Gaslighting, cheating BF. What do I do?!

[alwayslemons]

Right, here goes.

Bf has been weird for the past few months. Distant and a bit checked out. Sometimes it really seemed like he didn’t like me anymore. He stopped inviting me to events with his friends, and the last one I went to (a bbq in the summer) his best mate was really odd with me. Went from proper ribbing (he’s the kind of guy who reserves the worst insults for his closest friends) to being all smiley and polite like I was a stranger.

A few weeks ago I found out bf was doing drugs, when previously he was very anti them. He lied about it to my face. Made me suddenly think - well what else has he been lying about? So I checked his phone.

Turns out he’s been cheating on me with multiple women. Summer 2021 it was with a girl in his friendship group. Then some random girls who it looks like he met online or on nights out. One night stands mostly. Then this year he had a longer fling with a girl he knows through work, and then most recently an American friend of a friend. The American one he’s been saying he loves and wants to be only with her. The work girl is a staunch Catholic who he got pregnant and pressured into having an abortion only in the last couple of weeks.

To all of them, and all of his friends, he’s been lying about me saying the most upsetting things. They all know about the American and they’re all “really happy” for him. He’s been saying I’m a gold digger and have been abusive, and that I’ve refused to have sex with him for years. We went on holiday not long ago and he told them all that we had separate hotel rooms, that I picked fights with him, and that we spent the holidays entirely apart. Utter, utter nonsense. I couldn’t believe what I was reading (although it does explain why he would only take selfies while we were away and not let me take any pics with him).

He told them he broke up with me straight after the holiday, that we’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms since, and that the only reason he hasn’t made me leave yet is because he cares for me too much. One of his female friends in particular keeps saying “kick the gold digging b*tch out haha”

So they all think I’m this evil witch and so have actively applauded his cheating (although I think they only know about the American, not the pregnant girl).

I feel sick and I don’t know what to do. Obviously I’m outta here as soon as I can afford to get a flat but I’m utterly winded that he’s managed to make all his friends (and possibly family too??) think that I’m the bad guy in this.

He has cheated before - we broke up for 18 months 6 years ago when I found out he’d been on Tinder and and was sleeping around when he went for work trips. He has always denied it despite me seeing all the messages. So yes, I feel really stupid for getting back with him and believing he’d changed. From what I’ve read I think his friends don’t know about that either and think I was just being fickle or something when I ended it back then.

I’m holding it together and I don’t want to confront him yet. I want to make him pay.

He’s so innocent looking and a real life-of-the-party type; he knows how to make people like him (my mum LOVES him and begged me to take him back after he cheated because she was sure there must’ve been some mistake - “he would never do such a thing”). When he first cheated it felt so bizarre because I trusted him so completely that it never occurred to me that he might do that. It never occurred to me to be jealous, ever. He’s really good at playing the innocent and pretending to be someone he’s not.

I want all his friends, his various girlfriends, and his family, to know he’s a lying cheating gaslighting scumbag. I’m not usually a vengeful person, but this is a different level.

What the f* do I do?

Again. How is she to do this? She’s either unemployed or low income. She’s reliant on him financially.

op do you have anywhere to go, can you stay with your parents or friends? Can you afford to rent a room somewhere?

Partly - I can’t storm out with nowhere to go. I don’t live in the same city as my mum and I don’t know how long it’ll take me to find a place to stay. But also it’s partly because I feel like I need to compose myself so I know exactly what to say to him, and I need to go back through all those messages to make sure I have the evidence I need. I’m just so boiling with rage and disbelief at the moment I can hardly think straight.

No one will believe you OP, because they don't want to and it's not in their interest to find out what he is like and they have been tricked and lied to.
So a revenge mission is a waste of your energy.
Just find your way to leave and don't look back, don't waste any more time or energy.

You don't need to explain or get evidence for anything. Compose yourself - and when you are ready, just up and leave.

You don't owe this idiot anything.

