How long to wait for marriage?

[Holly2010]

Sorry this is a long read!

I’ve been with DP almost 6 years, living together for 3 years. We’ve discussed marriage and kids, seemed to be on the same page. I love him and our relationship is really good. I just feel we have got too comfortable as things are and we haven’t moved forward.

This past year we’ve been to 4 weddings and he knows I want to get engaged. I’m tired of waiting and I also feel like it’s pointless bringing it up as if he wanted to do it he would 😞 All our friends are married and some have kids, I don’t want to wait ages longer as I worry a lot about fertility. I also have older parents and I want them to still be young enough to have time with grandchildren.

We are in the process of buying a house but we’ve been trying to buy for over a year and two purchases fell through. We had always said let’s get the house first but it’s dragged on and I feel like we aren’t getting anywhere.

I then said I’d like to get engaged soon etc and he seemed on board but that was months ago and still nothing.

I guess what I’m asking is has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do, how long would you wait before you walk away? I’m 30.

Ah, thank you, I'm with you.

No, I wouldn't want to be in that situation either!

To me it sounds like he didn't want to end up on the dreaded OLD so he did what was necessary to keep the relationship.

Why does everyone need to be married I'm in a long term relationship and not married and it's great

What's wrong with someone doing something they're not particularly bothered about for themselves, if they love you and are doing it for you because they know it's important to you? It didn't worry me that DH needed a gentle nudge. We've been happily married for 19 years now.

@abblie, because the legal rights are different.
Living with a long-term partner is fine until things go wrong.
married vs unmarried: legal rights

Why do grown adults need "nudging". You're forcing the issue, and then they remember that being single is no fun past a certain point. They're doing it out if fear of being single and alone.

Bring not married is good if you are 100% clear on the financial position etc.

For some women not being married is the best option.

Set things up legally in a way that suits you, protect your assets, protect your security accordingly.

Slightly different perspective here. I was with my partner for seven years before he actually proposed, that was around 18 months after we had bought a house. We were only able to buy a house because he received £30,000 in inheritance. I was very clear when starting the purchase that I would not proceed unless we bought the house as joint tenants. I made it very clear that I would not be willing to financially contribute to a home that I had no rights to. He was completely on the same page. I did take this as a sign that he was fully committed and we had also spoken about being married.

In his case, he didn't seem to see the urgency to get married as his own parents who are happily married now, were not married until he was around 12 years old. I told him no uncertain terms that marriage was incredibly important to me and that I would not be willing to wait that long that I needed to get married within the next couple of years. It wasn't an ultimatum as such but I explained that if he didn't feel the same that ultimately we weren't as well matched as I thought.

He did propose, and was very proactive in finding a venue and setting a date and booking the venue. He talks about the wedding a lot and I can tell he's very excited about it. He was the first one of his friends to get engaged and was 30 when he did it.

Everyone doesn't need to be married. Everyone does need to understand that there are legal differences between being married and not being married.

It's also OK to know these differences and make the informed choice to not marry.

What's not ok is to assume that law recognises non married partnerships and base your financial decisions on that assumption.

When I was 24, I wrote in my online profile on a dating site 'I am looking for my future husband to have a baby with.'

I met my husband in August, met in October, and met again in January 2005 to apply for my fiancee visa (long distant international relations).

He proposed on the phone :) on Christmas day 25.12.2004. I took a chance and said Yes as I really wanted him as my husband.

I arrived to him 01.02.2005. We had 6 months to get married. We got married in July 2005. Our son was born in April 2007.

We've been hopefully happily married for 17 years.

I never wanted to wait years or forever to get married.

In eastern Europe, many couples could get married after 1 year of dating and rarely take 2 or more years to get engaged and get married because they don't bother with expensive weddings and spend on it as little or as much as they can afford.

I would give him a deadline by Valentine's Day next year 2023 too. Talk to him about it, discuss it and make it happen.

Many men get comfortable without fully committing and getting married and need to be pressured a bit for it to happen. You need to clearly communicate the deadline you personally expect or it might never happen.

Good luck to you to get engaged soon.

Do people seriously sit around and wait to be proposed to? This is only something. I’ve seen on here and crappy romcoms. Can’t you just have a chat and pick a date?

