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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Argument with partner - don't know who's right

120 replies

piemaggedon · 19/10/2022 17:07

So last night my chap came over with his 2 kids, we've been dating for a year and our children have only met in the last 2 months. We're trying to have one meal together per week as a 'blended family', so Tuesday nights, they come over around 5.30 and leave at 8. We think this gives our kids a chance to get to know each other little by little. Next summer we aim to live together as one family but we're taking it slowly at the start.

Anyhow, I moved home a few months back and I need lots of decorating done. My partner is always busy and stressed with work so generally doesn't help but after I moaned, he offered to paint the banister. He admits that he hates DIY as he spent the last 15 years of his previous marriage sorting the house out.

They came over last night, we all had a meal together and pudding, plenty of chat, everyone helping etc. He texted at 9.30 to say thanks. I was still settling my kids so didn't see phone until 22.15 at which point he messaged again with 'look, I'm not looking for an argument but ...' then he proceeded to list many of my faults. I'm not easy to communicate with, I don't open up easily, my ex keeps dictating when I have my kids, I'm moaning about the lack of progress in decorating, I don't plan decorating jobs very well, I don't appreciate the time he spent on the banister (I had said thanks every time he did any work on it), I don't value his time, I sometimes avoid discussions about the work needed (he tends to lecture so I do sometimes not engage), I'm too thin skinned etc etc. Now over the course of the last couple of months I probably did do some but not all of that list. We're all human, we all have our faults, I could rattle a load off for him too.

I messaged him back after that barrage of criticism to point out I'd cooked for him and his kids and done everything I could to make it an enjoyable evening. I thought we had a lovely evening and that's the response? I said in my text 'I thought we had a perfectly good evening. what the hell happened there? Night'

And he responded 'I rest my case '

He would normally stay at mine tonight but this morning I was so rattled, I told him not to bother coming over and to 'spend his valuable time with someone he actually respects'

Now this evening he texting that my response is depressing, he's tried to communicate with me and he's hit a wall, he feels like crying.

Honestly I have got no idea what's going on here, hes not usually this hard work. Can anyone see what's going on because I have absolutely no idea how to respond.

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 19/10/2022 17:56

Yubgftr · 19/10/2022 17:13

He's tried to communicate honestly - perhaps not in the best way via text - and you sound like you've got quite prickly and defensive rather than hearing him out and basically shut the convo down by saying 'night'. Maybe he has a point about you being hard to communicate with.

Also, why should he do any decorating on your house? If you keep moaning at him about that, you are totally unreasonable. It's your responsibility not his and if you want it done quicker, do it yourself or pay for it to be done.

Who the hell wouldn't get prickly after a text like that. It was a character assassination, not constructive critisism, and via text at that. 😡

If you really must have a conversation like this, at least have it face to face.

Personally I think it's an abusive man showing his true colours and op should run a bloody mile.

NoodleSoup12 · 19/10/2022 17:57

OP, firstly, for yourself, you should find a way of responding to his behaviour that doesn’t lower you to his level ie sending irritable texts. However, yes, I think it’s not good behaviour to text someone a list of their faults! Of course it isn’t. I think perhaps you have to decide whether you really want to be with this person, who thinks poorly of you. And if so, you need to find a way to react that doesn’t play into his narrative. For instance, say “let’s talk about this face to face tomorrow. Goodnight x” or ignore the unpleasant text even until you see him the next day.

knittingaddict · 19/10/2022 17:59

AryaStarkWolf · 19/10/2022 17:20

This is nothing to do with man vs woman and no I've never randomly sent a partner a list of their faults

Show quote history

Indeed. I've been married almost 40 years and neither of us have felt the need to list each others faults, either in person or via text. It's a vile thing to do and he is shutting down any dialogue about it. Like I said, abusive.

Aria999 · 19/10/2022 18:00

If he'd actually sat me down face to face and said can we have a conversation about these issues, yes I'd happily have an open adult frank conversation. But he sent me a huge list of criticisms by text after I'd tried all night to make everyone happy.

This. Say this to him. YANBU.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/10/2022 18:01

What's wrong with taking 45 mins to respond to a text?

yerdaindicatesonbends · 19/10/2022 18:01

piemaggedon · 19/10/2022 17:45

Yes, it does look like he's been storing up the criticisms over recent months and then it's been triggered.

There are other instances of him being difficult too, he goes on and on about how amazing he is at his work, how intelligent he is, then he has meltdowns because he's so stressed and he has me on the phone for an hour or so helping him cope with it all. Then when I had a major incident at work and was feeling overwhelmed and needed a couple of days on my own to just get my sanity back, he went off in a huff to the other end of the country for a few days saying I'd completely rejected him. I just needed a bit of alone time, he's very extreme with his reactions.

Show quote history

Argh, sounds so much like my ex honestly! Pretty sure he was a narcissist or at least a perpetual victim! Honestly, before your lives get any more entangled get out now.

Laurdo · 19/10/2022 18:16

Love bombing early on, gaslighting, bragging about himself, thinking he knows better than you? He sounds like a classic narcissist. Run! Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!

Aria999 · 19/10/2022 18:16

The more you say about him, the less he sounds like a keeper.

ExtraJalapenos · 19/10/2022 18:18

Honestly. You'd be better off leaving this guy. You've barely been together a year and that text was horrible.
Regardless of what happens in a relationship, someone sending a text listing all your faults is a massive c**t. If he doesn't have the balls to actually have an adult conversation with you face to face then he isn't adult enough to be your partner.
It sounds like so so much hassle for a relationship that's not even that long. The fact you've already talked about pre nuts etc too.

