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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you were the lady your partner left his wife for....

126 replies

Littleleaves2022 · 22/10/2022 13:37

I'm just interested to hear other people's stories. My ex-husband had an affair and left me for another woman. To be honest, a few years on and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm happy and have no contact with the ex.
The lady he left me for has, over the years, has become very jealous of me and has caused various dramas. In my eyes, I see it as 'she won', and it should be me who was jealous (of course, I was in the beginning) but I guess I don't really know what goes on in her head. My ex and I were married for 24 years and have two DC.
There is ZERO chance of me getting back with Ex, but I wonder if that's what worries her?

OP posts:
Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:41

Why is she jealous of you?

Timeforanautumnal · 22/10/2022 13:42

Your long history together? Which she cannot 'compete' with?
Do you see each other in person or are these online dramas on SM for instance?

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:44

You sound quite obsessed with her to be honest. I can’t fathom why she’s jealous of you at all.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 22/10/2022 13:45

She knows he’s a cheat and that even having children or being with him for many years isn’t enough to keep him faithful, so she will feel insecure all round. She also has to live with the idea that you meant enough to him to marry and have kids, so even though he strayed, you have the ‘legitimacy’ of being the mother of his children.

I already had my own DC when I met my ex but I couldn’t shake the feeling that his ex was the one he had kids with and had proposed to, whereas I was always the ‘second’ relationship, not the ‘proper’ one.

PotatoFamily · 22/10/2022 13:46

Probably because, deep down, she knows that all relationships that start that way are tainted, and usually end in the same way. She knows she will be you one day, and she reacts to that with anger.

GreyCarpet · 22/10/2022 13:47

I doubt that she's jealous of you as much as feeling vulnerable. She knows what he's capable of and she has proof that he is willing to do it.

That must weigh pretty heavily on your mind, I'd think...

GreyCarpet · 22/10/2022 13:49

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:44

You sound quite obsessed with her to be honest. I can’t fathom why she’s jealous of you at all.

Sounds like OP has touched a nerve... she doesn't sound obsessed and, if the new woman has caused dramas, wepp, I'd probabyp wonder why too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Annabananna1 · 22/10/2022 13:54

It's probably because you have children together and were at one time a strong family unit. She can't recreate that with him.

She also knows he is a cheat.

She may feel some guilt towards you for having been a part of a situation that caused you pain but instead of being able to process and acknowledge feeling guilty she's covered it with other feelings like jealousy.

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:54

She’s not touched a nerve with me, I’ve been married for ever and he’s faithful,

but I can’t fathom why she’s very jealous of the op. I do know two people where the man after a long marriage left for another woman, but she’s not remotely jealous of his ex . Honestly I can’t get why she would be.

catneedsfeeding · 22/10/2022 13:56

I was never the OW but I believe another woman came very close to being a threat to our marriage. Various things happened which suggested she wanted my life or at least what she perceived to be my life. I think of her now as a manipulative and envious person, so I could quite see how she might have been as you describe had she 'won' my husband.

GreyCarpet · 22/10/2022 13:59

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:54

She’s not touched a nerve with me, I’ve been married for ever and he’s faithful,

but I can’t fathom why she’s very jealous of the op. I do know two people where the man after a long marriage left for another woman, but she’s not remotely jealous of his ex . Honestly I can’t get why she would be.

It's not jealousy she's feeling though.

It's most likely threat.

It might currently be directed at the OP because the OW hasn't accurately identified what she's feeling and just feels something negative and doesn't know where to put it. So she's misdirecting it at the OP and the OP is interpreting it as jealousy because it doesn't make sense to her either

People behave in odd ways. Just because the people you know didn't, doesn't mean others don't.

The older I get the less I'm surprised by the ridiculous ways in which people will behave. Especially when they feel threatened.

HumunaHey · 22/10/2022 14:00

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:54

She’s not touched a nerve with me, I’ve been married for ever and he’s faithful,

but I can’t fathom why she’s very jealous of the op. I do know two people where the man after a long marriage left for another woman, but she’s not remotely jealous of his ex . Honestly I can’t get why she would be.

