Is this dead in the water? Advice needed.

[Grantedhousecat]

DH and I have been married for 20 years and have three children, two secondary aged - 14 and 12 - and one aged 7.

We have had sex twice since the 7 year old was conceived. We both got married very young and I don’t think it was a good match in lots of ways from the start.

About 18 months ago I started an affair with someone at work. It wasn’t all hearts and flowers and I know it wasn’t real life in lots of ways but it was real in terms of feelings, which I’ve not had with DH. I think I was very lonely at the time and desperate for some affection and care. Im not excusing it though. I told DH about the affair around 12 months ago and he said he wanted to stay together and was equally to blame as he’d not ever supported me with the children or shown any interest in me or them.
He has been more involved with the children since but my feelings have not come back. I miss my AP and how I felt in that relationship. I know this is selfish. I don’t know at what point we just accept it is beyond the point of no return? How do you know when there is just no way back? How much more time do we give it?

No Im saying she should leave and maybe he can find someone thats not a deluded gaslighter to have a relationship with. Then she can go off on her merry way having sex with whoever she wants and musing the finer points of the affair and how it might have had something to do with the breakdown of her relationship but in a very abstract, non direct way you see....

OP it definitely sounds like too little, too late on his part.
You took loneliness for granted; it's not surprising you can't just resume normal service like switching on a telly.

Look up the thread "Does love come back?" by helplesshopeless -- there are quite a few parallels in your situation.

You’ve got the ick, caused by resentment.
You choose to stay and live this way, or leave.

Yet if a woman posts about her Hs affair we tell her that he has to change 100%, be open, let her ask him questions be open about his phone etc etc. But here you are saying he has to change. Weird.

You say ‘we’ tell her. That’s a big generalisation.

Big but correct. Conscious gender bias. Her behaviour is awful but minimised by most posters.

@Grantedhousecat just about every post that you have made has been contemptuous of your H. He is doing what you asked but you are now moaning that it is too much. It sounds like you want to stay in the marriage for the financial benefits and the children but you don't want the intimate side of marriage.It doesn't work like that though. You need to end this as it sounds as if you despise him.

This - just leave. It's not fair to let someone carry on to try to please you when you are "meh". Just horrible way to treat someone.

I think he is trying, with you and the children, but you don't want it. You've gotten used to him not being involved for years and now feel like it's an interference because he's trying to slot in.

A lot of people are saying it's his fault for not making any effort for years, which it might be, but did you actually confront him over the years? Did you tell him that you weren't happy about his lack of involvement, with you or the kids, or did you just carry on and let him do the same? If it's the latter then I do think you are slightly more to blame as unless you have confronted him, which I doubt it as you would have split years ago without change, then he's thought his behaviour was fine.

Now that you've had an affair, it seems like his lack of involvement is being used as the scapegoat for all the problems, yet when he's making effort to change it you aren't interested. I honestly think you don't love him anymore, except maybe in a platonic, distant family member kind of way, but want the security of staying married.

I think you'd both be a lot happier separate. I don't see the feelings coming back after so long, especially if things weren't great to begin with. The lack of sex is telling, not because of the sex but there is no intimacy or closeness.

yes, basically he has left OP to it for two decades and when she was terribly lonely, she had an affair, now he is trying more with the children and her, because he has realised that he needs to step up, but this is veering into controlling - saying that she cannot go places and she cannot see people is controlling behaviour and that is not on.

I’m not meh at him. Life just feels meh. Like flat and devoid of fun.
I suppose I did not confront him really but I suppose I felt like if he needed it spelling out that his ten day post c -section with two older children wife might need a rest rather than him going off with his mates for a five day holiday then it was a bit shit? But I do take some of the responsibility because I never flat out said this isn’t good enough.

'HE needs to step up' WTAF! She cheated on him, did you read? She needs to leave and stop being such a drag on the guy. All she wants is security and puts no work into any other aspect of the relationship. Poor guy is bringing them to Lapland. Should have used the money for a good psychotherapist to show him how to drop her fast and move on.

