How long to wait for marriage?

[Holly2010]

Sorry this is a long read!

I’ve been with DP almost 6 years, living together for 3 years. We’ve discussed marriage and kids, seemed to be on the same page. I love him and our relationship is really good. I just feel we have got too comfortable as things are and we haven’t moved forward.

This past year we’ve been to 4 weddings and he knows I want to get engaged. I’m tired of waiting and I also feel like it’s pointless bringing it up as if he wanted to do it he would 😞 All our friends are married and some have kids, I don’t want to wait ages longer as I worry a lot about fertility. I also have older parents and I want them to still be young enough to have time with grandchildren.

We are in the process of buying a house but we’ve been trying to buy for over a year and two purchases fell through. We had always said let’s get the house first but it’s dragged on and I feel like we aren’t getting anywhere.

I then said I’d like to get engaged soon etc and he seemed on board but that was months ago and still nothing.

I guess what I’m asking is has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do, how long would you wait before you walk away? I’m 30.

After 6 years together you should at least be engaged. As it is I would want to have either no engagement or a very short one and just get married.

When you decided to live together did you not discuss marriage? If so was a rough date never thought about?

I do think after 6 years together you should be able to have a talk about what you want and see if he really does want to get married and, if so, when.

If you don't feel you can ask him outright then your relationship doesn't seem ideal

If you buy a property please buy it as tenants in common and not joint tenants.

I agree. Everyone should be tenants in common with a will in place.

I'm reading this differently from most other people I think. I would say that as you have already talked about it he considers a formal 'engagement' unnecessary as you both know you want to get married. And - as other people have said - the agreement was that you would buy the house first. I think you just need to talk to him and to tell him you have changed your mind, and that you would like to get married sooner rather than later. If I am right he will probably be quite happy with that, or he may say that he wants to buy the house first. That is a disagreement, not that he doesn't want to marry you, and you would both need to work out a compromise.
If I am wrong and he just doesn't want to marry you, you should be able to find out during that conversation. You can then decide whether it's your relationship or the marriage that is more important to you. It may be that he is a total bastard who has been stringing you along (although I don't think so) or just that he is happy not being married.

I wouldn’t propose to him, it’s good for those who want to, it just isn’t something I would do myself.

You said in your OP that if he wanted to get married he would propose. Well, the same goes for you. If you won't propose you don't want to get married that much.

You talk to him. Tell him you're 30, you want babies in the next X years and to be married first for security. It takes X months to plan a wedding. Is he on board or not because if so he needs to play ball

We got married after 10 years (a couple of months after his proposal). Registry office, just us and 2 witnesses. I didn't want any fuss or expense. We already had one child and another baby on the way when we got married. I know Mumsnet will frown upon this but it worked for us. Marriage wasn't so important to either of us but I think when we already owned a house and had children we just thought why not? May as well make it official. Its entirely up to you how long you wait. I wasn't waiting for a proposal but you are. I'd make it very clear to him that if he hasn't proposed by early next year you're thinking of reassessing the relationship. I think he deserves to know your intentions then he can choose whether to act or not.

My ex was happy to have my financial input in to buying a house together. Marriage and children were to happen at some unspecified point in the future. He then dumped me for a younger woman, she moved in the second i left and they had a baby within a year and married after their second child.

Grown ups sit down and discuss their future. They don't keep their gf dangling hoping for a proposal, nor hang around waiting for their bf to propose.

Lay your cards on the table like an adult. You want marriage, house, kids in that order. If he's on the same page then you're engaged and can crack on with planning the wedding.

You need to sit down and discuss this with him and then take it from there.
To be fair to him, you said that you'd both agreed to buy a house and then save for a wedding, so maybe he sees it that he'll propose once the house is all sorted?

Totally agree!

OP, you’re focussing on him ‘proposing’ but even if he did, if it’s taken him this long then how long will it take to be actually married?

Do you want to be married, or do you want a wedding? Different things, if you want to be married just tell him that’s what needs to happen before you buy the house.

Then just book a registry office and get married.

It seems like you’re dreaming of a romantic Disney style proposal, but you’re a grown woman and it’s not down to him to decide it’s a massive important life decision!

I wouldn’t buy a house with him until you get this sorted, and if you want kids and he’s dragging his keels now then I’d worry about where that leaves you.

Agreed, you did tell him that order, the house is taking longer so you need to spell it out that your opinion has changed, he’s not a mind reader - he’s doing what the original plan was.

You just need to have an honest conversation with him. It may not be the romantic thing to do but it’s better than being in this limbo stage. Hand him a beer and say “Dave, we’ve been together 6 years now and I’m super excited to get a house together and to move forward with our lives but I also want to be married and have kids in the next couple of years. I’m really not prepared to have you fannying about for the next 3 or 4 years to make up your mind and I’d rather you just be completely honest with me now about what you want. If you don’t want these things, and I specifically mean in a couple of years and not in some unspecified time in the future, I’d rather know now so that we can go our separate ways and I can find someone that wants the same things I do”. I’m three years older than you and I’m very much over skirting around important issues. Don’t waste your time on a man who doesn’t want to marry you (this may not be the case here but you need to be prepared to walk away if he doesn’t want what you want) and be completely direct.

