Is this dead in the water? Advice needed.

[Grantedhousecat]

DH and I have been married for 20 years and have three children, two secondary aged - 14 and 12 - and one aged 7.

We have had sex twice since the 7 year old was conceived. We both got married very young and I don’t think it was a good match in lots of ways from the start.

About 18 months ago I started an affair with someone at work. It wasn’t all hearts and flowers and I know it wasn’t real life in lots of ways but it was real in terms of feelings, which I’ve not had with DH. I think I was very lonely at the time and desperate for some affection and care. Im not excusing it though. I told DH about the affair around 12 months ago and he said he wanted to stay together and was equally to blame as he’d not ever supported me with the children or shown any interest in me or them.
He has been more involved with the children since but my feelings have not come back. I miss my AP and how I felt in that relationship. I know this is selfish. I don’t know at what point we just accept it is beyond the point of no return? How do you know when there is just no way back? How much more time do we give it?

OP I have a similar version of this - I have a thread running atm. Helplesshopeless thread is great - you should def take a look.

I am exactly where you are in terms of DH stepping up but me just feeling completely stone dead inside. It makes me feel so guilty but I don’t know HOW you bring feelings back.

I can’t find the helplesshopeless thread. Can anyone direct me?
Ive talked with DH this morning and he just keeps saying I’m depressed and I need to take medication.
Im not depressed when I’m in any other situation though, so I come back to what am I medicating?
Really what am I medicating? My marriage?

Sorry OP, here's the thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4211900-does-love-come-back-what-do-i-do?page=1

Speaking personally, feeling depressed was the symptom I noticed that alerted me to the fact that my marriage had run its course and it was time for change.

Change of this kind is absolutely terrifying. We don't contemplate it for no reason. We don't keep thinking about it unless something really does have to happen.

No amount of medication will fix the fact that life holds no interest any more because you're in the wrong place.

Completely agree. If OP wasn't happy with the marriage she should've left. Having an affair is NEVER acceptable in my book, under any circumstances. No matter how crap the marriage. You break first, then find someone else. Can't believe people are blaming this guy for it, MN has a fucked up way of viewing men.

Thank you Alcemeg

Of course I shouldn’t have had an affair. It’s made it all much worse and it was dishonest and unkind.
If I could go back and undo it I would.
However, and I will get flamed for saying this, but I was so much happier when I was having an affair. I think it propped my marriage up. I don’t believe that to be uncommon and the Relate lady has said similar.
I didn’t go out with the intention of having an affair, although obviously no one forced me. My AP is separated. It was just the novelty of having someone care about me. And I loved him. Like really properly loved him. It showed me the difference. I’ve not felt like that about DH since my second child was born and he left us to it, even though our second dc nearly died when he was born. That was when I checked out I think. 3rd dc wasn’t planned. I was told I couldn’t have more dc after the horrific birth of my 2nd one. Turns out I could.

But why?

What a weird set of morals. So it's okay to check out in the relationship instead of breaking up? Okay to be a shit partner instead of breaking up? Okay to be a shit parent instead of breaking up?

Why do you draw the line at affair when many things are in fact more or equally horrible that you can do to your spouse. 20 years of putting up with someone who won't break up but doesn't treat you well is not much worse than an affair is it?

Mumsnet has an obsession with affairs. People can do so many shitty things but doesn't matter, all the blame goes on the cheating partner as apparently that's the only thing that matters.

OP you're getting a hard time on here from posters who feel like nothing is relevant apart from someone having an affair.

Relationships are complicated and I for one don't feel surprised that after putting up with that you had an affair. People saying you should have left first - so should have her DH instead of leaving everything to her, checking out of family life and the marriage.

It sounds like your marriage is over based on what you said. Hopefully you can make a decision either way and feel okay with it - he's changed now but who knows how long this would last, and if you don't feel the same way now anyway it's okay to start over.

This pretty much sums up my marriage to an emotionally unavailable man. You're there, you're available but they're not and it slowly, gradually kills the relationship. You've moved on in your head, perhaps time to move on with your life. It won't be easy and not sure of your financial situation but it was the best thing for me. Now in a relationship with a fully available man and God what a difference!

Your DH sounds avoidant and emotionally detached, it's very hard for a person like that to change but if you're not feeling the attraction it's unlikely to magic up from nowhere. Kinder for both of you to move on.

It was just the novelty of having someone care about me. And I loved him. Like really properly loved him. It showed me the difference. I’ve not felt like that about DH since my second child was born and he left us to it, even though our second dc nearly died when he was born. That was when I checked out I think.

Yes, I had a similar experience. I think it's natural to check out permanently after this sort of thing. Your DH seems to have checked out a while back, too.

How wonderful that you managed to find a glimpse of happiness in your affair. So you do know it's possible, but not within this marriage.

Yes, it's dead in the water. And you know it.

There's nothing more painful than facing up to that, and taking the necessary steps... but life was never meant to be easy and the rewards for conquering this particular mountain are great!

