Page 3 | If you were the lady your partner left his wife for....

Littleleaves2022 · 2022-10-22T12:37:46+00:00

I'm just interested to hear other people's stories. My ex-husband had an affair and left me for another woman. To be honest, a few years on and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm happy and have no contact with the ex. The lady he left me for has, over the years, has become very jealous of me and has caused various dramas. In my eyes, I see it as 'she won', and it should be me who was jealous (of course, I was in the beginning) but I guess I don't really know what goes on in her head. My ex and I were married for 24 years and have two DC. There is ZERO chance of me getting back with Ex, but I wonder if that's what worries her?

PineappleIceCream · 22/10/2022 15:28

I don’t think the OP comes across sounding obsessed at all. Sounds like the OW is insecure as she knows the husband is a cheat. Also, I’d imagine she’s jealous as others have said of the shared history and children shared.

MyStarBoy · 22/10/2022 15:32

@Littleleaves2022
From what you said in your last post, your ex has bagged himself an irrational self-centred brat.

Serves him right, but unfortunately you’ve had to live with the nightmare fall-out of his actions.

I wonder how many times he’s regretted it.

KangarooKenny · 22/10/2022 15:34

My DM was very aware of the other woman’s jealousy, yet he left us for her, married her and had kids with her.
On a couple of occasions the OW was seen sat outside my DM’s house in her car for no reason.
When they were both dead my DF told me that my DM was by far the better person. The OW was constantly jealous ( yet both my DF and the OW had an affair with each other, so if he cheated on my DM why would she think he wouldn’t do the same to her) and she got him into financial trouble.

frazzledasarock · 22/10/2022 15:36

Because she knows she got the booby prize.

he’s now back to the nappy changing phase, their relationship which was exciting and sexy in the beginning is now mundane and exhausting.

whilst you’re swanning around looking hot, you’re kids are at the self sufficient stage, so you’ve got more time for yourself. You don’t sound bitter and demented so she knows in her heart of hearts that you’re a nice person and what she did was a shitty thing to participate in and now she’s with a man capable of leaving a two decade marriage.

So she’s in a relationship with a man who could walk out on her any time.

Newnameforthispostasiamthescarletwoman · 22/10/2022 15:46

I have name changed as i know what I'm about to write is going to probably get me an awful lot of grief!

I was the other woman and we are now happily married with an excellent relationship and no trust issues what so ever. Whilst I appreciate that we may be the minority, I wanted to voice a different view point.

Relationships break down and people cheat for a whole host of different reasons, most cheaters are scumbags but not all. I have been cheated on in previous relationships. How me and DH started is not something I am proud of AT ALL. Our specific circumstances were obscure and probably not the case for the majority of people.

I should think, if the ex's new woman has issues and is causing drama then she either doesn't trust him or is insecure herself. It would be very easy to get bogged down in leopards not changing their spots as that is pretty much what everyone says. Also, guilt has a huge part to play in post affair relationships. Both people processing the guilt and dealing with it. She probably feels guilty or even ashamed of what she played a part in and that could be making her insecure perhaps?

Obviously, every person and their relationship and dynamics are different aren't they - whether that's a "standard" relationship or post affair relationship. People are still who they are.

Isitsixoclockalready · 22/10/2022 15:47

PotatoFamily · 22/10/2022 13:46

Probably because, deep down, she knows that all relationships that start that way are tainted, and usually end in the same way. She knows she will be you one day, and she reacts to that with anger.

This. I mean how are you going to trust your new partner in this situation? Once a cheat and all that.

DahliaDreamer · 22/10/2022 15:52

As soon as he left you it created a vacancy for a new OW. Cheaters gonna cheat. I imagine she's uncomfortable about any woman your ex knows.

JustKittenAround · 22/10/2022 16:03

A lot of times it’s actually the husband who fans the flames. He might make comments about how you used to do something better or that she might try wearing your perfume as he prefers it. Or if he is a big jerk he might really use you as a way to keep her in line. During a fight he might of said something like “I should have never left my wife for you” and really got her mentally messed up.

Of course there are others as well… they might mention “oh well his ex uses to do this volunteer position!” Or talk about how you did this or that. It adds up. That’s why I think it’s so common for the other women to be obsessed.

