November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

@Escapingafter50years sorry you've had a tough time too. It's baffling some of the things that have been said/done to us isn't it?! Having read a few posts on here I find it quite sad how many of us there are.

I am starting to wonder if no contact would be a good idea. I'd feel terrible about it though :(

@Escapingafter50years - hang in there! My guess is that your Aunt is one of those people who don't fully understand toxic narc parents and I can imagine your DM playing the 'poor me, I'm the victim, I didn't do anything wrong'. etc Your Aunt probably believes she is doing a good thing by trying to broker a reconciliation. But you know the truth more than anyone. You certainly don't need your DM nor your Aunt's validation. Stay strong! You've been NC for so long, no good will come of this, and you will only let the poison back into your life otherwise. Situations like this involving illness are sent to try us. Turning off the phone notifications is a good idea.

@Hotchocolate101 - Yes I agree that is normal. Unfortunately, I don't think toxic parents can or ever will admit to their wrongs and terrible behaviour. Instead, they prefer to rewrite history and create a version that they can cope with. Cowards do this. They are unable to own it, acknowledge it, admit they are wrong or say sorry. However, it doesn't mean that you have to accept their version of events. When I brought up events that were hurtful to me, my parents refuse to even discuss it and pretend as if it never happened. Their favourite saying ... "let's just drop it and move on now" - which makes them feel better. Well, I've decided now to drop them and move on without them- and now I feel much better.

@MonkeyfromManchester - I'm always in awe of your stories about how you are dealing with The Hag - especially as she lives so close and she has your DH brothers at her bidding. It sounds very stressful and exhausting, but you are a testament to keeping firm boundaries and helping your DH do the same. You are good support for your DH. The Hag seems to do a great job at trying to reel you back in.

@CreatingHavoc - I'm so sorry to read your story. There are so many of us who have spent years and years putting up with their behaviour - and I think this is in a large part to the classic FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that we are brought up with. However, so many of us have woken up to their ways and as painful as it is to consider and actually go no contact - it is the only way. I also spent many years trying unsuccessfully to tell them how I felt, how hurt I was and what I wanted to change and wanted them desperately to accept me for who I am, to love me, to apologise etc. But it was never going to happen. Unfortunately for me, it took a tragedy in my life to make me realise that. Like others on here, I only wish I had realised that sooner and gone NC sooner. I was LC for nearly 20 years - but I think I just was drawing out the inevitable. Also the fact that you are consciously trying not to be like your mother to your dc, means you are already making a positive change and breaking the toxic cycle. We are here for you too x

@MyFragility thank you for your reply, you sound so kind. I think the penny dropped for me when my mum started being nasty to Dd2. Dd1 she is largely fine with but she doesn't like Dd2. Probably because she can see through her and prefers her other grandma by a long way. My Dd1 is autistic so doesn't see it and unfortunately joins in and finds it funny when my mum makes hurtful comments.

What's strange is how it took seeing it happen to one of my children for me to put a stop to it. I've not let her spend any time alone with them since she left dd2 on her own upstairs screaming and crying to the point that my neighbour 2 doors down came round to see what was happening and my mum was just stood in the kitchen ignoring her cries. I felt so bad for dd when I found out. I knew something had gone down as soon as I got back because my mum made a comment about 'Dd2 screaming her head off'. But it wasn't until my neighbour told me that she'd heard her screaming and crying from 2 doors down with the windows shut that I knew there was a real problem. Very unusual behaviour for Dd2. I won't have anyone treat my children that way. That was about 3 months ago.

My mum seems to go through phases of not wanting to see us, not wanting to help out, and then all of a sudden she wants to come round or have the dc at hers etc. I've not explicitly told her I don't want her looking after them but keep having to make excuses. I fear I will run out of excuses eventually.

@CreatingHavoc "I am starting to wonder if no contact would be a good idea. I'd feel terrible about it though :(" Yes! This is where the fear, obligation and guilt kicks in. It's not easy to overcome the conditioning that's been in place since childhood, but I would think the sooner you start, the better.

