing. Don't wear them around me again. You should burn them." He then spent the entire meal telling me how "out of place" I looked in comparison to other women. He even said "I scroll through Instagram on see women on there and think to myself, why doesn't my girlfriend look like that?" He said he is used to a "certain standard" of woman and I don't meet that standard. I got up from the table and locked myself in the toilet and cried. I felt absolutely shit. Pathetic and worthless. I eventually came back to the table and was visibly upset. He said I shouldn't be upset about him telling me his "preferences".

This isn't the first time he's made me feel like this. Here are some other things he's said:

  • told me he doesn't like my underwear and it puts him off me. He said I should wear thongs everyday.
  • only likes me to get my toenails painted white and questions me if I choose another colour.
  • hangs up on me and refuses to talk to me if I ever try to talk to him about how he's upset me.

I have spoken to my cousin and she said it's emotionally abusive/controlling - is this true? Writing it all down it definitely seems that way but I'm just so confused because he wasn't like this in the beginning and there are times he can be so loving and complimentary to me.

OP posts:
TheBulletThatMissed · 27/10/2022 07:26

You need to ditch him and instead of wondering what a person gets out of doing this to someone else’ self esteem - wonder why you are in this situation a year in? I’m not victim blaming but you need to work on yourself.

Polkadotpjs · 27/10/2022 07:31

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

That is his problem not yours to fix. You sound lovely and just need to walk away. No need for a message to him - just cut him off and find someone who will love your toes or not care what colour they are. You would not tell anyone else writing this to stay and put up with it. What about your " preference " to be treated well. Take care. Please LTB

Ballsaque · 27/10/2022 07:32

Absolutely agree with the others,you must leave the relationship immediately.

these things escalate. If you explain everything to him he will try and talk you round. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS and make sure you break it off and don’t look back.

I married one of these wankers,thankfully we didn’t have kids.

my current DP wouldn’t dream of telling me what to wear/sulking/silent treatment/dictate what colour nail varnish etc etc.

SideshowAuntSallly · 27/10/2022 07:36

Leave him before it gets any worse. what an arse. My ex once told me not to wear my bag a certain way as it drew attention to my boobs, then he moaned at my skirts being too short and how I should wear shorts underneath them. It got worse.

Also what is it that makes men obsessed with thongs?

Useruser1 · 27/10/2022 07:45

Saying nicely "I don't really like that thing you were wearing to be honest" is ok sometimes from either partner (maybe not a year in though)

But the way he did it, and all the other things he has said / done makes him sound terrible. Bin!

UserError012345 · 27/10/2022 07:47

Instead of going to the toilet, you should have walked out the door and never looked back.

He's shown who he is, you can either stay and become smaller and smaller or you can say FUCK YOU and dump his ass.

We get what we settle for.

Rainbowcat99 · 27/10/2022 08:00

Instead of trying to label and understand it, why not invest your energy in moving on?
Finish things today and don't look back, he is an awful, horrible man who takes pleasure out of controlling and making you feel bad. Ditch him, cut all contact and either learn how to be happy on your own or leave yourself free to meet somebody who treats you the way you deserve.

comfortablyfrumpy · 27/10/2022 08:05

I wouldn't waste your time trying to understand him, he isn't worth another thought.

Just LTB. Tell him he doesn't really meet the standard of man you are used to. Then block him. X

CallieQ · 27/10/2022 08:05

Tell him to wear thongs every day

ThatshallotBaby · 27/10/2022 08:13

Wear your leggings as much as you like, and maybe get some more.
You deserve somebody who sees you and accepts you.
Don't worry about why he does what he does, it probably comes from a place of self hatred.
Your cousin is right, he is abusive. I wish you all the very best in the future.

LunaStateOfMind · 27/10/2022 08:15

You don’t understand what he gets out of doing this because you are a better person then he is. You shouldn’t waste time trying to figure him out.

Tell him he isn’t up to your standards and get rid. You need someone who wants you for who you are and not what image you help him portray whilst on his arm.

bibliomania · 27/10/2022 08:15

He feels bigger when he makes you feel smaller.

Leaving him when he's horrible is easy enough - the tricky bit will come when he turns on the charm again. Don't fall for it. This is not salvageable.

Goingforplatinum · 27/10/2022 08:25

Tell him your are attracted to men with muscles, really resent the size if his Penis, should probably burn his tightey Whiteys and would really appreciate it if he could make you orgasm once in a while as its tiresome having to fake it 😁

thenewduchessoflapland · 27/10/2022 08:29

Tell him you're used to certain standards too and those standards include being treated with respect,not being controlled within a relationship and having praise&support from a partner.

