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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm in an abusive relationship

103 replies

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 14:46

Went out to eat with DP who I have been with for a year. He was a bit quiet so I asked him what was wrong. He replied "Can I be honest? I really don't like those leggings that you're wearing. Don't wear them around me again. You should burn them." He then spent the entire meal telling me how "out of place" I looked in comparison to other women. He even said "I scroll through Instagram on see women on there and think to myself, why doesn't my girlfriend look like that?" He said he is used to a "certain standard" of woman and I don't meet that standard. I got up from the table and locked myself in the toilet and cried. I felt absolutely shit. Pathetic and worthless. I eventually came back to the table and was visibly upset. He said I shouldn't be upset about him telling me his "preferences".

This isn't the first time he's made me feel like this. Here are some other things he's said:

  • told me he doesn't like my underwear and it puts him off me. He said I should wear thongs everyday.
  • only likes me to get my toenails painted white and questions me if I choose another colour.
  • hangs up on me and refuses to talk to me if I ever try to talk to him about how he's upset me.

I have spoken to my cousin and she said it's emotionally abusive/controlling - is this true? Writing it all down it definitely seems that way but I'm just so confused because he wasn't like this in the beginning and there are times he can be so loving and complimentary to me.

OP posts:
PorridgePowered · 27/10/2022 19:17

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

Don't try to understand him. Don't try to justify him. Don't try to 'fix' him. Take yourself, your leggings, and your brightly coloured toenails out of there!!

PotatoFamily · 27/10/2022 19:22

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

They practise ‘negging’ you because they know you are too good for them. If they clip your wings, make you small, you are more compliant.

WhatInFreshHell · 27/10/2022 19:23

Oh my goodness OP, this is one of the worst things I've read. Please don't let him destroy your self esteem, you're worth so much more. Tell him to stick it up his arse.

Youngmenogal · 27/10/2022 19:33

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 14:46

Went out to eat with DP who I have been with for a year. He was a bit quiet so I asked him what was wrong. He replied "Can I be honest? I really don't like those leggings that you're wearing. Don't wear them around me again. You should burn them." He then spent the entire meal telling me how "out of place" I looked in comparison to other women. He even said "I scroll through Instagram on see women on there and think to myself, why doesn't my girlfriend look like that?" He said he is used to a "certain standard" of woman and I don't meet that standard. I got up from the table and locked myself in the toilet and cried. I felt absolutely shit. Pathetic and worthless. I eventually came back to the table and was visibly upset. He said I shouldn't be upset about him telling me his "preferences".

This isn't the first time he's made me feel like this. Here are some other things he's said:

  • told me he doesn't like my underwear and it puts him off me. He said I should wear thongs everyday.
  • only likes me to get my toenails painted white and questions me if I choose another colour.
  • hangs up on me and refuses to talk to me if I ever try to talk to him about how he's upset me.

I have spoken to my cousin and she said it's emotionally abusive/controlling - is this true? Writing it all down it definitely seems that way but I'm just so confused because he wasn't like this in the beginning and there are times he can be so loving and complimentary to me.

Get out of the relationship now,please believe me when I say its not going to get any better.
Try and get help to leave without him knowing.

Original poster
daisyblue7 · 27/10/2022 19:34

When I tell him his comments have upset me, he says he doesn't mean them to hurt me, he just knows my "potential" and knows I can be "better". He somehow manages make it seem like he's just trying to help me be the best version of myself and I stupidly believed him! Talking to my cousin and posting this thread have made me realise this is very wrong and I cannot continue to allow someone to make me feel like this. I realise now I need to end it.

OP posts:
TheOGCCL · 27/10/2022 19:38

You're not an improvement project. You need a partner who loves you for who you are. Please get away before he destroys any more of your confidence.

Silvercurtains · 27/10/2022 19:39

I really hope you do end it. He’s not going to change. How he treats you now he’s comfortable in the relationship is how he’ll always treat you except it’ll get gradually worse. No excuses. Don’t tolerate it because he also says/does nice things. If the abuser was abusive 100% of the time, you wouldn’t be with him in the first place. Dump him asap.

madmaxine33 · 27/10/2022 19:45

Ugh I once went out with someone a bit like this although not to this level. Of course it's abusive and controlling. He's trying to change you to fit his preferences and erode your self confidence in the meantime. Once you look the way he wants will he expect you to behave like he wants? Only see the friends he approves of? Only do a job that he thinks is worthwhile? Only leave the house when he deems it necessary?

Seriously end it. Any man who treats you like this in the early days is a wanker and it'll only get worse. He should love you and appreciate you for who you are.

Babasghost · 27/10/2022 19:58

What a controlling loser he is.

You don't need some divkhead to tell you what to wear.
Who is he gok wan?
Dump the prick.
Wear exactly what YOU want to.

1Wanda1 · 27/10/2022 20:01

He's just a dickhead. Tell him that, and don't see him again. Never ceases to amaze me that anyone gets away with behaving like such an utter prick. I bet he's no Ryan Gosling! Bellend.