Interesting you talk about seeing how your mother behaved towards your second child is where you started opening your eyes. Unfortunately I wasn't able to, I was deep in the FOG and assumed I must have been doing something wrong, but was also very confused as my 2nd child was exceptionally well behaved, teachers, friends, parents of friends, neighbours etc. all said the same, but my "mother" kept telling me I was doing things wrong, not strict enough and lots of other stupid stuff. I was on my guard any time I brought my kids to visit (any visits to me were very short as I lived near a city where visiting me was part of another trip to an event or whatever), and to this day I regret that I didn't protect them more. It must be difficult for you trying to find excuses, and my experience is that with people like this, you are not allowed to tell them the truth, ever. So if you tell her that you are not happy with how she treats your precious child, be prepared for her wrath as you have never seen it before. But still I'd say it's worth it, the sooner we can get away from these horrendously disordered people, the better. A good therapist helps if you can manage it, but there are also plenty of online resources including this thread which for me is holding me together at the moment (thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat ).

@MyFragility My aunt and my "mother" are totally enmeshed. They don't know where one ends and the other begins. They were brought up this way and not allowed any boundaries. My aunt thinks my "mother" can do no wrong. She could literally murder people and my aunt would think they must have deserved it. Blind faith like you have never seen in your life.

You are so right about "mother" playing the victim. I recently had a message from aunt's daughter who I'm very fond of, only one not blocked, saying aunt wanted me to know "mother" not well. I reminded her that "mother" chose to completely discard me rather than see a therapist and that her last letter told me to leave me alone. Her response was that "mother" was really hurting and I said she's obviously not hurting enough to do the one thing I asked, and she is a victim in a situation of her own making.

Earlier I listened to a podcast from the psychotherapists I mentioned above on flying monkeys, and it was interesting that they discussed people being unwitting flying monkeys, I think this is the case with my cousin.

Thanks for your support, I will stay strong, I have no intention of seeing narc "mother" or aunt. I'm just dreading what's coming down the road as it feels like they want an upcoming battle when I just want them all to fuck off as far as they can, so I feel under siege at the moment.

My mum parentified me early, spent my whole childhood moaning about my dad and her hard life. Made me feel she was trapped because of me, told me my dad had said they should never have had me and she only likes babies, not children. Every feeling I had was squashed by the fact she’d had it worse. In some ways that was true - her childhood was hard. She alternated paraded me and anything I achieved and shamed me for being silly, stupid. So either way I felt completely ashamed and humiliated. I realise I’ve spent my whole life since hiding myself from people because I can’t bear to be seen.

my dad was very angry most of the time. I thought he’d kill her and stayed up wondering when to call the police many nights as a child. But he did see me and he could be tender and gentle. He did stuff with us kids.

He died over a year ago and for my mum it’s like I don’t exist any more except to do things for her. She won’t do anything to help herself. Everything is fraught and stressful and whenever she phones there is moaning about her ill health, her misery, how she hates her house and feels trapped. But it’s a never ending loop because getting her to act to solve those problems is like pushing a rock uphill.

I snapped the other day and told her I was so hurt by her constant self-sabotage and the fact she’s never once asked if I have any feelings about my dad’s death. Well of course she is now more upset than I am.

She is meant to be moving very close to me (if she can be bothered to do what’s needed) and I am desperately hoping this will mean we can have a less fraught relationship on some superficial
level where I can drop in for 10 mins then leave. But it’s so draining.

Sorry it’s long. I needed to say it somewhere that people will get it. I’m sorry we’re all dealing with these toxic relationships.

Hi Runaway1

re your comment:
"She is meant to be moving very close to me (if she can be bothered to do what’s needed) and I am desperately hoping this will mean we can have a less fraught relationship on some superficial level where I can drop in for 10 mins then leave".

That is not going to happen and you're going to have to let go of any and all residual hope that she will change. Your mother has not changed in all these intervening years. Ultimately you're going to have to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. You seem guilty too; that is one of three (the other two are fear and obligation) many such unwanted legacies such toxic types leave their now adult children.

You need both mental and physical distance from her; she potentially moving closer to you is the very last thing you need.

Your mother had a choice when it came to you and she chose to re-enact similar as was done to her.

Recovery from parentification in adulthood involves acknowledging your childhood for what it was and grieving for the childhood that you didn’t have. It involves re-parenting yourself in adulthood; learning how healthy relationships work, learning and exploring healthy boundaries in relationships, and finding ways to let go of burdens and responsibilities that are not yours to carry.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat . You’re right, I do feel guilty, very guilty for not being what she wants. Logically I think I know it’s never going to be different but I find that so hard to accept and ‘feel’. I’m actually terrified of her being so close but feel it might be easier practically.

