Argument with partner - don't know who's right

[piemaggedon]

Hi

So last night my chap came over with his 2 kids, we've been dating for a year and our children have only met in the last 2 months. We're trying to have one meal together per week as a 'blended family', so Tuesday nights, they come over around 5.30 and leave at 8. We think this gives our kids a chance to get to know each other little by little. Next summer we aim to live together as one family but we're taking it slowly at the start.

Anyhow, I moved home a few months back and I need lots of decorating done. My partner is always busy and stressed with work so generally doesn't help but after I moaned, he offered to paint the banister. He admits that he hates DIY as he spent the last 15 years of his previous marriage sorting the house out.

They came over last night, we all had a meal together and pudding, plenty of chat, everyone helping etc. He texted at 9.30 to say thanks. I was still settling my kids so didn't see phone until 22.15 at which point he messaged again with 'look, I'm not looking for an argument but ...' then he proceeded to list many of my faults. I'm not easy to communicate with, I don't open up easily, my ex keeps dictating when I have my kids, I'm moaning about the lack of progress in decorating, I don't plan decorating jobs very well, I don't appreciate the time he spent on the banister (I had said thanks every time he did any work on it), I don't value his time, I sometimes avoid discussions about the work needed (he tends to lecture so I do sometimes not engage), I'm too thin skinned etc etc. Now over the course of the last couple of months I probably did do some but not all of that list. We're all human, we all have our faults, I could rattle a load off for him too.

I messaged him back after that barrage of criticism to point out I'd cooked for him and his kids and done everything I could to make it an enjoyable evening. I thought we had a lovely evening and that's the response? I said in my text 'I thought we had a perfectly good evening. what the hell happened there? Night'

And he responded 'I rest my case '

He would normally stay at mine tonight but this morning I was so rattled, I told him not to bother coming over and to 'spend his valuable time with someone he actually respects'

Now this evening he texting that my response is depressing, he's tried to communicate with me and he's hit a wall, he feels like crying.

Honestly I have got no idea what's going on here, hes not usually this hard work. Can anyone see what's going on because I have absolutely no idea how to respond.

He's being unreasonable. Communicating is good of course but what he did there (By text of all things) is send you a list of criticisms and personal attacks) Be careful about deciding to move in with this guy

He's tried to communicate honestly - perhaps not in the best way via text - and you sound like you've got quite prickly and defensive rather than hearing him out and basically shut the convo down by saying 'night'. Maybe he has a point about you being hard to communicate with.

Also, why should he do any decorating on your house? If you keep moaning at him about that, you are totally unreasonable. It's your responsibility not his and if you want it done quicker, do it yourself or pay for it to be done.

Chuck this one back, it's far too much hard work - and no, introducing the kids after 10 months with a plan to move in together (so he gets your house? That's convenient for him) is not going to work.

Sounds like he is gaslighting you. Have you ever met his ex or heard her side of the story?

Do you think you're difficult to communicate with? And do you find it hard to open up? Maybe he's frustrated about that and it's coming out all wrong. Maybe he's not good at communicating either. Sounds like you have some underlying issues in the relationship that need ironing out - can't do it over text, you need to sit down and hash it out.

Give over, that's not how you communicate effectively with someone, send a text message with a list of "things I don't like about you"

I said in my text 'I thought we had a perfectly good evening. what the hell happened there? Night'

And he responded 'I rest my case Hmm'
There you go - perfect evidence that he has appointed himself judge, jury & executioner in your Show Trial, & that nothing you say or feel is going to change the mind he has already (& it seems unfairly) made up.

Now this evening he texting that my response is depressing, he's tried to communicate with me and he's hit a wall, he feels like crying.
Typing out a barrage of listed criticisms is NOT communication OP.

This man is undermining you. he does not know how to communicate, he does not respect you, & I don't think you should move in with him. He's shown you who is is now - that's not something you want happening under your roof is it?

I was hoping he'd help because we're planning on him and his kids moving in next year.

I think he's looking for an excuse to break up with you by creating a needless argument.

Text isn't the best but if the OP isn't easy to communicate with then I can't imagine it would go down well in person either. How many of us have written frustrated texts at some point?

I've noticed on here it is ALWAYS the man's fault, the women seem to do no wrong and have no faults. People should take a good hard look at themselves and maybe be open to some feedback rather than getting all defensive.

I am having some doubts, he was lovely for ages. But just gets very emotional sometimes and tends to make out he's Mr Perfect any reasonable and I'm just, well, that whole list and then some.

This is nothing to do with man vs woman and no I've never randomly sent a partner a list of their faults

I've always told him if we get married we'll do a pre nup so I can keep my house. He agrees, he wants me to have no access to his business which is fine by me

No I haven't

Go somewhere neutral and thrash this out face to face, take turns to speak but more importantly to listen to each other.
I hope you can fix this and find a way forward, OP.

What age are the children? Do they like him? Do his kids like you?

If you're unsure then definitely put the move on hold, you have your kids to think about here as well

If he'd actually sat me down face to face and said can we have a conversation about these issues, yes I'd happily have an open adult frank conversation. But he sent me a huge list of criticisms by text after I'd tried all night to make everyone happy.

At times he lectures and makes out he knows so much more than me, it does turn me off some of our conversations.

Throw him back.

he’s telling you:
he is the judge
he will criticise you without even looking at your face
not caring if he hurts you or not and shuts down a discussion
he decides
that he won’t do any DIY ever as it was all his ex wanted
Jobs need doing on houses - end of
why are they coming to your house for a free evening once a week with you cooking, entertaining and washing up and you thinking that’s nice(!)
why not his house? Or a day out where he pays!

He is not a nice man.

leave now

Do you ever blend at his house, where he shops, cooks then cleans up after.

Then after maybe you could communicate by sending him a text about his issues.

So you want him to do the decorating on your house but if he moves in/ you marry, he will still never have a claim to that house and you will put an agreement in place to ensure that.

Totally unreasonable. Fair enough if you don't want your house to be divided with him but I really wouldn't be expecting him to do all this work (aside from an odd job) If the asset will always remain yours alone.

It is difficult to get the whole picture from one post, but this situation looks very strange to me. To be honest, his text sounds like something I might have written to my now ex after we were married for twenty-five years, and I was fed up with all the things that bothered me that he never changed.There seem to be a total discord between your perception of the relationship and his. You thought that it was going well, I mean you were planning to move in together, but it seems that he is completely unhappy. I am sorry to say, but whatever is going on, I do not think that this relationship has future. You two are not on the same page.

He does always make out he knows best. I am having my doubts, he was lovely for the first year but as time goes on I'm seeing more evidence of him being a bit of a dickhead really.

Ooo I hadn't thought of that.

Ybgftr - I have admitted some fault, if you read my post you'll see that clearly. Everyone has faults, I'm trying to understand where this is leading his responses just don't seem normal or rational, he's being very reactive.