Page 4 | If you were the lady your partner left his wife for....

Justasec321 · 22/10/2022 18:55

RosieBQ · 22/10/2022 14:56

I was once the other woman. Their marriage was breaking down and they were planning their separation when we met. We were never physically together until many months after he’d moved out but yes there was feelings so you would call it an emotional affair. We are now married with a child of our own. I certainly don’t feel any jealousy toward her at all. But I do feel anger that her rage and hatred towards us affects the children so much. She has banned them from mentioning their dad/me/their brother. She uses them as weapons to cause DH hurt but the people it ends up hurting are the children. Of course I feel guilt for what happened but mostly we all just want her to move on and be happy rather than spending her whole life obsessing over us and hating us. She hates us more than she loves the children which I just think is so sad. It’s been many years now and nothing has ever got any better. I worry for the future when there are weddings and the like. She already makes the children text to ask that we don’t attend their football matches because she’s planning to go and she won’t even be on the same field as us.

While I do not wish you any ill will Rosie the fact that you did not sleep with him means very little in this case. You both were, to all intents and purposes, laying the ground work for your future together while her marriage was breaking down. In her mind she may well have been working on fixing the relationship - but he had you lined up! I say this as someone who was in the same position as you but it was an engagement not a marriage - somewhat easier as there are no dcs in the mix.

The narative that someone, (often ex wife) goes ballistic, and gets unreasonably nasty for no reason other than ego is not one I buy very often.

Sistedtwister · 22/10/2022 19:07

With me it was a love of drama. We live in a very small gossipy village
She loved the excitement of the affair. Then the drama of discovery and him moving in and then ....... nothing. I just quietly bowed out and she couldn't handle it.
So she started running out of pubs if I went into the same one she was in , acting scared of me. I ignored it
Then she had the big destination wedding. Little does she know he turned up the week before telling me if I wanted him back I better be quick. I laughed him out of the house and ignored it.
2 month after the wedding when all the excitement had gone and everyone moved on she threw him out.
I ignored that too

thenewduchessoflapland · 22/10/2022 19:11

Did he leave you or did you find out and give him the boot so he went to her?

Upsidedownagain · 22/10/2022 19:20

Maybe she knows she is never going to get 24 years so you will always have had him longer. Maybe he is not as keen as he was and talks about you a lot. Maybe she is immature and having him isn't enough, she has to annoy you as well. Maybe she is very insecure and believes you and your ex will get back together given half a chance. Or all of these.

Can't you ignore the demands and just stay out of any drama? Don't take your kids somewhere else to be picked up, for example, let him come to you.

(Tell her about my dd's boyfriend's dad. His father is on family number 3 (yes several kids with each woman) and his mother is wife/ partner number two. Or as far as is known..... )

whumpthereitis · 22/10/2022 19:37

It’s also possible he’s badmouthed you to hell and back and she believes him 🤷🏻‍♀️

pinkolu · 22/10/2022 19:39

IncompleteSenten · 22/10/2022 17:18

People don't like to accept they are a piece of shit or have done a seriously shitty thing.
In order to successfully delude themselves that they aren't awful, they have to turn on their victim. You see it time and time and time again They hate you because they wronged you. 🤷

100% this

NotFlippinLikely · 22/10/2022 19:40

I was the OW. Now happily married to DH. No regrets. I can't begin to imagine why I would be jealous of his EXW. Maybe the whole idea is just wishful thinking on the part of 'wronged' ex-wives. A bit like the whole 'if he's done it once, he'll do it again' nonsense.

bloodyeverlastinghell · 22/10/2022 19:50

I don’t think it’s unusual. When my sisters husband left within two years he was shagging around again. His new partner, who was the ow, was left at home holding the baby. She called / text my sister wanting to swap stories essentially. Needing to know if the way he was behaving to her now matched his behaviour when he was cheating on my sister. She was also stepmother to her DS so was all very awkward.

ArtemisFlop · 22/10/2022 19:57

LemonDrop22 · 22/10/2022 17:16

You have to suspect some of this craziness on their parts is misplaced guilt.

Theyve helped break up a marriage and family ... they've prob ( in their eyes) taken a man off someone.

They know it's morally wrong and they prob have religious & cultural beliefs pressing on them too ..... So they feel.guilg but they can't ever admit it or ever admit to wrong doing so they project that put as emnity and hate.

The ex wife has to be hateful and hateable and the enemy, otherwise what are they?

This. A lot of people react with anger and aggression when they're caught out behaving unethically having tried to conceal it. Hence the trope of the crazy b#.@h and psycho ex.

Crazypaving22 · 22/10/2022 19:58

It's very common. There are different types of affairs. Exit affairs (which some posters were clearly involved in) are very different to limerant affairs. Limerant affairs come crashing down at some point. If the cheat has left their families, over what is essentially a mirage, I’m not surprised the AP hates the original partner. They will be sensing the confusion of their ‘prize’. They’ll hate the shared history. They’ll know what their prize is capable of. Also they’re unlikely to make it past 5 years statistically, cheats are 3/4 times more likely to cheat again that someone who has never cheated. They have poor odds for longevity! I know that there are posters on here waxing lyrical about their safe relationship post affair but they are statistically very rare. With that kind of level of insecurity you're going to be crazy!