It's an old tradition some people like.

I like it too. But I agree to wait gets you nowhere without discussing it, choosing a date together, and making it happen.

Proposing by a man means he is really genuine about it and really wants to get married and is not pressured or forced to do it with manipulations - no marriage - no future relations.

Society. Women's magazines, the wedding industry, romantic clap trap, peer pressure, Disney princesses.

Other women, sadly, The need to be the ONE HE CHOSE. An amazing proposal is also required to tell everyone about.

Despite single women being happier and the domestic burden of being married, we are all still sucked into the hype.

Do not buy a house with this man at the moment if you want to get married and have children. He’s happy to make long term commitments when it suits him and it’s to his advantage…..

I agree.

Yes.

My proposal on the phone was a funny one to tell about :)

FFS the sexist claptrap still available on MN in 2022 astounds me sometimes.

Proposing by a woman means she is really genuine about it and really wants to get married & is not pressured or forced to do it with manipulations ...

See? Makes no more sense when you swap the sexes.
Folks either want to get married or they don't.
Hinting, passive-aggressively setting secrets tests for the person you want to marry to fail, & sitting around like a fairy tale damsel does nothing for women except blight their own agency.

Do people seriously sit around and wait to be proposed to? This is only something. I’ve seen on here and crappy romcoms. Can’t you just have a chat and pick a date?
Hear hear, @Medoca

Many people treat sex as no more important than eating a packet of crisps.

Yes it’s strange to me too. What I don’t get is people have an adult conversation agreeing that they want to get married like the OP here but then wait around getting frustrated waiting on a proposal. And even think of leaving because of it.

Quite an analogy there, @ImJustMadAboutSaffron , but I see what you mean.

It's one thing to have a snog or fumble with someone but full sex on the first, 2nd or 3rd date is too soon, IMO. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I want to get to know someone first.

None of the proposed scenarios are strange to me because, I don't know, I listen and read and see what goes on a round me. It doesn't take a half wit to realise that some people think marriage is archaic, some believe they have common law rights in England and Wales, some believe it is traditional.to give the father's surname when unmarried, some want a proposal as they use it as an indication of commitment. There are all common scenarios. Some people never want kids or to be married.

My circle are all married, our sons and daughters are now marrying. So trad in that sense and most had a proposal of some sort, not a kitchen sink chat. I am divorced though, for 😃 . I literally do not have any friends, unless gay, who have not been married, at least once.

However, I don't expect everyone to marry.

I wouldn't walk away if your happy with him. He cld be planning it right now as a surprise for you!

I waited 10 years for a proposal but I was a little younger than you when he finally did. We got together when I was 17. We bought a house together when I was 22. Then several years passed all our friends were getting engaged, then married and some starting a family. I thought a proposal was coming but then I stopped hoping after a couple of years. I felt a bit embarrassed as at every wedding etc everyone going oh ur turn next 🙄

He wasn't bothered about it but knew I wanted to. I told him we wld not be starting a family until we were married.

Eventually he gave me the biggest surprise ever and proposed. I had no idea. We got married 2 years later. We've been married 7 years now and got 2 young kids. Together almost 20yrs now.

You know you want to get married. You know you want children and sooner rather than later. He knows that's what you want. Being engaged isn't the important thing (and some people who don't want to get married use 'being engaged' as a way to kick the ball down the road for a few years longer). If you want to be married, tell him you want to set your wedding date and start getting things booked. See his response.

I understand you'd like to be proposed to, but the risk is you'll wait another year, two years, five years and you'll still be waiting. And in the meantime you'll be angry you've wasted years on someone who was stringing you along and potentially missed out on finding someone to have children with.

Knowing now that he isn't serious is much better than waiting for a proposal that might never come.

And I agree with PPs. Don't buy a house until you have this resolved. It won't speed up his willingness to get married and it will make it harder to extractate yourself if it doesn't work out.

Of course he might surprise you and say yes to organising the wedding date, in which case - happy days!

(And remember that weddings don't have to be expensive. If you both really want to be married you can do it on a few hundred pounds if you want to). Don't let money be a barrier if you really want it. The wedding lasts just one day. It's the marriage that's important.