I said nothing that was untrue, named only behaviours but I still feel a bully and I realise I’m currently too scared to speak to my sister as the burden and fallout will have landed on her.

What a mess. My dad shouldered so much of her mess I now realise. Bloody hell!

Thanks for mentioning FOG. I'd completely forgotten about that. I feel I'm stuck in the FOG but I'm aware which is even more frustrating. Now my Dsis is NC with our parents I feel this obligation to them as my mum is just moping around not helping herself etc.
I also have fear of them but fear of not having a support network (not that they are a massive support) but sometimes mum will look after DS if I'm stuck for childcare.
I don't know if I feel any guilt because I know what happened to me as a child was not my fault.

@Escapingafter50years I really feel for you. My mother died in June. I'd been NC with her and my entire FOO for about 5 years. My toxic sister was running the show and I'd had enough of all of them. I'd been subjected to terrible violence throughout my childhood and had become the family whipping boy/scapegoat.

The shit show after her death was quite something to behold. Toxic Sister and BIL had been very busy removing me as executor, removing the grandchildren from the will, and covering their tracks.

However - now that she's dead and I've had a few months to gain perspective, I realise that I never liked her. Everything I did was driven by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) which had been beaten into me. I'm glad she's dead and glad it's over.

I totally get that this is a difficult, emotional and confusing time. Hold steady, keep to your boundaries and remember that none of this is your fault.

Runaway1

Determine why you feel guilty. Be sure you understand why you’re feeling guilty. What did you do wrong? Did you really do anything wrong? Avoid feeling guilty for things outside of your control like your mother. You are only responsible for your own self, not her in any way.

Once you forgive yourself, the guilt is gone. If you actually did something that warrants guilt, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine that the error you made happened to you. You’d probably forgive the other person without too much fuss. You should treat yourself at least as well! Notice how much easier it is for you to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself. You should be the best friend you’ll ever have. Treat yourself like it.

At some point, you have to let it go and get on with your life. There’s no value in holding on to guilt. Guilty feelings suggest that you did something wrong and need to learn from it. Your mother continues to manipulate you even now as an adult; you need to see her manipulation for what it really is and release the guilt.
The guilt isn’t healthy and it is keeping you stuck! Now it’s time to set yourself free. Allow yourself to move forward from your guilt.

What does your mother want you to be?. Her sole carer?. An extension of her? You are your own person with agency. She is not yours to carry and you are under no obligation to do anything for her now. You do not owe her anything least of all a relationship here.

How are relations between you and your sister?.

Difficult questions, Attila. I feel guilt because she’s so unhappy. But I can’t change that and I have tried! It isn’t mine to carry but I don’t know how to
put it down.

I think she’d like me to be the mirror in Snow White, telling her she’s the most wonderful (and hard-done-by) of them all. But I’m more like Jiminy Cricket to her Pinocchio as I see her actions for reality, not the fantasy of herself. Ultimately I feel she would like me not to exist.

So if that’s true, then it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t contact her.

I don’t know where I am with my sister. We are close but I think she’ll be angry and disappointed in me for provoking mum.

It is not your fault she is unhappy and you are not responsible for the actions and choices of anyone else.

You cannot heal her pain and it is not your job to do so either. She parentified you and this did you much harm as a result; emotional harm that remains with you to this very day.

I think my mother only had children thinking that it would heal all the troubles from her own childhood...of course, it didn't. It's a rubbish reason to have children. I think it actually made things worse, my mother seemed to honestly resent having to be nice to us, to give us things she hadn't had.

Didn't help that my father never wanted children in the first place. It was the late 60s, my mother is Catholic so they HAD to get married. My mother had only been with my father 6 months when she fell pregnant...she was 25 and he had just turned 20.

So they were both terrible parents. My mother cared more about her marriage than her children...my father cared for neither. He was unfaithful for the 20 odd years they were married, finally left her for another woman when I was 21. 30 years later he's still with the other woman, and has been married to her longer than he was married to my mother.

FOG - I know it so well. As the only girl I was forced to be her confidant, counsellor from a very young age...before I was 10. Totally totally unfair thing to do to a child. That got worse as I got older, I ended up with serious mental health problems and first tried to kill myself when I was 17. I now live on the other side of the world from my mother, and only have very limited contact with her...I've not seen her in 13 years. I've not had children of my own and neither have my siblings.

