Page 2 | Is this dead in the water? Advice needed.

Grantedhousecat · 2022-10-21T16:10:41+00:00

DH and I have been married for 20 years and have three children, two secondary aged - 14 and 12 - and one aged 7. We have had sex twice since the 7 year old was conceived. We both got married very young and I don’t think it was a good match in lots of ways from the start. About 18 months ago I started an affair with someone at work. It wasn’t all hearts and flowers and I know it wasn’t real life in lots of ways but it was real in terms of feelings, which I’ve not had with DH. I think I was very lonely at the time and desperate for some affection and care. Im not excusing it though. I told DH about the affair around 12 months ago and he said he wanted to stay together and was equally to blame as he’d not ever supported me with the children or shown any interest in me or them. He has been more involved with the children since but my feelings have not come back. I miss my AP and how I felt in that relationship. I know this is selfish. I don’t know at what point we just accept it is beyond the point of no return? How do you know when there is just no way back? How much more time do we give it?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/10/2022 18:05

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 17:58

I care about him, I’ve been with him well over half of my life.
My dc are all doing well at school and are happy and settled.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side - I don’t envisage ever meeting anyone new which is fine. I’d want it to be just me and the dc.
Trying to find somewhere to rent right now is pretty impossible.
It is easier to stay with him and my dc are probably happier with it being that way.

Ok, and what about him? If you care about him, do you not see that he deserves a loving relationship too? You're not able to give it to him, and that's been as much his fault over the years as it is yours for the affair, but surely it's better to end it now. He'll be happier, you'll be happier, and trust me, your kids will be happier with two happy parents than two who are barely going through the motions.

Original poster

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 18:06

I think so. I think there have been years where I wanted him to be involved and there was nothing.
Now it feels like suddenly he’s expecting me to want to spend all this time together and do all this stuff and it all feels very false to me.
It annoys me further that I have a number of close friends with children similar ages and now I am not allowed to meet them with my dc as all weekends must be spent together and any holiday taken has to be at the same time.
Friends who I have spent years seeing when he was off doing his own thing are no longer in close contact. Ditto my sister. We used to do a lot with her and my niece but I’ve been expected to drop her in favour of spending all my free time with him. It’s galling.

OP posts:

Applecrumble55 · 21/10/2022 18:07

pinkolu · 21/10/2022 17:18

So he's the one being criticised for not making more effort in the relationship after his wife cheated??

Why is nobody asking what effort she's making to work on the marriage?

If a guy posted on here that he started shagging around, confessed to his wife then complained his wife hadn't done anything to work on the marriage other than spend time with the kids he'd be a laughing stock

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This!!

oviraptor21 · 21/10/2022 18:15

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 18:06

I think so. I think there have been years where I wanted him to be involved and there was nothing.
Now it feels like suddenly he’s expecting me to want to spend all this time together and do all this stuff and it all feels very false to me.
It annoys me further that I have a number of close friends with children similar ages and now I am not allowed to meet them with my dc as all weekends must be spent together and any holiday taken has to be at the same time.
Friends who I have spent years seeing when he was off doing his own thing are no longer in close contact. Ditto my sister. We used to do a lot with her and my niece but I’ve been expected to drop her in favour of spending all my free time with him. It’s galling.

Whilst I'd agree that your marriage is dead in the water, this part sounds particularly awful. He's starting to cut you off from your support network. Don't allow it. Make your arrangements and don't include him if you don't want to.

Applecrumble55 · 21/10/2022 18:18

It sounds like he is trying to repair your marriage and spend more time together after YOU cheated and you describe it as ‘galling’? Maybe he is feeling insecure because… you had an affair? The double standards on here are just ridiculous.

let him find someone who loves him. End it.

Original poster

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 18:20

I think it’s the part that infuriates me the most.
i always made my plans with the dc and most weekends he’d not even asked what we’d been up to.

Ive got two days off at half term and I wanted to spend one of them with my sister and niece and my two younger dc but he has made it very clear that he’s very angry about that. He’s not flat out said no but he’s basically making it very unpleasant so I will inevitably cave in. He has half term off and wants to spend the days I also have off together. he can’t come too because my sister hates him.

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 21/10/2022 18:25

Just leave, OP.

Just accept that the marriage/relationship is over as a consequence of BOTH of your actions.

Stop looking for reasons he’s an ogre to validate your guilt.

Just leave.

FlowerArranger · 21/10/2022 18:29

You simply cannot stay with a man who makes your skin crawl!!

Original poster

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 18:31

I don’t think he’s an ogre.
I blame myself more than him.
It is very hard to accept that it’s over though.

