Argument with partner - don't know who's right

[piemaggedon]

Hi

So last night my chap came over with his 2 kids, we've been dating for a year and our children have only met in the last 2 months. We're trying to have one meal together per week as a 'blended family', so Tuesday nights, they come over around 5.30 and leave at 8. We think this gives our kids a chance to get to know each other little by little. Next summer we aim to live together as one family but we're taking it slowly at the start.

Anyhow, I moved home a few months back and I need lots of decorating done. My partner is always busy and stressed with work so generally doesn't help but after I moaned, he offered to paint the banister. He admits that he hates DIY as he spent the last 15 years of his previous marriage sorting the house out.

They came over last night, we all had a meal together and pudding, plenty of chat, everyone helping etc. He texted at 9.30 to say thanks. I was still settling my kids so didn't see phone until 22.15 at which point he messaged again with 'look, I'm not looking for an argument but ...' then he proceeded to list many of my faults. I'm not easy to communicate with, I don't open up easily, my ex keeps dictating when I have my kids, I'm moaning about the lack of progress in decorating, I don't plan decorating jobs very well, I don't appreciate the time he spent on the banister (I had said thanks every time he did any work on it), I don't value his time, I sometimes avoid discussions about the work needed (he tends to lecture so I do sometimes not engage), I'm too thin skinned etc etc. Now over the course of the last couple of months I probably did do some but not all of that list. We're all human, we all have our faults, I could rattle a load off for him too.

I messaged him back after that barrage of criticism to point out I'd cooked for him and his kids and done everything I could to make it an enjoyable evening. I thought we had a lovely evening and that's the response? I said in my text 'I thought we had a perfectly good evening. what the hell happened there? Night'

And he responded 'I rest my case '

He would normally stay at mine tonight but this morning I was so rattled, I told him not to bother coming over and to 'spend his valuable time with someone he actually respects'

Now this evening he texting that my response is depressing, he's tried to communicate with me and he's hit a wall, he feels like crying.

Honestly I have got no idea what's going on here, hes not usually this hard work. Can anyone see what's going on because I have absolutely no idea how to respond.

He has realised that when you move in together, he won't be able to just sit around and do what he wants. That you're expecting him to, you know, help around the house. How unreasonable of you! And hes using that as reasons for saying you are high maintenance! And listing all your so called faults! Wow, you have definitely dodged something there. imagine if he'd actually moved in, asking him to help with anything would be like pulling teeth.
I think the fact you do the dinners each week, definitely confirms that, he isn't about to put in equal amount of effort thats for sure.

Although you must be hurting right now, well done for being furious with him. he deserves that. Plop his stuff on the doorstep and ignore him. The one thing that will get to him the most, as he appears pretty controlling, is that fact you are indifferent towards him.

I was about to say HE NEEDS TO GET IN THE BIN, but I see that he has.

Well done @piemaggedon . He sounds like a fucking idiot.

I’m sorry op, you must be devastated to go from thinking about moving in with a partner to bagging up their stuff in a matter of hours.

I hope this morning goes well. As others have suggested I’d bag his stuff up and give it to him showing no emotion. He’ll be gutted that you don’t want him back.

Calls you high maintenance then demands a phone call by a certain time. Ok. He'll be surprised at you being angry because he's a narcissist and narcissists are never wrong so why on earth would anyone ever be mad at him.

I hope everything went ok this morning. I'm sorry you're going through this. Like everyone said, you've dodged a bullet but it still hurts losing someone you loved. Take it easy, be kind to yourself and don't for a second question anything you've done. Block him completely from your life, he has nothing else positive to offer you. ❤️

You unable the communicate with each other. It's over

You're unable to communicate properly with each other. You'll have endless arguments as you're incompatible. End it for the sake of the children.

Why should this man decorate this house?
If he doesn't want to do it, he shouldn't be nagged, manipulated, or press-ganged.

@RedAppleGirl they have split up

Rtt

Sorry your relationship has ended but it really sounds like it was for the best.

I know what its like when you fall head over heels for someone but I do think a year is a very short amount of time to be talking blended families, moving in together, marriage, etc. I've heard it takes around 2 years to get to know someone properly (as you've discovered first hand).

Onwards and upwards op x

I know, I bet he's glad he didn't decorate the house now.
I cannot understand why people don't just date one another and have fun.
No tasks or demands, just date.

@Vaccine001 did you even bother reading the thread?

I'm glad i read your update OP, what a vile man. My gut response to your first post was "hes training you". I guess you failed the training, thank goodness!

I read this and thought it could be my ex. I grew tired of the childish comments and outbursts, mansplaining and telling me I had a problem.

Funnily enough I'm now remarried and don't have any of the issues he mentioned.

As a warning OP please don't do what I did. Each time I came to my senses and dumped him, he would apologise, backtrack (he was stressed, tired, worried, take your pick) and he promised to change, recognised how his behaviour was unreasonable.

He was so believable that I gave him way too many second chances until I finally realised he couldn't change, it was his blueprint for a relationship but certainly not mine. I wasted way too much time on him.

Always good when the trash takes itself out. Hope you are still not with this vile man and are having a good start to 2023.

I would love to know what his ex had to say about him doing all the work at home. I think you would find she has a very different story.

He has got a real bloody nerve. He comes round to your house with his kids, has a nice meal that you cook and pay for and then starts to complain. Get rid of him! Just as an aside, he plans to move into your house. Is he going to pay anything towards that?

And tell him to rest his case up his arse.

Oh, sorry, I thought this was a current thread.

Put his stuff in bags and place outside the door. Sorted.

🙄 maybe you’d be happier on Reddit then? Trying to make his poor behaviour OPs fault just because you’re worried about being fair to the Poor Menz, is not helpful to anyone and men won’t thank you for it either.

Oh this is a zombie thread, but @piemaggedon how did things turn out? Did he try to peel the paint back off the bannister like the petty oddball he is?