My anger and sorrow at my childhood has only got worse since I entered my 40s/50s...I'm encouraged to 'forgive' but as my mother has never shown any hint of remorse about what happened I don't see why I should. To me, it would be like pretending that what happened, didn't happen or wasn't that serious. I'm not willing to do that.

@Runaway1 has your mum and my toxic MIL aka The Hag been scheming together?
Cut from the same cloth: constant moaning about things only they can control and wanting to move in

Some advice on your mum moving nearer:

From bitter experience of living 10 minutes walk from The Hag

Don't get sucked into being on constant duty
Don't establish a routine where there are set days when you do things with her or for her, this way total control of you lies
Keep boundaries
Keep her out of your house as much as possible
Arrange for other people yo look after pets/house/plants when you are away, ‘helping out’ gives her an in to your home
Don’t encourage ‘popping in’ - it's not a good time, I'm going out, x is coming round
Keep your life/friends/interests very separate to her, else you'll be swamped
Arrange - if she needs it - social services, carers, alarm pendants if she's infirm
Don't be guilt tripped ‘here are the things you can do out of the house’, then roadblock the moaning ‘i gave you the list, sorry I cant do more, you have the responsibility
Don't get into the habit of taking her to the supermarket, appointments etc
Don't become her taxi driver, give her a number
No phone call every night

These are all things we put into place with The Hag.

Even though, she's still a total abusive coercive narcissist psycho, this has really helped me and my partner.

She's got the message that she's not welcome.

She hasn't been in this house since March 2021. I've seen her three times since then when I've had to and not spoken to her on the phone. I see her at Xmas here (UNFORTUNATELY)

The visit will be two hours, I've planned it to the letter.

@sianiboo so sorry you had this awful childhood. Good for to seeing what your parents were. That helps immeasurably. My Partner now sees his mother for what she is. Glad you've not fallen into the forgiveness trap. We all know that we will never get a genuine apology as they don't feel they are responsible or that you are at fault. Mentalists.

@Hotchocolate101 don't feel guilty. Not your fault.

@CreatingHavoc grim. Don't feel guilty about not seeing it with your children. You were conditioned.

@Escapingafter50years the same as I've said to @CreatingHavoc it's the conditioning and then we open our eyes. MM now has his eyes wide open. The Hag hates it.

@MyFragility it's exhausting or it was. Practice makes perfect. 😉

I’ve name changed as I don’t want this related to my other posts.
I have lurked on this thread for a long time. I am not sure if this is the right place to put this. I can’t sleep and my heads racing and I could do with some wise words.
I am NC with my highly narcissistic family. The pain they have inflicted on me as their scapegoat has at times been too much to bare and it’s made me feel depressed and suicidal for a large chunk of my life. This of course fed into the narrative that I was the crazy one. When I married my DH, his family were also dysfunctional. It was a similar story although slightly different. They favoured one gender over the other with their blood family and also hated women coming into the family. I then found myself in a familiar and painful role as the unaccepted person in the family that they made perfectly clear I would never belong to. We have little to do with them now as that situation was painful for both of us.
Since then we have been our own small family unit with our DC. The family have seen our DC as new supply and often try and manipulate us to see them. When we have allowed DHs family to see them the extended family have tried to drive wedges between us all. They make it obvious, as is the usual pattern, that they favour one of our DC over the other. They also call me by my name when talking about me to my DC to seemingly diminish my role as mother in front of my DC. They are also disrespectful to me and say some extremely cruel things. It is like they know exactly which buttons to press in me. I don’t show that they’ve hurt me as I’ve learnt the hard way in the past that they enjoy knowing they have upset me. They infantilise my DH and make him feel inadequate. We do the dutiful things with them, but give them no more time than that now.
My fears now are for my DC. Both extended family’s function on the surface. They have cultivated public personas that make them come across as borderline saints. The pain with them all only happens behind closed doors to selected targets that they deem weak. Mine and my DHs life come across as very closed off. This is because our families systematically tore through our support network and turned everyone against us. To someone who hasn’t experienced the level of family toxicity that we have endured, it makes us look like we fit perfectly in the role of “the problem”. We are the family scapegoats with a heavy burden to carry and it’s such a lonely place to be. We have learnt over time to trust no one, as people have swallowed lies about us, no matter how extreme, and they don’t even think to themselves that the lies that have been made up about us don’t fit with our personalities at all. It’s like the family have reversed us, they have made out we are the duplicitous cruel ones, and they are the victims. It’s the most painful and crazy making situation of it all. As the toxic relatives have found it so easy to manipulate people around us, I fear they will do the same to our DC. Our DC are almost teens and I fear that once they are on social media our DC will either be destroyed by our families the same way we were, or they will turn our DC against us. If they turned my DC against me I know that is the point I would end my life.
We all only have one life and it is hard accepting that the people who brought both me and DH into the world have been the people who seemingly hate us the most and seem to want to destroy our lives with such venom. They have killed the person I was when I was young with a death by a 1000 cuts. The only thing keeping me in this world is my DC. I function only for them. What do all of you who are NC/LC do if your DC are online? How do you keep them safe from your toxic relatives? How do you stop losing your DC to them when you have no real support?
I am sorry if this is long and rambling. It’s late and my brain is whirring.
Thank you in advance if anyone replies.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. This sounds extremely distressing. How much contact do you currently have with the family?
Do your children ever ask about their behaviour? I feel perhaps being honest with your children in an age appropriate manner is best. I tell my DS that what his nanny says and does isn't ok and then explain why. He's come to know good behaviour and being kind to bad behaviour and being unkind.
Obviously don't need to go into detail about your past but for the here and now and their behaviour perhaps explain it. Then they will be able to see for themselves.