So that translates to OP being obsessed?🤔

StressedToTheMaxxx · 22/10/2022 14:01

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:54

She’s not touched a nerve with me, I’ve been married for ever and he’s faithful,

but I can’t fathom why she’s very jealous of the op. I do know two people where the man after a long marriage left for another woman, but she’s not remotely jealous of his ex . Honestly I can’t get why she would be.

But you don't know these two women so how can you say she is or isn't jealous of her?

GreyCarpet · 22/10/2022 14:01

Also, the very nature of affairs is that they are exciting and shielded from the mundane every day. It's a bubble.

She knows what happens to the real life partner without the excitement of the affair.

Threatened.

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 14:02

No it’s starting a thread in mumsnet to tell everyone she is very jealous , that’s fairly obsessed to me

CookPassBabtridge · 22/10/2022 14:02

He probably talks about you positively and she'd rather he hated you which would bond them.
You have kids together.
Maybe she's discovered his bad habits and is jealous of your freedom.
Maybe you're more attractive.

Fromthedarkside · 22/10/2022 14:02

@Littleleaves2022
Why are you giving this woman headspace?

Who gives a fig what she thinks/does?

Stop making her more important than what she is.

You husband, like mine, was looking for an affair, and a woman was available. Not special, not with a golden fanny, just available.

If this is still bugging you OP you may need help to move on - and I say that kindly.

2pinkginsplease · 22/10/2022 14:03

What’s happened is that by your dh leaving you for her, she is no longer the secret, the other woman, she is his partner and has just created a vacancy. She knows what he’s capable of!

you also were together a long time, she’ll feel threatened by that.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 22/10/2022 14:07

Have you ever thought it might be what your ex has TOLD her. Maybe refused to leave you for years as he was ‘committed’ and then when he did leave, maybe he told her all the wonderful things you did, how you STILL would have him back, that you are an amazing mother or the comparisons - eg ex never moaned as much as you.

in my opinion knowing a new couple and not knowing the background the husband always spoke about the ex as above and it was to keep new wife ‘fighting’ for him all the live long day 🤷‍♀️They are now divorced and he has wife 3 and again moans that wife 3 doesn’t make Sunday lunch as nice as wife 2…… fortunately he isn’t a friend

Bumblebee413 · 22/10/2022 14:07

She's going to feel insecure because whatever the situation around the affair/ break up, because for the duration of their relationship she will know that she is with a man who has proved that he is capable of cheating. The only winner in those circumstances is the woman who is free of the man.

riotlady · 22/10/2022 14:08

I was not technically the other woman- DH was in an open relationship when we met, so his then-girlfriend was aware of me. We fell in love and he left her for me. She was a bit weird when it first happened and tried to add me on Facebook, which I declined, as she was very controlling of DH so I think she was just trying to keep tabs on him via me. She then dated his best friend for a while, which was also a bit weird, but then they broke up and I haven’t heard anything t of her in years. I don’t really think about her and I assume she’s over it too, so no obsession either way.

EndlessMagpies · 22/10/2022 14:09

She knows that he cheated before, so it is possible he could do it again.

He probably has fond memories of the life the two of you had together before his infidelity, and maybe sometimes he lets it show.

akabluebell · 22/10/2022 14:11

Do you not think it's time you let it go Op?

catneedsfeeding · 22/10/2022 14:12

Imagine all those memories he has of 24 years together. Some of them simply have to spill out occasionally in everyday conversation.
I imagine it must be really hard not to have someone to talk to about the 'old' days, when the DC were little, funny events, holidays. Perhaps he seems a bit nostalgic sometimes and she's picking up on that and projecting it onto you, OP?

catneedsfeeding · 22/10/2022 14:13

akabluebell · 22/10/2022 14:11

Do you not think it's time you let it go Op?

OP said that dramas are being created which are affecting her life. That would be difficult to ignore.