Gaslighting, cheating BF. What do I do?!

[alwayslemons]

Right, here goes.

Bf has been weird for the past few months. Distant and a bit checked out. Sometimes it really seemed like he didn’t like me anymore. He stopped inviting me to events with his friends, and the last one I went to (a bbq in the summer) his best mate was really odd with me. Went from proper ribbing (he’s the kind of guy who reserves the worst insults for his closest friends) to being all smiley and polite like I was a stranger.

A few weeks ago I found out bf was doing drugs, when previously he was very anti them. He lied about it to my face. Made me suddenly think - well what else has he been lying about? So I checked his phone.

Turns out he’s been cheating on me with multiple women. Summer 2021 it was with a girl in his friendship group. Then some random girls who it looks like he met online or on nights out. One night stands mostly. Then this year he had a longer fling with a girl he knows through work, and then most recently an American friend of a friend. The American one he’s been saying he loves and wants to be only with her. The work girl is a staunch Catholic who he got pregnant and pressured into having an abortion only in the last couple of weeks.

To all of them, and all of his friends, he’s been lying about me saying the most upsetting things. They all know about the American and they’re all “really happy” for him. He’s been saying I’m a gold digger and have been abusive, and that I’ve refused to have sex with him for years. We went on holiday not long ago and he told them all that we had separate hotel rooms, that I picked fights with him, and that we spent the holidays entirely apart. Utter, utter nonsense. I couldn’t believe what I was reading (although it does explain why he would only take selfies while we were away and not let me take any pics with him).

He told them he broke up with me straight after the holiday, that we’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms since, and that the only reason he hasn’t made me leave yet is because he cares for me too much. One of his female friends in particular keeps saying “kick the gold digging b*tch out haha”

So they all think I’m this evil witch and so have actively applauded his cheating (although I think they only know about the American, not the pregnant girl).

I feel sick and I don’t know what to do. Obviously I’m outta here as soon as I can afford to get a flat but I’m utterly winded that he’s managed to make all his friends (and possibly family too??) think that I’m the bad guy in this.

He has cheated before - we broke up for 18 months 6 years ago when I found out he’d been on Tinder and and was sleeping around when he went for work trips. He has always denied it despite me seeing all the messages. So yes, I feel really stupid for getting back with him and believing he’d changed. From what I’ve read I think his friends don’t know about that either and think I was just being fickle or something when I ended it back then.

I’m holding it together and I don’t want to confront him yet. I want to make him pay.

He’s so innocent looking and a real life-of-the-party type; he knows how to make people like him (my mum LOVES him and begged me to take him back after he cheated because she was sure there must’ve been some mistake - “he would never do such a thing”). When he first cheated it felt so bizarre because I trusted him so completely that it never occurred to me that he might do that. It never occurred to me to be jealous, ever. He’s really good at playing the innocent and pretending to be someone he’s not.

I want all his friends, his various girlfriends, and his family, to know he’s a lying cheating gaslighting scumbag. I’m not usually a vengeful person, but this is a different level.

What the f* do I do?

Just leave. I know it's tempting to want some big revenge, but he has already convinced people you're insane and abusive, so whatever you say/do will be seen in that light. If you have screenshots of the messages, you could post them on social media. But if you do that, be prepared for a big backlash. I wouldn't do it until you are well out of the situation, physically and emotionally.

The wisest course of action is just to leave as soon as possible. Get a credit card and use it to get yourself out of your situation. Don't tell him anything - he's only going to lie and gaslight you more. Just leave while he's at work, and block him on everything.

I’m getting caught up in the details now because if I do it that way (and I think I want to) then I don’t think I can go back. As in, I can’t just leave abruptly with a suitcase and come back a few days later to pack boxes of my stuff. He’ll be there and he’ll have questions. So when do I move all my stuff out? Should I put it into storage? Sell it? Abandon it? Sorry I’m not expecting you to have all the answers my mind is just struggling to find some order.