Do yourself a favour OP. Evaluate what you actually want in a partner. And don't rush into things with this man child.

I've had to do DIY in a shitty marriage before. Where i was the only one who did ANYTHING.
Same with DP, he literally had to build the home.
Doesn't put either off us doing it now. Your partner is just looking for excuses

knittingaddict · 19/10/2022 18:19

Anniefrenchfry · 19/10/2022 17:40

I’m starting to come to the conclusion that it’s always the man’s fault on here and some posters always want relationships to end

for me op what I can’t get is why both your communication is so very poor. The pair of you didn’t even have a phone conversation. There is clearly a back story as to why he felt compelled to text that at that time, the issue is you don’t recognise it, don’t want to admit it, or he is just an abusive cunt who likes attacking for mo reason. . It’s one of those.

if the two of you cannot communicate and actually talk then I can’t see how this can continue. He basically told you he doesn’t feel valued. You told him you’d cooked dinner so he could do one. It’s deeply dysfunctional.

for me, I suspect there is issues both sides.

You are seriously reading this as a "both sides" issue? Honestly despair sometimes.

MarshaMelrose · 19/10/2022 18:23

What did he say when you picked up the phone and rang him to discuss it?

TwilightSkies · 19/10/2022 18:23

He doesn’t sound nice at all!!
Maybe if you have a bit of space from him you’ll realise your life is better without him

Manamala · 19/10/2022 18:27

piemaggedon · 19/10/2022 17:45

Yes, it does look like he's been storing up the criticisms over recent months and then it's been triggered.

Show quote history

Is it possible that he has an anxious attachment style and you have an avoidant attachment style? Difficult but not impossible to navigate. There's some good youtube/podcasts on this.

Notaboutthebass · 19/10/2022 18:31

He's selfish, (not being arsed about things you wanted him to listen to in the past) agressive, and cocky. He's showing his true colours OP, if you don't nip this in the bud and he doesn't change (I can't see him doing anyway) then bin him off. If it was me I would bin him off now. What a prick.

MeanOldPotato · 19/10/2022 18:35

I'd cut my losses if I were you.

FinallyHere · 19/10/2022 18:41

he sent me a huge list of criticisms by text after I'd tried all night to make everyone happy.

I think you have dodged a bullet finding out about the behaviour before he moved in.

FinallyHere · 19/10/2022 18:43

Odd how it's always you entertaining them to supper. When is it his turn?

Harpin · 19/10/2022 19:49

This is such gaslighting behaviour, pointing out your faults!!!

If he plans to move in with you then he should help decorate as he will be living there but if you plan on getting a different house together then I do think the decorating is your job and not his.

Continue to take things slowly and see if any more red flags appear…

AlwaysLatte · 19/10/2022 19:51

He sounds like a terrible communicator. Can't even talk to you on the phone about his barrage of criticisms. Do you know why his last marriage ended....?

Fireflygal · 19/10/2022 20:14

I am having my doubts, he was lovely for the first year but as time goes on I'm seeing more evidence of him being a bit of a dickhead really

Op, this is devaluation - classic trait of a toxic person which always follows lovebombing. He sounds like a victim and this is also a trait of a vulnerable/covert narcissist. You will never likely know what triggered his need to devalue you.

He is highly unlikely to tell you the real reason why he was triggered since this isn't about honest communication or conflict resolution. Please don't think you can change your behaviour to stop him criticising you..all that will do is lower your self esteem.

A pre-nup will not protect your house. If you marry and divorce all assets could be put into the pot for division. His company is easier to hide assets than a house with equity.

It takes at least 2 years for someone's true nature to emerge so moving in before 2 years is high risk, especially if you have children.

Original poster

piemaggedon · 19/10/2022 20:39

Update, the poster who said he might have been trying to start and argument so he could end it was probably right. In the last hour he's send a message saying 'not sure I want you in my life right now' and when I cancelled his call coming through because I was on the phone to my friend, he said 'if I don't hear from you tonight I'm dumping you'

Several more texts about how I'm an idiot and a moron, wow, he really was quite charming for the first few months but now, I can't believe how far his mask has slipped. And 'if your fanny was a fab lolly, I'd shag the crappy joke'

I don't even get that joke.

Then 'you're getting increasingly high maintenance'

There's no recovering from this. Thanks mumsnetters, I thought his behaviour was so bizarre, he's obviously been thinking of ending it. At least my eyes are open now, I think he'll try to make out 'it was a joke, have you got no sense of humour, stop being so serious etc'

We're definitely over.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 20:42

In the last hour he's send a message saying 'not sure I want you in my life right now' and when I cancelled his call coming through because I was on the phone to my friend, he said 'if I don't hear from you tonight I'm dumping you'

Pure brinkmanship.
OP - you ARE seeing the joke btw - it's him.

Congratulations on your clear sightedness & strong boundaries.
Just ... beware Hoovering -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

FlowerArranger · 19/10/2022 20:42

Better to find out now than in one or two years from now!

you've had a lucky escape.

popcornfrenzy · 19/10/2022 20:43

Wow OP - what a knobhead. You've dodged a huge bullet there...be kind to yourself - it's him not you!

GinIronic · 19/10/2022 20:47

Lucky escape OP. Never put up with anyone sending you a list of your “faults”.

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