There is also an element that now that she has “won” her prize isn’t as great. It wasn’t the prize she was after but the fight for it. Now that’s gone as you don’t care and that’s hard to give up for her. It is supposed to be peacetime but she misses the action of battle.

OP I’m glad you are enjoying your life. I hope she mellows out.

pinkolu · 22/10/2022 16:10

My exH left and. Is now living with the other woman and I feel the exact same as OP.

One example - My exH is not even "allowed" (by her) to be in the same school hall for nativity plays. We would be sitting at opposite sides of the room and wouldn't be interacting in the slightest but she can't even handle that. He's not allowed at parents nights or medical appointments either

He's the last guy on earth I'd go near after how he treated me and I'm so much happier single than I was with him but she still seems to see it as a threat

The sad thing is she seems to try to compete with me at being more fun with my Dd?! She outright asks my Dd who is funnier, who is prettier etc. It's borderline psychotic but I put it down to her own insecurities in the relationship

CookPassBabtridge · 22/10/2022 16:13

pinkolu · 22/10/2022 16:10

My exH left and. Is now living with the other woman and I feel the exact same as OP.

One example - My exH is not even "allowed" (by her) to be in the same school hall for nativity plays. We would be sitting at opposite sides of the room and wouldn't be interacting in the slightest but she can't even handle that. He's not allowed at parents nights or medical appointments either

He's the last guy on earth I'd go near after how he treated me and I'm so much happier single than I was with him but she still seems to see it as a threat

The sad thing is she seems to try to compete with me at being more fun with my Dd?! She outright asks my Dd who is funnier, who is prettier etc. It's borderline psychotic but I put it down to her own insecurities in the relationship

God this is awful. If I were the kids I would resent the stepmum not allowing my parents to be civil and share kids events/moments.

pinkolu · 22/10/2022 16:18

Littleleaves2022 · 22/10/2022 15:10

A few have asked why the OW makes things tricky. Here are a few :

1)She won't let my ex collect our kids from my front door and he instead has to park in the next door estate to wait for them.
2)She bans ex (he's pretty weak) from corresponding with me about financial/court info and insists we use lawyers, when in fact, some questions could have just been answered with a quick 'yes or no'.
3)She insisted on writing to me AND the extended family that SHE 'was going to be the next Mrs Littleleaves !'. They'd known each other for 3 months!
4)I gave my son some bits to give to his new half siblings. Just purely as I thought it was a nice thing to do and would suggest I had no hard feelings and had moved on. She packaged them up and posted them back to me!

For the sake of my kids, it would be so much easier just to have a normal, courteous relationship, like so many of my other friends have with their exes! It's so damn tedious. She's 17 years younger than me if that makes any difference.

I could literally have written this. It's identical to my situation

I see the OW as a complete control freak and that she's got to monitor every tiny aspect of his life as there's zero trust. He goes img with it as he's "made his bed" and he has nobody else....they both actually seem miserable.
I think if she's that controlling/insecure that he can't come to the door to collect his own Dd from a woman who wouldn't dream of touching him with a barge pole, how insecure and controlling must she be when he's around other women in work etc (he's not allowed to the pub). It couldn't be further from our ex marriage as I couldn't have cared less where he went or who he spoke to and I can't imagine he would've took to being controlled very well. I guess he must've accepted that's the price of being in a relationship with no trust

He now doesn't socialise with friends much as he's not allowed to without her, barely sees his own family etc.

I actually feel sorry for my Dd as she may grow up seeing this as normal behaviour in a couple

pinkolu · 22/10/2022 16:21

God this is awful. If I were the kids I would resent the stepmum not allowing my parents to be civil and share kids events/moments.

My DD is a bit young to see through it for now....he believes his excuses of work etc and I keep my mouth shut as it's not fair to upset her.

She has no idea of the affair and often asks me why her dad & SM hate me. If anything it should be the other way round but I've never said a bad word about either

A tiny part of me thinks she'll see it all one day and understand the truth but that's me being selfish. For her sake I hope she never gets dragged into it all - it's not her issues to deal with

Sideorderofchips · 22/10/2022 16:28

Are you me op?