Have a unanimous LTB.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 27/10/2022 08:34

I would agree one more date. But instead of going to the loo you just leave. Leave him sat there ...
Then erase every last memory of him. Block and delete.
Then paint your toe nails multi coloured...

comfortablyfrumpy · 27/10/2022 08:57

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 27/10/2022 08:34

I would agree one more date. But instead of going to the loo you just leave. Leave him sat there ...
Then erase every last memory of him. Block and delete.
Then paint your toe nails multi coloured...

Oooh yes good suggestion- and OP make sure you turn up to said date wearing leggings and bright nail varnish....

IHateFlies · 27/10/2022 09:33

Tell him he doesn't meet your standards of a man and you're not attracted to him anymore.

GreyCarpet · 27/10/2022 09:42

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

The two occasions I've encountered men like this, they were both insecure and feared their own inadequacies.

Some people have hierarchical self esteem and can only feel good about themselves when they know they have made someone feel bad about themselves.

Some men are truly appalling and actually genuinely believe that all women could and should look like filtered Instagram models if they only tried/cared about themselves/cared about them.

You need to reframe your thinking about this amd rather than be upset by what he says, show him you don't care what he thinks and dump him.

Allsnotwell · 27/10/2022 09:50

I agree with the not caring.

An ex bf suggested I wear thongs so I brought him some - so that didn’t last long - however I think he wouldn’t like that would he? He wouldn’t like being told what to do and and I also think that you don’t share a sense of humor together -

My friend has taken 10 years to leave a man like this - get rid of him -

When you dump him be on your guard this is when he becomes the most volatile and the most loving - he will attempt to reel you in whatever - being dumped is a huge dent in his self esteem and he’ll do anything to reclaim his property.

You will get nothing from this man

lovepostits · 27/10/2022 16:48

I really feel for you. The fact that you have even had to ask whether this is emotionally abusive or not is a clear indicator of how this horrible human being has damaged your self-esteem.
This is clearly abusive and don't expect him to change. In fact, in most cases like this the abuse only gets worse.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 27/10/2022 16:54

@daisyblue7

what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem? - control, that's what. He will slowly mould you into submission so that he can control what you wear, how you have your nails done, who you see, what you do, where you work, who you talk to. And he'll do it in a why that has you thinking it's for your own good and you're lucky to have him have your back....

Run now!

elm26 · 27/10/2022 17:20

Please leave him OP. He is a nasty abusive wanker, I hope he's an absolute oil painting himself the twat.

You deserve better x

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 27/10/2022 17:38

Is there anyway you could permanently mark him before you leave him? Maybe brand a scrotum onto his forehead? To warn other women. Joking! Haha
Anyway get rid, he is gross.

JudyGemstone · 27/10/2022 18:09

CheekyHobson · 27/10/2022 06:50

He elevates his own self-esteem in comparison. When he is the person who “gets to decide” that white is the “right” toenail colour and anything else is wrong and ugly, and you go along with what he says and only wear white nail polish, it validates the idea that his own, individual preferences (which are actually probably not his own real preferences but just based on what he thinks other people approve of) are somehow “right” or “the best”.

Of course, no reasonable person could explain why white is objectively better than red or pink or coral or blue or whatever.

Guys like this are deeply insecure and obsessed with gaining approval from other people. Anything that makes him feel he might in some way lose value in the eyes of people he has determined as “high status”
or “important” makes him deeply anxious. So if he looks on Instagram and sees that a certain type of female body is portrayed as ideal, well, his girlfriend had better look like that, because if she doesn’t, he must be somehow inferior as a man. So he devalues your dress sense in the hope that you will become just as insecure as he is and start trying to turn yourself into a facsimile of something he’s seen on Instagram (which as we all know is 90 percent smoke and mirrors).

Don’t buy this bullshit. Tell him “I’m sorry my clothing choices don’t seem to suit you. It seems like we’re not well-matched after all. I don’t want to have what I wear degraded by my partner who is supposed to love me, so If leggings are so important to you, I’m happy to let you find someone who wears the clothes you like.”

This will likely prompt a flurry of attention and reassurance from him as the only thing guys like this hate more than status anxiety is abandonment. But make no mistake, if you believe his reassurances, you will find yourself in a similar situation a little further down the line.

Dump this douchenozzle now and block his number for your own sanity.

Show quote history

This is absolutely spot on 👌🏼

but honestly, don’t waste your time on ‘why’. All that does is keep you stuck in analysis paralysis.

LadyInGreene · 27/10/2022 18:37

It doesn’t have to be this way.

This is disgusting behaviour. This sort of personality only escalates. It has already escalated and will continue to do so, take it from those who’ve been there.

Get out while you still have some strength and self esteem to do so.

Are you in a vulnerable position in your life right now? Bereaved? Health issues? Work issues? Moving home? Recently divorced/broken up/widowed?

Don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of during these times, seek support elsewhere.