I suggest you sort out somewhere else to live asap then pack and leave while he's out. As others have said, his friends will always believe him over you and will continue to think the best of him. Until he's stupid/arrogant enough to shag a friend's partner.

Tell him NOTHING. Act like everything is normal.
Get a credit card if you need money fast.
Find a place, set a moving date when he'll be out/away.
Get friends and/or hire a man with van to pack and move all your stuff.
Block his number, block him on all your socials, block his friends' numbers.
You win.

Leave and be happy. That is the best revenge. When he comes crawling back (which they will, men like this need stability in al their chaos) - tell him to do one.

Leave him. Leave his friends behind. They aren't yours. Take everything that's yours. Photograph everything - but only use the evidence if directly challenged or you need to prove a lie for reasons other than revenge. Because letting your rage fuel your revenge will present you as the evil fairy at the christening, the crazy ex girlfriend. Dignity, poise and grace- plus the knowledge whichever one he's with is going to learn the reality of living with a lying, gaslighting cheat.

I'd move out when he's not there and take your stuff to a storage unit while you sort yourself out. Who cares about his friends.

I get your reasons for wanting revenge but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

Just tell him you are moving out and the least he can do is help you move your things out.

Don’t make it into a drama. Just show him you are done.

You have stayed for this long so he is going to see you as weak but if you leave with your head held high then you’ll be showing him what a good person he has lost.

If you get revenge or create drama he is going to be laughing at you and know that you still care about him.

I honestly don’t think my mum will believe it otherwise. Last time we broke up she messaged him at Christmas etc saying he was a much missed member of the family (or words to that effect).

Did she know you broke up because you found evidence of him being in tinder and cheating while away on work trips?

Your Mum is foolish, naive, deluded and disloyal.

Maybe copies of the messages will convince her this time, bug you shouldn't need evidence for your own Mum to believe and take seriously what you say. You shouldn't have to prove you're reliable or honest to her.

I'd wager she's part of the problem in you accepting this shit in a relationship.... The cheating, the alienating your friends etc.

She doesn't sound like the wise, healthy, positive role model, guide and supporter she should be to you.

How far away is your mom? Do you have any annual leave to book?

Do you have a friend or two who could help you box everything up quickly?

I feel sorry for you having to deal with a mother like that as well.

I bet being raised by her is partly why you've stayed with this shit man (no matter how much he earns) for so long.

100k salary means jack shit when he's cheating, no condoms so risking your health with stds, impregnating other women (what about when he knocks up a woman he can't manipulate and pressure into an abortion? His salary will be 12 Per Cent down for child maintenance and his partner will be playing step mummy to a child conceived while cheating on her, or maybe he'll even leave her then for the baby mama) .... Lying, gas lighting, and character assassinating you, excluding you from his social life, alienating your mates etc etc. And I bet there's more from this narc sociopath.

She seemed to think that because he didn’t admit to it that it wasn’t a conclusive thing, that I might be wrong or it might not be as bad as I believed. She said that he was obviously really sorry, and obviously really loved me, and that I should therefore give him a second chance, especially since I’d invested so much time in the relationship.

I have to admit that it broke my heart a bit. Some of my friends were amazing, they were like “he’s an arse and I’m 100% Team Alwayslemons no matter what, fuck him”. I wanted my mum to be on my side like that. I still hate that she wasn’t. I don’t want to tell her anything about this now until I’ve left and it’s over, at which point I will give her bullet points about what’s happened, make her delete and block his contact details, and tell her I never want to talk about it.

My dad was much better about it, in that he more or less pretended he never existed. But I can’t talk to him about relationship stuff (he’s very old fashioned) and also he lives abroad so the time difference makes it hard. I don’t think he liked him much anyway so he’ll be fine with it.

OK so...ì heard of this one thing where someone packed smoked fish into the curtain rail and then moved out. And the person who stayed behind was driven nuts trying to find the source of the smell. Probably an urban legend of course lol but doesn't it sound tempting!