I have same issues with ex husbands ow. She does everything possible to make life difficult for me and the kids

Minimalme · 22/10/2022 16:30

I think she must be very insecure, knowing she entered into a relationship with a man while he was married with kids.

She is trying to stop it happening to her, so has resorted to micromanaging your ex.

I would also imagine she knows her stock has been devalued in his eyes, since they now have kids together. After all, the last woman he had kids with, he cheated on...must be uncomfortable to be her.

BadNomad · 22/10/2022 16:39

Her issues are not about you. It's her partner she's trying to control because she knows what he's like. All she has "won" is someone else's cheating husband and a lifetime of paranoia. It's not much of a prize.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 22/10/2022 17:04

My friend started dating a guy who’s marriage had failed (she wasn’t the other women) but she always had problems believing he wouldn’t go back to her. She couldn’t see past their history, children etc and how they could never have any ‘firsts’ as it had already been taken by him and his wife. It didn’t last much longer

LoekMa · 22/10/2022 17:05

Sounds like a fantasy some women tell themselves to feel better.

LemonDrop22 · 22/10/2022 17:09

She sounds very very intensely insecure and territorial (and petty).

You are her enemy and will always be her enemy, even tho you are acting acting with enmity and she (co) wronged you.

I think.from previous threads she's a much younger foreigner, is that right.

LemonDrop22 · 22/10/2022 17:10

*are not acting with emnity

LemonDrop22 · 22/10/2022 17:12

Was she the one who demanded you stop using the family name you'd had for 20 plus yrs because she was now Mrs x and the only Mrs x?

okidoki72 · 22/10/2022 17:16

MyStarBoy · 22/10/2022 15:32

@Littleleaves2022
From what you said in your last post, your ex has bagged himself an irrational self-centred brat.

Serves him right, but unfortunately you’ve had to live with the nightmare fall-out of his actions.

I wonder how many times he’s regretted it.

This. Unfortunately, I do think many OWs are women who, for some reason or another didn't seem to find unattached men or who have succeeded in long term relationships. Perhaps this is because they're less socially/emotionally mature (I've met lots of OWs who on observation are quite anxious, needy, not always the most stable, and then get weird when their DH want to spend time with their children from the 1st marriage FFS). Not all, but it is really shitty being an accommodating OW when there is a wife and kids in the picture. No amount of 'they had grown apart' will wash with me. Sorry but it's just really shit when there are enough men (or women) out there.

LemonDrop22 · 22/10/2022 17:16

You have to suspect some of this craziness on their parts is misplaced guilt.

Theyve helped break up a marriage and family ... they've prob ( in their eyes) taken a man off someone.

They know it's morally wrong and they prob have religious & cultural beliefs pressing on them too ..... So they feel.guilg but they can't ever admit it or ever admit to wrong doing so they project that put as emnity and hate.

The ex wife has to be hateful and hateable and the enemy, otherwise what are they?

IncompleteSenten · 22/10/2022 17:18

People don't like to accept they are a piece of shit or have done a seriously shitty thing.
In order to successfully delude themselves that they aren't awful, they have to turn on their victim. You see it time and time and time again They hate you because they wronged you. 🤷

DahliaDreamer · 22/10/2022 18:30

IncompleteSenten · 22/10/2022 17:18

People don't like to accept they are a piece of shit or have done a seriously shitty thing.
In order to successfully delude themselves that they aren't awful, they have to turn on their victim. You see it time and time and time again They hate you because they wronged you. 🤷

This was my experience. The alternative would be to admit how badly they behaved and they aren't going to do that. So they victimized me instead.

Justasec321 · 22/10/2022 18:40

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 14:02

No it’s starting a thread in mumsnet to tell everyone she is very jealous , that’s fairly obsessed to me

You really are Bored aren't you @Boredsoentertainme !

@Littleleaves2022 he may well miss his original family and have regret. She may sense that.

Or she may want the life you have now, if she has seen you thrive.

Or - she may regreat staying with him - he may not be all she though he was

Or ..... there are so many ways to slice and dice it.

But I am happy for you!