If you were the lady your partner left his wife for....

[Littleleaves2022]

I'm just interested to hear other people's stories. My ex-husband had an affair and left me for another woman. To be honest, a few years on and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm happy and have no contact with the ex.
The lady he left me for has, over the years, has become very jealous of me and has caused various dramas. In my eyes, I see it as 'she won', and it should be me who was jealous (of course, I was in the beginning) but I guess I don't really know what goes on in her head. My ex and I were married for 24 years and have two DC.
There is ZERO chance of me getting back with Ex, but I wonder if that's what worries her?

The OP doesn't sound obsessed at all!

But just maybe it's not all about Op . . .

How could one ever feel secure being in a relationship with someone who cheated to be with them? I just don't get it. If they cheated once, they will do it again.

That may be so @akabluebell but it's still hard for the OP to ignore if the drama is affecting her.

I'm not waving pitchforks at OW some of the vitriol on mn is terrible, but yeh, I think she sees you as having risen above the competition she won.
She got the prize but you're absolutely flourishing without the 'prize' and that makes her feel diminished. I think. Armchair psychologist here.

I do know exceptions to this. A friend is married to somebody who had two children by the time he was about 23, he knew very early on they weren't at all compatible, but stayed until kids were about 18 and 20. He did have an affair with the woman I know but they are really good together and I'd be very surprised if he cheated on her. There's a difference between the person you choose when you're 20 and the person you choose when you're forty.

What a weird comment and nasty to boot. And then to justify it later by saying you know of one woman who started a relationship with someone else's husband and therefore you can't possibly fathom any other set of circumstances or feelings. If OP speaking about it on Mumsnet makes her obsessed, are you also obsessed for commenting? Maybe we're all obsessed!

Anyway...

No, OP you don't sound obsessed with her whatsoever. You say she's caused problems in your life so of course she'll be on your mind occasionally and you've started a thread to idly speculate. So far so normal.

I can only tell you that there's a couple in my immediate family with a similar background and wife 2 HATES ex wife with a passion. The bloke almost punishes his 2nd wife presumably because he feels guilty for being an absolute see you next Tuesday and, despite having shat on ex wife from a great height, nowadays has all the respect (guilt) in the world for her. So current wife is very jealous and bitter and a lot of it is aimed at ex wife who yes, has caused a bit of trouble over the years too. All very toxic, very miserable and about as good a cautionary tale as you could hope for. So I can see that there can be circumstances where this kind of jealousy and unpleasantness is aimed at the ex wife.

While they were having the affair he probably fed her a load of stories about what a bitch you are and how he isn’t the sort of man to normally have an affair….

I guess she’s had time to reflect and has seen you are not a bitch but you’re happily moving on with your life, perhaps she’s met friends and your children who are loyal to you, she’s probably wondering what sort of a man she’s ended up with.

@catneedsfeeding That may be so l but it's still hard for the OP to ignore if the drama is affecting her.

As we don't know what these 'dramas' are it's difficult to comment.

In any event OP needs to contact her exH and ask him to 'rein in' wife No2.

Failing that she needs legal advice.

I do know exceptions to this. A friend is married to somebody who had two children by the time he was about 23, he knew very early on they weren't at all compatible, but stayed until kids were about 18 and 20. He did have an affair with the woman I know but they are really good together and I'd be very surprised if he cheated on her. There's a difference between the person you choose when you're 20 and the person you choose when you're forty.*

This.... I have a friend in exactly the same boat. I don't buy the line, once a cheat always a cheat that gets trotted out on mumsnet. Life isn't that simple.
Back to the OP though, I'm not sure why she'd be jealous of you without more background info. I wouldn't worry about what ow is thinking anyway.

This. very wise.

I was the OW, and I know this sounds far fetched, but I literally had no clue. He apparently only officially broke up with her 18 months into our relationship (although he was not seeing her in person at all and speaking on the phone less and less). I only found out (completely by accident) 3 months before our wedding.

She would’ve had no idea up to this day but I insisted that he call her to confess and apologise. It wasn’t to hurt the ex but more because I didn’t want him to ‘get away’ with what he did and I wanted him to own up to it to her face.