But you went and had an affair, thats a fair walk on from not expressing your wishes.... Jesus, own some of your contribution will you? How are you putting your kids through this absolute drama when you wont just adult up.

I agree, he should have had the insight to take some responsibility. But that was your 3rd child, he'd probably gotten used to it by then. I think some people (men and women) just don't think and need things spelled out for them. I'm not excusing his behaviour, he's partly to blame as well as he can't honestly have thought things were fine for years and he could have stepped up/confronted you. But you never know how different things might have been if you'd confronted him and he'd started making this effort years ago. Maybe there would have been no affair. Now it's too little too late on both sides.

If you’re not happy in a marriage, work on it or leave. The answer isn’t to have an affair. There is never an excuse to cheat. Was your AP married too?

There's no point bearing the OP up about the affair. She admits she was wrong.

So was her DH though
He's trying to make up for it all now but I think the shop has sailed

Sorry about the typos. It's Friday and I've had some wine 🍷

Well tbh he hasn't actually changed his underlying behaviour has he OP? He's still calling the shots and dictating what happens isn't he. He's punishing you for stopping him living as he pleases (and for the affair - I don't blame you in the slightest for this).
So yes, I would say it is dead in the water and you probably need to start making plans to separate that will have minimum impact on the children, especially the youngest.

Yes, apparently this guy lived his best life for 20 years without paying attention to his wife and children, and when she had an affair, he realised he needed to step up and could not just carry on with his mates. Trouble is, a trip to Lapland is not going to fix twenty years of neglect and taking OP for granted.

I don't think it's very nice of you not to want to go out with the children at weekends, if he is going to be there. You are depriving the kids of having a nice secure sense of family. Even if you did split up, in the best scenario, you would still want to come together, occasionally, putting on a pleasant facade, and spend time in each other's company with the children there, for the sake of the children, because you are both their parents. If you can't do that gracefully, even when you haven't decided if you want to leave - and for their sake - you are feeling in a very selfish way, in my opinion.

It seems as though he is not being argumentative nor reproachful in a way that interrupts the peace at home and the wellbeing of the kids. I think you should try to stay together as a family unit, until the children are older. With tough financial times ahead, it won't be easy to run two homes, and a split will create a big disruption for the kids, on top of having possible power cuts, when they are trying to revise for exams; poorer job prospects because of the economy and the fest which all the news coverage of Ukraine will be bringing to their minds.

Probably a lot of couples have marriages where the spark has left. Perhaps it is best to settle for that and work on surviving health-wise and financially, in these very difficult times.

Affair partners don't always turn into long- term partners and he may doubt your ability to be faithful to him, should you try to get together. The grass may not be greener.

LTB I suppose is the stock answer here. Much easier to be a female having an affair than a man. She is deciding go stay in the deadest relationship in the world..poor kids. Just leave.

Do you even like him? As a friend? It sounds like you detest him. You must know your children can see that.

You both sound MISERABLE and yet you say your kids are fine - what model of a loving relationship and family life are you giving them?

You need to pull on your big girl pants and actually have a conversation with your DH. Maybe get some legal advice beforehand so you know what you are heading for. This relationship is over - you don't want to spend time with him; you cringe if he touches you; you resent him for trying to stop you seeing your friends and sister. The history of his neglect and your affair is neither here nor there really.

It's over. Stop navel gazing and do something about it.

Can you really not grasp the concept of two things being true at once?

Your partner cheating doesn't excuse your shitty behaviour. He wasn't a good dad or husband. That's still true whether she also made mistakes or not.

I swear some people on Mumsnet just run with any silly idea they have immediately in their head.

You don't love him any more OP. It's as simple as that. Only you can decide if you can put up with sharing your life with someone you don't love to keep the family together.

There are no right or wrong answers.