How long to wait for marriage?

[Holly2010]

Sorry this is a long read!

I’ve been with DP almost 6 years, living together for 3 years. We’ve discussed marriage and kids, seemed to be on the same page. I love him and our relationship is really good. I just feel we have got too comfortable as things are and we haven’t moved forward.

This past year we’ve been to 4 weddings and he knows I want to get engaged. I’m tired of waiting and I also feel like it’s pointless bringing it up as if he wanted to do it he would 😞 All our friends are married and some have kids, I don’t want to wait ages longer as I worry a lot about fertility. I also have older parents and I want them to still be young enough to have time with grandchildren.

We are in the process of buying a house but we’ve been trying to buy for over a year and two purchases fell through. We had always said let’s get the house first but it’s dragged on and I feel like we aren’t getting anywhere.

I then said I’d like to get engaged soon etc and he seemed on board but that was months ago and still nothing.

I guess what I’m asking is has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do, how long would you wait before you walk away? I’m 30.

This! That seems absurd to me - that's you'd walk away from someone you supposedly love so much you want to spend the rest of your life with, rather than have an open and honest conversation?
As far as he knows, you're still aiming to get the house. Maybe he's saving up for a ring? They don't grow on trees.
How hard is it to say "I'm really concerned about fertility and my age, so having a family soon is important to me. I'd like to be married before that happens. Whilst buying a house is something I want, it's obviously taking some time, so I think engagement and marriage perhaps needs to be moved up our priority list. How do you feel about that?"

I think the problem is that some people like the op want their partners to want to marry them without prompting or ultimatums. And I understand that to an extent.

Men, in general, ask if that’s what they really want it. But sometimes a conversation is needed.

There’s a thread at the moment where the Op has told their partner they want them to do something, the partner has made an effort and the Op still feels annoyed because ‘they are only doing it for me because I asked’. And that’s the same situation here. It feels less special if you have to have ask.

Some people, mainly women, want the man to express it on their own as a show they want it and not just doing it because the woman wants it.

But if your partner hasn’t done it off their own back, you only have the choice of having the conversation or walking away and only the individual can choose what’s best for them.

I’m tired of waiting and I also feel like it’s pointless bringing it up as if he wanted to do it he would

This sums it up OP- you said it yourself. Don't buy a house with him to save the relationship. Be sure it is not just a big wedding you want and not marriage. And be sure there is nothing else going on- if been married is not for your dp what other options are acceptable to you both?

6 years is a long time to invest in someone and still not be sure.

There is no way I would buy a house or otherwise link myself financially to somebody I am not married to. My (now) husband and I only rented together before we were married and bought a house after we were married.

If you buy a house together you will be anchoring yourself to this man, who unfortunately doesn’t appear to want to marry you, and will make it many many times harder to walk away.

Personally I don’t see the issue. Have you discussed why with him? Does he even want to get married? Did he say it as he thought that’s what you wanted? ask your self why do you want it? Is it because it’s the done thing? Make you feel more secure? Want a party? Is that more important than being with him?

I’ve been with my DP nearly 10 years he doesn’t want to get married And I’m not fussed we love each other. If he changes his mind I’d marry him in a heartbeat but would never force that on him.

I wouldn't focus on engagement, that could drag things on a long time. Tell him you'd like to set a date for wedding. That way its on the horizon while buying a house, so there's something to work towards. Then agree a timeframe from now in which to get engaged. Dont buy a house until engaged and date set. If no engagement in say 6 month time frame, leave.

You need to get much firmer.

No house, no living together - and no relationship unless he steps up. Six years of your beautiful young life - you have already sacrificed so much to be with him. Whatever his reasons, if he loves you he will marry you - buy the house together then or walk away.

You are losing the best years of your life to someone that can not commit. Don't learn the hard way and lose everything.

You would be better on your own op.

I don’t really understand. You discussed an order that you’d like to do things in. He is following that order.

You have since decided (seemingly because everyone else is getting married) that you want to be engaged and are annoyed at him for not doing it.