The thing is you can't compare an affair with the ups and downs and reality of a marriage. Affairs will always be exciting. However I do think @Grantedhousecat needs to move on as I already said. Are you looking to continue with the AP @Grantedhousecat ?

Really what am I medicating? My marriage?

I think that’s a useful insight, medication might flatten out your feelings and make your current situation tolerable but really it sounds like you’re done with your marriage.

Affairs are funny things, like the only part of your marriage vows that matter is the promise to be faithful but there are many ways to break marriage vows, and checking out, not supporting or helping the other is a breach. The old marriage service had a part about spouses being a “helpmeet” to the other, a caring support, showing concern for the others welfare - your husband hasn’t done this over a long period of time. That is a breach.

I ended my marriage because my DH effectively checked out - no intimacy or care, basically going through the motions. I became very vulnerable to the attentions of other men and while I didn’t cheat, I was very tempted. Lack of care, interest, intimacy and sex erodes the very foundations of a relationship and once that’s gone it’s hard to get back again, even if you wanted to - and it’s ok if you don’t.

@Miajk just because your DH is doing something equally as bad, it does not make it okay to cheat. I wouldn't check out for 20 years either, I would leave. But if I was with someone that did I wouldn't think it okay to cheat just because they were awful! It's personal morals.

Right but that's the point. They both made mistakes yet some comments are saying how he shouldn't have to change because she cheated. It's nonsense.

Well they are both horrible people then who should clearly not be in a relationship! And personally, yes checking out is awful and a horrible thing to do, but having an affair is in my book worse as it is a physical betrayal. We all have different views, that is mine.

No, it’s not okay to cheat if you’re partner isn’t behaving great. And let’s be honest, he has been taking her for granted, not beating her up. She should have addressed his ‘shitty’ behaviour years ago. And I’ll bet if you’d asked OP before the affair what their marriage was like, she would have said it was fine. People having affairs re-write history, just to justify their affair. Or at least that’s the script repeated time and again by mumsnetters when it’s the other way round.

Because other things while equally horrible are visible and allow the other person options: communicate, give ultimatum, leave etc etc.

Doing something behind someone's back is way more shocking then gradually becoming a shitty partner. It can actually give people post traumatic stress disorder and fuck them up for life.

Yes, clearly I should not have had an affair.
I’ve not rewritten history as I wasn’t happy for a long long time pre affair but I just was in the middle of raising small kids and got on with things.
I would just like to get back to feeling like we can at least function, because right now I am not even really feeling that.

This 👆🏼. You don't need any of us to tell you it's over...surely acknowledging this it's clear to you. Stop wallowing and let the poor man go and find someone he would be more compatible with. Same for you.

I would just like to get back to feeling like we can at least function, because right now I am not even really feeling that
...which one day you will look back on as a blessing, because if you could just about manage to feel as though you could just about hold things together, you could go on for ever in this misery!

Instead of which, everything is screaming at you to make a better plan.

@Grantedhousecat – everything you write screams that you’ve emotionally checked out of this marriage and have no real interest in rekindling that spark. So why are you trying to cling on?

What is stopping you from admitting the relationship is no longer working for you (for you, an adult human being, female, woman in her own right)?

It's all very noble saying you want it to work for the sake of the kids but at the cost of your inner happiness? Really?

It's all very noble saying you want it to work for the sake of the kids
No, it's not noble at all. My mum was like this, and she and my dad lived well into their 90s.
I'd give anything to put the clock back and give them both a chance of real happiness.
Worrying about them, particularly her, has preoccupied me throughout my life and the example she set poisoned the first half-century of my relationships.

Alcemeg – that’s exactly what I meant by “it’s all very noble”. As in, the exact opposite; a reverse when read in context; it’s not at all noble, serves no purpose whatsoever and will ultimately achieve nothing but longer term unhappiness for all concerned.

I probably should have said “that’s all well and good but..”.

Sorry @DatingDinosaur ... I should have realised that, but I seem to have my literal/pedantic hat on tonight 😁I guess I tend to jump on this sort of thing, as quite honestly I wish no one ever "stayed for the sake of the kids" -- it doesn't do anyone any favours!

@Alcemeg - I’m also a child of parents who stayed together for the kids and could sense an undercurrent at the time, just didn’t understand it. All I learned was that love is fake and you just pretend at it for the sake of playing happy families. Not helped by them eventually splitting up when I left home and then years later being told “we only stayed together so you kids had a stable home life”. Yeah, thanks. So we were the reason for your unhappiness then. Cheers.

So @Grantedhousecat - if you’re still reading this, please think about the consequences of your current (in)actions in a broader, longer term sense.

@DatingDinosaur That's it, exactly!

Learning that love is fake is an incredibly hard lesson to unlearn because you just perpetuate that belief by making poor choices based on low expectations. It's a vicious circle.

@Grantedhousecat I'm hoping the reason you haven't been on here for a while is that you're on that bus with a one-way ticket! You can do it!