Also is it a possibility to move further away from your families? Start new and build a support network back up?

I would put in more and more emotional and physical distance from your families - if you are LC - I would go lower.

Much lower.

Unannounced.

You said you feel lonely. That’s normal when you have “lost” family - but the trick is to replace it with peaceful, radiant and respectful friends - who become central to i to your family’s lives and key celebrations.

You have to actively, positively and constructively build a new social support system as we all need human connection.

Your children would also benefit being surrounded by positive, radiant, reciprocal, emotionally healthy adults. They need to see and experience what good looks like and to see you and your DH happy, confident and engaged socially as role models so that they know where the high bar for expectations of behaviour in relationships and also role model disengaging from toxicity.

Once they have seen and experienced this they will swerve their toxic family and sense and swerve and other toxic people who they pass by in life.

Thank you for the reply.
We only see them for “special occasions” now, but it really ruins them for me. We don’t actively seek them out at special times, that’s just when they rear their heads. I dread things like Christmas. It used to be my favourite time of the year, but now I get a knot in my stomach about it. I think it’s why I feel so low about everything now, it’s because I know it’s just around the corner. I can’t stand the put downs, the blame shifting and the fact that they treat my DC so differently to each other. Christmas time they do it through the gifts they give the DC.
I wish we were able to move away. The town we live in feels so small. We have attempted to make new connections, but there always ends up being a degree of separation between the new person and our relatives. They either directly know them, or know them as a friend of a friend etc. Its the problem with small town living.

I don’t know if this is a reply to me, but I agree with everything you are saying.
I want to rebuild my life so badly. It’s difficult where we live. It’s one of those places where everyone knows everyone else. I feel so trapped, frustrated, sad and lonely.

Yes it was for you. It’s not a hopeless situation and you are not helpless.

You can make decisions and take actions that give you control and protect yourself and your family. You will feel more empowered when you do.

There doesn’t have to be grand announcements, conflict or confrontation.

Eg go away for Xmas or do your own thing. Plan to move away. Cut out different celebrations or manage them more effectively like getting there late and leaving early, not staying to eat etc.

It also seems that you are suspicious of new people and don’t feel emotionally safe which is understandable given your experience but is likely a slightly distorted / disproportionate stance as in reality not everyone in a small town can know your family and even if they did be influenced by them. Maybe target new-comers to the town as friends. It sounds grim for your DC if all celebrations involve their parents being anxious and getting hurt. They will pick this up and internalise it and become sad and anxious themselves. They need to experience their parents as happy fun loving confident people at celebration times as they will remember this consciously and subconsciously. Try to do whatever you can to take your DCs out of this mire and expose them to emotionally healthy situations.

Also the imbalance of gifts I would address directly with them if they are old enough. It’s not fair on your DD and you are inadvertently perpetrating your families sick morals if you don’t.

Maybe your DCs what is happening and say that both of their gifts will be sold and you will share the proceeds evenly with them.

Your family are never going to change so don’t waste your breath or headspace - it’s 100% up to you to decide how you want to live and this takes change or your side. Just small unannounced incremental steps to ease putting in the distance without conflict.

