Is this dead in the water? Advice needed.

[Grantedhousecat]

DH and I have been married for 20 years and have three children, two secondary aged - 14 and 12 - and one aged 7.

We have had sex twice since the 7 year old was conceived. We both got married very young and I don’t think it was a good match in lots of ways from the start.

About 18 months ago I started an affair with someone at work. It wasn’t all hearts and flowers and I know it wasn’t real life in lots of ways but it was real in terms of feelings, which I’ve not had with DH. I think I was very lonely at the time and desperate for some affection and care. Im not excusing it though. I told DH about the affair around 12 months ago and he said he wanted to stay together and was equally to blame as he’d not ever supported me with the children or shown any interest in me or them.
He has been more involved with the children since but my feelings have not come back. I miss my AP and how I felt in that relationship. I know this is selfish. I don’t know at what point we just accept it is beyond the point of no return? How do you know when there is just no way back? How much more time do we give it?

So you stayed together because he wanted to, but he’s made no change ?
Youve given it more time than necessary.

He needed to do more than be more involved with the children. Has he made any effort with your relationship?
It does sound dead in the water to me and it seems that neither of you are happy any more. Time to call it a day I think.

Do you love him? Intimately? I don’t mean just sexually (although that matters) but like a couple?

He has made a change in some ways. He’s more interested in the children than he was, which is good for them.
But there’s no meaningful change for me I suppose, although I’m not sure what else he could do.
He’s doing stuff like asking me what I’d like on tv - which he’d never have done before - and some of the school runs. He will put the washing in the machine and cook dinner once a week or so.
Again, he wouldn’t have done those things before. He asks the dc how they are doing at school and comes to parents’ evenings more frequently. He takes my middle dc to their hobby so that I don’t need to do it and have all three with me.
He tries to think of nice stuff we can do at weekends… and I just don’t want to do any of it. I feel so ungrateful. I should be enjoying it but I’m not, I just feel meh about it all. It’s all the same to me.
I like to take the dc out just us but if DH comes too I can feel myself shutting down again.

So he's the one being criticised for not making more effort in the relationship after his wife cheated??

Why is nobody asking what effort she's making to work on the marriage?

If a guy posted on here that he started shagging around, confessed to his wife then complained his wife hadn't done anything to work on the marriage other than spend time with the kids he'd be a laughing stock

Do you kiss, hold hands and shag ?

It’s true, I’ve not made much effort.
I was available to him for years and he was always out with his mates or off fishing for hours at a time.
Gradually I checked out and did my own thing with the dc. I assumed he’d never be here at weekends and he never was.
I have found it hard to switch back on feeling invested when it’s been a slow erosion of that over two decades.
i cannot excuse the affair. I can only say that I had been very very lonely for a very long time and I didn’t even realise it. I thought I was fine.

If you’ve had sex twice in seven years - yes, your relationship is long dead.

No, we never have sex.
He would like to. I wouldn’t. I don’t see him like that now.
I just don’t know if it’s possible to switch feelings back on again once they’ve gone? And how long I give it.
I am extremely depressed but it isn’t actually depression in terms of a chemical imbalance. When he’s away on business or goes away for the weekend with his mates I am a totally different person. It’s like a weight lifts.
He is not doing anything wrong, it’s me that has been in the wrong, and yet I feel on edge all the time when he is here.

It sounds to me like he’s putting in the absolute bare minimum of effort. Yes it was you who had an affair and that was wrong but he agreed to stay and work on your marriage and he isn’t.

you only get one life OP it sounds like you’d be happier if you did separate

I don’t think you can get those feelings back. I’m not even sure you should try. You say you got together very young and it wasn’t a good match from the start. Sounds like if children hadn’t come along, you’d have split years ago and like that would be the right thing to do now. FWIW, some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents are separated but co-parent sensibly and reasonably. Hopefully you could get to that place with him.

I think he has tried - more than me this last twelve months.
But I really tried for the first 15 years or so. I just got used to it being shit and accepted it. No abuse. He never cheated to my knowledge.
But it has all been just meh. No care. No interest. So I suppose gradually I have stopped caring or being interested too.

I think his trying has come too late for you. You have already checked out of the relationship. You are definitely flogging a dead horse.

Yes, that’s what worries me.
I wish I hadn’t had the affair as now it’s all become about that whereas I wonder if I’d have struggled to be checked in anyway?
It is difficult because DH is not doing anything wrong so I’m not sure why it’s so hard for me to just act normal and be ok. When he suggests doing things together my heart sinks and I have made zero effort to do anything just the two of us. We had some marriage counselling recently and the woman said she was struck by how little fun there had been in our marriage and in particular for me as I’d been at home with the kids whilst DH had been off out with his mates.

A sexless marriage is pointless, you need to get divorced. One of you will be frustrated the other feeling there is a lack of understanding.

DH is now all ‘let’s go away for a dirty weekend together’ and I can think of very little I want to do less.
I am so sad about it all and frustrated with myself.

Lots of people have sexless marriages though.

Yes, but that's only because they can't face getting divorced which is hard.

I can understand that. I sort of feel the same.
It’s only that I know how much it is impacting my mental health and therefore my ability to be a present parent that makes me consider it.
I am SO MUCH better when it’s just me and them. Almost unrecognisable according to my parents and friends.

He was trying to talk dirty to me last weekend and it made my skin crawl.
I don’t know how to get from where I am to a place where my marriage feels safe.

OP, in all your posts, you haven't given any reason why you'd want to stay in this relationship.

You say you don't want to get divorced, but why? Do you love your husband, would you be happier with him or not? It doesn't sound like it.

If you leave him, then yes, he'll probably blame it on the affair, but does that matter? You'll probably be happier in the long run

I don't think you can, it sounds like it's over and you need to come to terms with that.

I care about him, I’ve been with him well over half of my life.
My dc are all doing well at school and are happy and settled.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side - I don’t envisage ever meeting anyone new which is fine. I’d want it to be just me and the dc.
Trying to find somewhere to rent right now is pretty impossible.
It is easier to stay with him and my dc are probably happier with it being that way.

The past is the past and can’t be undone or changed. So accept that you are where you are now regardless of who did what or when or why.

He sounds like he’s making the effort because he doesn’t want to lose his wife but in reality, he already has, hasn’t he?

He’s making an effort now and you’re turning your nose up at it and shying away from anything that involves him now. That, on a core level, is saying the relationship is over for you now and you have no interest in rekindling it.

Rip that plaster off OP.

It’s the kindest thing, for both of you, in the long-run.

Do you think the issue might be resentment for all the times he wasn’t there before?
I split with my exh because he wasn’t there, by the time he realised what he was going to lose and started to make any effort it was already too late.