Help! Marriage / crush

[Chocosprinkle]

I feel so ashamed that something like that has happened to me. I've been married to a lovely man for close to 15 years. I can't fault him on anything. I've met someone through work. I feel hugely attracted to him. I thought having him become a friend would help but things are getting worse. I keep thinking about him. I think he fancies me too. We can talk for hours. We have lots in common..
I don't want to cheat on my husband. Nothing has happened other than flirting and bantering. How do I make this go away so I can stop fancying him and return to my boring stable family life.

I would have to be a bit radical in your situation I think and avoid this person maybe even get a different job. Don’t destroy your family. The reality of an affair would never live up to the fantasy and I believe you would really really regret it, whereas I don’t believe you’d regret staying with your husband.

Thank you. I think you are right. I just need this stress to go away. Maybe I should cut contact. I will miss him.

It’s a really difficult situation and can happen to anybody, no matter how happily married! I would definitely cut contact and if the other man asks why just simply say “I felt we were chatting too much and I didn’t want to disrespect my husband”. Definitely don’t need to admit any feelings from your side! Wish you all the best.

Thank you. I'm going to miss him. I keep thinking if we'd both being single maybe we would have had such an amazing love story. So sad.

I think it’s how the new person makes you feel that is so addictive, because it’s new and exciting and you don’t know everything about him yet and he makes you feel really interesting and beautiful too which husbands can’t always do after years together.

However if you did decide to sacrifice everything for this new person eventually that exciting newness would fade and you’d discover his own personal flaws which would be different to your husbands. It sounds like you have a great husband so I would invest in that relationship as much as you can and not have to live with the guilt and false promise of an affair

@Chocosprinkle are you happy and happy in your marriage?

Hi Chocosprinkle,

I’ve had a similar experience to you previously. It’s very easy to think you would have had an amazing romantic partnership with someone you don’t know all that well; but the reality is that everyone has their negative traits and relationships can and do get samey and lacklustre. So even if you were with this guy for years and not your husband, you’d probably be crushing on someone else too.

it’s hard. We all want to escape domestic drudgery sometimes but you have to count your blessings for your lovely husband and focus on him instead.

I’m in a similar situation although I’m not married but have been together for 13 years with 2 children. Since before I met this other person I’ve felt something is missing with my current relationship and I think meeting someone new has just made things worse. It’s a horrible and hurtful situation

@Chocosprinkle "I've been married to a lovely man for close to 15 years. I can't fault him".

I was also married to a lovely man and a fantastic father for over 15 yrs but , i was not happy. I started to become resentful and attracted to others . I did talk to my DH over the yrs but nothing changed. I divorced. I am much happier and freer now. My children are also fine and Dad is still a great Dad.

I am also currently very close to a work colleague exactly as you are and describe, he is married; i am not. He stopped talking to me about his wife a few months ago and i then noticed a change in our interactions, how he looks at me ( he looks at my mouth, my body, holds eye contact, he never used to do this) and then how physically close our bodies were when we are together at meetings, breaks etc, in the others personal space comfortably and physically touching. Then colleagues picked up on it, started incorrectly speculating. I have totally pulled back because he is married with a young child, so much so , we now currently no longer speak. He looks miserable and i am miserable. It has become very awkward for me at work and now him. I miss him and , were he were not married , i would love to be with him.

My point is , i am free to leave this behind and pursue new relationships and i am. Maybe you are feeling same and this is indicative of how you feel and where you are in your life and marriage.

An 'amazing love story' sounds like you've romanticised the situation. Find the romance in your real life rather than in your fantasy bubble.

I think I'm just bored. Work, mundane domestic life etc. The depressing thing is I'm sure it would happen again and again in ten years time with someone else!!! My husband and I have a laugh. We connect really well intellectually. I've always been prone to crush then recovered and been happy with hubby. This time it's more severe because I think he likes me too!

The thing is you can never have a perfect marriage. After 15 years you can't look at each other like when you were first dating. You can't snog like silly enamoured teenagers. You both have faults and know all the bad habits of the other one. I don't think I'd be happier on my own. I do find this other guy super hot though arghhh I feel like I'm 16 again when he's near me!

I think you are right. Totally romanticized this yup.

Loads of men are super hot but they are all just human (hopefully) at the end of the day. Your crush will fart and burp just like any regular human being. Remember that!

Absolutely!!! Realistically he is a lot less of a good match than my husband is too!!! Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. This guy makes me feel like a teenager it's ridiculous and sad....

It's not him that's making you feel like a teenager. It's you that's making you feel like a teenager!

Yes you're right. I have to recognize it's just powerful cocktails of drugs in my brains making me feel like this. Thank you so much for your input. It's very helpful.

@Chocosprinkle is he a lot younger than you?

It’s very seductive and intoxicating to have a mutual crush on someone - makes you feel alive again.

I know exactly how you feel. The same happened to me and my now ex husband, I really liked a guy at work, he liked me he bought me wine and a beautiful card. (Which I hid) We were the only ones in the office every Friday afternoon.

I just had to avoid him and pull back, I took a few Friday afternoons off work so we wouldn't be together.

He ended up with another lady from work and she fell pregnant pretty quickly so that was that.

In the end my ex husband left me for someone else so there were a lot of "what ifs" over the years.

Try to distance yourself from him and concentrate on your marriage

@Chocosprinkle

Going through something myself. The guy was chasing me for years but wouldn't get involved with him because he married. He wasn't my type at all.
Then he contacted me when lockdown started and thought maybe I will get to know him properly. He put me in the friends zone straight away..We did have flirty conversations. I have worked out my issue was I was depending on him to like rescue me. Maybe I started to like him more than a friend. It's complicated as think he drew me in as he would come to my work place. He was always checking on me to see how I was then I felt I should do the same.
Then we met up and had the what are we talk. He said are friends but had a grin on his face saying but I do flirt. Something's were him talking inappropriate stuff.
Since that talk he really back off from me. It's me missing him and had started to rely on him.
I am trying to detach as I won't block him. It's hard he always said he there for me.
I suppose I need to cut him off for now until I sort myself out as for me a lot going on with my Dp and I. I use him like back up plan and he not that at all.
He got his situation I have mine.
I get how you feel just detach and try move on or sort your feelings out. Then you have better control. If not totally lock him off.

He's older than me!!! I was super shy and rubbish at dating when I was young. I'm now confident and find easy to get on with new people. I have a good sense of humour etc etc. He's making me feel like a teenage romance if I hadn't been so shy and stuck up when I was a teen!!! Yes it is intoxicating. Reading about brain chemistry when falling in love as we speak. Think it will help me cool things down.

I think the fact that he got together with someone else quickly and she got pregnant would have made me think "it wasn't me he was after, he just wanted the excitement of a relationship" however maybe she was his plan b because he couldn't be with you. Love is messy. I would never want to inflict pain onto my husband or kids. I need to snap out of this!!! I've tried to avoid him and succeeded for over a week. Saw him again today and omg worse than ever he just keeps looking at me and chatting me up! It's intoxicating and very wrong.

Is he married @Feeloverit ?

It is tough for sure! I think I would prefer if he went distant first. It would sadden me but I would recover.