Argument with partner - don't know who's right

[piemaggedon]

Hi

So last night my chap came over with his 2 kids, we've been dating for a year and our children have only met in the last 2 months. We're trying to have one meal together per week as a 'blended family', so Tuesday nights, they come over around 5.30 and leave at 8. We think this gives our kids a chance to get to know each other little by little. Next summer we aim to live together as one family but we're taking it slowly at the start.

Anyhow, I moved home a few months back and I need lots of decorating done. My partner is always busy and stressed with work so generally doesn't help but after I moaned, he offered to paint the banister. He admits that he hates DIY as he spent the last 15 years of his previous marriage sorting the house out.

They came over last night, we all had a meal together and pudding, plenty of chat, everyone helping etc. He texted at 9.30 to say thanks. I was still settling my kids so didn't see phone until 22.15 at which point he messaged again with 'look, I'm not looking for an argument but ...' then he proceeded to list many of my faults. I'm not easy to communicate with, I don't open up easily, my ex keeps dictating when I have my kids, I'm moaning about the lack of progress in decorating, I don't plan decorating jobs very well, I don't appreciate the time he spent on the banister (I had said thanks every time he did any work on it), I don't value his time, I sometimes avoid discussions about the work needed (he tends to lecture so I do sometimes not engage), I'm too thin skinned etc etc. Now over the course of the last couple of months I probably did do some but not all of that list. We're all human, we all have our faults, I could rattle a load off for him too.

I messaged him back after that barrage of criticism to point out I'd cooked for him and his kids and done everything I could to make it an enjoyable evening. I thought we had a lovely evening and that's the response? I said in my text 'I thought we had a perfectly good evening. what the hell happened there? Night'

And he responded 'I rest my case '

He would normally stay at mine tonight but this morning I was so rattled, I told him not to bother coming over and to 'spend his valuable time with someone he actually respects'

Now this evening he texting that my response is depressing, he's tried to communicate with me and he's hit a wall, he feels like crying.

Honestly I have got no idea what's going on here, hes not usually this hard work. Can anyone see what's going on because I have absolutely no idea how to respond.

He's painting one banister, big deal. OP isn't expecting him to do ALL the decorating. Sounds like he's doing a half hour here & there while OP cooks & cleans up. Fair enough.

And why would she sign any part of her home over to him? He's not signing over his business - they've agreed to keep assets separate. Not that I think she should cohabit with him. I don;t think she should even date him any more, he seems to be a tosser with issues.

Thanks, that is needed but I feel like I need a day or two space to think clearly. It's really knocked me how much he's attacking me when I haven't provoked it at all.

I might suggest we meet tomorrow night for a face to face chat.

always busy and stressed with work so never offers to help honestly ive heard this a million times. And yes he should be helping with DIY if he is planning on moving in.
And same re the "i did everything for my ex so i wont for you". My ex said that too.
He also used to say he "cleaned the whole house from top to bottom" when in reality he had done a quick hoover and the dishwasher. He's probably telling current gf if he has one he did all the housework.
The whole "list of your faults" thing. Big red flag. Chip chip chip away at your confidence. How does he speak to you in front of the children?
It doesnt sound like it was constructive criticism either.
And if you think he is too emotional then he is.
Did he love bomb you at the start of the relationship?

See this actually opens my eyes a lot, I thought I'd found the one but lately, I'm questioning if he is.

Haha, I have been there a couple of times when his kids are there but it tends to be mine.

Nah! He’s written a barrage of problems without actually trying to talk to you about any of them. Have I picked that up right? And then he has the audacity to include you being difficult to communicate with. I had an ex who would keep everything bottled up and then out of nowhere provide me with a list of things I was doing wrong. Safe to say he’s an ex for a reason.

Also his dislike for DIY because he was ‘always having to do it’ with his ex partner. Hmmmm I call BS.

I might suggest we meet tomorrow night for a face to face chat.

You're not obliged to OP.
It's not your job to pander to him, or to give his insane little list any credence by allowing it to become a 'thing' that you respond to.