I do, although as a couple we always socialised with his friends. He never made too much of an effort with mine, and one or two he managed to alienate completely. His friends are mostly uni and workmates; the same group of people for 15+ years. I have a handful of very close friends but mostly from different groups, and many have moved away over the years so I don’t see them as much. I don’t have any family nearby either.

I'd quite simply and calmly tell his family and friends that you are leaving him because he has been having affairs and lying about you behind your back.

If you start being revengeful then family and friends are more likely to believe him as you play into his hands!

What evidence do you think you need?

I don’t understand , what evidence do you need op?

look if you can’t afford to leave so aren’t going to confront him and won’t leave just say so, you are anonymous on here. All this when I get a flat, get the evidence make him pay stuff is all a bit nonsensical if the reality is you’re not going anywhere.

is what he said true, have you actually split up and he’s not kicking you out because he knows you have no where to go?

You don't need to confront him, just focus on getting out of there

Could you look into flat or house share temporarily.

It's good that you have your own mates, even if they're not easily at hand.

Would a move be possible?

To your family or friends area.

It's natural you want to confront him and present your evidence, but he lied, denied and gas lit to high heaven the last time so he'll probably just do it again.

He has a personality disorder imo and it's like trying to reason with the unreasonable. You'll not get what you want from him.

He never made too much of an effort with mine, and one or two he managed to alienate completely.

More evidence, on top of everything else, that he had always been (and will always be) a shit partner.

@LemonDrop22, You have obviously had the same experience as mine.

Op, please read @LemonDrop22 posts many times. I understand your fury, shock and need to get revenge however as mentioned previously your Ex is highly manipulative, to an extent you will struggle to comprehend.

As a result you are unlikely to win the PR battle. He has worked for a longtime to set up the smear campaign and his friends are invested in his life so it won't be dismantled quickly.

Have copies of everything you found as that will keep you strong when you have low moments and regret leaving. I was literally in shock when I discovered the extent of ExH's deception- I only discovered it whilst going through a divorce.

Similarly Ex had laid the groundwork extremely well and my family were also taken in but like you I had proof so they now accept that I had married a highly disordered individual - likely to have NPD or sociopath.

For months I was reeling from the deception and the lies continued to unravel for several years and of course he had an affair partner hidden. However I can now see (from our dc) that he is setting her up for a similar smear campaign as he keeps one part of his life hidden from her.

I only say this to make you aware that it isn't YOU. He will do this to every single person who he is involved you. Disordered individuals don't have partners, they have targets.

How old are you?

well I suppose before you move out you could try and take lots of photos of the two of you together, in your shared bed, doing things together. Set up conversations where he replies in text how great you are and all the things he thanks you for doing. Get all his friends phone numbers/email, proof of the cheating.

Then once you have moved out text/email all his friends a cold analytical resume of his lies. Admit that you are hurt about the lies told about you, but feel they need to know about the lies told to them.

Or you could just contact that one friend of his you thought had been friendly and tell him and show him physical proof.

Or you can keep quiet, but quietly contact every girlfriend he ever has. Or tell his mum.

But think carefully about this. It could backfire horribly. Your ex will be able to counter your expose in a way you cannot. If you live in a small town it might be worse.

The best advice is to leave with dignity. He will be caught out sooner or later.

Currently I have seen the various messages but I don’t have any copies of them. I want to be able to show them at least to my own friends and family - I honestly don’t think my mum will believe it otherwise. Last time we broke up she messaged him at Christmas etc saying he was a much missed member of the family (or words to that effect). I can see now the revenge thing sounds stupid and would also be shooting myself in the foot. I was just seeing red honestly. But even just for my own sanity. I want to be able to refer to all the things he’s said and done.

Op are you just making excuses so you can just stay?

Of you can gather the evidence from his phone safely, I really think its a good idea. It will help you unravel things in therapy, if you decide to go. It will help your mum understand what you've been through, so she can support you better. And it will stop you from going back, once you've left. One day you'll be able to delete it all and that will be a day to celebrate.

For those saying she has no finances/where will she go? perhaps think of it this way: if he cottons on that you know, that you start to be distant around him and he thinks you are about to leave him, he could easily ask you to leave anyway - he's already behaving differently towards you and says he loves someone else!
So you might not have a choice!