I was with my DH for 7 years before we got engaged. We met in our early 20s, have always been very happy together and both agreed that we'd get married eventually... but didn't actually do anything about it until I was 30 and ready to start a family.

I will admit that I quite wanted the ring and the excitement before I actually got it, but I always felt secure and happy in the relationship and knew we'd get married before we had kids.

These are the biggest decisions you’ll ever make in life, and you should be equal partners, discussing and planning openly.,

We’ve been hugely influenced for several generations by movies and gaslighted into thinking romance is the important thing.

In the 21st century, in the western world it’s actually possible for a woman to have ownership and control if her life and body. Put that in the context of global culture and history and you’ll realise that you are unbelievably lucky.

Don’t be a passenger in the decisions that are going to have a lasting impact on your financial stability.

I am not sure what it is that you want......

• to be engaged
• to be engaged and have a definite date for marriage
• to be married
• to have a big wedding
• to have your partner propose to you
• to start a family

I think you need to disentangle all this so you are clear about your wishes; and then hold a basic discussion with your partner to see if the needs of both can be met.

• if you want to be engaged then tell him
• If you want to have a definite date for marriage - then tell him clearly.
• if you want to be married - then ask/tell him.
• if you want a big wedding then discuss this with him and find out what he wants/doesn't want.
• if you want him to propose to you, then tell him. Or you could always propose to him. A decision for a life-long commitment is not just about romantic gestures like a test he can pass or fail.
• if you want to start a family then discuss this with him

It does seem to me incredibly archaic that, in these days of equality, grown women are waiting for their partners to go down on one knee and propose when it would make lots more sense to just discuss it together in clear terms.
The underlying theme in your posts tells me that you actually do not have full trust in your partner..... that you think his wants and needs are different from yours and he is pushing these discussions down the road to put off having them, whilst keeping you on a string.

State what it is you want in words of one syllable. Make it clear that if he is not on board with it all, then he is not the man for you. A lifelong relationship demands honesty and communication, and you are not getting off on the right foot if you cannot even be frank about all this fundamental stuff.

This is really offensive and rude. Some men want to propose after moving in together - for example my DH - because they want to be married, not because it’s all about sex.

Unfortunately OP’s partner does not seem to be one of them. But your comment isn’t very nice.

I’ve had two crap proposals in my life and I’m still not married!
the first I was in a similar situation but it was a sexless relationship and I felt he only asked me because he should / pressured etc.
the second is my current dp, we’ve been happily together for 19 years. He asked me when I was having a meltdown heavily pregnant about out of wedlock births, not the most romantic!
I haven’t felt the need to be married to him really and now I am no longer that bothered, we are married in all but name. We would both rather spend the money on a holiday for our kids. The biggest issue now I suppose is the financial stability with health issues looming?
I suppose what I’m trying to say is it mattered hugely to me in my late twenties / thirties but it’s no longer the be all and end all that it used to be.

I was happy to buy a house first and save for a wedding

What are you more invested in..

• Getting married to him, or
• Having a wedding?

You need to have this discussion with him, because not knowing the difference causes a lot of miscommunication, confusion, and resentment.

You can get married for a couple of hundred pounds. But if your thing is the shiny engagement ring and big meringue dress and his isn't, you've a fundamental issue to resolve between you.

Just talk to him And ask him what he sees as the potential timeline from his point of view.

Why don't you propose?

It took us 7 years to get married but we met when we were 19 so we had to grow up a lot first. We finished uni and then moved in together. It wasn't until we were 25ish that we felt ready to think about marriage. We were engaged at 26 and married at 27.

What I would say now is go away and educate yourself on the differences between being married and not legally. Properly make sure that you understand how now being married might impact the house purchase. Make sure you understand the key differences between the relationship ending due to splitting vs dying.

Then you need to have a very unromantic talk with him about all this. It's fine to not want to be married as long as you know the legal implications of that. There are things you can do to minimise your risk without being married.

A man who sees a future with you will be open to this discussion. He will either put this paperwork in place with you, marry you or bail.

Its this. Two grown adults dont play these games. Just have a conversation about when you will be getting married and starting a family, explain that its time to make a plan now. If he says not now then you ask when he thinks he might be ready, because you arent waiting forever. But frankly if he doesnt know now whther he wants to marry and have a family with you then he never will.

So, instead of asking for what you want, you will passively-aggressively wait it out until you can't bear it any longer, then passive-aggressively leave him?

You have already discussed marriage, & he said he wanted to do it.
THAT is what makes a couple engaged - not playing games about which sex must do the asking on Trumped Up Commercial Festival Valentine's Day.

I guess what I’m asking is has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do, how long would you wait before you walk away? I’m 30.
I would not wait.
"This house business is dragging on & I want to get married. Do you still want to get married? Right, let's set the date."

Really really easy OP.
I cannot fathom why, in 2022, you are unable to ask for what you want, & walk away of he doesn't want to give it.

It does seem to me incredibly archaic that, in these days of equality, grown women are waiting for their partners to go down on one knee and propose when it would make lots more sense to just discuss it together in clear terms

Mmm, it doesn't serve us well. In our case, DH did propose, but we were young at the time and there was no waiting involved. It's not sensible to allow a particular type of proposal to be so important a factor.