I messaged her once also, because I wanted to hear her side of the story to see if it matched his while I was reeling from the shock and trying to figure out what to do about the wedding. She was ok with that and sent me quite a heartfelt response, but then her new bf (I think) saw the messages and sent me a lot of deranged nonsense. No more contact since.

Hopefully that shed some light on what might be going through her mind.

@Boredsoentertainme 'Ive been married for ages and he's faithful'...... those words initially came out of my mouth. Never be that sure....
Sorry it hit a nerve with you as another poster said.

What makes you think she’s jealous of you? What’s happened?

I was once the other woman. Their marriage was breaking down and they were planning their separation when we met. We were never physically together until many months after he’d moved out but yes there was feelings so you would call it an emotional affair. We are now married with a child of our own. I certainly don’t feel any jealousy toward her at all. But I do feel anger that her rage and hatred towards us affects the children so much. She has banned them from mentioning their dad/me/their brother. She uses them as weapons to cause DH hurt but the people it ends up hurting are the children. Of course I feel guilt for what happened but mostly we all just want her to move on and be happy rather than spending her whole life obsessing over us and hating us. She hates us more than she loves the children which I just think is so sad. It’s been many years now and nothing has ever got any better. I worry for the future when there are weddings and the like. She already makes the children text to ask that we don’t attend their football matches because she’s planning to go and she won’t even be on the same field as us.

Because you were with him before he became a cheat, when he was still a decent human being. She knows she's stuck with a man who has form for cheating and may well do it again. You had the best years with him, she's getting the dregs.

I think relationships that start with deception are always gonna have that touch of mistrust.
What kind of things is she doing (if it’s not too outing)?

Obviously I’d say rise above it, but if she’s actually causing problems that might not be possible.

He also may be playing her off against you. My ex told me that his girlfriend at the time (not the OW) “hated” me despite her and I never even being in the same country and me having no opinion about her (other than that, no your new girlfriend you’ve never met isn’t my kids stepmum). For some couples chatting shit about the ex is a bonding activity.

"Lady"?

Ladies don't fuck attached men.

She's no lady.

She's probably just paranoid he'll want back to you or something.

She’s insecure.

In my experience this happens quite a lot.

They should be concentrating on their ‘prize, but no that’s not enough - if they can, they will twist the knife and hurt you even more.

In my case the OW was insecure about me and obsessed about me a lot.

When a man adds an extra partner, even with a knowing other woman, he creates a triangulation and competition. Even if the wife doesn't know .... The ow can become v fixated on it. Even when she's apparently some the competition, she's still in that mindset.

*Even when she's apparently won the competition, she's still in that mindset.

Some people seem to be chronically envious and competitive. So they tend to always want what someone else has.

A few have asked why the OW makes things tricky. Here are a few :

1)She won't let my ex collect our kids from my front door and he instead has to park in the next door estate to wait for them.
2)She bans ex (he's pretty weak) from corresponding with me about financial/court info and insists we use lawyers, when in fact, some questions could have just been answered with a quick 'yes or no'.
3)She insisted on writing to me AND the extended family that SHE 'was going to be the next Mrs Littleleaves !'. They'd known each other for 3 months!
4)I gave my son some bits to give to his new half siblings. Just purely as I thought it was a nice thing to do and would suggest I had no hard feelings and had moved on. She packaged them up and posted them back to me!

For the sake of my kids, it would be so much easier just to have a normal, courteous relationship, like so many of my other friends have with their exes! It's so damn tedious. She's 17 years younger than me if that makes any difference.

This tends to happen a lot, no idea why, but the ow ends up being jealous of the ex wife once the dust settles. Maybe it's because the ow will almost always feel slightly unsettled at the thought of her 'now man' is capable of having an affair. That he married the wife, in the traditional sense and the ow will never have this. 20 odd years of history is a lot to complete with, even if you did 'win' (well got the booby prize in my eyes)

She sounds like a headcase tbh. Some people just love drama 🤷‍♀️