FOG - fear, obligation, guilt are always the wrong reasons to stay involved with anyone.

TODAY IS D DAY.

The Hag aka Toxic Mother In Law has just phoned asking Mr Monkey:

“What am I doing for Chrisrmas?”

The question’s phrasing reveals so much 1) the passive aggressive and 2) the I I I me me me entitlement of it.

No ‘we’ in any of that, is there?

Apparently, the Carers want to know when they need to be around to her lair over Xmas.

Mr Monkey said “i’ll get back to you”

Laughing to myself as the Hag is right now thinking of the DAYS when she won't be in her squalid flat and she’ll be sitting in the warmth of my mum’s cosy house being waited on hand and foot.

Thing is, Hag, that’s NOT happening.

There is a whole new plan. And you're NOT going to enjoy it.

It will be a two hour meal here at Monkey Towers on Xmas Day. My mum, me and Mr Monkey will enjoy Xmas Eve at the theatre and a slap up lunch*, there will be the Xmas Day delight in the Hag’s company, and the Boxing Day Escape to The Country with my mum for the rest of Xmas.

She will need one less care call on Xmas Day. The rest of Xmas she can do what she does otherwise aka as she says:

“Sit here staring at four walls”

I cannot wait for Mr Monkey doing the big reveal later today.

“So, what do I tell the carers?”
“That they don't need to come for your lunch time call on Xmas Day, but the rest of Xmas you'll be at hime”
“That’s it?”
“Yep”

EPIC.

I've waited since the hell of Xmas 2022 which she completely ruined to serve this up.

*we will be very hungover on Xmas Day as I'm booking us a swanky cocktail bar.

I have told about this thread so I wondered if I could have advice.

So yesterday I got a message from my DF that him my stepmum and brother coming down to the town we live to take us out they want to buy us something.

But I just actually don't want to see my Stepmum she does no good for my mental health. I haven't spoken to her for awhile but I talk to my DF a lot.

I have had to keep her at a distance slowly over the years now. I have tried and tried but just had enough now.

She always been jealous of me because I am the only girl and she had only boys.

She's so nosey and she will make comments and just don't need the stress.

I totally don't know how to tell my dad I don't mind seeing you but I don't want any contact with her for now not until I have my baby.

When I got to 12 weeks I told my DF when he came to collect my ds. He was shocked but happy and I said for him to tell my Stepmum. I suppose I was worried about telling my DM too.

Anyway I haven't got a congratulations or nothing. Yes my DF told me my stepmum got new job sent a card. So I thought you know what let me leave her.
I know she was probably wouldn't be happy at my pregnancy and maybe worried I may have a girl. I am having a boy but when I rang told my dad she was laughing. I wasn't upset but in a way relieved I was having a boy wouldn't want a girl going through what I went through with her.

There is too much to actually go into from childhood to now. But will share a few examples why I feel I can't have her near me.
She lied saying she was pregnant when I was at teenager.
I had a stillbirth in 2005 and she came to the hospital with my DF and after giving birth she wanted to come in the room. I wasn't even stitched up yet. I had to tell my dad she needs to wait.
I remember my little brother was a baby and walking down the stairs asking me if I miss my younger sister whom died of a hole in heart. While holding my brother she was like he was wanted. My dad had slept with my mum and she fell pregnant with my sister. I do blame them for all I had to go through.
Just she got close to my friends to find out information about me.

She just too much and I am not saying I am perfect at all. We have had physical fights I cut her off completely. Think since then I was on civil for my DF sake.

So now I want NC with her. But don't want to ruin the relationship with my DF.

A couple of things happened this year even told my dad people would be happy if we fell out now and you stop talking to me now I am pregnant.

He said nothing would ever stop him talking to me.

I can't keep avoiding her and I wonder how to approach this my DF. I feel done with her.

I know you are right. It’s just so hard. The extended family are confrontational, which I am not. In the past they have turned up shouting through the letterbox, ringing our phones repeatedly if we don’t answer the door. It’s hell.
You are right that the whole town can’t know them, but the few people that there have recently been chance of friendship with did turn out to know them.
I don’t know what the answer is. I know we can’t carry on as we are though.

Anyone had a step parent/stepmum who not very nice to them?

I just feel so on edge now the thought of seeing her. Especially feeling quite vulnerable and can't handle her at the moment.

My own DM can be a nightmare. Even she got jealous DS was with DF and Stepmum.