Imissmoominmama · 27/10/2022 20:08

My advice to you would be to tell him to fuck off. You are worth more than someone who wants to make you feel unhappy.

Imissmoominmama · 27/10/2022 20:10

And when you do tell him to fuck off, he will be devastated. He’s trying to destroy your self esteem so you’ll be grateful for his crumbs of affection.

Crush this loser.

ParsnipsAndPies · 27/10/2022 20:21

OP there are lots of online forums where men share this kind of relationship 'advice'. The aim is to keep the woman on the back foot, crush her self esteem and keep her desperate to please. It's a known thing - they even played out the scenario on Third Rock From the Sun, with Sally (who was a catch) and Don (who wasn't). It was brilliantly done - you should watch it.

Dump and move on. You are worth so much more.

User38899953 · 27/10/2022 20:27

Donepaying · 26/10/2022 14:51

Here- I've written your next text to him , hope this helps

"Dear Fred , your tiny cock , appalling BO and vile personality don't suit what I'm looking for anymore so I'll wish you well for the future . Please don't contact me again , best wishes "

Send this.

So sorry you picked a complete cunt. Move on, you deserve so much more than him.

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2022 20:41

daisyblue7 · 26/10/2022 15:23

Thanks everyone. I think I've known along but just been in denial. What I don't understand is what does anyone get from completely destroying someone's self esteem?

The same thing q bully on a playground does.
The same thing a serial killer does when he kills.

It.makes.him.feel.big.

There are people who get joy from causing pain in others. Sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, and general sadists. Your partner is one of them lot.

I hope you can get away quickly and zafely op. Perhaps speak with women's aid for advice.

On a side note, even if it wasn't abuse, you aren't happy in this relationship. The guy literally brings you to tears. Relationships are meant to make your life better and happier, if they don't, they serve no purpose. This guy does the opposite to you of making you happy! Time to go.

bonzaitree · 27/10/2022 20:42

Be careful when you leave OP. Ask your cousin for help xx

Jewel7 · 27/10/2022 21:00

Best he finds a girlfriend who “looks” the way he wants. He is going to need a lot of luck finding someone to put up with his behaviour. Run op. I was with someone like this when I was younger. It crept up on me gradually. I dislike him so much even now. I ended up scared of him. Please walk away. You deserve better.

TheBulletThatMissed · 27/10/2022 21:46

Why do you have to be “better” and WTF does that have to do with thongs and toenail colour and leggings?

Do you think Liz Truss is thinking, fuck me I wish I would have listened and not had my toes painted white else I wouldn’t have fucked up the economy. If I could have just worn my thong today, I would have nailed that speech. NOOOOOOO!!! Because none of that matters.

Fraaahnces · 27/10/2022 21:49

Let me guess…. This gnome of a man is “helping you be your best self” and is really ambitious for you. He has your whole life planned. RUN!!!

ChantelleSCC · 27/10/2022 21:52

110% emotionally abusing you and slowly breaking you down. Once your not yourself wearing the different things no make up Etc he’ll move on to trying the next thing usually isolating you so you can’t listen to other people tell you that he’s treating you wrong! You need to get out!

Brigante9 · 27/10/2022 22:09

I hope you don’t live with him. He’s an abusive prick and you are worth so much more.

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 22:11

Not often I say LTB, but this is abusive, controlling and makes you feel like shit. So you feel like shit because you look like shit (so he says) therefore you'll be so grateful to him for putting up with your substandard looks, you'll stay in this relationship

DragonflyNights · 27/10/2022 22:34

People do this sort of shit because they enjoy it, they like feeling in control and causing upset. Because they can’t get away with it 100% of the time they are also nice at times. That’s what can be confusing and is their ultimate power move - getting the person they abuse confused, upset, fearful and with low self-esteem because decent peope like you OP don’t understand that mindset - so you blame yourself or think you could be better. And people like him play on that by telling you bullshit like it’s so you can ‘improve’ yourself.

What you need to understand, which is hard, because you’re a nice person, is that people like him do it because they enjoy it. It’s not poor communications skills or a bad childhood or a defence mechanism because they just care so much or any of the other thousand excuses and reasons they will give or you will tell yourself. They do it because they enjoy it. It gives them a sense of power and control and it’s fun to see a lovely person who cares for them twist up in knots because they’ve said or done something outrageously cruel or rude.

Once you really understand that it makes leaving these sorts of inadequate dickheads much easier. And staying away from them too.

Fairislefandango · 27/10/2022 22:53

He's a piece of shit. Seriously - why in the name of all that's holy would you waste time telling him his comments upset you, rather than just saying 'You're a complete dick. See ya!'? You should have done that the first time he ever dared to belittle you.

JanglyBeads · 27/10/2022 23:03

@Fairislefandango I'm sure the OP did what seemed sensible and right to her at the time.