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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm in an abusive relationship

103 replies

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 14:46

Went out to eat with DP who I have been with for a year. He was a bit quiet so I asked him what was wrong. He replied "Can I be honest? I really don't like those leggings that you're wearing. Don't wear them around me again. You should burn them." He then spent the entire meal telling me how "out of place" I looked in comparison to other women. He even said "I scroll through Instagram on see women on there and think to myself, why doesn't my girlfriend look like that?" He said he is used to a "certain standard" of woman and I don't meet that standard. I got up from the table and locked myself in the toilet and cried. I felt absolutely shit. Pathetic and worthless. I eventually came back to the table and was visibly upset. He said I shouldn't be upset about him telling me his "preferences".

This isn't the first time he's made me feel like this. Here are some other things he's said:

  • told me he doesn't like my underwear and it puts him off me. He said I should wear thongs everyday.
  • only likes me to get my toenails painted white and questions me if I choose another colour.
  • hangs up on me and refuses to talk to me if I ever try to talk to him about how he's upset me.

I have spoken to my cousin and she said it's emotionally abusive/controlling - is this true? Writing it all down it definitely seems that way but I'm just so confused because he wasn't like this in the beginning and there are times he can be so loving and complimentary to me.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 26/10/2022 15:33

Well he certainly doesn't think much of you does he, OP?

He clearly thinks he could do better so I would tell him to crack on. You can't be in a relationship with someone who thinks so little of you. What a horrible person he is.

fannyfartlet · 26/10/2022 15:33

I'd tell him you are used to certain standards and abusive pricks fall way below.

Birdie002 · 26/10/2022 15:34

Definitely abusive!

I was in a abusive relationship myself for almost 2 years but because I was so in love, I made excuses for his behaviour and actions. It wasn't until he then started physically abusing me in public like throwing a massive bin at me, strangling me, holding my wrists really tight, shaking me in public, making us film having sex and keeping a USB of it all. Equally he would then also be so nice to me and I would 'forget or forgive'. He then one day out of nowhere goes I can't be with you anymore as I need to marry someone from my culture and you won't do. I feel shamed that I begged him and he turned his back on me.

This is what narcissist and abusive men are like. If I was you, I would run for the hills and never look back. No man who loves you for real would ever compare or abuse you this way.

Imagine a close friend or family were telling you this is what my boyfriend was saying to me.

Good luck OP

IsThePopeCatholic · 26/10/2022 15:34

He probably hates all women, and just sees them as objects to control and manipulate. Get out before he does you any more harm. He’s dangerous.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 26/10/2022 15:39

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

You're looking for a 'why' because you want to fix him/save him.

You can't.

And even if you could, why should you? Women are not community centres for broken men.

Leave him.

Loachworks · 26/10/2022 15:46

'Used to a certain standard.' what a prick! They do it because they get off on controlling you. Please don't stay with him. If he's like this now, down to telling you what colour to paint your toe nails, just imagine what he'll be like in the future.
Apart from being complimentary, I think any partner should have an opinion on what you wear is a red flag.

Potterbore · 26/10/2022 15:49

What is it with men like this? Tell him he no longer meets your standards.
Better to be on your own and happy than with him and be subject to his abuse and control.

WetFallingleaves · 26/10/2022 15:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

redjoker · 26/10/2022 16:12

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

POWER! and CONTROL

RosesAreTheBest · 26/10/2022 18:26

This is how it started in my last relationship. He was being really quiet for a few weeks and when I asked him why, he said 'Nothing', and when I pushed he said he wasn't going to say but it was X, Y and Z, which were all things no reasonable person would have an issue with, not anyone who loved you anyway ... no actually, no one would. I promised to try to be better but when I was it turned out X, Y and Z weren't actually the issues. The issues were A, B and C. I'm four months out and still trying to get my head around it. My confidence was destroyed. I was sad all the time. He also did the same to his ex, and the one before that, and I'm sure he'll do it to the next woman. I don't know why they do it. It doesn't matter. People like that aren't capable of emotionally healthy relationships.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/10/2022 19:17

You can't understand it because you would never treat someone like this, but he is not like you and he enjoys the power that this abuse gives him. He won't change, he will just get worse, get out while you still have some self esteem.

bonzaitree · 26/10/2022 20:30

You just need to get yourself out love.