Ultimatums are a terrible idea. Even ones that you just set in your head. If you really would walk away after Valentine’s Day if he doesn’t propose, save him and you the aggro and go now. You also need to be prepared for the reality of dating in your 30s… men who already have children, men who don’t want to get married again after getting divorced, men who have been single for their 20s for a reason…

DH was and still is of the opinion that the actual act of getting married doesn't matter that much since according to him it's a signature that can easily be ripped apart and it's the actual commitment, love etc that matter. Before we met he had 2 long term relationships where he bought property with his partner etc.
When we met we discussed getting married in time straight away but nothing happened for about 2 years even though we always spoke about it.
I finally sat down with him and told him that I wanted to get married soonish and that settling without marriage wouldn't suit me and gently asked about a specific timeline he might have in mind. After that point we were engaged in 3 months & got married a year later. At that point we were together 3 years and been living together for 2.
I guess he needed that gentle but serious nudge from me to make things happen and for him to understand how important it is for me.
I would give it a final go to see if he acts but if not move on.

Well that can be extremely foolish, if you or op decide to get pregnant or want to have children. You could easily end up on your own with 2/3 children in tow and no money - how are you going to work? Can you support yourself and any potential children?

Marriage offers a legal protection. You are financially entitled to half of everything - definitely not the case if you are unmarried. It offers security, which is not so important if you own half the house legally and don't have children. But if you plan to have dc you would be well advised to be married.

Do you need to save for a wedding or do you want to get married? I do wonder if for some men the thought of spending thousands of pounds on a big wedding, the whole big day centre of attention thing, holds them back.

What if you said you want to be married before buying a house, let's book the registry office and have a small wedding, we could do it in the new year, what do you think??

I wouldn't be wasting a lot more time with this man, but he needs to know how you feel, that's is approaching now or never time for you.

DH faffed around for 10 long years before we got married. I can’t even remember the proposal. I think it was after 8 years. Then once I immediately want to set a date (due to the faffing) he then started to faff again. Everything was either too expensive or not nice enough. 12 months after proposing everything was booked. Men don’t realise it is the lease romantic thing ever when they dither concerning marriage and there also appear not to know or acknowledge that a womens fertility defines as she gets older.

I was on the verge of leaving him due to his faffing and lost a lot of respect as he couldn’t make a decision. He didn’t want to say no that he didn’t want to get married as he knows that I would have been off. As far as he was concerned the status quo was fine so why do anything.

You need to make it clear where you stand (and that marriage is important otherwise he will faff after proposing) and then stick to it.

So ppl need a conversation laying it out plainly. Have you discussed timelines for these things or priorities? E.g. for us we wanted the house first for financially stability and then because of my fertility had to make a choice between getting married and starting a family. We chose the family.
When I was younger I was with someone who said he wanted to wait until he could afford to propose 'in style'. It made me so sad as everyone else was moving on with life and I really didn't want a big proposal. We got to 5 years and I left. Could it be something similar with your man? Perhaps he wanted to do something when you have the house?

Not very romantic but maybe you need a gentle conversation to lay it out for him.

I put my foot down and said no kids before marriage and he wanted kids. I told him him that if I accidentally fell pregnant then the baby would have my surname. DH (then DP) was shocked as it never occurred to him and he just assumed that any children would have his!

OP, I know you want the romantic proposal, but honestly, isn't it more important to actually be sure that you're with the right person than waiting for the perfect proposal?

If I were you I would make it very clear at this point. After six years and at age 30 it's really reasonable to be pushing for this. If you don't want to ask him yourself, ask him what's going on and that you thought you'd be engaged by now. Don't think of this as an ultimatum in any way. It's just two sensible adults discussing their plans for the future and making sure they don't go through an expensive house purchase together only to then split up later because they hadn't been clear about their wishes and intentions.

