How long to wait for marriage?

[Holly2010]

Sorry this is a long read!

I’ve been with DP almost 6 years, living together for 3 years. We’ve discussed marriage and kids, seemed to be on the same page. I love him and our relationship is really good. I just feel we have got too comfortable as things are and we haven’t moved forward.

This past year we’ve been to 4 weddings and he knows I want to get engaged. I’m tired of waiting and I also feel like it’s pointless bringing it up as if he wanted to do it he would 😞 All our friends are married and some have kids, I don’t want to wait ages longer as I worry a lot about fertility. I also have older parents and I want them to still be young enough to have time with grandchildren.

We are in the process of buying a house but we’ve been trying to buy for over a year and two purchases fell through. We had always said let’s get the house first but it’s dragged on and I feel like we aren’t getting anywhere.

I then said I’d like to get engaged soon etc and he seemed on board but that was months ago and still nothing.

I guess what I’m asking is has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do, how long would you wait before you walk away? I’m 30.

OK, so my wife and I were in a church and couldn't have sex before marriage, so we got married after 6 months. Without that motivation, if you've basically together in every way, I can see why a guy would not see any reason to bother getting married, but I think if it matters to you, should be enough reason for him to want to do it. Is there anything in his past to make him marriage averse? Divorced parents?'

If you’ve been living together for 3 years, together for 6, and you’re 30… I wouldn’t wait around more than another few months honestly. I certainly wouldn’t buy a house together if I didn’t know marriage was firmly on the cards.

He does have divorced parents so that could be part of it, they didn’t split until he was 21 but I believe they had various issues before that. I guess I’m just worried he is dragging things along but that it won’t happen and I’ll get too old to have a family.

For fuck's sake, do not buy a house with this man. If he wanted to marry you, he would have already, at the very minimum he would have proposed without you needing to nag him.

I wouldn't invest one more day with him. You have been together for six years, that's clearly enough.

Don't buy a house until he has married you.

I was happy to buy a house first and save for a wedding, I had told him that previously. I just thought we would be engaged by now.

I waited for the same in the past and then I realised what was happening. Nothing. So I bailed ship.

You don't need a "wedding." You need a man who actually wants to marry you. He doesn't. Buying a home before marriage can be a huge mistake, and it definitely would be with your boyfriend.

I lived with my DH before we got married. We were together for 7 years before he proposed, got married a couple of years after that. I always knew it would happen though, there was never any doubt.

You could get a ring and propose to him?

We have a special holiday planned for the end of January next year so I think I will wait until Valentine’s Day then if there’s still nothing I will walk away.
I wouldn’t propose to him, it’s good for those who want to, it just isn’t something I would do myself.

What use is being engaged when what you want is to be married? If you really want to crack on with it, have a word with him and book your nearest registry office. You could be done and dusted in no time.

If you settle for being engaged he could string you along for years.

Does he actually want to get married? It's not a requirement, as long as you're mindful about covering your arse regarding finances.

We discussed it over dinner, decided we were both up for it, then I asked him.

Not sure why people wait and wait. If you want to know, talk about it.

We have been together 4 years, got engaged last year and married this Oct.

6 years is a long time to invest in someone, who doesn't look like they are on the same page.

I would tell him you want to marry next year

We were in a long distance relationship but got engaged after three years and married after six. Obviously things have been difficult during the pandemic but if he's still not wanting to plan anything then he probably never will.

I would focus on the wedding rather than the engagement because it would be too easy for him to say ok we'll get engaged but never getting round to actually getting married. Beware that if you decide to leave him, he will probably propose just to keep stringing you along.

People are telling you that if he wanted to, he would have done it by now. But I don't necessarily agree. This generation don't get married in our 20s as standard like previous generations. Most of my friends have been together throughout their 20s and just starting to engaged, kids, married, houses, in early 30s, so I would say it's quite normal and doesn't necessarily show you that his intentions arnt there.
However, I would have a proper conversation basically saying what you've said here and really make sure you're on the same page.

And obviously it's absolutely fine and normal to want to be proposed to and have a nice wedding. People on here are always quick to say, 'ask him and then go to a registry office' but realistically that's not what the majority of people want.

I'd forget about the house until after you're married.

Why should he get all the benefits of marriage without doing it?
And yes, 6 years and age 30 is plenty of time to know.
Is he the same age? Are many of his friends married?

To me, it’s not about whether he wants to get married or not, it’s that he knows you do, and has done nothing about it. has he ever said -

• I’m not actually interested in getting married because…
• I really want to get married, but I’m worried about x,y, and z…
• I only want to get married for legal reasons, so that’s not really an issue until we have kids right?

OR, is it that you both agreed that you would get married when you had a house and he LITERALLY took you at your word that you felt the same. Maybe he is too oblivious to realise that the extra year of housing problems means you feel differently now?

If it’s not the last point, then you already have your answer. He doesn’t want to marry you. Lots of people think the rest is easier to pull away from , as long as you aren’t married.

I suppose that adds up to two questions, first, does he realise the goalposts moved when buying a house became complicated, and two, has he given you any other ideas why he might be reluctant?

You don’t save for a wedding until you’re engaged.

Dont buy a house with him if you EVER want to be wed. At least in your own place you’ll be able to date and having learned from this experience you’ll get married.

You keep giving it all up. All. Of. It.

I don’t care what anyone says, if he wanted to he would.., and you’ve been giving this man the platinum package of wife benefits at baby mama rates.

He needs to step up and you also need to be prepared to walk. You can be begging him for years giving him wifely benefits and he can dump you and marry someone else. They often do this. Wake up ok? Please! Please don’t waste anymore time with someone if you want a chance at being married. At this point you’re only wasting your youth.

Wait around? Well maybe…. But show me a long time girlfriend who a man finally marries and I’ll show you a plan B/backup plan who was wed. Facts.

I think it’s moving forward nicely! Sounds like you both agreed to buy a house first then save up for the wedding? Not sure what the guy has done wrong?

After 6 years , I'd have expected a proposal by now. We are together 4 years , engaged 2, have a son and a house and get married next month. Wedding was booked when we got our house. I wouldn't be buying a home with this man, he sounds like he will just keep kicking the can down the road

If you want children with this man, marry before buying a house.

How much do you actually love this person if you’re prepared to set an imaginary deadline in your own head only and ‘walk away’ if he doesn’t meet it?!

Not much at all, surely? It’s not even worth asking him? Come on.

Why do you even want to marry him if he means so little to you?

“Being engaged” is meaningless as a status. Fixing a date and actively planning a wedding is what counts.

In the end, marriage is a social and financial contract. Something to be decided seriously and on equal terms between you both. Have you discussed the terms in which you wish to buy a house and the security you need to have children?

Does he feel the same about ‘romance’ as you?

DH and I were together 6 years before he proposed, married 6 months later. I actually did give him an ultimatum of proposal within 3 months or that’s it. (Was pretty blunt because we were fighting about something else).
Now been married umpteen years and happy together
Maybe don’t be blunt, but be honest - and don’t buy a house together until you are absolutely sure.

I would sit him down and say hey, I know we talked about buying a house first but I'd really like us to set a date to get married and start planning a wedding (it can be a fairly low key affair if worried about £). As you've talked about marriage before I'd just act as if it's already a thing - not something that happens after a formal proposal. If he comes back with 'I haven't asked you yet', then I'd say you are not sure you want to buy a house until this is settled. If he baulks, then you have your answer. Then you decide if you are happy to stay unmarried or cut your losses.