Go back to your Mums or get finances together (loan or lend) to rent a basic room somewhere before you can settle into somewhere you really want to be.

I wouldn't wait to be asked, especially after the humiliation he's put you through. What a horrible human being this man is!

Nope. He hasn’t said anything to me to even suggest he’s unhappy. It’s his odd behaviour and the drugs thing that made me suspicious. For my own sanity if nothing else I want to have a copy of all the things I read on his phone so I can refer to them if I ever need to. I do realise now there’s no way of convincing his friends that I’m not what he says I am, or that he’s in the wrong.

When I leave I will be moving into a flatshare as I won’t be able to afford anything else. I’m fine with that. I am hoping I can find something and be out within a month, and I might be able to borrow money for the first and last month to speed things along. But the thought of having this screaming, crying, world-imploding confrontation (for someone who hates confrontation at the best of times) and then having to stay in the same flat while I try and pack up my life and find somewhere to live… it just sounds so completely exhausting.

Someone earlier on here suggested I leave while he’s out and just go. That sounds easier. Cowardly, sure. But I have no problem with that after what he’s done.

What do you do? If it's not blatantly obvious already, you
part company. What are you waiting for?

Oops, sorry. Just read the rest of the thread

I'm in a similar situation but different.
I can understand wanting proof when even family members think he's this amazing person as not only does that hurt so much but makes you doubt yourself

Nothing more head fucking then the people you love and trust not believing the situation you are stuck in.

I wouldn't try show his friends there is absolutely no point and like others have said you will play right into what's he saying with the crazy partner stuff sadly.

I'd get evidence for myself then for people close to me who don't get what he's like. Maybe one his twat mates will contact you when you leave and then maybe id tell them how it is but like others are saying the best revenge would be to live a better life and to not give him the satisfaction.

OP, this is almost the mirror image of my marriage with a gaslighting wankstain ex H. Although he went one further and alienated MY friends from me with his lies(to cover up all of his cheating) including playing innocent victim to my Mum. With things such as "Mum, you really need to get YankeeScot some help. She's having so many mental issues imagining this and that" blah blah. He had a very innocent face and affect that would make people believe him,

The best thing that you can do is simply walk away. You've seen the messages, you don't need evidence. You have the evidence in your head to help guide you away from this shite. Trying for revenge is a complete waste of your time. Simply walk away from him and the people. It will eventually come to light what a lying scumbag he is. It may take some time, however, it will happen. Friends that I'd walked away from at that time that were falling for his crap did come back and apologize and I've rebuilt those relationships. Others actions were pretty outrageous and they're not worth my friendship so I've ignored attempts at contact over the years.

You need to put your energy into moving on and starting your new life away from him/them. It WILL come to light in time what a shite he is. No need to attempt to prove anything to anyone. People that lie have to keep coming up with lies to cover up their other lies. It always comes out in the wash. You need to look out for you right now. Screw the rest of them, life is a lot calmer away from all of the aggro. Best of luck. x

It's not cowardly to leave without an explanation. You owe him nothing.

The best revenge is to leave and he doesn't know why. You are back in charge and he's the one that is dumped. He will always wonder why, and wonder what you knew or figured out. He will be in the dark like you were regarding his affairs and character assassinations.

It's not weak or cowardly to just leave. If you confront him he will play the victim, you will only get angrier.

Leave without any drama or any note.

I suspect that part of the the reason your self esteem is low enough that you’ve been dating this man is because your family doesn’t believe you when you say you’ve been cheated on and treated badly.

You have few friends, a low paying job and possibly a difficult family. No wonder you’ve been hesitant to smell the coffee and leave. Stop trying to pretend things are fine. Own that you’re going through a bad patch and that things need to change. Strike out on your own path, look to improve your career and independence. Be honest and firm when asked about your choices but don’t waste time looking for other people’s approval. Expect kindness and respect from any and all future partners.

I make it sound sooo easy, though I know it’s not.

Wow that is literally the best advice. He wonder if it was one of his twat mates that tipped you off.