I hear you 🙂. We were together 5 yes before he proposed then 3 more years till we got marriage. His family lots of divorce, mine none. People from different backgrounds see marriage differently I think. I knew it didn't make a difference to our relationship just a difference to me. Looking back I can't believe I didn't propose, I'm sure I could have done a good one but was to focused on him doing it.
Anyway this week we have been together 30 years (since first date) have 4 kids, 1 furbaby and nice house. It all seemed so emotional at the time but just part of a longer journey. You and your partner have already been together longer than lots of marriages , I say celebrate that, be bold, don't buy a house when the market is likely to drop, buy a wedding instead 😁. Go enjoy each other ,be braver than me and ask him !

I don’t get walking away if someone hasn’t proposed. I’d at least say I don’t want to go ahead with house and life together without being married so they properly understand how much it means to you. You have discussed it before but maybe he doesn’t really know how you feel about it.

Is he generally a romantic person? Do you think he’d enjoy planning a proposal or would that not be his thing? Maybe it’s something like that that’s holding him back rather than not wanting to be married.

I don’t have a romantic proposal story but I have a good marriage. In our discussions about marriage we decided we wanted to get married and just started planning the wedding from there.

I don't think you've said op but how old are you? I'm thinking fertility issues. I had my first dc when I was 34, conceived with no problem, we started trying for our second after 3 years and it never happened. If children are what you want, then don't wait too long as you may find you miss your window.

I'm a firm believer, that if someone wants something, they will do it, if he knows you want marriage and he wanted to marry you, you'd be married already.

So you're going to buy a house now (Oct) then dump him if no proposal by Feb. Then sell the house presumably. House prices may well have fallen by then. You'll make a loss and may not be able to sell.

You've changed the timetable in your head and not discussed it with him.

I didn’t have a proposal, we just decided to get married.
‘Maybe the proposal is too much pressure and he’d rather just agree to it, or maybe he’s no intention of marrying.
Would you honestly break up if he chose to not get married ? He does get a choice in the matter, you could sort out finances/wills and live together. I personally would never get married again.

My DH needed a little "persuasion" before he proposed (we'd been together 5 years). We've been happily married for 19 years now. Just because he needs a bit of encouragement to get down on one knee does not mean that this relationship is doomed. Try spelling it out to him OP!

I don't think you necessarily need to give him an ultimatum as just be 100% clear and open on how you feel. I'd think waiting for the market to drop before buying a house would be a sensible move now anyway, and you can start planning a wedding. It doesn't have to be extravagant and there are some lovely register offices to have a more intimate ceremony if he isn't about the show of it all, focus on the reception for him!
I do think marriage before babies and house is right for financial protection and you can be clear with him on all of this.
Like others have said have the conversation then start planning the wedding. The proposal really doesn't matter. Lots of extravagant proposals don't make it as far as marriage anyway, plenty of people are great with grand, romantic gestures but rubbish at the reality of day to day life, so focus on what's important.
I think it's fine to have an honest conversation and know that if things don't proceed you'll give it til valentines. It's a reasonable time frame to have in mind, and if you don't start planning and booking something in that time, proposal or not, then yes, cut your losses.

I'd use the house purchases falling through as a springboard to have a conversation. Tell him you've been thinking and you want to change the order of things. You want to get married first and then pick up the house search after that. Draw a new line in the sand and gauge his reaction. If he really wants to marry you, this should focus his thinking (esp with rising interest rates etc) and he'll get his skates on. If there's hesitancy, then you need to have a much bigger conversation about what's really going on.

I defo wouldn't consider buying a house with someone I wasn't married to.

Marriage isn't everything. My uncle has been with my aunt for nearly 50 years, they aren't married. They have a child, bought a house etc.

I was married for 3 years and it was the worst mistake of my life as he walked away with half my inheritance as it was tied up in the house and we were married so didn't see a need for the deed of trust to be carried over from the flat we bought before marriage.

I felt pressured to get married as that was what out friends were doing and my ex kept going on about marriage, children and the family home. I regret it to this day.

100%! DH didn't feel like he could do a romantic proposal. It just wasn't his thing. We even picked the ring together with our budget in mind and then had an intimate but well planned wedding 🙂