Page 5 | If you were the lady your partner left his wife for....

Littleleaves2022 · 2022-10-22T12:37:46+00:00

I'm just interested to hear other people's stories. My ex-husband had an affair and left me for another woman. To be honest, a few years on and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm happy and have no contact with the ex. The lady he left me for has, over the years, has become very jealous of me and has caused various dramas. In my eyes, I see it as 'she won', and it should be me who was jealous (of course, I was in the beginning) but I guess I don't really know what goes on in her head. My ex and I were married for 24 years and have two DC. There is ZERO chance of me getting back with Ex, but I wonder if that's what worries her?

ViolinPin · 23/10/2022 14:29

Puppers · 23/10/2022 14:17

To the "I was the OW but I trust him and he'd never be unfaithful to me" crowd...that's what my family member said. It took her husband 30 years but he cheated on her eventually, just the same as he did his ex-wife back when current wife was the OW. Marriage vows and commitment either mean something to a person or they don't. Someone who cheats is only ever faithful while they're happy enough. Cheating is always an option to them if the relationship isn't working anymore. People don't change that much.

Very much so, but I suppose many cheaters, end up with other cheaters so there is a balance of sorts.

Jewel7 · 23/10/2022 14:31

Trying to imagine how I would feel if I was her. At first pleased I guess as they were in love I presume? But I think I would also feel guilty for going about it that way. Maybe some situations can’t be helped. Once the novelty wore off I think I would want to forget the drama and just live. Maybe she thinks they were meant to be. However she is the one now doing the mundane washing etc. Maybe she wishes they had what you had children etc. You sound like she did you a favour. Embrace it.

Crazypaving22 · 23/10/2022 14:36

Puppers · 23/10/2022 14:17

To the "I was the OW but I trust him and he'd never be unfaithful to me" crowd...that's what my family member said. It took her husband 30 years but he cheated on her eventually, just the same as he did his ex-wife back when current wife was the OW. Marriage vows and commitment either mean something to a person or they don't. Someone who cheats is only ever faithful while they're happy enough. Cheating is always an option to them if the relationship isn't working anymore. People don't change that much.

Absolutely, it cracks me up when I read the 'this is wishful thinking' crews posts.

Their prize 'might' be faithful but chances are they're not. As I said the stats are not in the OWs favour. And that is well documented. Id be constantly looking back at the ex too in their position.

Fromthedarkside · 23/10/2022 21:50

To be fair, I have seen some marriages last (15+ years so far) when a (D)H leaves for an OW.
The common factor is that there was a power imbalance to start with - boss/secretary, manager/worker, worker/trainee - so it seems that the woman concerned 'knew her place' and wasn't likely to rock the boat....🤔

Wheredoallthepensgo · 23/10/2022 22:32

IncompleteSenten · 22/10/2022 17:18

People don't like to accept they are a piece of shit or have done a seriously shitty thing.
In order to successfully delude themselves that they aren't awful, they have to turn on their victim. You see it time and time and time again They hate you because they wronged you. 🤷

Suns it up really well

ViolinPin · 23/10/2022 23:42

I think with ow who replace wives, you are always dealing with a person with requirements. What does this man need.

A person who is willing to end marriage for x reasons, needs someone younger, slimer, sexier, wealthier, more useful, healthier, you know they have a list of requirements that led to them ending the marriage and deceiving thier previous partner.

A person like this always has an ever changing list, whereas decent people do not have these ever changing requirements, they concentrate on being thankful of what they have, appreciative and are the type not to make a list of requirements.

If you have a list maker you will always have a problem on your hands to fix.

Bumblebee413 · 26/10/2022 07:24

The 'once a cheater always a cheater' thing wasn't what I was aiming at. It isn't always the case. What is always the case is that the OW will always know that she has someone who has cheated in the past. For all those moments when she is feeling a little insecure or less. Or if she were to think how it would hurt if that ever happened to her, she is with someone who has caused that pain before. It's just not much of a 'prize' to me tbh.

BananaCocktails · 26/10/2022 08:52

you have no contact with her so how do you know she’s jealous of you?
he’s Probably thrown a Comment at her at you being better at something or whatever and she is focused on that
What kind of dramas?

Julieup2 · 26/10/2022 09:42

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 13:54

She’s not touched a nerve with me, I’ve been married for ever and he’s faithful,

but I can’t fathom why she’s very jealous of the op. I do know two people where the man after a long marriage left for another woman, but she’s not remotely jealous of his ex . Honestly I can’t get why she would be.

Maybe it’s because she had the title of wife, he clearly loved her to marry her. Who knows what her ex husband is saying? He could be saying assorts to keep the what was his side piece insecure.

im in a similar situation and the woman my husband had an affair with (I broke it off when I found out) then he is with her now has behaved like a lunatic, every opportunity slated me on fb however then started dressing the same and hair the same…..she’s caused a whole load of drama

Julieup2 · 26/10/2022 09:46

PineappleIceCream · 22/10/2022 15:28

I don’t think the OP comes across sounding obsessed at all. Sounds like the OW is insecure as she knows the husband is a cheat. Also, I’d imagine she’s jealous as others have said of the shared history and children shared.

This, totally agree

emptythelitterbox · 26/10/2022 10:53

Well she knows she with a cheat. That would be the number one reason!

The 2nd reason which is very common is triangulation

The guy will start off with slagging off his wife and going on how mean and unloving she was to him. The OW laps this up and is determined to be so much better than his mean wife. Of course it's all bollocks men say to get a shag.

So once they are together, it switches. Naturally things aren't alway rosy when real life happens and so it's prime time for the guy to big up his ex to make the OW feel bad. OW does something he does like. He would be well Ex did it this way. or ex cooks that dish so well. He was with you a long long time so he'd have plenty of stories of your happier moments to trot out to her when OW isn't behaving.