OP posts:

Drinkinggreentea · 21/10/2022 18:48

Why is it so hard for you to accept it's over though? When you chose to sleep with another man again and again you must have known it was over and would never be ok again. You're not happy and you know it. He can't be happy either.

OhAmBackAgain · 21/10/2022 18:52

You don't love him, You don't want him, you are not attracted to him.

That's all you need yo know.
It's over go live your life.

Original poster

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 18:53

Im not sure.
Marriages do survive affairs I suppose. I was hoping ours would - but I cannot get back in the headspace I need to be in. I am trying, it’s not a conscious decision when I just feel meh about everything. For example DH has booked Lapland UK for us and I should feel excited and grateful but I don’t. I’d be excited if I were taking the dc on my own or with my family or friends but somehow not with him.
Why is that? I want to logic it out because it makes
no sense. He’s perfectly nice and helpful when we are out together. Why do I feel such a sense of being resigned when I think about it?

OP posts:

OhAmBackAgain · 21/10/2022 18:57

why do you want the marriage to survive?

Original poster

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 18:58

Mainly the dc. I would say if we didn’t have dc I’d have been long gone. Maybe he would too.

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fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/10/2022 19:09

Your DC won't care long term if your marriage survives. They will care that they have miserable parents. The atmosphere between you will be crap, no matter how well you think you hide it.

Your kids will notice it. Believe me, I did. My mum had 56 years on this earth, and I really hate knowing that she spent 10 of them miserable for my sake

TimidOwl · 21/10/2022 19:09

Your children will benefit from happy parents. And if you are happier apart so be it.

Aria999 · 21/10/2022 19:10

I think it's over OP.

You don't like spending time with him and you don't like having sex with him. The way you describe these feelings seems quite visceral. It doesn't sound like there is much scope for them to change for the better.

His reaction to you spending time without him (though perhaps understandable given you had an affair) is also a bit oppressive.

Onceuponawhileago · 21/10/2022 19:16

Just imagine a guy was on here saying he had sex with someone else in the form of an affair, used his wifes absence to blame her for it, said he only had sex twice in years despite his partner wanting to have sex with them (deluded misplacement of affection there) and wondered if his relationship was dead. What do you think people would say?

I think you are a piece of work OP. Nasty. Just walk away and let your husband find someone who respects him. Urgh.

Original poster

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 19:17

Yes, maybe.
However I would be taking my children with me to see my sister / friends / parents so it’s not likely I would be meeting an AP.
if I were asking to go alone, then i could possibly see his point more.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 19:19

Oh he didn’t want sex with me all those years.
it is only since the affair that he has.

However I know I am to blame for the affair. I didn’t have to get involved with someone else and it’s made it much messier and more hurtful.

OP posts:

Onceuponawhileago · 21/10/2022 19:19

Grantedhousecat · 21/10/2022 18:53

Im not sure.
Marriages do survive affairs I suppose. I was hoping ours would - but I cannot get back in the headspace I need to be in. I am trying, it’s not a conscious decision when I just feel meh about everything. For example DH has booked Lapland UK for us and I should feel excited and grateful but I don’t. I’d be excited if I were taking the dc on my own or with my family or friends but somehow not with him.
Why is that? I want to logic it out because it makes
no sense. He’s perfectly nice and helpful when we are out together. Why do I feel such a sense of being resigned when I think about it?

Why is that? I want to logic it out because it makes
no sense...🤔🤔🤔
Maybe because you treated him with total contempt and have no respect or feelings for him? Jaw dropping lack of personal insight if you dont mind me saying.

LovelyChicken · 21/10/2022 19:27

He's been a terrible partner for two decades. You say he's trying, but he's angry with you for having plans - this isn't acceptable. Do you think that if you leave it longer he will magically turn in to a reasonable person and you'll want to have sex with him?

Onceuponawhileago · 21/10/2022 19:36

LovelyChicken · 21/10/2022 19:27

He's been a terrible partner for two decades. You say he's trying, but he's angry with you for having plans - this isn't acceptable. Do you think that if you leave it longer he will magically turn in to a reasonable person and you'll want to have sex with him?

Read the thread. She fucked someone else. And you write about him being a shit partner. Cognitive dissonance much?

LovelyChicken · 21/10/2022 19:40

I'm not saying that the affair bit is okay. I'm saying that for years and years prior to that, he didn't treat OP or DC well. Are you suggesting she should stay with him because she's had an affair, irrespective of how he treats her?

thenewduchessoflapland · 21/10/2022 19:46

I think it's time to call it a day;you're Children will adapt and thrive if you both have a good co parenting relationship but even more so if you're both happy yourselves which your both not presently and from what you've said won't be again.

You both deserve a chance to meet someone who you're both want to be with fully.