Seriously though, you won't be able to go up against a narcissist like him and be fully successful. I mean what you could maybe do is post to fb something like 'So, it turns out that x has not only been cheating on me with several people, but also, talking absolutle shit about me to all and sundry. Às such, I've told him to away and whistle. Onwards and upwards'. Chances are he will twist it but, it will make ppl wonder about him. There's no smoke without fire. its a taste of his own medicine.

Tbh though, probably classier to just walk away.

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I wouldn't focus on the friends or family at all. I would just let the new girlfriends know. They may not listen but at least they will have been warned and can look out for signs.

🌸

But I want revenge. And I want a way to let his friends and family and new girlfriend(s) know just what a nasty, lying little prick he really is.

This is utterly pointless wasted energy that will only cause you more pain.

People will only see if someone is a bastard when they are ready to accept it. Not before. Sometimes this is never.

The best revenge is actually to walk away, get on with your life without them still controlling your thoughts (Inc desire for revenge as he's in control as long as you feel like this) and make your own happiness without any of them.

Does he have a group in whatsapp with those lovely friends of his??

I'd print every msg that you saw and send them all to his friends and family. All. Of. Them. Specially the ones about the pregnant girl and the previous cheating.

Then leave while he's out of the house, and change the locks before leaving. Throw the keys away somewhere irrecoverable on your way from his house.

Then disappear and let him boil.

Bastard.

I'd agree about the WhatsApp (or perhaps on fb) regarding anything nasty he said about anyone apart from you. And anything where he shows joy in cheating on you. But I maybe wouldn't post specific messages about things he said about you because ppl might think there's some basis in fact.

Seriously the best revenge you can give him would be to pack your bags and leave without any explanation. Then ignore any messages from him. That will send more of a message plus it will drive him up the wall.

WhatsApp group with them all in.

Post all the messages and pictures of his cheating

Then leave him.

Find a flat share and get the keys ready. Take photos of everything you have as evidence.

Find a day when he's at work all day and just get everything packed up and into a big taxi. Just go. Leave flat tidy so it takes a moment to work out. Block him.

Give it a couple of days then I'd wattsapp the evidence to his Mom and the gossipiest friend and say can you let X know I know it all, good luck with the baby and the American, can't message him as he's blocked. Keys are at X. If anyone is in touch with pregnant gf, might be worth giving her a heads up about US gf. Thanks.

Then block and don't reply.

Move on.

I'd confide in some good friends and start storing stuff at theirs so it's easier to flit in one day.

Get the messages for your own friends and mother but I wouldn't immediately share them with his side.

On the day you leave message him to say you discovered his cheating, that you were blindsided by his lies about abuse and that you're moving out. Don't say HOW you know.

Immediately after I would probably do the group WhatsApp. There I'd say that you recently discovered he's had multiple affairs and told horrible lies about you to justify them, that it's obviously over now you know but you hate the idea of having never addressed how dishonest that all was. That you wish them the best and are you're thankful you found this out now but won't keep in touch given how deceitful and and manipulative he's been.

Don't let him know you found it on his phone or have screenshots so that:
A) he can be left to squirm about who told you
B) if /when he denies any of it and you choose to share them it's only in response (please don't share the details of another woman's abortion)
...and because unless you can prove that at the same time he was telling his pals those horrible things he was telling you everything was great all it does is send them messages they already have.

...and then block him and move on, you deserve much better

Book some space at one of those self-storage places, and tell him that you are having a massive clearout of all your old stuff and taking it to the charity shop. Over the space of a couple of weeks, put as many of your precious possessions and clothes into storage that you possibly can. Leave behind all the things you don't want any more, and spread them out artistically to fill the gaps, so he doesn't notice.

Once you have done that, then you will be able to do a sudden flit with suitcases whenever you are ready.