I would say those 2 reasons are the most common ones.

NotFlippinLikely · 26/10/2022 21:40

Crazypaving22 · 23/10/2022 14:36

Absolutely, it cracks me up when I read the 'this is wishful thinking' crews posts.

Their prize 'might' be faithful but chances are they're not. As I said the stats are not in the OWs favour. And that is well documented. Id be constantly looking back at the ex too in their position.

Show quote history

@Crazypaving22 would you care to share these 'well documented' stats please?

ViolinPin · 27/10/2022 01:39

Some men just ooze cheatability.

I've seen so many 2nd , 3rd time married men out with their new partners and wives just zoning out, not being present in the moment and just basically slavering into their phone 😂

Don't know why I said that.
Been out tonight and just watched this sleazbag ignoring his 2nd wife, honestly I would not put money on that one staying faithful.
Yuk

Crazypaving22 · 27/10/2022 06:46

I don't care for your sarcastic tone @NotFlippinLikely but it's really not difficult to Google 'longevity of affairs'.

You'll find a lot of articles stating that only 5-7% of affairs end in marriage and 75% of those end in divorce. Even 'if' these stats are on the conservative side that's still dire!

Shirley Glass details these statistics in her book 'not just friends'. A good read.

A 2017 study in Denver found that cheats are 3-4 times more likely to cheat again than someone who has never cheated.

My point stands, and studies support it, you may be the exception to the rule and have a happy relationship after you cheated (I have a very close friend who is in that situation too) BUT you are not the norm!

chocolatevelvet · 27/10/2022 06:50

I think the sort of woman who is attracted to someone else's husband is basically quite turned on by that fact. And even when she "has" the guy, she still has to create drama and stress - because that's just how she does relationships. She finds it attractive that someone else "wants" him, so basically has to maintain that fiction even though you've moved on. Ignore her! She's a sad woman.

Eweknowwhat · 27/10/2022 07:50

@chocolatevelvet I think the sort of woman who is attracted to someone else's husband is basically quite turned on by that fact. And even when she "has" the guy, she still has to create drama and stress - because that's just how she does relationships. She finds it attractive that someone else "wants" him, so basically has to maintain that fiction even though you've moved on. Ignore her! She's a sad woman.

I agree.
Some people mistake intensity for love, so they aren't happy unless they are in the middle of some drama.
I used to know a girl like that, who was always getting into affairs with unavailable men. The last time I saw her she was on her 6th husband. 😬

Ballsaque · 27/10/2022 08:04

Not being ‘allowed’ to handover the kids at their own home. This is ridiculous! Can’t you decide between you that this is the best thing to do and get on with it?!

She sounds like a nightmare!
And you sound dignified.

Crazypaving22 · 27/10/2022 08:34

chocolatevelvet · 27/10/2022 06:50

I think the sort of woman who is attracted to someone else's husband is basically quite turned on by that fact. And even when she "has" the guy, she still has to create drama and stress - because that's just how she does relationships. She finds it attractive that someone else "wants" him, so basically has to maintain that fiction even though you've moved on. Ignore her! She's a sad woman.

Absolutely, the drama triangle is what helps them create the 'us against the betrayed' narrative that keeps the 'soul mates' nonsense alive. When the betrayed kicks the cheat out or when they leave they're missing that third.

Yarrawonga · 27/10/2022 08:50

You'll find a lot of articles stating that only 5-7% of affairs end in marriage and 75% of those end in divorce. Even 'if' these stats are on the conservative side that's still dire!

Out of interest I did Google and found lots of articles that don’t acknowledge their sources. Or, if they do, it’s another article with the same set of figures that doesn’t acknowledge its sources. Phrases such as “Research shows” without giving any details of said “research” doesn’t inspire any confidence.

e.g.

www.worthy.com/blog/divorce/relationships/do-affair-relationships-last-after-divorce/

timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/love-sex/to-marry-or-not-to-marry-a-divorcee/articleshow/10768359.cms?

ginghamstarfish · 27/10/2022 09:00

If I were you I wouldn't give either of them a second thought. If she's 'vulnerable' or worried about him going off with someone else, then that's surely to be expected if you're the 'other woman' ... it's only a matter of time.

Crazypaving22 · 27/10/2022 09:00

'Phrases such as “Research shows” without giving any details of said “research” doesn’t inspire any confidence'

Where did I use the 'research shows'? I said stats show, which still holds up. Please don't quote me as saying something I did not.

The Denver study on cheats is official research and easily found. The statistics are all found also in Shirley glass' book.

Find me alternative statistics that imply the alternative and I'll listen. But they're not out there.

abblie · 27/10/2022 09:02

Probably insecure cos if he left his wife and children for her he will have no standards to leave her for someone else and she hasn't won you won

Successgirl2022 · 27/10/2022 09:11

abblie · 27/10/2022 09:02

Probably insecure cos if he left his wife and children for her he will have no standards to leave her for someone else and she hasn't won you won

Yes, I agree.

She is very insecure and doesn't trust him whatsoever.

Successgirl2022 · 27/10/2022 09:15

ginghamstarfish · 27/10/2022 09:00

If I were you I wouldn't give either of them a second thought. If she's 'vulnerable' or worried about him going off with someone else, then that's surely to be expected if you're the 'other woman' ... it's only a matter of time.

Not always.

Some people manage to have a family without cheating again.

But having a family without trust is very stressful, toxic, and emotionally exhausting.

Mutual Trust must be present in any healthy relationship.

Yarrawonga · 27/10/2022 09:56

Where did I use the 'research shows'?

You didn’t. However, one of the articles I linked to that uses the figures you quoted does.