Do you live with him or have kids with him?

If not literally text him it's not working for you and you wish him well and block him on everything. Go and stay with family for a couple of days because he will defo show up at your house.

Opaljewel · 26/10/2022 20:44

If I were you I'd do freedom programme to help show you red flags in the fact. In fact, google red flags for abusive relationships. Read everything you can. It will widen your eyes. You do not deserve any of this.

pilates · 26/10/2022 21:01

💯

MrsKeats · 27/10/2022 00:31

Your cousin is right obviously.
This stuff makes me so mad-I have daughters and if they were being treated like this I would be getting involved (and the pathetic excuse for a man would need to be scared)
Just dump and block.
You deserve so much more-a high standard of respect and love.

Tallisimo · 27/10/2022 00:44

Don’t waste your time trying to understand why does it. Concentrate on ditching him pdq !

Tallisimo · 27/10/2022 00:45

*why he does it

B1rd · 27/10/2022 00:52

The whole white nail polish in a small boys vocabulary means you've got a nice pussy. That would convince me that he's a very small boy and can't cope in an adult relationship..
LTB You're far too good for him.

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 01:10

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

He gets you to stay! He knows that once you realise what a controlling arse he is, if he hasn't eroded your self-esteem, you'd leave him so he's eroding your self-worth first then you'll stay. Honestly, get out now.

NickEccles · 27/10/2022 01:20

Get rid quick! You're worth & deserve much more than this total twat can ever give you.........

Who are these nasty c**ts who treat their gf's in this way? Fucking disgrace & I doubt he even knew or cared you had been crying........Ghastly man

Fraaahnces · 27/10/2022 05:56

He is a sadist. Get rid immediately. Who cares what he thinks he deserves. Just know that everyone deserves better than him.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 27/10/2022 06:32

I feel this will be unanimous LTB

pictish · 27/10/2022 06:41

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

Power and an elevated sense of self. He feels entitled to a glamorous, sexy girlfriend whose only remit is to please him. He is genuinely annoyed that you’ve turned out to be a person in your own right. It’s how he thinks and you won’t change it.
He is abusive and you should end it.

CheekyHobson · 27/10/2022 06:50

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

He elevates his own self-esteem in comparison. When he is the person who “gets to decide” that white is the “right” toenail colour and anything else is wrong and ugly, and you go along with what he says and only wear white nail polish, it validates the idea that his own, individual preferences (which are actually probably not his own real preferences but just based on what he thinks other people approve of) are somehow “right” or “the best”.

Of course, no reasonable person could explain why white is objectively better than red or pink or coral or blue or whatever.

Guys like this are deeply insecure and obsessed with gaining approval from other people. Anything that makes him feel he might in some way lose value in the eyes of people he has determined as “high status”
or “important” makes him deeply anxious. So if he looks on Instagram and sees that a certain type of female body is portrayed as ideal, well, his girlfriend had better look like that, because if she doesn’t, he must be somehow inferior as a man. So he devalues your dress sense in the hope that you will become just as insecure as he is and start trying to turn yourself into a facsimile of something he’s seen on Instagram (which as we all know is 90 percent smoke and mirrors).

Don’t buy this bullshit. Tell him “I’m sorry my clothing choices don’t seem to suit you. It seems like we’re not well-matched after all. I don’t want to have what I wear degraded by my partner who is supposed to love me, so If leggings are so important to you, I’m happy to let you find someone who wears the clothes you like.”

This will likely prompt a flurry of attention and reassurance from him as the only thing guys like this hate more than status anxiety is abandonment. But make no mistake, if you believe his reassurances, you will find yourself in a similar situation a little further down the line.

Dump this douchenozzle now and block his number for your own sanity.

Bananalanacake · 27/10/2022 07:22

Fine, tell him to find himself a girlfriend who wears thongs every day and nothing else.

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