ViolinPin · 22/10/2022 20:45

Because she's scared you're going to have sex with her partner, just like she did.

😂

It's called returning the favour.

girl71 · 22/10/2022 20:59

You most likely have been massive arsehole. She is probably doing her best to do right by her now DP and his ( your shared children).

Ofcourseshecan · 22/10/2022 21:03

akabluebell · 22/10/2022 14:11

Do you not think it's time you let it go Op?

OP is not the one keeping this going. She says The lady he left me for has, over the years, has become very jealous of me and has caused various dramas.

girl71 · 22/10/2022 21:08

"@Ofcourseshecan akabluebell
Do you not think it's time you let it go Op?

OP is not the one keeping this going. She says The lady he left me for has, over the years, has become very jealous of me and has caused various dramas.,

Erm, the op really does need to move on now.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/10/2022 21:21

She 'won', but let's face it, the prize ain't all that great.

Namechangingaddict · 23/10/2022 07:20

We me while we were both married but left our exes within 3 months. We're now married and have a beautiful son and family life.

Our marriage has outlived his first

JustYouWaitTillHeLeaves · 23/10/2022 07:59

I had the OW of my ex ring me at work to announce her existence. By then he was already my ex. I think she wanted an EastEnders-style showdown. She told me she'd left her husband for him. I said, "oh dear, I hope everyone is happy and healthy now".
She was bamboozled by my calm. Tedious, competitive woman. Good riddance to them both.

LoekMa · 23/10/2022 11:33

RosieBQ · 22/10/2022 14:56

I was once the other woman. Their marriage was breaking down and they were planning their separation when we met. We were never physically together until many months after he’d moved out but yes there was feelings so you would call it an emotional affair. We are now married with a child of our own. I certainly don’t feel any jealousy toward her at all. But I do feel anger that her rage and hatred towards us affects the children so much. She has banned them from mentioning their dad/me/their brother. She uses them as weapons to cause DH hurt but the people it ends up hurting are the children. Of course I feel guilt for what happened but mostly we all just want her to move on and be happy rather than spending her whole life obsessing over us and hating us. She hates us more than she loves the children which I just think is so sad. It’s been many years now and nothing has ever got any better. I worry for the future when there are weddings and the like. She already makes the children text to ask that we don’t attend their football matches because she’s planning to go and she won’t even be on the same field as us.

Women who hate their kids more than they can forgive their partners are thw worst.

Wishing you and your new family all the best 😍 everyone deserve happiness I say.

LoekMa · 23/10/2022 11:35

NotFlippinLikely · 22/10/2022 19:40

I was the OW. Now happily married to DH. No regrets. I can't begin to imagine why I would be jealous of his EXW. Maybe the whole idea is just wishful thinking on the part of 'wronged' ex-wives. A bit like the whole 'if he's done it once, he'll do it again' nonsense.

Thats exactly what it is. Called it on page 2, its wishful thinking.

Also .. yadi yada the 2nd wife won't have as much time with him, well yeah duh, who's complaining 😂

NotFlippinLikely · 23/10/2022 11:48

LoekMa · 23/10/2022 11:35

Thats exactly what it is. Called it on page 2, its wishful thinking.

Also .. yadi yada the 2nd wife won't have as much time with him, well yeah duh, who's complaining 😂

Show quote history

Not me. We'd both done our child-rearing, big mortgage, career-building years before we got together. Three lovely kids in their late 20s and independent, mortgage just paid off and contemplating dropping hours at work.

No way I'd swap that for being 25 again.

Lili132 · 23/10/2022 11:50

I was this woman although their marriage was completely broken down and he quickly came clean with her that he's moving on.
I was never jealous of his ex. We did end up having children together but if we didn't it would have everything to do with different life stage, circumstances and nothing to do with us being less important, less loved then exes to have children with. I was very confident in being the love of his life and him having a past didn't bother me.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 23/10/2022 11:53

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:44

You sound quite obsessed with her to be honest. I can’t fathom why she’s jealous of you at all.

Haha omg why are you so aggressive - did she hit a nerve?

Wheredoallthepensgo · 23/10/2022 11:56

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 14:02

No it’s starting a thread in mumsnet to tell everyone she is very jealous , that’s fairly obsessed to me

It's a discussion forum. People post all sorts of stuff on here to, you know, discuss, get others views, or just pass the time of day. That's not obsessed at all, OP could just be musing in a free moment.

If we waited for people to be "obsessed" before posting, Mumsnet would be a lot smaller and very boring.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 23/10/2022 12:17

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 14:02

No it’s starting a thread in mumsnet to tell everyone she is very jealous , that’s fairly obsessed to me

I thought the purpose of these forums was to discuss and get ideas to help with a situation the OP finds challenging and doesn't want to discuss with friends and family, get unbiased support?

By your thinking every thread starter is an obsessive.

Puppers · 23/10/2022 14:17

To the "I was the OW but I trust him and he'd never be unfaithful to me" crowd...that's what my family member said. It took her husband 30 years but he cheated on her eventually, just the same as he did his ex-wife back when current wife was the OW. Marriage vows and commitment either mean something to a person or they don't. Someone who cheats is only ever faithful while they're happy enough. Cheating is always an option to them if the relationship isn't working anymore. People don't change that much.