If you do go, do NOT fall into the mistake of justifying yourself.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

I think I'd let him fade out after that horrible, uncalled for text battering, frankly.
This man wants you in the wrong & on the back foot.

I think his kids said something after dinner and he’s freaking out about blending and is picking a fight. It’s such a blindsiding attack I don’t think it’s based on long standing issues but a panic move so you dump him rather than the other way around.

He’s changed his mind today hence the wanting to cry stuff.

so his kids made a comment about you or something after they left, so he has manufactured all this shit to dump you.

I would not beg him for a face to face. He sounds like a controlling know it all. You and your kids deserve better than that.

ha snap @AnneLovesGilbert !

Another point- when you are talking it's "moaning". But then if he wants to have a go at you thats ok?
He really sounds like he doesnt respect you.
Run a mile.

Flipping heck, if you're that bad ask him why he's wasting his life being with you.
Honestly, why spend time with someone this difficult? Move on and find someone better

Yes it was definitely love bombing at the beginning, but we were both pretty besotted fairly quickly.

I’m starting to come to the conclusion that it’s always the man’s fault on here and some posters always want relationships to end

for me op what I can’t get is why both your communication is so very poor. The pair of you didn’t even have a phone conversation. There is clearly a back story as to why he felt compelled to text that at that time, the issue is you don’t recognise it, don’t want to admit it, or he is just an abusive cunt who likes attacking for mo reason. . It’s one of those.

if the two of you cannot communicate and actually talk then I can’t see how this can continue. He basically told you he doesn’t feel valued. You told him you’d cooked dinner so he could do one. It’s deeply dysfunctional.

for me, I suspect there is issues both sides.

He is a twat. Don't let him move into your house, he will just twat all over it.

Dump him before it gets any worse.
He didn't try to communicate, he sent you a list of criticisms by text, that's not a conversation. That wasn't the time or place or way to bring up any concerns.
He also sounds like he has hang up from his previous relationship - doesn't want to help you with DIY because he did a lot of that with his ex?
And he lectures you about stuff? No thanks.
You can do a lot better than this!
Concentrate on your kids and your new home.

Yes, it does look like he's been storing up the criticisms over recent months and then it's been triggered.

There are other instances of him being difficult too, he goes on and on about how amazing he is at his work, how intelligent he is, then he has meltdowns because he's so stressed and he has me on the phone for an hour or so helping him cope with it all. Then when I had a major incident at work and was feeling overwhelmed and needed a couple of days on my own to just get my sanity back, he went off in a huff to the other end of the country for a few days saying I'd completely rejected him. I just needed a bit of alone time, he's very extreme with his reactions.

There are other instances of him being difficult too, he goes on and on about how amazing he is at his work, how intelligent he is, then he has meltdowns because he's so stressed and he has me on the phone for an hour or so helping him cope with it all. Then when I had a major incident at work and was feeling overwhelmed and needed a couple of days on my own to just get my sanity back, he went off in a huff to the other end of the country for a few days saying I'd completely rejected him. I just needed a bit of alone time, he's very extreme with his reactions.
Just bin him - he's selfish to the core, & a committed negger.

You don't text someone with a list of criticisms, you have an adult conversation with them. I wouldn't be moving him and his kids in if I were you. Aside from the fact that he sounds like a cock, it's way too soon in your relationship.

That's got me thinking, his son did touch the banister after it had a bit of gloss put on and he shouted loudly at him. His son was a bit huffy for half hour after that. I wonder if he feels bad about upsetting his son and took it out on me.

Couldn't you just take in a lodger, then?

At least if one of those turns out to be a whiny knob who criticises you, you don't have to go through a court to get them to leave. And you won't end up cooking for and cleaning up after his kids.

Bet the ex of this Prince could tell a few stories of how he really was at home when he's making out he was a Cinderella with a Tool Belt.

Twat all over it😂

Your gut is starting to scream at you, @piemaggedon ...
Listen to your gut!

Do you think it was because you took 45 mins to respond to his text?

He had already said night, in his text, it read 'anyway I need to be up early, night'